Sunday, December 30, 2007

Well, We're Just Not Good at This

I don't really have much to say about the game yesterday, except that, even in late December, we are clueless. Ramon Harris does not get it. The game is way too fast for him and he makes very lazy passes. Jasper and Meeks are rusty, and Jasper looked even slower than usual. Coury looks and plays like a character from Nickelodeon's "Doug," and Perry Stevenson isn't strong or agressive enough to play at the Y. A.J. Stewart and Porter didn't play enough to piss me off yesterday, but given the chance, they would have. Crawford and Ramel: I really hate to say this as I've tried liking them for their entire careers, but if you could give me a group of worse seniors to have in a transition year, I would be astounded. Not as far as talent or effort, but they aren't really very good leaders. Saddens me, as it seemed that they had both really bought into Gillispie in the offseason and were ready to do big things. But as it has been for their entire careers, a lot of talk, not a lot of results. I honestly believe they tried; they just can't be leaders. Patrick Patterson is our only bright spot; can you imagine what would happen if he didn't get 20 and 10 every night?!

All that said, and that's not even everything, we still have potential THIS YEAR. I've seen bigger turnarounds from shittier teams. Perhaps a fully healthy Jasper and Meeks will help tremendously, especially since that may mean Harris will be off the floor. I apologize, but, that guy sucks. In reality, if my turnaround doesn't happen, we will still but someone surprisingly. I don't know who it is, but someone good is going down!

Friday, December 28, 2007

Little Sat Out the Rib-Eating Contest?!?!?

Last year, in the midst of all of the Music City Bowl hoopla, Rafael Little eight like forty pounds of ribs. This year, he didn't even participate (yet we still won). In what is really a microcosm of his season, Little sat out something that he could have personally affected. Luckily, FSU's best rib-eaters were academically ineligible.

Of course, most of the Little ribbing (that's good journalism) is in jest. However, I hope he really comes out Monday and blows up. I will admit that I'm pretty tired of hearing about his nagging injuries and watching him run like a bitch. Next week, he will have no excuse; and I will praise him endlessly if he plays the same way he did last year. I understand he's our best receiver out of the backfield by far, but we needed him a few games this year that he sat out.

I used to think that if Barry Melrose cut his mullett he would lose his job, however, I have found myself chuckling at some of the weird shit he says. I don't have any examples, but don't immediately change the channel when he comes on anymore. His hair is bad, though.

Maybe more tomorrow, maybe not. I'll be out of town for a while; deal with it!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Could that Duke-Pitt Game have been any Longer!?!?!?!

I don't know if you're like me, but I couldn't wait for that stupid basketball game to end. We almost missed the entire first quarter of the Poinsettia Bowl (which I picked correctly)! Navy's offense was a little more explosive than I expected, and Utah's defense was a little rough, but we pulled it out. OK, go FAU!

Back to the Duke-Pitt game, is Gerald Henderson Duke's best scorer? Down the stretch, he was really firing up some tough and bad shots. One in particular, you could hear the never-biased Jay Bilas groan, "Oh God!!!" as it went up. He (Henderson) should probably stick to elbowing people in the face intentionally. Oh, I forgot, he's not that kind of player.

Kentucky? has a big one tomorrow. Tennessee Tech rolls in boasting a shitty record (gues who's too lazy to look it up). Let's get back to our winning ways! What do you guys say!? Seriously, if we lose to Tenn. Tech, I'm not sure what will happen to some fans. I imagine there are several at the bottom of the Kentucky River already, and it's not even January. We are dangerously close to being full strength, so marked improvement will be made in the next few weeks. I guess "marked improvement" basicall means we won't get humiliated by bad teams anymore; just beaten soundly.

Thursday, December 20, 2007


Brace yourselves everyone, I have breaking news. It has recently come to my attention that no one gives a shit about Bill Parcells or what job he takes. In the span of about thirty minutes yesterday, the headline of changed from Parcells taking the Falcons VP of Footballnobodycares, to him not taking it. Thus, ESPN is breaking false news, just so they can make more news with the retraction. In the end, they were finally able to report that he took the Dolphins job instead.

They way they presented it was priceless. Of course it was "sources close to the situation" had said that he was taking the job. Then they were all, "not so fast..." No shit assholes, you fucked it up! I love the way they were acting like they were these tremendous sleuths who were able to get to the bottom of some amateurish report. Basically, it would be the same as me being like, "OMG, a source close to UK is telling me that Scotty Hopson will sign!" And then, moments later, me being like, "hold your horses, Cat fans. The deal has yet to closed...." In the end, they reported the wrong news, and then followed it up with a "Breaking News" alert, which basically said nothing has happened. The "Breaking News" was literally, "nothing has changed."

Why is this news to begin with? First of all, I ask everyone to name as many VP of football operations, or whatever the hell is title is, in the NFL. I'm not saying that it's a meaningless job, although it could be, but no one knows.

Also, what's the deal with Berman and the greatest highlight ever? Another subjective competition to muddle up Sportscenter. I don't even know when the highlights are on anymore. Also, ESPN wants "you the fan" to choose the TOP 100(!!!) highlights of all time. So, you know, set aside three or four hours so that you can rank those.

Furthermore, I saw the "Budweiser Hot Seat" with Skip Bayless and Mike Golic today. In an epic battle of two men who should be unemployed, Bayless and Golic spouted off about who was better between the Packers and the Cowboys. As you can imagine, I was on the edge of my seat. It was akin to watching The View.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Packing Bowls: Part 2

The better half of bowls....

Chick-Fil-A Bowl-Auburn v. Clemson
There's going to be a lot of orange on the field in Atlanta, as well as some bad quarterbacking. I can't imagine Clemson being any better than "crap," so I'll go with the Runnin' Tubervilles. Pick: Auburn

Music City Bowl-Kentucky v. Florida State
Since this will be a game pitting my favorite team against 35 or 40 second-stringers, it seems pretty easy. And it will be. Pick: Cay-uts

Humanitarian Bowl-Georgia Tech v. Fresno State
This will be a close game; unfortunately, no one cares about it. The blue turf bit is old as well. Pick: Georgia Tech

Sun Bowl-Oregon v. South Florida
Once thought of as two national championship teams, both Oregon and South Florida sputtered at the end of the season. Oregon because their star QB got hurt, South Florida because they sucked. I don't know if Dixon will be back, but it doesn't matter. Pick: Oregon

Armed Forces Bowl-California v. Air Force
I thought this was always a high school game, but whatever. I'm assuming Desean Jackson will do some things against Air Force. Who knows, maybe he won't. But he will. Pick: Cal

Capital One Bowl-Michigan v. Florida
I love Tim Tebow. I'm not sure if I've made that clear. I think he'll go absolutely wild against Michigan. Plus, they don't have a coach. Pick: Florida

Gator Bowl-Virginia v. Texas Tech
Texas Tech will probably score like 200 points; UVA won't be able to keep up. Question: how the hell did these two teams get to a New Year's Day bowl? Pick: Texas Tech

Cotton Bowl-Arkansas v. Missouri
This is a tough one in my mind. On the one hand, there is a team that is BCS-worthy and boast a Heisman contender. On the other hand, there is a team with an awful QB and no coach. I guess it's not that tough. McFadden and Jones can only do so much; they'll get blasted. Pick: Missouri

Outback Bowl-Wisconsin v. Tennessee
Tyler Donovan and Erik Ainge will be mired in the battle of two guys that get way too much press, while Arian Foster lights up Wisconsin's shitty D. This one will be hard to watch, as all games involving Big Ten teams are. Pick: Tennessee

International Bowl-Rutgers v. Ball State
You know you're watching a a horrible bowl when you can hear all the scrubs on the sideline yell "PAAAAASSSS" when the opposing QB fades back. An alarm goes off in your head, and you're like, 'what the hell am I doing?" This is one of those games. Pick: Rutgers

GMAC Bowl-Bowling Green v. Tulsa

Sugar Bowl-Hawaii v. Georgia
I truly don't think Colt Brennan and Hawaii will keep this one close. Georgia will shut their offense down fairly well, and the UGA offense will move the ball easily (despite having Matt Stafford). Pick: Georgia

Rose Bowl-USC v. Illinois
I don't think this game will be close either. Juice Williams and their running back with a long last name are very good, but probably not strong enough on D to stop all of USC's weapons. Pick: USC

Fiesta Bowl-Oklahoma v. West Virginia
In my opinion, Oklahoma is the best team in the country. Sam Bradford is for real, and Pat White is not. The love affair surrounding White was very, very annoying. He can't pass at all. Pick: Oklahoma

Orange Bowl-Kansas v. Virginia Tech
Really? Virginia Tech is bad, but Kansas is worse. This should be Missouri, not Kansas. Pick: Virginia Tech

BCS Title-LSU v. Ohio State
For the second straight year, Ohio State is in the title game. For the second straight year, they will get pasted by an SEC team. LSU has shown flashes of being extremely vulnerable, but a healthy Early Doucet will make all the difference. However, they'll have to overcome NFL prospect Todd Boeckman. Read that without laughing. Pick: LSU

That's it! It's over! Bowls start tomorrow, so that will be a good thing to get my mind off of our basketball team.


Part 2 is coming; I have to go do something. I have a life, ya know! Anyway, for your enjoyment, watch as the UK fanbase melts down on CatsPause. For your further enjoyment, read my angry and slightly disgusting exchange with a certain loser poster who dreams of naked Joe Crawford "dunks."

OK, look. I can't figure out links. Just copy and paste until I do. I'm getting sick of all your shit! Although, to be fair, no one gives me shit. I just imagine you guys all make fun of me though... I may seem stable, but I am fragile, like an egg. Anyway, enjoy!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Packing Bowls: Part 1

I know that title doesn't make sense, but what would you use, smart ass? OK, we'll move chronologically from earliest to latest, then the BCS games. Sixteen today, sixteen tomorrow. If you follow my lead, Vegas will be out of business!!!

Poinsettia Bowl-Utah v. Navy
Utah looked explosive against UL, but, then again, who didn't? Either way, what's Navy going to do, run the option? Seriously Navy, you are the most disciplined team in a bowl, lose the middle-school offense. Germantown Catholic has you figured out. Pick: Utah

New Orleans Bowl-Florida Atlantic v. Memphis
The crash-course has ended; the New Orleans Bowl title will finally go to, um, wherever Florida Atlantic is located. Pick: FAU

Las Vegas Bowl-UCLA v. BYU
Ah yes, the battle of the acronyms. There's one in every bowl season. Are there any more Detmer's? Those kids were annoying. OK, L.A. kids vs. Mormans... Pick: UCLA

New Mexico Bowl-New Mexico (surprise, surprise) v. Nevada
Wow. This is a bad one. When I first got a PlayStation, GameBreaker was my game of choice. In my first season in "Dynasty Mode," my team was Nevada. There is no other way to choose between these guys. Pick: Nevada Bowl-Cincinnati v. Southern Miss
If UofL didn't have such a shitty stadium, maybe they'd play this game in Louisville. Better yet, they should play it at Jeff High. Anyway, I see a big game from all those guys on Cincy who turned out to be not very good. Pick: Da 'natti

Hawaii Bowl-Boise St. v. East Carolina
If you've ever seen an East Carolina game, you would know that they have an awesome painting of a pirate at midfield. You would also see that they have an awful, awful football team. Pick: Boise St.

Motor City Bowl-Central Michigan v. Purdue
Oh my, what a bad game. Pick: Central Michigan

Holiday Bowl-Arizona State v. Texas
Jammal Charles will likely run wild on the ASU defense, who searches in vain for some of the famed "Holiday Bowl magic." They can't find it, but they did manage to roofey the "Sun Devil magic" and bed some pretty fine co-eds. Pick: Texas

Emerald Bowl-Maryland v. Oregon St.
Ralph Friedgen, the fattest man alive, is an offensive mastermind. He's going to have to pull out all the stops, because his team blows. Pick: Maryland (upset!)

Champs Sports Bowl-Boston College v. Michigan State
Nary a month ago we were discussing the prospect of Boston College going to the National Championship. Thank God that didn't happen. I didn't even know Michigan State was bowl eligible. Pick: Boston College

Texas Bowl-TCU v. Houston
I didn't know there was a Texas Bowl, but by God it's living up to its name. Since the game is in Houston, there's no other way to go. Pick: Houston

Alamo Bowl-Texas A & M v. Penn State
Remember when Joe Paterno almost pissed himself on the sidelines? Or when he broke his leg? What about the story about him snapping at a female driver? These things aren't talked about nearly enough. Pick: Texas A & M

Liberty Bowl-UCF v. Mississippi State
Once famous for an embarassing UL rap song, the Liberty Bowl has quickly turned into the "oh God, anything but this game" for lower-tier SEC teams. Judging by the beatdown administered by the Bulldogs against UK, I assume they will bottle up the nation's top rusher. Pick: MSU

Meineke Car Care Bowl-Wake Forest v. UConn
Using last year's match-up of UL v. Wake Forest as evidence, apparently the Orange Bowl is a curse for your team. Judging by this year's match-up of Va. Tech and Kansas, it may actually be true. Either way, UConn sucks. Pick: Wake

Independence Bowl-Colorado v. Alabama
John Parker Wilson, older brother to that kid on "Two-a-Days," isn't all that horrible. He's horrible; but not horrible enough to lose to Colorado. They're horrible. Horrible. Pick: Alabama

Insight Bowl-Oklahoma State v. Indiana
Since I live up here, all I hear about is, well, Eric Gordon. No one cares about football. It was a nice story for IU, but if you watch this game, you will understand why people think the Big 10 sucks. IU's bad. Very bad. Pick: Oklahoma State

That's the end of part I. Part II should be much better, as I'll be able to make fun of more people because I won't be dealing with teams that suck.

A final word about Kentucky? basketball. Remember the ugly wins we used to get with Tubby, where we'd beat team like 59-50? I would do anything for that to happen tonight.

Want to feel angry about not being a professional athlete? Check this out:

And I thought that I couldn't hate Scott Podsednik more...

Monday, December 17, 2007

To Be Fair...

Warning: You will get the sick feeling!!!!

This has to be fake, but after reading CatsPause, you never can tell... Still, it makes me uncomfortable.

Meeks is back and I learned how to imbed YouTube videos!!! What a day!!!


"We take it hard to the hoop,
We drive to the hoop,
We live for the hoop,
We die for the hoop."

"UofL #1, now that's the final score..." Someone should explain to Code Red how basketball games are scored. There is too much fodder in this video; my brain is overflowing. Just do it yourselves...

No one should ever ask me again why I hate Louisville.

Rory's Back!!!...Oh, Well, He's Gone Again

If there is any athlete in the world the best epitomizes the term "cheese dick," I haven't found him. Rory Sabbatini is the biggest chump alive. I'm sure all of you know (from reading my glorious blog) of Rory's spat with Tiger last year. Well, it wasn't much of a spat. Rory just ran his mouth and Tiger blasted him the two times they met in a final round. But Rory's latest exploit, occurring this past Sunday, tops any of his previous poundings administered by Tiger. He withdrew from Tiger's tournament before the last round, while in last place, 28 shots off Tiger's lead. However, he is still able to collect his absurd prize money check. Citing shin splints, Sabbatini withdrew around 8AM before his round Sunday, but he left the site late Saturday night for Hawaii. What a bitch. There is no way Sabbatini would have withdrawn if not for the little rivalry he tried to create; unfortunately, Rory is not good enough to have a rivalry with Tiger. Classic case of "little man's syndrome." Seriously, he's like 5'8".

Warning: Story about me! I had a dream last night that I played football for NC State (what???) and I was trying to recover a fumble, and when I woke up I was trying to recover my dog. I'm serious. He is still pretty freaked out.

OK, tomorrow will be part one in a two-part series outlining every bowl game and the weight that I gave them in my Pick 'Em thingie. I have a lot of spare time, so I'm going to make this blog awesome!!! Plus, by viewing my picks, we can all see how smart I am. I'm serious; I won the Pick 'Em League I was in by like 200 points. Granted, it came down to the wife of a friend of mine and myself, but she didn't stand a chance.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

OK, Here Goes

It's time to accept the fact that we are not going to be very good this year. Many people have already succumbed to this un-awesome theory, but I still thought we could do some good things--especially after the first half of the UAB game. The fact is, we were playing pretty damn well; in fact, this is the best we have played all year. Remember, it took Robert Vaden going off in order to beat us. I'm not giving up, I'll hold out for Jasper and Meeks; plus, it's only natural to have some growing pains after a coaching change. I, and many others, had unrealistic expectations for this team. In a few years, we will be very good. I'm not worried about our future.

There were some very positive aspects of today's game: Crawford, Bradley, and Porter looked good shooting; Patterson is awesome; and Ramon Harris completed a few passes. Really, has he played basketball against non-Eskimos before? Anyway, I liked the way we shot the ball. As I may or may not have already said (I say pretty random shit on a daily basis), Porter is definately good when not handling the ball and running the offense. He can shoot when he's open, and he makes fairly good entry passes. As far as his defense on Vaden, I think Billy Clyde was employing the rarely used "white boy D" made famous by Steve Wojodouchebag. Allow me to explain: whenever a good player is guarded by a short, slow white dude, they frequently force bad shots. The superior player always thinks, "oh man, what a mismatch. I have to shoot no matter what." Inevitably, they hoist up some shit. T-Will does it all the time as, in his mind, any defender on him is overmatched. Vaden did it a few times in the first half; apparently he settled down in the second half.

Ramon Harris. What do people see in him? Be honest, when he has the ball are you looking at their guards to see what kind of fast break they're going to have? I am. He literally lobs the ball across the floor. Not that Joe doesn't do that too; but at least he can score. I'm embarassed to admit that I believed the hype about him (Harris) this fall. I really hope he can turn it around.

The fact that our offense consists of anything more than a Patterson shot or uncontested three is beyond me. Pat should be taking twenty shots a game. Force him the damn ball, who cares. It has to be better than those back-cuts we run.

On a slighlty different note, I want to say, on the record, that I firmly believe that we will be in the tournament. The SEC sucks, and we will surely have some help with Jasper, and maybe Meeks. From our next win (whenever that may be) on, we will be a better team each time out. We are going to be very good soon. Very soon. I am already sick over the shit that I read on the message boards with the fans. Those rednecks can all blow me. We have shitty fans who are too stupid to understand change. They are STILL blaming Tubby. No one is to blame (between Tubby and Gillispie). I believed (and still do) that in order for us to get better we needed a change. However, it took these losses for me to come to grips with the fact that these sorts of changes take time. Good God, I feel like I'm breaking up with UK fans.

I'm just as frustrated as the next guy, believe me. I just want to say that I know we will be back. We just have to wait.

No Mike Davis meltdown?!?!?!?!

Friday, December 14, 2007

College Football Will Never be the Same

The Mitchell Report is not the most tragic announcement occuring in sports over the last 24 hours. Instead, it is the announcements coming from OSU QB Todd Boeckmann (I hope I spelled that wrong) and UL WR Mario Urrutia. These two largely meaningless athletes have entered their names into the NFL Draft.

In Urrutia's case, I don't think he caught a single pass this season. He had one of the best QB's in the nation and he was the third or fourth best receiver on his team. Although certainly NFL-sized, "Super" Mario is nothing short of a failure. I guess that may be harsh, but he is a big-time underachiever.

I didn't see Todd Boeckmann play, so my analysis of him is completely unfair. However, judging from past OSU QB's, he blows donkey balls. I don't care what anyone says, but the Big 10 is shit, so his inflated numbers are skewed (I don't even know if he has good numbers). Remember Troy Smith? Yeah, he sucked too.

Anthony Allen's transfer is going to be a huge deal if he comes out and says that he wants to go to Arkansas. UL is showing their true colors by blocking him, which is bullshit. I understand their anger towards Petrino, but Allen is the one getting punished. You don't play Arkansas, let him go with Petrino if he wants to. Hell, 50% of your fanbase would probably go too.

I cannot believe Randy Velarde juiced. Is anyone else astounded at some of those names? I mean, if Velarde batted .260 people would be like, "something's up with him." Jerry Hairston Jr.? The fact that guys who made it to the majors because of their gloves decided to use some sort of performance-enhancing drugs is alarming. I suppose, especially in these guys cases, as well as Clemens and Pettitte, that the drugs are more for expedited healing and career-lengthening. I don't see why every player isn't tested monthly. Get 'roids out of baseball; stop pretending you care so much and you're such a badass, Selig. You let these d-bags walk all over you and juice right in your face. Fuck the Players Union and test these fools.

I'm sure there are millions of reasons why the Players Union is allowed to block mandatory testing. I'm sure, also, that those reasons are shitty.

Here's to hoping Mike Davis loses his mind again...

More tomorrow...

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Baseball has been Cancelled

80 Players?!?!?! That's like, three teams. We can only pray for Ryan Freel to be on that list, but he's probably too insignificant for anyone to care. It's only natural that Freel would take a "gritty" substance. Also, the Astros got screwed trading for Tejada. He's on steroids. He gained like 70 pounds in one offseason. I'll have continuing coverage of the Mitchell Report (which is akin to the Mort Report), which begins at 2. That's a lie; I might watch, but probably not. I hate watching press conferences; you can never hear the question.

They just said that Clemens is going to be named in the report. That explains his chucking a jagged bat at Piazza.

Thank God T.O and Keyshawn are mired in a feud based on, well, stupid opinions. I don't mind Keyshawn too much as he's a TV journalist now and paid to say stupid shit, but what's with T.O.? He's a nut; remember the suicide attempt? What was that about? The real story here occured when Keyshawn was talking to the other black people on Countdown and he said that he "played for Coach Parcells" and TJ quickly blurted "torture," assuming that's what he was driving at. He wasn't, though. Thus, I imagine the make-up room will be rather awkward this week.

OK, I'm having trouble thinking of other stuff. Read Mosley's piece on KSR. It's hilarious.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The NCAA Reads the Blog!!!

I hope the rumors are true about Sampson leaving; if you haven't heard, I don't like him. I could not be more excited about the chance of IU getting a postseason ban and Kelvin resigning. It's getting pretty annoying up here. Plus, Illinois can laugh in the face of Eric Gordon...and not just at his ears.

If you haven't seen the awkwardness that is the Bobby Petrino "pig sooey" cheer, get your ass to ITV and find the link. It is 'Saved by the Bell' Zach-and-Jesse-BFF-hug awkward. The best part, surprisingly, is not the cheer itself. In fact, it is Petrino's smug ass greeting the cheerleaders. He is such a dick; is there anyone he could care less about than Arkansas' cheerleaders? I guess the UL and Falcon fan base, but whatever. Oh, and his daughter is alarmingly hot. I can't believe he spawned pig-face and this chick with the same woman. Given his history, though, chances are he didn't.

UL fans are really crying foul about this, and I'm not sure why. They pretend like they own Petrino b/c he made them good for a few years; they are so jealous that he left the Falcons for Arkansas. However, is Jurich kicking himself for not firing Krag? Could Petrino have come back to da Ville? Tough to say, but not really. I don't think there is any way that he would've returned; I know it hurts, but Arkansas is a better job. More money, more resources, all that shit. If Miles leaves for Michigan, though, watch as Bobby takes over LSU. Seriously.

OK, Legion is gone. That is horrible, horrible news. Everyone is trying not to care because Jasper is back and "we don't need him." The problem is, we need him. He would provide points off the bench and some much needed depth that is not in the form of Michael Porter. No offense to Porter, he just sucks. He will be a star somewhere (Legion, not Porter), unless his mom continues acting like a psycho. In which case he'll end up at a JuCo.

I know this is a bit late, but I am very glad Tebow won the Heisman. I am more glad, though, that he, as a public figure, left religion and God out of his acceptance speech. Except he didn't. Did he write anything before-hand except GOD in giant letters on an index card? That was rough.

Tamme not an All-American?!?!?!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Howie Schwab has Spoken!!

I don't know what channel this was on, or if it was on TV at all, but I saw Howie Schwab on last night and he had some interesting things to say. Not really that interesting, actually, but he thought both Kentucky? and UL would get better. The real news here is that Howie Schwab is absolutely awful; and I have a suspicion that he smells.

As far as what he actually said, I think he is right. Once Jasper and Meeks return, we will be a much better team. I think my comments about Jasper may have been misrepresented, as I know we will be waaaaaaaaaay better when he's back. I guess it took the IU game for me to realize how bad of a point guard Porter truly is. However, I don't think it's fair how much shit he takes. He will be a great spot-up shooter for us in the future. He's out of position, and I think he can actually play. We need Meeks and Jasper bad, though. With only Jasper, we will be a much better team. We will definately be in the NCAA tourney. The SEC is awful.

OK, I know I've made fun of Trevor Matich before, but good God. I cannot believe that he is on TV. The shit he says is absurd, and he's always slapping Joe Schad. It's really creepy. First of all, Matich looks exactly like Giuliani's kid from the SNL skit. Second, I don't think he should ever be in public. His appearance really bothers me; he seems like a guy who would eat poop for money. I don't see what ESPN's criteria is when hiring new employees. Here's what the interview questions must be: Can you speak? Have you ever seen a sport being played? If someone were talking to you, could you answer while staying slightly on topic? If on the Budweiser Hot Seat with Skip Bayless, can you make sure that he looks stupid by the end (easier than it sounds)?

Seriously, these guys suck. Why can't Eric Wynalda do everything? He should be on every show, including College GameDay. He'd be a perfect sidekick for Herbstreit when they go out shagging co-eds.

Friday, December 7, 2007


IU preview: Pat-Pat outplays slow-J White; Gordon can't play to his potential due to his injury; while both Crawford's press, Joe is more experienced in pressing than his younger brother and scores 14 to Jordan's 7. Cats win, 76-71.

OK, let's hope that happens.

More importantly, the UL-Dayton preview: No one cares.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

A Desperate Plea

Dear Alex,
Come back. Please, come back. For some reason, much of my UK brethren is more concerned about our slow point guard returning. Not me. I want you. Only you. So, come back and play for my favorite team.

Thank you.

I emailed that to Alex Legion and cc-ed his mom. That sounds dirty; but kinda hot. Oh, and that's not true. Anyway, is anyone else concerned that we are basing our season's successes on the return of Derrick Jasper? Does anyone remember last year? I believe that he is a nice player who may have improved, but how much could he improve? He is coming off surgery, so he will be much slower than he was last year. Also, remember the shooting and ball-handling? We are reaching here; he can't be THAT much better. I hope he is, but let's be realistic. We need Meeks back FAST. And, unfortunately, that looks unlikely.

As for emails I really did send, here is what I sent the ACC (after calling a number on their website, and someone answered. I feel like I could've just asked for the commissioner):

To whom it may concern:

During the UNC/Kentucky game this Saturday, North Carolina forward Alex Stepheson clearly and intentionally elbows Kentucky guard Ramel Bradley in the mouth, bloodying his lip. The swift and violent act occurs with :44 seconds remaining in the game during a dead-ball situation. I am not asking for any specific punishment for Mr. Stepheson, but simply a reply to know that it has been viewed and considered.

Thank you.

Surprisingly, I have gotten no response.

Apparently, John Clay, who sucks MAJOR donkey balls, reads the blog. Way to get the scoop, four eyes! Hey, at least he stayed on one topic for an entire column...

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The Return of Legion?

Since I wasn't one of the people who bashed Legion and said we didn't need/want him, I can say without conviction that I would be delighted to get him back. No questions asked; just take him back and play him. He's really good; let's not lose him.

June Jones is a clown. I don't want to go into much detail about what he said, as I realize he has to stick up for Brennan, but try not to bring Tebow into it. Timmy has shown that he can do anything that is needed of him; he can make every throw and he runs through linebackers. Leave him alone.

In honor of the impending UK/IU game, allow me to share with you my thoghts on Kelvin Sampson. He's a fucking dirty cheating whore-face. Clear enough? Living where I do, it's understandable to get a lot of news on Sampson and his star recruit, Eric Gordon. Except, that wasn't his recruit at all. In fact, it was Bruce Weber's. I understand verbals, and the fact that they are not binding. With Sampson's track record, however, I can't believe that some shady shit didn't go down in order to sign Gordon.

Being reprimanded twice for the same violation shows that it was not simple oversight; Sampson was cheating and he knew it. In May of 2006, he was banned from recruiting for one year after he and his staff made 577 phone calls too many. Clearly, they cared nothing for the rules. Ironically, it was during that next year that Sampson landed the already taken Gordon...soehow, without calling or meeting off-campus with him. Then, in October of this year, Sampson was again caught making illegal phone calls and participating in not awesome three-ways. Unfortunately, for Rob Senderoff, someone else had to take the fall. Thus, "lead recruiter" Senderoff resigned.

It's not that I believe that IU runs a dirty program; I think Kelvin Sampson does. In fact, I know he does. I refuse to believe that Eric Gordon had a simple change of heart, as do most of the folks in Champaign. I'm not writing this so that I have an excuse for the bludgeoning that may occur at the hands of Gordon and his teammates; I just am tired of the frequent praise rained-down upon Sampson for his success at IU. I certainly don't dislike Gordon or Jordan Crawford; they are both terrific basketball players (especially Gordon). I'm also (trying) not implying that they have been paid or received illegal gifts. I am, however, saying that what Sampson does and has done is not fair, and he should be more harshly punished. Obviously banning him from making calls or off-campus recruiting trips has no effect on him. He acts as if the NCAA violations and rules do not apply to him.

I suppose my point is that Sampson is a cheater and no one cares. I understand that his violations are minor, and he's not getting caught paying players. But if the NCAA had any balls, they would stop letting him walk all over them and do whatever he wants. What's the point of having rules that someone can break, and then, while punished, break again? Smells. Smells bad. Sampson's a fucking rat.

Oh, and don't call me a hypocrite and bring the Legion recruiting situation to light. He was let out of his LOI after Amaker was canned and then Gillispie got him.

Finally, I saw D.J. White at McCallister's yesterday and launched into the diatribe written above. He disagreed. Some of that is untrue. You decide, America!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007


Sorry for no post today. Here's the abridged version: Legion's mom is nuts; Adam Neft is a douche; Colt Brennan isn't a system QB, yet Tebow is (according to June Jones). Anyway, I'm sure you can infer every joke that I would make anyway. More tomorrow.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Jeff Brohm Cured Cancer!!!

The Cards have made some changes on their staff (will that word ever not be funny to me?), and thank the good Lord, they promoted Jeff Brohm to OC. This, while a move they had to make, doesn't seem like a cure-all for this team. What has Jeff Brohm done to prove that he is this magnificent offensive mastermind? They may be successful next year on offense, but I see no way they are better than they were this year. They still lose B. Brohm and Douglas. And no, I didn't forget about Hunter Cantwell. I'm not sold on him at all. I contend that he sucks; walk-ons usually do.

With the departure of Cassity, though, the Cards have another hole to fill at DC. The rage on ITV suggests that they should go "big name," as being the DC at a high-pressure job at a mediocre program on the decline is usually a terrific selling point. I vote for Bob Redman; hell, Manual hasn't figured out the cover zero and they're a magnet school!!!

Interesting tidbit: during most of this season, UL fans were bitching about the schedules of many SEC and Big Ten schools as they play eight home games. UL, however, has eight already scheduled home games for next year with the likelihood of adding a ninth. Nine home games. Equally distributed throughout the week. Also, quit bitching about teams not playing you. YOU ARE NOT ELITE. Good teams don't want a home and home with you b/c they don't want anyone to see them playing in your shitty stadium. It's like being seen at Trixies on a Tuesday afternoon. If you want to gain some more credence, go play at Cal or Oklahoma State or something. UGA agreed to the home and home though, so I still don't see what the bitching is about. Oh, and they will massacre you.

The BCS is in complete destruction mode. I really don't feel like breaking it all down, but something needs to happen. Missouri is out, even though they beat Kansas. Their only losses were to Oklahoma. Thus, since KU didn't play OU, neither KU or Mizzou should be in. They both suck. KU's best win was over mighty Kansas State. Mizzou's was, well, Kansas, or at Illinois. They also throttled Texas Tech; I think they deserved it over the Jayhawks, if at all.

Unfortunately, the MCB is no longer a BCS bowl. We do, however, get to play a washed-up big name program. All the talk about this season being disappointing is really frustrating. First of all, we need to stop comparing ourselves to UL (which I do on a daily basis on this blog). We get too caught up in what they've done and fail to realize what we accomplished this year. For comparison's sake, two things happened this year at Commonwealth that will never happen at Sloppa John's: we beat a #1 team and College GameDay came. We also had a thriller with UT and UL, as well as a great game against future Heisman winner Tim Tebow. What do you want? Are you not entertained? It's impossible to turn into a football powerhouse in one year. We are moving in the right direction. Be glad. Sure, I was unhappy with some of our losses; I believe that we got a little amped after the LSU game and expected some things that this team was unable to achieve. Oh well. Recruiting has really jumped and we look like a team that can be consistently good; stop expecting SEC Championships. Two straight bowls; that's pretty damn good.

OK, basketball. Alex Stepheson is a fucking asshole. I posted on TCP about this, but no one seems to care because of my complete lack of posts. Anyway, he absolutely elbowed Smooth in the mouth on purpose. Had Realease the Squirms posted this, it would have already circulated the interwebs and Roy Williams would be getting bombarded with emails. Anyway, it happened during a dead-ball situation with :44 seconds remaining in the game. I will be emailing the ACC commish. Take it to the streets!!!

One last thing, I love the C-J praising UL's defense after that absolute shitshow with JCrew U. If you saw the end of the game, you would know why I hate T-Will so much. He made two classic T-Will plays: one was when he got fouled and ran the ball to the opposite end of the floor and placed it under the basket, like a douche. The other was when he sealed the game with a steal, on a halfcourt pass, and slammed the ball to the ground. If that game was played at St. Polycarp he would've gotten T'd up.