Saturday, January 31, 2009

We're Screwed.

If We Lose, We're Screwed

This game is way more important than it seems. If UK loses today, and they might, then they fall right back onto the bubble. It seems that everybody is just assuming they'll win, perhaps due to Gillispie's unblemished SEC home record. Still, Carolina's good, probably better than UK.

I'm not really sure what to expect. I'd really like to see Galloway play, but he probably won't, due to his good attitude, length, and defensive prowess. Nah, we'll err on the side of inefficiency, and play Liggins for 30 error-filled minutes.

That's not fair. But seriously, if I have to watch Liggins shoot 1-7 from three again, I'm going to snap. Plus, USC's guards are good...and not freshman. This game is a horrible match-up for UK, especially because of the 'Cocks backcourt.

This whole post is just nervous typing without thought. Please win. Please.

Friday, January 30, 2009

We're Going to Play a Game

It's a mean game, that I shouldn't be playing. I'm going to provide a few grafs of text from a newspaper column, and you get to guess who wrote it. Sound fun?! Here goes:

From Tampa, Fla. -- The fairy tale is that, if he wins Sunday, the Arizona Cardinals quarterback has promised to buy his family a puppy.

The reality show is that the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to whip the dog out of him.

OK, I quit, it's your boy Bill P. from Louisville, now in L.A. As an aside, the first time I read this, I thought it said, "whip the dong out of him," which would've been way cooler. Anyway, it goes on:

The fairy tale is that, while dining with his family every Friday night before home games, the Arizona Cardinals quarterback picks up a stranger's bill.

The reality show is that the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to cash him out.

The fairy tale is that, for the second time in a bungee-jump of a career, Kurt Warner will finish work Sunday as the sweetest of Super Bowl heroes.

The reality show is that the Pittsburgh Steelers will make him melt in their mouthpieces.

I didn't read the rest of the story (Paul Harvey would be pissed), but I can only assume it was as overwritten as this. A fairy tale and a reality show? I'll say it again: this guy wins awards. A lot of them.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Heads Up

Hey assholes.

I'm trying to post more often, and if you find yourself yearning to hear from me, you should check out my Twitter and Tumblr. Basically, the Tumblr is shit I've read, seen, or heard elsewhere, and the Twitter is what I'm doin'. So, if you care, check 'em out. I'll update those multiple times throughout the day.

It's Always Owls...

Remember the St. Joe's Owl that got in a fight because the opposing mascot attempted to forcibly cease his constant arm-flapping? Now, Rice's Owl gets in some shit:

Found here.

I Don't Want to do This

I really don't. I know you'll think that I'm delighted to come to this conclusion, but I'm not. Oh well, here goes: the Big East sucks.

Hold it. Hold it right there. That's hyperbole, folks. Obviously, the BE doesn't suck. I'm just trying to pull you in. It's a journalism tool. I learned it from Plaschke. Basically, you glibly toss out a statement, don't back it up, then return to the original thesis as if you'd sufficiently supported it. Those aren't journalism tools--at all.

Anyway, before I rethink this, I'd like to explain my reasoning as to why the BE is 2nd to one, then a gap, then the rest of Amurrica.

First of all, UL is not only the most athletic team in the league, they are pretty much the only team that has more than one athlete. Here's how a BE team is typically built, complete with made up names and dimensions:

PG, Terry Borders, 5'11'', 175: Borders is fast, a solid ball-handler, and a completely inept scorer. He'll break your press...then botch a lay-up or fire a one-handed bounce pass to the towel boy.

SG, Kerry Tollefson, 6'2'', 190: This guy might be white; otherwise, he'll be a black dude with a white name. Sometimes he'll go for 30; typically, though, he'll go 3-15. He will be the most skilled player on the floor, but more raw than some asshole comedian who describes his "edgy" set as such.

SF, Sammy Jakes, 6'8'', 215: This is where the players get huge. Sammy made a three against Seton Hall, so now he jacks whenever his team falls behind late (read: when the score reaches the fifties). Great rebounder and shover.

PF, Bull McKillingtop, 6'9'', 220: Vertical: 9''.

C, Rock Trainwhistle, 6'11'', 245: Basically a fat fuck, who's described as "athletic" because he doesn't shit himself when T-Bord fires a no-look into his gut.!

Look at the top league players. Sam Young is a good player. Blair's huge and strong. Devendorf's a gun. Flynn's good. Thabeet is uncoordinated. Tory Jackson is a turnover. Harangody shoots like a chick. McAlarney is streaky. Monroe's young and still a little raw.

The players are big, strong, and good at rebounding. Awesome. Watching Louisville drag these teams is very difficult. No one in the league can guard T-Will or Earl. They can't run with them. But they'll out-rebound 'em, by god!

So, who's better? Really, there isn't much out there. UK would finish at least 8th in the league. However, I don't think there's a team in the BE that UK couldn't beat--if just once out of ten. The Big 12? OU is probably pretty good; Texas as well. The SEC is a pile of shit.

That leaves the ACC. Of course there's no way to quantify these teams objectively, but I would offer that UNC, Wake, and Duke are better than every BE team. Of course that means they are top-heavy, but so is the BE. Teague, Ellington, Lawson, and Henderson are better than any guards the BE has (T-Will and Flynn are up there). Obviously the BE wins in terms of brawn, but where does brawn get you when you need points? Every BE game between Pitt and G'town and 'Cuse and 'Nova comes down to a free throw shooting/shoving match in the post. No one can score, except UConn and UL, and they can't do it consistently.

This is not all to say that a BE team won't reach the Final Four. UL has a great shot, as does UConn. Pitt won't. G'town won't. ND won't get close. Syracuse is a joke. That said, I think the three ACC teams have a better shot, especially Duke and UNC. Wake can get there, but they'll probably choke.

Perhaps the coming weeks will demostrate my point better than the stream-of-consciousness ramble above. I predict UL and UConn will distance themselves from the rest of the league. I have no clue what Marquette's story is, but I assure you, UL isn't worried about them.

So, see. The Big East sucks. Like I said.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Psychology Study: In-Class Ambition

I feel like I should be totally forthright and honest: I'm not a psychologist. I took one psychology class in college, and we put those sticky things on our domes to monitor our brain activity or something. We talked some about how Freud banged his mom, or whatever, and watched videos. Us, not Freud. It was awesome. Anyway, I'm not a licensed psychologist.

I tell you all this because I am going to embark on a study of a phenomenon that I call In-Class Ambition. ICA occurs while one is sitting in class, any class, and pretending like they are paging through their notes when professors ask open-ended questions. Typically, in class, my brain is divided into three portions: the portion that is in class, the portion that is out of class, and the portion of reason---that's the smallest. Allow me to lead you through my first case study, which occurred yesterday.

Scene: A class full of people smarter than me. We're discussing a book that we read, or anything, for that matter. Here's a sampling of my quadrants' dialogue.

Reason: It's cold in here.
Out-of-class: I wonder how many words a minute I can type. I should work on that. When I get home, I'm testing myself.
Reason: No you won't.
Out-of-class: Yes I will. I'm going to do the dishes, laundry, and walk L.J. too. I'll work out, shower, and get the mail, too.
In Class: Oh my god. She looks like she's going to call on someone. Look busy. (Feverishly paging through notebook.)
Reason: Good work. Now back to drawing bubble letters.
Out-of-class: Anyway, I got a lot of work...
Reason: You won't do any of it.
Out-of-class: Shut up! Sure I will. It's better than this. Anything's better than class, right? Even when class is interesting, it's still feels imprisoning.
In-class: What's that word mean? Did we all read the same book? (Begin drawing boobs.)
Out-of-class: I bet if I wore enough clothes, I could run outside. My nipples might chafe, though. And bleed. Like those marathoners. That's sick. Those guys have diarrhea after they run sometimes...or during.
Reason: Let's bring it back...
Out-of-class: Good point. Back to my list: I'll lift, run, and do a bunch of chores, then I'll walk the dog.
In-class: OK, couple minutes left. Initiate fake-writing, furrowed brow, and deep thought sequence. Perfect executi---"Yes? Oh, well, yeah. Um, the author's tone is that of alarm..."
Reason: Stop talking so loud.
In-class: "...but I don't really understand his concern. I mean, weren't there...."
Reason: You're shouting.
In-class: "...curmudgeon's in every generation?"
Reason: Good work, a question of your own. That'll show 'em! You're a moron.
In-class: That wraps it up. Brutal. Be the first one out, so no one talks to you.
Out-of-class: Time to start my list!
Reason: I hate both of you.

As I exit the building into the weather abortion that is Bloomington, all my ambition floats away. I get home, drink bourbon, and play video games. I had visions of ultra-productivenss in class, but by the time it was over, I didn't do anything.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Remember Me?

So, I haven't been around these parts for awhile, but I check in from time to time on my good friends. Normally, I am disappointed with inactivity. Tonight, I was glad I did so.

This has nothing to do with anything, but Lil Mama just started crying on America's Best Dance Crew. I am not sure what is lower, that moment in television history or that moment in my life where I am watching America's Best Dance Crew.

Anyway, back to my point, Parmesean's article about Plaschke's article was great stuff. I laughed out loud a lot. I believe USC could have beaten anyone in the country at the end of the year, and that it would be nice to see Utah try, but until we have a playoff they dont get a chance, so these columns are almost as pointless and annoying as college football bowl games themselves.

Other thoughts from the Sunshine State while I have you here:
- I grew up an Indiana fan, so it surprised me the other day when I told Parmesean that I had never seen anything like the Jodie Meeks' performance in a college basketball game, and after trying hard to think of one better I stand by that claim. (Although one of my school's women's players just had 34 and 20 the other day, and that was awesome)
- Florida football fans rival UK basketball fans in terms of annoyance in times of dominance.
- Tyler Hansbrough is extremely overrated.
- Wake Forest guard and Indiana native Jeff Teague is extremely underrated.
- Three reasons to start watching the NBA in case you do not:
1. Shaq is good again.
2. J.J. Redick gets to play basketball again for a great Orlando Magic team.
3. You never got to watch three of the best players to ever play the game - LeBron James, Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard - hit the floor when they were in college.

See you in six months (possibly on here but more likely at a wedding in Charleston)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Is That Football About to Explode?

Kurt Warner

Call me crazy, but is that the correct football throwing motion? Did ESPN need a picture of Warner, but only had one of Sammy Baugh, so they were forced to PhotoShop?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Microcosm of Life in B-ton

Look at this fucking picture:

Kind of fuzzy, yes, but that is a tiny patch of snow hovering over this shithole. Sure enough, it's dumping outside.

But you gotta love the trees in the fall, right? Yeah, it's pretty, for three days tops.

Friday, January 2, 2009

The Pac-10, and its Glory

I'm not really in the business of psycho-criticizing professional's work, but after watching the Rose Bowl yesterday and reading this article by Plaschke, well, I just had to do something.

It's entirely possible that--had I not watched the Rose Bowl and heard the sounds of overzealous rimming from Musberger in the second half--this piece wouldn't piss me off too much. It's a home town writer giving his home town team some kudos. However, he goes waaaaaaaay over the top. Waaaaaaaaay.

(Bold his)

USC saves its best for last and deserves a reward


You saw it, you vote it.

I guess we should all stop reading now, as we don't have votes.

In the wake of a monumental Rose Bowl scrubbing Thursday, the challenge now lies with the rolled-up sleeves of the Associated Press poll.

I don't know if you guys ever took my advice to wander over to the now-defunct FJM, but if you did, or if you were just a huge Plaschke fan, you'd already know his annoying little habit of over-writing EVERYFUCKINGTHING. Why was this monumental (Seriously, is this the most Rose Bowls won in a row or something? I'm serious.)? 38-24, a scrubbing? First, what's a scrubbing? Second, and I'll grant that the game was out of hand throughout, but PSU could've pulled within 7 late if they weren't so damn incompetent. Third, Penn State is incompetent.

USC cannot win the Bowl Championship Series national title, but the fifth-ranked Trojans can still win an AP national championship.


After a breathtaking Pasadena afternoon marked by streaks of cardinal flying over lumps of white, couldn't they?

Yes. For that matter, so could Georgia. Or, oh I don't know, anyone that gets enough votes. Since when was beating mighty Penn State, or, "lumps of white," I suppose, your ticket to an automatic championship? And you can't say 1994.

Unless something more inspiring happens in the final week of the bowl season, shouldn't they?

See what he did with the questions there? Oh, and no.

You say crazy.


I say, they just beat the crew cuts off a sixth-ranked Penn State team that was one point from playing in the national championship game, a 38-24 victory that didn't feel nearly that close.

First, stop talking like that. It's extremely condescending and indirect. Say what you want to say, asshole, without telling me what I'm saying. "Beat the crew cuts?" Maybe Plaschke thinks this is 1994.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank that "one point," and Iowa, as all of you should also. Because holy fuck would OU and PSU be a shitty national championship.

You say, what about the lousy Pacific 10 Conference?

Oh good, still. And yes, I do say that. I hope he tells us what he'll say next...

I say,


the conference is 5-0 in bowl games, and if the quality of the neighborhood mattered a month ago, it should matter now.

OK. This again. First, "quality of the neighborhood?" Fine. Second, it does matter. Hence, the national championship game between a Big 12 team and an SEC team. Oh, and you should maybe stray from the whole "quality" thing, after beating up on another shitty Big 10 team. But yes, it should matter.

And using the bowl record as the crux of any argument is plain stupid. Unless, of course, you were arguing the least-effective way of determining a team's strength.

You say, what about the four one-loss teams ahead of USC?

I guess there's no reason why I wouldn't say that.

I say, if Texas and Alabama both struggle in bowl games, and if the national title game between Florida and Oklahoma is a dud, nothing will be as impressive as this.

This is always a fuzzy argument. How can the title game be a dud? You mean, like, if it's 3-0 (mighty Oregon State over Pitt)? And, I'm not even looking at the quality of the two teams involved. If Tebow and Bradford and Harvin and Demps and Inglesias and James and Urb and Moody and Rainey produce a "dud," then you win.

I'm guessing nobody will beat a higher-ranked team worse.

A fairly safe bet, I'd say, unless Utah really is Utah and 'Bama treats them as such.

I'm certain nobody will dominate another one-loss team more.

Again, Penn State was a better-than-average team. They weren't a Texas or Florida or 'Bama or Oklahoma.

It was 31-7 at halftime, the Trojans gaining nearly twice as many yards with nearly three times as many first downs.

It was 38-14 early in the fourth quarter, the Trojans outgaining the Nittany Lions, 497-280, before using the rest of the game to celebrate.

Yes, 'twas a shit-kicking. I'll grant that. Again, I don't like the "oh, we were celebrating, that's how they made it close." Did LSU celebrate against GT? Fuck no. They whipped their dicks out and faked a punt up 38-3 in the 4th. Why? Because I'm pretty sure Les Miles thinks they have a shot at the AP title.


It was Joe Paterno looking as lost as I'd ever seen him, saying something about an opponent I never thought I'd hear him say.

"I think Southern Cal has every right to say they're as good as anybody else in the country," he said.

He's right, they do. However, they shouldn't get the national championship because they beat arguably the 10th best team.

It was Pete Carroll looking as happy as I'd ever seen him, saying something that he hasn't believed until now.

After offering respect to the teams playing for the national title, he then said, "I don't think anybody can beat us. This is a terrific finishing program. We can play 'D.' We can throw the ball if we have to. We can run the ball if we have to. We're just really, really hard to beat right now."

He has every right to say, and believe, that. They could beat anyone in the country. However, they beat Penn fucking State. When Texas throttles Ohio State, won't they have this argument? Won't they have a better argument? Conjecture, I apologize. Won't they, though?

They are really hard to beat at the end of every season, but, aside from the BCS national title victory over Oklahoma, this may be Carroll's best finish yet.

Why? Because they beat up another Big 10 team? Nothing against USC, because it's not their fault, but they smash the same crappy Big 10 teams every year. When Texas rolled in, featuring an offense devoid of white ball carriers, the 'Horns won.

Hand the championship to the team that is playing the best at the end, and the Trojans arguably could have won six of the last seven national titles.

Why in the fuck would we ever want to do that? Logically, then, UGA won last year. Hey, they kicked the shit out of their bowl opponent! What a terrible plan.

In November, Mark Sanchez was being questioned as a quarterback and leader.

On Thursday, after accounting for all five touchdowns with four passes and a run, he stood on the famed band ladder and listened to fans literally beg him -- "One more year, one more year" -- to stay for his senior season.

"It's going to be hard to say goodbye to this place," he said later. "I don't think I can do it."

A month ago, Damian Williams was a promising receiver without a 100-yard game or a Mike Williams-type moment.

On Thursday, he had both, catching 162 yards worth of passes, including the trend-setting first touchdown when he simply ran away from this poor outmatched safety named Anthony Scirrotto.

Wait, what? Who gives a shit? This has nothing to do with your argument.

"Playing on this kind of national stage, this kind of win should say a lot," Damian Williams said.

A lot, yes. Not too much, though.

Playing in a fourth consecutive Rose Bowl against another Big Ten tomato can, I thought USC would be bored. Instead, the Trojans bored, directly into the psyche of the overmatched Nittany Lions, hitting them with Kyle Moore jabs and Kaluka Maiava crosses and more speed than you find on the Glendale Freeway at midnight.

He wins awards for this. No shit. I can't verbalize how much I hate that second sentence. Or textualize. But I'll try: Fucking Fuckity Fuck you fucking Glendale fucking freeway????

That didn't go well.

"You could see it right away, they were really caught off-guard, they don't see a lot of this in the Big Ten," said linebacker Brian Cushing. "Even in the first quarter, they started getting tired."

This is quite bad for your argument. They were tired in the first quarter?

Playing in a no-win situation in their first virtually meaningless game in a year,I though [sic] USC would be restless. Instead, the Trojans were relentless, scoring 24 points in less than a dozen minutes in that second quarter, sending Penn State running.

Not your fault, exactly. But you're still an asshole. And yes, they had a strong second quarter.

"I remember coming to the line and hearing one of their coaches shouting to the defensive backs, 'Back up! Back up!' " recalled receiver Ronald Johnson. "Those guys just bailed."

Were you playing a middle school team?

At the end of a season in which many suspected that USC has the ability to be the best team in the country, the Trojans finally acted like it.

Oh yes, I nearly forgot, the FUCKING POINT.

There was the USC team bouncing on to the field in an impromptu celebration -- with nearly two hours left in the game.

Well, why not? The best always act like that. That's the mark of a great team: Celebrating too early, forcing the opponent back into the game. It's called hospitable instinct.

There was a touchdown ball being grabbed and pumped and paraded down the sidelines -- by Carroll.

Act like you've been there before. You have, so this is weird.

This was so crazy at one point, all of USC's demons disappearing, all of their potential roaring, that Carroll claimed an unnamed football executive called the officials at halftime and ordered them to give his team a 15-yard penalty if they didn't halt the sideline celebrations.

"I was going to get the penalty called on us just so we could get a penalty called on us for having too much fun," Carroll said. "I forgot."

Well, that's kind of a neat story. Too bad it didn't happen. Too bad, also, that it, again, has nothing to do with your argument. Jesus, Bill, stay on task.

Will the journalist voters forget?

To vote? No.

They shouldn't.

They won't. I already said that. Stop answering your own questions. It's really obnoxious.

They didn't forget when USC won the Associated Press vote and split the national title after the 2003 season. They never forget when they have a chance to stick it to the BCS.

Voters now have less reason to hold the loss against Oregon State against USC, and no reason to hold their lack of fulfilled potential against them.

It wasn't a bad loss. At all. I don't want to say that I completely disagree here. I disagree, sure. But there's an argument. Perhaps a writer with a less-convoluted style will argue it for you.

Once again, the Trojans have waited until their final kick to show their best stride. Once again, it is more powerful than anything anybody has shown until now.

Wow, that is unequivocally incorrect. Did you watch Florida play anyone? Did you watch OU and Texas Tech? Did you?

You say, isn't it too late? I say, it never is?

Too late? For what? Why would I say that? Is the vote over? It never is? What? What never is? The vote? Beating a shitty team in a bowl? Whining? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Why do you ask so many goddamned questions? Your columns are like a fucking quiz.