If You Need a Confidence Boost, Play Notre Dame

So, cheer sheets. Absurd, yes? Duke does it, Notre Dame does it,other people probably do it, and it's sad. The fact that students must be given cues to cheer is pathetic. Duke was notoriously burned a few years back, but they continue the practice of scripting spontaneity. Notre Dame, apparently, does the same thing. And let me tell you, playing in South Bend must be hell.

I suspect cheer sheets began when confused students entered a basketball arena for the first time and asked for their syllabus. If you pay attention to the crowd at a Duke game, you'll notice that 98% of it is either Asian people, squares, or broke chicks. Eventually, the 2% that remains---which consists of kids from Jersey---decided to type up a guide so that this fours eyes stops bustin' my bawls abouts this, c'mon! I'm watchin' Greggie go dick-out here, ands alls yous askins is abouts our clap formation! It's clap-clap-fist up!

Unless the ND students' plan was to render USF players ineffective by taunting them with really long strings of facts from their media guide bio and niceties, this was the worst attempt at rattling an opposing team in history. Where did it go wrong?

Eladio Espinosa: "Frosh started 10 games but only averages 2 points. LAME."

First of all, and I guess this goes for all of them, are these to be chanted? What can be gleaned from this tidbit and used to "jeer?" 'Nice 10 starts as a freshman, loser. (fist pump, high five).'

Mike Mercer: "Blew out his ACL two years ago while playing for Georgia. Ask how that knee feels."

Mercer: Uh, fine, I guess. Thanks for...asking. What's this all about, anyway?

Chris Howard: "This junior has already been a father for five years! Sophomore year of high school."

That just seems inappropriate.

Gaby Belardo: "6-2, 180 pounds"

This could have just as easily been, "Division-I athlete." THE GUY'S FUCKING NAME IS 'GABY.' If you're planning to be curt with this one, pouncing on his size is not the way to go.

'He's only 180 LOL!'...'Ha, what's his name?'...'Don't worry about it. He's done!'

B.J. Daniels: "School of heckling lesson 1: kids named B.J. are the easiest targets ever. Also, he plays quarterback for the Bulls football team. Played in two games, rushed three times for two yards total."

'Your name means blow job...OK, now what?!' He was also a freshman QB on a pretty good team, and played in a couple of games. I'd assume he's proud of that. School of heckling lesson 2: don't compliment the people you intend to embarrass.

Justin Leemow: "Plays a pretty weak game. Shoots 23% from the field and 44% from the stripe. Yucka."

'We'll just call him yucka. He'll understand.'

Alex Rivas: "Transfer from Pratt Community College brings an intimidating 2 pts. and 4 boards to each game."

He plays fourteen minutes a game. He's a sub.

Ryan Kardok: "Now walk it out. Walk it out. East side walk it out, west side walk it out (sorry, he's a walk on)."

'Why you sorry, brah?! That shit's the tits!' So you're going to serenade this guy with a popular rap song? It would take at least 20 seconds of a bunch of white kids embarrassingly rapping before anyone understood what the song was referencing.

USF team huddle before the game: 'Why's Ryan crying?'...'Did you not hear the chant a minute ago?'...'No, what happened?'...'They sang 'Walk it Out.'...'So?'...'He's a walk-on.'...'Oh. Right.'

Dominique Jones: "Soph is team's best player. Give him as warm of a welcome as the other Dominique [sic...maybe] J. (hatred)"

I guess they hate Dominic James? Or someone else named Dominique. 'OK, boo the best player. You know, I think we're on to something!'

Mitch Emory: "My man mitch has only played one minute this year. Maybe if he had a sweet slogan like our governor he might be able to lobby for more minutes."

First, you're heckling a kid that plays a minute a game? Second, they have no fucking clue who Mitch Daniels is. This "jeer" would require you briefing the opposing team on local politics before the game.

ND students: 'OK, Indiana's governor is named Mitch Daniels. His slogan is 'My Man Mitch.'
USF team: 'OK. Why are you telling us this?'
ND students: 'Oh, you'll find out. (high five, high five, scream of 'yucka!')'

Jesus Verdejo: "Don't mock this kid's name or his father might smite you."

No Jesus Shuttleworth joke?

Augustus Gilchrist: "When he scores Augustus is known to thump his chest and say, "Strength and Honor."

Is he now? So, what are you guys going to do with that?

Aris Williams: "This kid shoots an embarrassing 31% from the free-throw line! 10-32! That's horrendous!"

That is horrendous. Again, how will this be fitted into a quip?

Ajayi Mobolaji: "This is Ajayi's third college. Hope he finally fits in here. 44% FT."

Thanks for the update.

What a bunch of fucking nerds.