Thursday, February 12, 2009

time slips away, leave's you with nothing mister but boring stories of...



A wise man once said earlier today on this blog;


Obviously a subtle jab at the rest of the HOF coaches, who, after inducted, sit naked in a small room and list their achievements...

So, here I am...naked, small room, reviewing my achievements...all that's missing is the hall-of- fame credentials, but as I paraphrase Meatloaf, three out of four ain't bad...

1. Led the 1995 Kentucky High School State Champion football team in onsides kicks recovered. Actually, I'm not sure that was recorded as an actual stat in Ky high school football, then, now or ever. Anyway, I had two of them in one season. Wait, do post-season stats count? If so, then i led the team with two. If not, well then i guess you could say that I led the team in regular and post season onsides kicks recovered, with one (each).

2. Was allegedly the first player selected in Germantown Baseball 15 year old free agent draft in the year 1993. Believe it or not, there is no way to Google these results. So again all I am left to go on is the word of a meth-mouthed "coach" who told the entire team on the first day of practice that we would win a lot of games because we had had the first pick in the draft, and with that pick he selected me. Most of the details of that season have been subsuquently supressed by my subconscious. Legend has it that I made a vow to not wash my uniform that season until we had a win under our belts. To this day I blame my persistent case of crabs on that baseball uniform.

3. Beat Mike Tyson. I did this the hard way. That is to say I did this on Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. No code. From Glass Joe, through Mr Sandman, Super Macho Man, all the way to Kid Dynamite. This was post ear-biting, but pre -facial tattoo. After Buster Douglas, but before Klitschko, or Tommy Morrison, or God, who the Hell even cares.

4. Was the only five year starter in the HISTORY of my fraternity's softball team. And that's big because LOTS of those guys need to squeeze four years into five. So it's kinda like not only being a dumb jock, but a jock among dumb jocks. Ya know what they say, when in Rome, the one-eyed man is the king of the bears that shit in the Pope's hat. Go on an' marinate on that for a minute.

5. The 2007 Kings Among Men season/post season. Magical. Beyond words. Transcendant. It goes without saying on one level, because despite all the tongue in cheekiness of this, the fact still remains that ANYBODY who even has any chance of reading this whatsoever was there.

6. Once I beat a kid in NCAA Football 07 on Xbox Live. I think he was like seven. Or maybe it was a chick. Anyway, the game was close for a while, but then he/she got bored and laid the controller down, and man after that...the rout was on.

7. I was there the day that a kicked ball in kickball actually traversed through the net of a distant basketball goal. The ultimate playground urban legend (that includes YOU Earl Monroe). I am lucky enough to say that I still call that titan of a kickballer one of my very closest friends and he remains an inspiration to me as the years go on. I salute you my friend, for bringing meaning to our otherwise dreary lives that grey-grade school day so long ago!

I'm sure that Bick will be on here in minutes, drudging up the legitimacy of my tennis ball baseball career home run record, arguing that a nine year old could have hit homers over the short right field porch. Which works out well, because once nine-year-olds started to play with us, they proved that they could...oppo. The point is, don't hate the player. It never was my fault that i had so much dong as such a young man. If the powers that be wanted to use me as their meal ticket to put butts in the seats at out t.b.b.b. games, who was I to question why? I was a victim in all this. Anyway, all sadness aside. Don't cry for ME, Argentina. The point is, we here at Rantastic are putting our best foot (feet?) forward and turning our faces to the rising sun of a new day. Just like Mark McGwire, once a hero, then villified for our prodigiuos power. Now who wants to see me crack a few dingers?

2 comments:

Bick Rozich said...

I played against that shit squad team Dean was the #1 pick for. I hit my first career homer in organized game against them...a walk-off...final score...21-0 mercy rule.

Man, they sucked.

P.S. The t.b.b.b. record is a sham.

the maestro said...

yea, i was there...i would remind you that i was the catcher whom called that pitch that you so unceremoniously deposited in the woods that day, but we both know that kid who was on the bump only had one pitch.
oh, yea, and btw my record is a sham...a sham wow!