I'm Gonna Do that Thing Gene Does

OK, so I was reading the Readers' Corner in the Sports section today, and I don't know who's screening these things, but I can't believe this is the one they picked. Here is the full letter. Hopefully, someone else read this and thought it was woefully stupid. Here goes (his are in bold):

Title: Current Wildcats are 'Team Tapioca'

The 2008-09 Wildcats have earned the moniker 'Team Tapioca' with their play.

Ohhhh, I'm intrigued.

They are soft, mushy and too sweet for their own good.

Too sweet, huh? I don't know what could possibly be viewed as 'sweet' when referencing this team. Even when succeeding, they scrap for everything they get.

Unflavorful, unappealing and too easy to prepare;

Two things: I just thought you said they were 'too sweet.' How the fuck are they all of a sudden 'unflavorful?' It's either sweet or bland, dickface.

Second, teams aren't 'easy to prepare.' You don't prepare teams. If a coach is preparing a team, then wouldn't it be good if they were easy to prepare? What you meant was they're easy to prepare for, but you don't prepare for pudding, do you, dipshit? So your analogy sucks.

...uncoordinated, awkward, and downright yellow in color;

Tell me one time in your life when you described pudding...no, fuck it, any food, uncoordinated.

And apparently we're 'yellow in color.' Had he said just yellow, I get it, we're scared. Instead, you fucked it up by saying yellow in color. Not one Asian. No idea where that came from.

...easily burnt when heated and frequently tasteless.

Burnt when heated I guess means when it gets tight we get burnt...fine. But again with the tasteless. He could've avoided all this ambiguity by just striking the 'sweet' line, but he stuck with it.

Because they are so simple, no adjustments are ever needed.

I lose him here. We don't adjust, or the other team doesn't need to. First off, people sure as shit adjusted when Meeks started to explode, and now teams may have to figure out Galloway. Plus, how do you adjust pudding?

And because there is little else like it, there is no substituting.

This guy means 'There is no substitute.' But, again, it wouldn't make sense in the basketball analogy. And, WE SUBSTITUTE ALL THE FUCKIN' TIME. Billy G takes constant heat for his odd sub patterns. And who is ever like, "Wow, tapioca pudding is one in a million. There is no substituting." That sounds retarded.

They get old quick (got it), are easily stirred (got it), and often give you a headache (lost me).

If tapioca pudding gives you a headache, then I ate a shitload of it the night of my bachelor party.

They miss the mark well over half the time.

When has pudding ever not satisfied your expectations? It's pudding. If you don't want it, don't spoon it onto your plate at the salad bar. And UK shoots 49% from the floor for the season. The stupid analogy works on neither level.

Always leaves you with regrets and cursing under your breath.

If pudding makes you cuss, you need counseling. Again, it's pudding. Don't eat it if you don't like it.

And when they are enjoyed, their consumption will cause many people to break something.

If they are 'enjoyed,' then people like what's happening.

You don't 'consume' basketball.

And, again, when has pudding ever made you break something?

They are 'Team Tapioca.'

Ahhh, the ol' Bozich move. Repeat your topic in the last line as if you've reinforced it.

Well, that's it. This dipshit thought we would forget his analogy throughout this ridiculous diatribe, but he needs to realize the readership of a metro newspaper isn't as deficient as his dumbass grandkids are.