Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Good Start, Bick

Wow. That's the quickest yet. Fear not, loyal reader(s?), as a couple of classmates annoyed me enough to write a post about them.

So, school is easy. Now, if you know me, you know that I am not smart. Or, just read the other posts, I'll wait.


See, I'm a blowhard. But graduate school, as a general rule, is designed to be easy. Don't misunderstand me: the work is challenging and you have a lot of reading. However, it's nearly impossible to get bad grades. It's actually kind of a joke. Regardless, come to class with me.

In this particular class, we basically take notes off of an overhead and do in class assignments like 12 year olds. So, whatever. Well, one hippy chick decides that this class is so beneath her that she is going to knit instead of paying attention. You know who knits? Old people, because they are too feeble to move. If I were a teacher and someone leisurely knitted in my class, I'd make them fashion everyone a sweater, and then we'd all poop on the sweaters and set them on fire at her front door.

The story actually has little to do with the knitter and more to do with the chick who sits next to her. She comes in all sad and shit, our teacher asks what's wrong, and she babbles through all this pressure she's under. Remember, school's really easy and there are no attendance policies or punishments for not doing assignments. Still, she's sooooo stressed. Soo stressed, in fact, that she begins crying in class. Like, awkward, loud sobs. She and the knitting freak bolted into the hallway so that she could sob somewhere that it echoed loudly, I guess. It was awesome.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Ripping Their Stupid Hearts Out

Every year as the baseball season wanes, I always think to myself, "Why don't the teams already in the playoffs just lie down for the teams that desperately need a win?" I found out last night...they're professionals and they're competitive as shit.

If you were fortunate enough to watch the pointless win (if you're a Cubs fan) or the gut-wrenching loss (Mets fan) on ESPN last night, you would see what I mean. The Mets had everything to play for, a huge lead early, and a runner on third for FIVE STRAIGHT INNINGS, and still couldn't win the game. The Cubs, conversely, sat around and played with their cocks, endured a pitiful outing by Big Z (who is impossible to watch when struggling), then basically said, "It's late and this game is dumb. I wanna go to the hotel and bang some Brooklyn skank," and knocked in three in the tenth. The Mets, again, snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, and watching their stupid, jerkoff fans file out, booing all the way, was awesome. The Mets suck and so do their fans (minus Jerry Seinfeld).

Still, the Cubs could have easily quit, let the run in, and given the Mets a much needed win, and been no worse for the wear. Instead, they hung around, scratched in a two-out run on a duck fart from D. Lee, and then Aramis drove the stake through their collective, subway-riding, pizza-folding, David Wright-sucking hearts. Why? Because no matter who is coaching that locker room full of gutless crybabies, they'll never get over their own pampered, whining veterans (I'm looking at you, Billy Wagner) who oddly aren't around when shit gets a little tight. It ain't the coach, Omar.

Muck the Fets.

P.S. Is there anyone outside of Chicago pulling for the douchey Chi Sox tonight?

The Name's "Bick"

And I'll be around from time to time. I was sick of nothing ever being on here, so hopefully two people with little initiative will lead to more posting than just one. Plus, you said three, and if you're counting Gavin or Higdon, it seems to me they said "bye bye" a looooong time ago.

Suck on that.

We're Adding Another Blogger

What's better than two lame-dick bloggers that do nothing? Three! Jed's joining the tribe. Anybody else want in?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Splitting Hairs

We're getting shit on in the Ryder Cup already, so I thought I would bitch about a Bozich article. Good stuff!

A few days ago, Bozich wrote an article about K-State being the first team to "fatten up" on shitty teams, this occurring under Bill Snyder. Fine. Good, even. Bozich argues that K-State started this trend, blah blah blah, whatever. Boring article, sure, but sensical, and well-reasoned....except....

Bill Snyder doesn't coach K-State anymore. Bozich acknowledges this, yet he still accuses them of being a bunch of patsy-scheduling bitches. Let's go to the video tape!...I mean, Internet...

K-State pre-Ron Prince non-conference scheduling (since '02)

Eastern Illinois
#5 USC (anamoly, I trust...I believe Bozich!)

Cal (sigh)
McNeese State
Um...OK....that's actually pretty decent

Fresno State
OK, bunch of pussies

North Texas
Pussies, again

Under Ron Prince

Illinois State
Da Ville

Missouri State
San Jose State
Fresno State

North Texas
Montana State
Da Ville

OK, so their scheduling is, in fact, been fairly stout out of conference in the last several years. While Bozich had a good point, accusing Snyder of starting this trend, which I will not research, he fucks it up by accusing K-State of continuing the trend. This line: "a nonconference game against a team from a Bowl Championship Series conference, is a deviation from the Kansas State blueprint." Is it? It appears that K-State has played at least one BCS conference team a year since Prince took over.

Which brings me to another point. I don't care who started the patsy playin' schedule, it is batshit insane for a major conference team to schedule that tough out of conference. K-State plays four ranked teams in conference, two of whom are in the top 10, as well as Colorado. If you're in the Big 12, it is pointless to schedule Louisville, even. With the way college football determines a champion, playing teams that are good out of your conference is suicide. UGA may be the 2nd best team in the country...we probably won't see them in the championship. They play four teams in the Top 10.

Moral of the story: scheduling one team OOC is enough, unless there is a playoff. It's college football's fault teams don't want to play UL or Texas Tech or whatever. They aren't scared, exactly. They just aren't fucking stupid. It's a stupid, stupid, stupid argument. People even bitch about UK's non conference schedule. We play a strong OOC team every year, and the SEC. And, let's face it, we are playing for six wins. Why not schedule patsies? Honor? Fuck honor. I wanna get drunk in Shreveport.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

What Comcast Did to Me

Comcast, one of the largest cable corporations on Earth, does not offer ESPN 360 nor does it allow for people, like me and you, to order only a weekend of ESPN GamePlan. Therefore, last night forced me out of my shithole apartment and into a shithole BW3's to watch UK play Middle Tennessee. Luckily, there were no other big games last night, especially games involving an annoying fan base...

Shortly after my arrival, I ask the bartender (a fat chick), if they would have the UK-Middle Tennessee game. Naturally, she was clueless. She proceeded to ask the dude with the remote if they were getting the Michigan State game. He sauntered over to me with the bad news, "MSU already played, brah," he belted.

I, outfitted in a UK shirt and hat, replied that I wanted UK, not Michigan State.

"Who dey playin'?"

"Middle Tennessee."


Luckily, I'd done my research. "Middle Tennessee. Look, it's channel 789 on Directv." Again, more reason why the workers at BW's should just hand the fucking remote over.

"7-8-9. There ya gah, brah." Disaster averted. Now I sat watching the screen with a giant map on it for fifteen minutes as the OSU d-bags started rolling in DEEP.

As UK kicked off, it was pretty nice in the joint. I sat with my beer, flanked by an old man and a Mexican from L.A. He flips houses. Nice guy. Kid on the way! Old man, not so much...

Invariably, the old man felt the need to talk to me. It was bad from the beginning, as he started with a loud, raunchy joke about old people having sex. Of course, he had to scream the punch line: "voodoo penis my ass!" (For the record, the old moron fucked the joke up.)

I could sense tension mounting between he and the bartenders, and I realized that the old codger was on a short leash. Then, like any respectful senior citizen would do, he pointed to the chunky bartender and yelled, "this fat cunt won't serve me anymore beer!"

It was just me and the Mexican at kickoff. Kickoff! Thank God, now I have reason to ignore all these weirdos and just watch football and not worry about who sits around me or how many OSU fans there are. (<---foreshadowing) Of course, as the game started, I just glued my eyes to the set, let out an audible, "fall on the fucking ball!", and pretended like I was watching at home. Quickly, an aside about commercials (as if this had any semblence of order). When you're alone at a bar watching something, what do you do at commercials? Or, Jesus, halftime? Luckily, I had OSU-USC, but I still had to endure commercials. I mean, you have to watch them, or else you look like a psycho staring at your food. Anyway, I'm going to briefly discuss both the Hardee's fake restaurant commercial, as well as Pizza Hut's. I want to know why we can't watch the tape of people reacting this way:

Bearded man: What did you get?
Emo dude: I dunno, just a burger.
BM: It's, I mean, fucking gigantic. How are you gonna eat that? Did they give you utensils? It's like 3 inches thick.
ED: Yeah, I know. I just wanted a hamburger. I can barely lift this. Plus, it tastes like what I imagine a wet cow would taste like. I might actually be having a heart attack. And my hands are covered in ketchup. This is just awful.

Pizza Hut
Wacky New Yorkah who love pasta Italian Hey!: Whatchu got?
Douchey chick: MMMMmmmmm. The fettucine! I love fettucine.
NYer: Well, taste. Whatchu think.
DC: Ew. Wow. It's pretty heavy. Oh dear. My (fart) stomach is starting to hurt (fart fart). This is, aww, is this covered in mayonnaise?

Seriously, people. Fast food is shitty.

Anyway, by 745, the place was packed with OSU fans and they were annoying. I remained focused on the shitshow UK game--which, luckily was on the big screen opposite the USC-OSU game. The spoils of arriving early. I was clearly the only person there watching UK, so it got a little tense as the cavalcade of mistakes commenced. By the Hail Mary, all eyes were on the UK game--and me--and the place erupted after Douchey McTrippyfoot caught the pass and I spilled my water. Luckily, well, you know what happened.

Anyway, fuck you Comcast. Fuck you up your stupid ass.

Friday, September 12, 2008

How Did She Make it Through Middle School?

It's much funnier to assume that the author is actually a man named by a majority vote consisting of witless male chauvinists after said author wrote a bunch of wussy articles.

Poor gal.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Thanks, D-Bags!

Thanks Reds, for not blowing it and being your normally worthless and shitty selves.

Thanks Soriano, for belting a bunch of homeruns with a telephone pole.

You both are still collective assholes.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I Want to Stab My Own Balls

The Cubs are blowing it. The season's lost. Down 9-0 to the shitfuckity ball-less Reds. So this is rock bottom...

Thanks for getting us through 4 strong, Lilly and Lieber! You guys are a couple of fuck-tards. I have 4.5 painful innings still left to watch. Good Lord. I hope my TV explodes.

Hey, do you guys mind if I speak candidly? Good. I fucking despise, with every fiber of my being--fucking despise--Alfonso Soriano. What a worthless douche of a leadoff hitter. I should be respectful, though, he does hop like a fun boy when he catches pop flies.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

On Hunter and Da Ville

Boy, college football makes this a lot easier. A shitty Louisville team makes this fun. I will post ten times a day if they keep sucking like this.

Train, you're loyal; that's what I like about you. Honestly, though, Hunter Cantwell looks bad. Really, really bad. Like, kind of clueless and scared bad. I'm not going to start blathering about how bad he sucks after one game, however; even I am not that pre-judg...mental...? Is that a word? Anyway, did no one see this coming?

OK, let's assume he sucks. Well, he does kind of suck...but let's assume he sucks for the rest of the season. Now, think about Cantwell. He came out of Tilghman, Brooks pulled his scholly, and he walked on for the Cards. He had some big games--under Petrino--and he has a big arm. However, he really had zero experience, and people starting christening him as the best returning QB in the country. And not just the psychotic fringe of shitheads on ITV--like Mel fucking Kiper and Todd McShay. How are they so wrong?

I guess the answer is: they're not. Hunter is a talented QB, with good size and strength. Unfortunately, he is surrounded by zero experienced receivers, and his draft status will likely suffer. It will truly be interesting to see how his season turns out.

Oh, and for the record, I have always been skeptical of Cantwell's abilities. We'll see what he can do, I guess.

As for the Cards, I will say that this fall was inevitable. It doesn't happen often where the top HS school player in the country comes out of your hometown--for UL, two of the best were in the same class...I think...maybe it was consecutive years, but you get the point. That, coupled with Petrino, equals lightning in a bottle. I (don't) hate to say it, but that's never coming back.

Monday, September 1, 2008

What We Learned

I feel like being an asshole. Here's a list of the UL skill players on offense, as well as some others, and what we now know about them.

Hunter Cantwell: A generally shitty, overhyped quarterback with a great arm. Unfortunately, three years of speculation and hype came to a boil yesterday, and he completely shit the bed. Although he only played in a couple of games under Petrino, he benefitted most from that system. Should've gone pro last year...seriously.

He does, however, have time to turn it around and not look so pathetically terrible. I have faith in him, especially since his receivers suck so much ass.

Bilal Powell: A generally shitty, overhyped running back with great speed. Had a good game last year against...someone, and was christened the answer to the Cards' running game. Unfortunately, for UL fans, he runs like a total bitch. Kind of like Rafael Little, without the talent.

Peter Nochta: You know, this guy was not that fucking awful. He sucked, to be sure, but I expected "awful" to "fucking God-awful" for sure with this guy. I think he had a few catches. Slower than shit, though.

Doug Beaumont: UL's best offensive skill player, and that includes everyone's favorite "noodler." Fast, elsusive, and pretty much one of the few guys playing like he had a pair on UL's offense, Beaumont made almost every catch that he had to--even those in traffic.

Chris Vaughn: Holy fucking non-existent. This guy blows.

Brock Bolen: Worst starting running back in 1-A? Maybe. Either him or Tony Dixon. Anyway, seriously....seriously. Please, for the love of football, make him your douch-ey, change of pace back. I mean, he's a pretty weak bruiser.

Troy Pascley: Literally had a TD pass hit his numbers. I've seen grade school players with better hands.

Vic Anderson: If he is not UL's feature back this season, I'd be surprised. He ran hard, he didn't fear the defense like Powell did, and he can make people miss. Also looks pretty solid catching the ball out of the backfield.

Josh Chichester: Apparently, this chief is like 12 feet tall--and pretty darn good. He may end up having a big year for the Cards.

Eric Wood: Slower than Myron Pryor. He's also unable to block Myron Pryor.

Chris Philpott: Laughably bad at kicking. Missed the dog shit out of his only field goal attempt. You will sweat on extra points, Cards, if you losers ever get into the endzone.

Cory Goettsche: Meh. Actually, kind of shitty.

Cards D: Actually, very solid. UK's offense clearly needs work, and they were trying to keep things simple, but UL's D is pretty good. They had guys in the right places, which is a vast improvement from last year. The D-line is especially solid. The Heymans a good.

Ron English: Can't be his real name. Also, he can't count.

Jeff Brohm: The Cards' offensive genius and savior! Well, he turned out to be a major flop and a failure in game one. If this trend continues, it will show why hirings and firings should not be controlled by a loud, whiny fan base.