Wednesday, July 30, 2008

C'mon! Same Team!

Apparently, Giambi doesn't think highly of the ol' shift-a-rooski, as he's seen here giving Brian Roberts the finger. Hey assholes, don't you realize your on the same fantasy team?!?! Ibanez=Available management is not thrilled, and will handle the matter internally.

Oh, you don't know your on the same team? I guess that would explain all of the unanswered emails.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Thank You Ted Turner

I still remember that day, just over two years ago on July 25, 2006, when ESPN announced they were terminating their relationship with Baseball Tonight's Harold Reynolds after he allegedly sexually harassed anywhere from one to 100 women. (Okay, so I looked up the date on Wikipedia after having this idea for a post and it just happened to be almost two years ago exactly, but I do remember it.) It was a dark day at Audobon Parkway, where Evan and I, like most college grads, were living with his parents, drinking Eddie's High Lifes, never missing a Sunday doubleheader (Chick Inn and Captain's Quarters) and contemplating our unemployment options between jobs - selling pottery for the Sandman and mowing greens at Audobon Country Club. Centre College and our parents must have been so proud, although I vaguely remember Toots screaming at us both daily about job fairs while firing the Classifieds in our direction.

When Evan told me that ESPN had split up Harold and Krukky, the most formidable duo in baseball history, I was speechless. I screamed, he wept, we blankly stared, we drank away our sorrows, and there may have been a hug. Harold Reynolds, minus the inappropriate behavior towards women which we never condoned, was our hero, and then without warning, he was gone, never to be seen on BBTN, the College World Series (where he undoubtedly harassed Erin Andrews), or the Little League World Series again.

He surfaced on last summer, but even for Harold I refused to pay the $14.95/month to watch the games. So that brings me to today, when I tuned into TBS for the Cubs-Marlins game and found Harold Reynolds back in the booth, for the whole nation to see. I could finally move on with my life knowing that my idol was back in the saddle. I can only hope he will keep his hands off of his female co-workers until the playoffs are over, or for at least the next week so he will be in the booth for the Yankees-Angels next Sunday. Thank you Ted Turner, thank you TBS.

Note: Reynolds may have been broadcasting these Sunday TBS games all season, but this was probably the first time I watched. Another note, Samardzija was "nasty" once again today, striking out three for a two-inning save.

Friday, July 25, 2008

That's Nasty

The BBTN segment "That's Nasty" applied to many different pitchers on Friday around Major League baseball…but I would like to focus on two, one apiece from the teams I picked to appear in the Fall Classic - the Yanks' Joba Chamberlain and the Cubs' Jeff Samardzija.

The Yanks were heavily criticized for their decision to throw Chamberlain in the rotation mid-season. I think it is working. Joba still did not get any run support, but it didn't matter. Throughout his seven inning, nine strikeout performance in a 1-0 win at Fenway Park that moved the Yanks to 7-0 since the break, he made Boston hitters look bad. He has not given up more than three runs in any of his 10 starts, has 63 Ks in 54.2 innings, and has lowered his season ERA to 2.30. If not for a lack of run support, his record as a starter would be much better than 2-1. Sorry Evan, he may not have deserved the attention before, but he certainly does now.

Using extremely quick judgement after the most encouraging blown save in the history of Wrigley Field, Samardzija may be heading to a similar impact on a playoff race that Joba had last year. Yes, the former Notre Dame receiver blew the lead and tossed one of the worst pitch outs I have ever seen, but he was, like Joba, nasty. As Buster Olney pointed out on BBTN, the fact that Lou Pinella put him in the situation he did on the day he was called up points to one of two things, either Pinella has lost his mind or this kid is for real. My guess is both are true. If Samardzija has the impact I think he might and claims the position in front of Kerry Wood in the Cubs' pen, the Joba comparisons will continue, the Cubs will hold off the charging Brew Crew, and my World Series prediction is looking very good. Next year, we will look for another overanalyzed move from the pen to the rotation.

I was going to write about my observations on USA Basketball's first exhibition game and stateside sendoff tonight, but after watching the boys in red, white, and blue dismiss our Northside neighbors 120-65 (including 90-41 after the first quarter) in Vegas, I decided to stick with the phrase "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas. To be honest, the blowout did not generate many thoughts. I am a huge fan of the Olympics, specifically USA Basketball, so rest assured you get updates, analysis, predictions and more as we approach Beijing.

A couple of quick notes:
- Jerry Colangelo did a good job putting this team together and sorry to you UK fans, but I think in picking a coach as well.
- Even without 'Bron, USA is really good, balanced, and deep. Canada is quite the opposite.
- The USA uniforms are pretty hideous, they should also Stay in Vegas.
- I think ESPN found their play-by-play guy at the Mirage after an afternoon of slots and Martinis. The guy actually said, "Kobe Bryant is too cool for school." Possibly a late reference to his decision in 1996 to skip college, but pretty bad nonetheless.

Fatlanta Phalcons

The Good: Uhhhhh. . .Ummmmm. . .Oh, I got it, these two dick wads are no longer affiliated with this franchise.

To be fair, I know that in the big picture what dick wad #1 did was no where near as bad as what dick wad #2 did, but the funny thing is if you listened to interviews with the other players on the team at the end of last year, though they condemned Vick's actions, they would not indict his character. Petrino on the other hand. Can you imagine, forever being associated with a herpes spreading, bad alias using, drug smuggling (the water bottle incident), dog fighting, scum bag all because you are such a pussy that you can't even fulfil your obligations to people who take a chance and put their faith in you for one year? But I digress, the point is, beyond these two no longer being a distraction, there's nothing good to say about the Falcons this year.

The Bad: Everything else. When I look at their roster I feel like they guy in Major League when he's handed a list of guys the Indians will be inviting to camp: I've never heard of half of these guys, and the ones I do know are way past their prime. . .I don't even know where to begin with this, so I'll start with the defense which finished in the bottom four in the league last year in the following: sacks, yards allowed, points, and touchdowns. The best part of all this is that they lost their best defensive player (DeAngelo Hall) so look for them to fall to the bottom four in takeaways this year as well. The other side of the ball doesn't look a whole lot better. Yeah, they got their guy when Matt Ryan fell to them (more on that in a minute) but he won't be ready to go at the start of the season which leaves them with Chris Redman. Redman was quite mediocre last year, which was a stunning improvement over his performances prior to that. They did bring in Michael Turner from LaDainian Tomlinson's shadow, but he won't have anywhere to run behind that line. Much like on defense they let their best offensive player (Alge Crumpler), from a shitty offense to begin with, go. As for the receivers, Roddy White showed flashes of talent last year, but. . .you know what, I don't want to talk about this anymore, it's making me sick.

The Fuck Were You Thinking???: Listen, I like Arthur Blank, I really do. He's a fantastic business man, and seems to be one of the genuinely nice guys in The League from everything I've heard about him. Oh yeah, and he has a sweet mustache. That said, it seems that this guy doesn't have the first fucking clue about football, and every one of his "business instincts" that took him to the top have mired him deeper in shit in the NFL. First, he built his franchise around Michael Vick. I guess that seemed like a good idea at the time, but eventually you have to open your fucking eyes! It became pretty clear a few years back that this guy had major character issues, and with all the shit swirling around something was going to stick. Next was Petrino, again, it probably seemed like a good move at the time, but it would probably only take about 15 minutes of research to realize that this clown has no integrity. . .or personality. Then to replace him, he brings in a guy in Mike Smith who has never had a head coaching job, at any level. Not really a recipe for success. Oh, and then in the draft they took a quarterback who'll never be anything more than a very average pro. He was probably the best of this class coming out of college, but that's like being the tallest midget. Think Alex Smith a few years back. Who didn't see that coming? What he should have done is addressed any other position this year (they all needed it) with a pick like Glenn Dorsey, and addressed quarterback next year. . .with Tim Tebow and the first overall pick.

2008 Outlook: I don't see a game on their schedule that I feel confident that they will win. They will be the worst team in the league this year, and the only reason I'm giving them 3 wins is because what Miami did last year will be very tough to duplicate.

Record: 3-13
Division: 4th
Playoffs: Bitch Please

Tomorrow: The Baltimore Ravens

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Just What Everyone Wanted: Another Ass Hole Spewing About The NFL

Since Evan has been busy with other things and not blogging here regularly, he agreed to allow me to give my takes and be his NFL Correspondent- I'd like to thank him for that. I'd also like to thank "Hoosier Gamecock" for his nice piece to set me up, although I think it was inadvertent (yep, I said I'd like to thank him for his nice piece, and I'll stand by that.)
So, allow me first to introduce myself: I am the Armchair Long Snapper and I will be posting about The NFL, and only The NFL. No world events, no baseball or basketball, not even college football, just The NFL. And like some blog sites (although not really this one) I will have a format so that my loyal readers know when to check back for their favorite Armchair Long Snapper piece. I'll do my best while writing this to keep it light and not get all up my own ass.
Thursday- you can read my fantasy takes (both review and preview). I am aware that no one in the world likes reading about how close someones fantasy team came to winning this past week, so I'll keep it generalized. But know that in the past 4 years I have won about $3600 in fantasy football money, which makes me awesome.
Saturday- you will get my picks for the upcoming weekend.
Tuesday- I'll review the previous week's action.

In the meantime I'll be posting a team by team preview everyday- they won't be about camp battles and shit that we've all read 1,000 times this month already, I'll try to keep it interesting. So, starting alphabetically, we begin with:

Arizona Cardinals

The Good: You knew it wouldn't take Ken Whisenhunt long to get things going in the right direction. This team has some nice talent. Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald form probably the most formidable receiver tandem west of Indianapolis, and though they lost the talented but oft-injured Bryant Johnson, they replaced him in the draft with Early Doucet. Furthermore, they bolstered their line prior to last season and discovered that running the ball occasionally is an acceptable substitute to flinging it all over the field. On defense Antrel Rolle and Adrian Wilson roaming the secondary should setup plenty of short fields for the offense. Plus, the NFC West is pretty wide-open, and getting to play San Fran and the Rams twice should help their chances.

The Bad: Rumor has it Edgerrin James traded in that gold grill for a nice set of dentures. 300+ carries in each of the last 5 seasons has aged him beyond his years. Should he get hurt? Don't ask. Marcel Shipp and J.J. Arrington are. . .they are. . .well, they're shitty. Seriously. Also, yeah their secondary is pretty tough, but there are huge question marks on the D-line and at linebacker, which makes the entire defense fairly suspect overall.

And The Fairly Douchy: Matt Leinart. Listen, I have no problem with this guy slaying every bit of pussy in the Pacific Time Zone. Who wouldn't be doing that? But this clown needs to chillax on the celebrity shit until he's actually accomplished something. . .anything. Yeah I know, he won a Heisman and a National Championship, but I'm talking about the pros here, and he's been a shitty pro to date. When you're supposed to be rehabbing your injured knee and your backup is playing better than you ever have, the only hot tub you need to be in is in the training room and if you can convince the trainers to bring you a beer bong and a couple of skanks in there, well more power to you- that would probably silence the bitching. Think of NFL fame as the Burger King Steakhouse Burger: Tom Brady has discovered a planet and therefore can eat the burger, Leinart. . .helped.

2008 Outlook: This team just reeks of mediocrity, and outside of the aforementioned weak division they reside in, their schedule is pretty damn tough, featuring both of last year's Super Bowl teams as well as the Cowboys.
Record: 7-9
Division: 2nd
Playoffs: Nope

Sorry it was so long, but I hope it was a somewhat enjoyable read. Tomorrow: Atlanta.

Right on!

Good work bitching about the NFL, HG, as a new NFL writer will be added to the fold here at the blog! The NFL sucks and is boring (outside of my fantasy team), so this new blogger will provide needed insight to a sport that millions of Americans adore. And no, it's not Peter King.

Also, this doesn't mean that I won't constantly bitch about the droves of Colts fans at IU in the fall, especially those who then morph back to IU fans again in late November. Can't blame 'em; IU"s football team sucks ass.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Do I really have to care?

Okay, I get it, July is a slow sports month and there is not much going. It is the middle of the baseball season before the playoff races really get started, Tiger Woods has stopped playing golf, and college football practices haven’t started. I also understand the NFL has taken over the sports industry. As ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd says, “There are two sports seasons, football season and waiting for football season.” I like the NFL, I follow a couple of teams fairly religiously, I had three fantasy football teams, and my Sundays revolve around wings, the beer special, and the NFL.

But really, tell me again why I am supposed to care where a now past his prime 38-year old turnover machine may or may not play next season? Why can I not turn on any of the ESPN stations without hearing about Brett Favre? I am not even going to get into what the Packers should do, whether his overly inflated, flip-flopping ego is hurt because Green Bay doesn’t want him back, what other teams would or would not want him, how this effects his legacy, whether we should feel sorry for Aaron Rodgers, and on and on and on. I do not care, and I do not know why ESPN and numerous other sports media outlets keep telling me I am supposed to.

Maybe I am missing something, maybe everyone else is right, and maybe I should care. So I decided to do some research. Yes, Brett Favre is a first ballot Hall of Famer, he has broken numerous NFL career passing records, has won three MVP awards, and has a Super Bowl ring. According to my research, he was really good in the mid to late 90s, but that doesn’t tell me why I should care in 2008.

So, I looked at the most recent three-year period to see how this “icon” compares to his peers in the NFL. The answer, not very well.

In the past three years, eight quarterbacks (Favre, Peyton, Brady, Brees, Palmer, Roethlisberger, Hasselbeck, and Eli) have averaged at least 14 regular season games played. In those three seasons, the other seven QBs, with Eli Manning’s plus-seven included, have an average turnover margin of +36. During that span, Favre’s turnover margin is -6. That is a 42 turnover difference if you are scoring at home. I have never played or coached football, but turnover margin and ball possession are important, right?

Some other important stats I have heard about are QB rating and completion percentage. Again, including Eli’s 75.6, the other seven have an average QB rating of 91.8. Brett Favre has a QB rating of 79.8, ahead of only Eli and almost a full 10 points behind sixth place on the list, Hasselbeck’s 88.5. Let’s try completion percentage. Again, only Eli’s is worse.

So does that mean that Brett Favre is the seventh best QB in the NFL today? I think not. It's debatable that he is better than Eli (who just won a Super Bowl). There are also several other QBs, who did not qualify for the above based on my arbitrary requirements, who have performed better in recent years than Favre. Injuries have limited Donovan McNabb, Marc Bulger, Jake Delhomme, and Kurt Warner to 10-12 games per year over the last three, but their numbers are better than Favre’s. Tony Romo (by far) and Phillip Rivers (by a good amount) have outplayed Favre while starting most of their team’s games in the past two seasons.

In the 90s, Brett Favre was the man. In 2008, he is a mediocre gunslinger who can’t give it up. Could he help some teams? Sure, anyone is an improvement over Alex Smith, Kyle Boller, whoever the Falcons run out there, and of course, Rex Grossman. But am I really supposed to care THIS MUCH? If I care about Favre, I think ESPN Classic is the only place I should be able to find him.

Peoples Done Lost they Mind

I went to a swim meet yesterday for work. It doesn't matter where. It was outdoors, so I guess you can rule out Greenland. I made some observations, most of them centered around a binding thesis.

People. Are. Fucking. Insane.

23 teams. 23 goddamn teams. Obviously, that means that each event will have more than one heat. However, do we have to watch the heat that has only two teams? It's agonizing. The meet was a two team race from the beginning (one team has won the last 20 in a row!), and I must admit there at the end, I was pretty excited. The margin was extraordinarily slim. Anyway, the two teams in the pool for a relay is absurd. Invariably, one team is made up of Mark Spitz' kids and a shark, while the other team is three fat kids and a rock. One time, the margin was a full minute. That means, there was cheering, the cheers died, and then everyone realized the rock was still swimming (says something when an inanimate object is your anchor), so they had to commence the awkward cheer. Ew.

This next one isn't necessarily particular to swimming, but I saw it a lot last night from one dude. You know when guy's act all gay and then start touching up on chicks? Does it freak anyone else out?

"Who, Raef? Oh, Lord, he's gayer than a picnic basket! Don't worry about Raef."

We get it. As if the visor, frosted tips, and crocs weren't already a dead give-away, you molesting the mid-section of my nine year old daughter was. Being gay doesn't make you less of a pederast, you creep.

The coaches at this fucking thing. Good Lord. I actually saw this at Shuey's swim meet at CC, but last night it was rampant. You know what swim coaches do at meets? Yell go. They yell it as loud and as often as possible, usually while gyrating toward the finishing wall. Goooo. Go! GO!!! As far as I could tell, the swimmers already knew this was a race. But, maybe not.

Speedos. Sick.

Annnnd the parents. As I indicated earlier, the same team has won the last twenty years. That's pretty good. Like, a high school could never do that, right? Anyway, before I lay into the parents, I want to say that if I walked in and none of the kids had those retarded swim caps on, I could tell you the winner. 22 teams were full of assholes and dick-faces. One team was not. They won. I don't have a major problem with the assholes and dick-faces, because, hey, they just want to have fun. However, the fucklords who spawned these kids freak the fuck out about the good team.

"Of course they win, all the good kids go there."

"I know I saw them fault at least twice."

"Well, their neighborhood's the biggest."

It went on. Don't these parents realize that a) their kid gives no shit, and b) it embarrasses the fuck out of their kid when they flip out over a foot fault in the 8-9 girls 200 meter relay (which lasted approximately 12 hours)? One woman, who stood right behind me, attempted to get a "Coo-per, Coo-per" chant started. Cooper, I presume, is her child. There are parents and kids from 22 other teams. To think that they will join you in the "Cooper" chant is batshit fucking insane.

Parents are insane.

The end.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Oh, Hi There

Hey, it's a blog. I bet someone should be updating this.

HG isn't really holding up his end of the bargain. That being, of course, posting. I have absolutely nothing to talk to you about. I'm sorry. I'm really thinking hard...

Oh well. I'm sure someone will do something stupid soon. Here are some funny videos!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Train, you may need to dot your tears with a homer hanky

I've spoken a bit about the sports talk radion guys here in SC. They suck balls. Namely, this guy.
His name is Bobby Hartin, and he's a total shithead. Anyway, today there was some babbling about the hall of famers at last night's all-star game. There were mentions of who was and wasn't at the game. It was inane and fucking terribly boring. Until this took place (almost verbatim):

Hartin: Well, what about Kirby Puckett? Where was he?

Sidekick (awkwardly): Kirby Puckett?

Hartin: Oh no. He's in JAIL ain't he?

Sidekick: I, um, think he may be dead.


Hartin: Jo-, um, what about Johnny Bench? Was he there?

Yes, Bobby. I suppose, since Puckett was an African-American, that if he isn't somewhere you think he should have been, then he has to be in jail. Unfortunately, he's already been killed by a bunch of gang-bangers when he was buying crack.

Right Bobby, you dumb fucking hick?

Tips for Dating Kentucky Women

Knowing I am an Indiana fan and went to school in Kentucky, a friend of mine in South Carolina sent me the below Facebook message today.

HG's Friend: If I take a girl from UK to dinner tonight, can we still be friends?? Need a response before 7.

Through my time in Kentucky, I decided I may be able to help this friend out in preparing for this date, and I wanted to share my response with the faithful readers of this blog.

HG: If she is attractive and has ALL of her teeth, then yes I can let that slide...Is this girl from Kentucky?

If so, a few things to think about:
1. If she is from Lexington or another horse town (Versailles, Bourbon County, Winchester), she may need to be wined and dined. Some rich young ladies in those parts.
2. She may be impressed if you drink bourbon, but do not fake it too much and throw up, my past history indicates she will probably not be impressed by that. Woodford Reserve and Makers Mark are good options.
3. If she is from anywhere else, specifically Pikeville, Paintsville, or Harlan, she will probably be happy with working electricity and maybe some Golden Corral and Moonshine.
4. Ask her if she knows Joe Conley and has any good stories about him. I have $100 on the answer being yes to both questions.
5. Make sure you have paper towels and Band-Aids available in case she "Bleeds Blue" all over your car or apartment.
6. If the night proceeds into bedroom-related events, ask her if you are the first person she will ever sleep with who is not related to her.
7. Finally, tell her you have a friend in the area who went to Centre College, and ask her if she has any hot friends.

This may prove irrelevant if she just went to school at UK from somewhere more civilized in the country, but you can never be too prepared.

If any of you have any other pointers for my good friend, please share in the comments section.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Halfway to the trophy

I would like to first apologize to the readers of this blog for the inactivity over the past week-plus. My excuses are vacations, job applications, and intoxication. I am not sure what Evan's excuse is, but I guess I will just blame the rest on the dog days of summer. The only thing going on in sports right now is the Brett Favre charade and A-Rod having sexual relations with a 50-year old, and I do not think you want to hear anything else about those from people who do not really know anything.

So with the MLB All-Star Game approaching, I have decided to end our blogging silence with my version of the Mid-Season Awards and predictions for the rest of 2008. Jayson Stark's version may be more entertaining, but I tried my best damnit.

National League (predicted end of the season winner in parentheses)
MVP: Lance Berkman, Astros - His team sucks which will prevent him from winning the end of the season award, but look at his numbers (.347, 22 HR, 70 RBI) and he has been the best hitter in the league. (David Wright, Mets)

Cy Young: Edinson Volquez, Reds - Like Berkman, his team sucks but he has the best numbers and has been the most dominating thus far (11-3, 2.36 ERA, 116 Ks). I fully expect him to slow down over the second half, which has already started somewhat, but to this point he is the winner. (Cole Hamels, Phillies)

Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto, Cubs - Not even close, rookie catcher on the best team so far (.287, 16 HR, 24 2Bs, 55 RBI). (Soto)

Manager of the Year: Tony LaRussa, Cardinals - Just barely over Lou Pinella, but the Cubs were supposed to be good, and the Cardinals were not. As the season continues, LaRussa will lose this leading position, but at the halfway point he deserves it. (Pinella, but watch out for Jerry Manuel of the Mets)

American League
MVP: Josh Hamilton, Rangers - Great story and great numbers (.313, 21 HR, 93 RBI), I do not believe at this point this race is close. He has 25, yes 25,more RBI than second place in the AL. (Hamilton - I hope he keeps it up, but if he doesn't, look out for A-Rod if the Yankees make a run at the playoffs)

Cy Young: Mariano Rivera, Yankees - Not a closer's award, but the best closer ever to step on a mound is having his best season ever and should be rewarded for it. He is a perfect 23-for-23 on save chances while allowing only one earned run in those situations (0.37 ERA). Overall, Rivera has a 12.5-1 strikeout to walk ratio and a 1.06 ERA. (Rivera)

Rookie of the Year: Evan Longoria, Rays - Like in the NL, this race is not even close and should stay that way. With All-Star numbers (.281, 16 HRs, 53 RBI), Longoria has the Rays atop the AL East. (Longoria)

Manager of the Year: Joe Maddon, Rays - Another race that is not even close. The perennial last-place Rays lead the AL East and have not backed down from the high-budget Red Sox and Yankees. I do not expect them in the playoffs, but I think they will hang around enough to make Maddon a shoe-in for the award. (Maddon)

Postseason Predictions
NL East - Mets
NL Central - Cubs
NL West - Diamondbacks
NL Wild Card - Phillies

AL East - Red Sox
AL Central - White Sox
AL West - Angels
AL Wild Card - Yankees

Divisional Playoffs
NL: Cubs over Phillies, 3-1
NL: Mets over Diamondbacks, 3-2
AL: Yankees over Angels, 3-2
AL: Red Sox over White Sox, 3-1

Championship Series

NL: Cubs over Mets, 4-3
AL: Yankees over Red Sox, 4-2

World Series

Yankees over Cubs, 4-3
- I know what you are thinking, HG must be a Yankees fan to say something that crazy. Well, you are right. However, if they can get in the playoffs and past their nemesis, the Angels, then I believe this prediction will hold true. Plus, can I really pick the Red Sox to beat them? No. After the AL's win in the All-Star Game, Game 7 will also be the last game ever in Yankee Stadium, it just seems right. Oh, and the Cubs are cursed, remember?

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Everybody chill!

Nobody move...OK, we've been through this before. Just remember the steps I taught you...

OK, we've been spammed:

jason said...
hey, here is the site i was talking about where i made the extra cash, I was making about $900 extra a month...check it out ..

Don't click those links! Jason's full of shit, man! I never talked to him about ANYTHING!


I can't believe that dick didn't even tell me that my blog was 'likable.'

My concession

You know, a day ago, I really thought I could do it. I believed that I would defy the odds, and win basically an unwinnable argument. HG, you win. But I still take issue with something you said.

First of all, the crux of your argument is quite strong, and something I hadn't considered. Replacing a shithead is ideal. You can't be as bad as he was---or, if you are, you will die. Also, much of what you said could go for anyone taking an AD jon anywhere. Hence, my unwinnable position.

However, this is wrong:

"At the same time, while you confront these challenges, you are given a longer leash because that same fan base, at least to a certain extent, understands the situation the idiots that came before you put you in."

Fans don't have leashes. At schools like IU, they have unrealistic expectations. The brunt of the whining will strike Crean, though, so Johnny NewDouche will get off easy. However, don't act like IU's fans are any more sane than UK's, UL's, etc. They will flip their shit just as fast---they showed that with Davis and Dakich.

As for Bloomington being a party town, Faggy McShitface won't care. Plus, in December, when he arrives, it will be balls mother-fucking freezing enough to make him want to set himself on fire.

As for the pizza, you're mostly right, but if I get an order for 'Crean,' I will shit on that pizza. So, Tom, if you're reading this, consider this your only warning.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

PTI: The IU Rebuttal

First, let us all commend Evan for putting together a fine effort arguing the losing side of the topic. I appreciate him letting me have the obvious side of this first argument because I am an Indiana fan. Lets be honest, arguing against taking an AD job in the Big Ten with a historically good basketball team is ridiculous. Now, let us all Pardon the Ignorance of his points, copy his format, and move on.

1. Is Indiana in “some shit?” Absolutely. Does that make Indiana a bad job? Absolutely not. To be considered for a job like AD at Indiana, one has undoubtedly shown the ability to accept challenges, overcome adversity and solve problems. Most people in these positions have egos, and they feel no situation is too difficult to overcome. For this reason they live for situations to be a savior, to rescue a powerhouse program and become a hero to an avid fan base. At the same time, while you confront these challenges, you are given a longer leash because that same fan base, at least to a certain extent, understands the situation the idiots that came before you put you in.

To simplify this argument, it is easier in the long run to replace Eddie Sutton or Rick Pitino? Is it easier to replace Mike Davis or Bob Knight? Tubby won, but he never lived up to the expectations set by Rick Pitino. The same holds true for an AD.

Finally, we live in the "one and done" era of college basketball, and due to changes in the recruiting landscape, quick transformations and rebuilding projects happen in the blink of an eye. For basketball, the right coach is already in place, and it will take just one or two good recruiting classes for Tom Crean to make Indiana a relevant contender again.

2. Does Indiana have a shitty football program? Historically, absolutely. Does this make Indiana a bad job? Absolutely not. First of all, you do not take the job as Indiana AD because of the football program. The legacy of the next Indiana AD will be determined based on the success of the basketball program.

Also, as a Big Ten fan who recognizes that the SEC is superior today in college football, I would argue that Indiana has a better chance to succeed in the Big Ten than UK does in the SEC. UK is a better program right now, but they have numerous teams in the SEC to hurdle to be a real contender. Other than Ohio State and Michigan and maybe Wisconsin, I would argue no one in the Big Ten has any significant advantage over Indiana, who has slowly improved over the past few years.

3. As for Bloomington, I wouldn’t expect you as a UK fan to enjoy living there, Evan. But you, to my knowledge, are not in the running for this job. I do not like the snow either, so I choose to live where it is a million degrees all year long, but some people thrive with the seasonal changes. I would also assume that more educated people would not have such an aversion to our technologically savvy friends from the Far East. Bloomington actually fares well among the best college towns, if he gets stressed it is a good place to party, and the girls are hot.

Oh yeah, and pizza is delicious. If you know me you know I think that it is also one of the most overpriced foods in the world. However, I am pretty sure the new Indiana AD could get a good deal on some slices of pie. If not, there is one more reason this is a great job, he will probably be able to afford a few pieces.

Why the IU job sucks: an objective analysis

For those who don't know, this is the first installment of an argument between HG and myself. He will be given this very same space for a retort, and the the bickering will last as long as it must---or until we run out of vodka.

I will format my post as a list of points, each exhibiting why being the athletic director at IU would make a man want to stab his own face off. The list format is for several reasons: 1)it's easier to write/read, 2)well that's pretty much it. It's easier. It also makes it easier on HG to argue, because he can point directly at a certain notion that I have assumed, or completely made up.

I will now spend the next 45-55 minutes trying to figure out how to format a list on blogger...


I did it! I will bold my points for the lazy people. Also, if I'm not especially snarky in this post, forgive me, a Sportscenter "I Wish" is on and this kid just met Grady Sizemore in the Indians clubhouse. I have a new perspective. However, that locker room probably smells like balls and feet.

  1. Indiana is in some shit. I don't think this is really news to anyone, but whoever the new AD is will have to clean up the mess left by Greenspan. Sure, the punishment may be to drop a few schollies or whatever, but the image of the university's storied basketball program has been tarnished. The new guy will have to be someone with a history of a clean program, or some d-bag, no-nonsense chump with a crew-cut. Tom Crean will be a solid fit as far as following rules, but will he win enough games? Plus, don't you think it will be tough to do your job with (IU) president McRobbie on your back constantly? You will be under unbearable pressure to succeed, while trying to recreate the angelic image that IU has gotten...from themselves.
  2. Indiana's football team is a shitty piece of shit. Yeah, there are other sports at IU. You didn't know that because the Hoosiers suck so bad at them (except soccer or whatever). I know they went to a bowl last year, but everybody goes to a bowl. They also got throttled. No one cares about football in Bloomington, Mr. AD. Your job is to make them care, because there is an entire season devoted to the sport. I'm tired of seeing Colts jerseys.
  3. You have to live in Bloomington. I have lived in Danville, and I have never lived in a place where it rains more. It's not just rain, either. It's a pouring, painful driving storm for hours on end. Plus, it gets down to like four degrees in the winter, and it's like 250 in the summer, plus humidity. As I've said before, there should be a sign when you drive in saying, "Welcome to Bloomington: If it ain't rainin', it's snowin'." OK, it's nice in the fall, but who cares, the football team licks balls? The traffic is unbearable, and there's nowhere to park---ever. And the Asians. My God, the Asians. They do have a pretty rockin' pizza joint, though.

So. Here's some fodder, HG. Do your worst.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Everyone but me is to blame

I'll have my argument about IU being a shitty job tomorrow. Hail Silver!

In its stead, please, please, read these two posts from the same site. The site is hysterical: READ.

This one is about the Ozzie/Lou rap. Oh man. Hilarious.