Saturday, February 28, 2009

A Really Long Analogy: Tubby and Billy

Imagine, if you will, a man has a wife he has been married to for a number of years. Most years have been really solid, some of the best of his life. A few were disappointing, especially the last few. The man, being a cocky redneck that she dressed up and made respectable, begins to wonder if something else is out there. He needs excitement he felt in his youth when he was banging all kinds hot chicks at BFE High. Maybe if his wife tried harder, worked out a little, and just did more than trying to say the right things, it could work out. Sensing her husband’s frustration, growing discontent and observing him leering at a surprisingly attractive Arby’s assistant manager, she begins to look around herself. “Goddamn” she thinks, “I am the best wife, lover, and cook of any of his retard friends’ wives, and he wants to fuck around on me. I can do better than this dick hole anyway.” So, she begins talking and becomes smitten with the idea of moving far away, just to piss him off, with a man who outwardly seems much more boring and less successful. As good women do though, not those like “Kate” of the “John and Kate + 8” variety, she sees enormous potential in this loser. He’s just down on his luck, living in an old house, affectionately nicknamed “The Barn” and wears really ugly clothes, Gold and Maroon to be exact.

As the University of Kentucky winds up its second basketball season under the bizarre and assholeish tenure of Billy Gillespie, the comparisons to Tubby Smith have quieted dramatically. It’s only natural. Those making the comparisons were the ones who could not be satisfied with obtaining the overall number one seed a few short years. It is completely natural for these thoughts not to be verbalized. They go in the same category as 1) I know I should not have leased this BMW and in will irrevocably damage my credit, but it was fun to pretend at the dealership 2) That trip to “Healing Gardens” for an innocent massage did go too far. Why didn’t they provide condoms? I guess I cannot sue them, technically. Surely I am the only client she has ever had full fledged intercourse with 3) Oh God, I left the campfire burning. It was like a quarter mile to the creek and I was tired and the handle of the bucket really hurt my hand. Now three people are dead. These thoughts are relegated to a part of our brain that only opens after nine drinks when the right mix of people are around. Comparisons to old “Ten-loss Tubby” are gone, not because they were old-hat, but rather much too painful.

Now, Tubby has brought Minnesota back from the dead and Kentucky is hoping for a really lenient NCAA committee that remember who they used to be. Apparently, the man can still coach and recruit, and has an exceptional class coming to the tundra next year from reverse climates such as California and Florida. The years look warm and snuggly ahead. Kentucky, who last year was carried to mediocrity by Ramal Bradley and Joe Crawford, and this year by Patrick Patterson and Jodie Meeks, seems destined to slide even further into irrelevance. Coach Gillespie has made a short career of riding exceptional players to mild success. The very fact that A.C. Law beat Louisville in Rupp (Which also shows a ridiculously miniscule amount of imagination and drive to do a real search for a coach at a place like Kentucky. “Hey, this guy beat Louisville. That’s what we like to do. I hate flying in planes and talking to coaches. You’re hired. We’ll get you a contract in a few months. Try not to be a total redneck retard between now and then.) is essentially how the man got here.

What is most unfortunate is the angst that Kentucky fans must feel knowing what their future holds (to be certain, it is the same as University of Louisville football fans, but that was not of their own choosing). The old colloquialism, “One in the hand is worth two in the bush,” certainly applies. One only needs to look back at the firing of Gene Stallings as the head coach of the Alabama football team to see the likely future of Kentucky basketball. Stallings was a winner, a couple short years removed from the National Championship. Criticisms ranged from he was too old and lost his drive to he didn’t win by enough. From the outside, the criticisms were clearly insane. From the perspective of Pee-Wee football coaches in Dotham, the man clearly had to go. What followed were a succession of failures that included Mike DuBose (briefly and sadly nicknamed “DuBear” after his one win over Florida), Dennis Franchione (nicknamed “Coach Fran” which could be any grandmother filling in for a sick coach in a five year old soccer game, not the “bad-ass, don’t fuck with me image most want as their Alabama coach) and Mike Shula (I promise he was hired because of his merits). The final solution? Throw a billion dollars at someone you know is good. Is this the future at Kentucky? If it is, it’s of their choosing. It is certainly more exciting than a guy who makes the tournament every year, will be in the top 20 most of the time and will represent the university with class and dignity.

Our fictitious husband has married an exciting new girl. She likes to drink and party and seems to be more comfortable around his friends. But warning signs have begun to creep up. She holds weird grudges against kids. She begins to say bizarre things and is not very nice to his parents. There are clearly rough patches early in the marriage. “Wait until we have our own kids,” he thinks, “Then everything will get better. It has to. This was the right thing to do, right?” Meanwhile, through a friend, he hears that his now ex-wife is thriving and planning to go to the biggest party of the year. He is hoping his wife doesn’t screw up the invitation. He just can’t bring himself to voice that he may have made a mistake.

13 comments:

the maestro said...

i just realized, if u put "Tubby" and "Billy" together, you get "Bubbly". Coincidence? Huh? What were we talkin about?

the maestro said...

oh yea, now i remember..."Joni Mitchel never lies"!!!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to think that your Alabama football paragraph is playing out in Knoxville with Kiffin playing the role of DuBose.

Thom

Anonymous said...

Matt, as usual you are full of shit. BG may be having a shit storm at UK, but it's still better than the tubmiester. Your problem is time or lack of time with tubs. The fate mimi-sota is predictable, trust me, it will begin to fade slowly, but surely, into obscurity. Go ahead and laugh, go ahead and chide. But you'll soon know it's true.

Anonymous said...

Random Mave,

I just re-read this and really, really liked it. Unfortunately for you, you probably are going to have a few flaming bags of dog poo to stomp out as you have crossed the "new wife's" people, and they are a highminded folk who will respond with the utmost of class. I think a divorce is in order and we need to proceed directly to the Alabama plan of throwing an ungodly amount of scrilla at Jamie Dixon, Jay Wright or Mark Few.

Thom

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