Monday, March 30, 2009

'The Cutman' Has Got to be the Biggest Loser In the Universe

Remember when world-renowned investigative journalist Alan Cutler--of 1530 The Homer (it's the NYT of radio networks)--awkwardly chased the recently fired UK coach down a hallway? You do, it was everywhere. Now The Cutman, as he is affectionately called by his fat loser friends on his softball team, wants to set the record straight:
As far as the video, that has been linked all over, about me chasing Billy G., I was just doing my job as an aggressive reporter. I was trying to get a comment about getting fired. That's what reporters do.

I'm getting ripped all over for doing that.

What I find interesting is how most of us have watched TV newscasts. When a mic is stuck in a parents face after some terrible accident, there is no outcry of hate to that reporter for talking to that parent like what I'm now experiencing.

Stare at your computer monitor for the next 50 seconds, please. Soak up the tiny processed code, and allow the stupidest fucking thing you've ever read marinate within your brain. Have you punched a child yet?

Let's recap.

As far as the video, that has been linked all over, about me chasing Billy G., I was just doing my job as an aggressive reporter. I was trying to get a comment about getting fired. That's what reporters do.

I'm getting ripped all over for doing that.

Yes, reporters do try and get comments from subjects. He's absolutely right about that. Unfortunately, apparently, there is a thin line between what he refers to as an "aggressive reporter" and a "total jackass." He, like every local radio personality ever, fits the mold of the latter.

What I find interesting is how most of us have watched TV newscasts. When a mic is stuck in a parents face after some terrible accident, there is no outcry of hate to that reporter for talking to that parent like what I'm now experiencing.

I know I say this a lot, but this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It really is. First of all, a coaching change and a parent enduring a "terrible accident" are not at all parallel. I think we can all agree on that.

And while what you say in your misguided, made-up scenario is true, that meddling reporter doesn't usually chase the parent into their office. I guess only the great ones do that.

Stop pretending that you are this hard-hitting, quote-at-all-costs reporter and admit what you really are: a complete douche. Is there anything more annoying then someone, especially someone in the media, whining about negative attention? Think of all the shitty things you've no doubt said about people on your show (I've never heard it. Maybe he's referred to as the only benevolent sports radio host in the business.). And don't feed us this "I was just doing my job" horse shit. The only person who's job it is to be a complete ass-face all the time is Kenny Powers. And he need not an assistant (it's true, Stevie). You did this because you wanted all this attention; so stop whining like a bitch now that you've gotten it.

You're on Deadspin; God knows that's all I've ever wanted.

And if you needed more of a reason to dislike this Bernstein:


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Gillispie's Real Problem

Gillispie has lots of problems, and, to be fair, the "real problem" I'm prepared to lay before you problem isn't his real problem. I just couldn't think of a title.

Lots has been said about what has gone down in Lexington, and most of it is muddying the face of Gillispie. I don't know what happened with chicks in hot tubs or that night at Malone's or when he got pissy with Tom Leach or anything like that. It is becoming clearer, though, that his relationship with his players was suspect. And by "suspect" I mean: I'm pretty sure our best players and their families fucking hated him. I suspect those relationships played a major role in his termination. Plus, he's a stupid grit. That too.

At A&M, Gillispie had, by all accounts, a terrific rappport with his players. Acie Law would lay in traffic for the guy, and after his first season in Lexington, Gillispie appeared to have developed a similar relationship with Crawford and Bradley. Part of that, I believe, was because Gillispie's offense last year consisted of Bradley and Crawford hoisting as many threes as they could, but still, there were few issues in the locker room. The other part of that relationship building was that Gillispie was all Crawford and Bradley had. They couldn't leave, and they wanted to make it to the league.

There is something to be said, then, about Gillispie's ability to develop players. These guys listened to him and did things his way, and they succeeded.

The unraveling of Gillispie came, paradoxically, when he was able to bring in highly-rated recruits. His coaching tactics of toughness and hard-nosedness may have worked with marginal players at A&M and UTEP, but when you bring players in who have been told their entire life that they'll be in the league, they're not ready to deal with all of your bullshit. The successful coaches realize that, and they sort of baby these guys along, and give them, you know, minutes. With Gillispie, you don't earn your stripes on the court; instead, you earn playing time by trying really hard in practice and not fucking up plays.

Therefore, his real problem, I think, isn't really his problem at all. HIs coaching philosophy doesn't mesh well with blue chip recruits (Patterson notwithstanding). Discipline is one thing; but when a player of DeAndre Liggins' caliber is forced to watch Michael Porter play ahead of him, he's not going to perform well. For some guys, Acie Law, for example, that will drive them to push harder and force their way onto the floor. These big-time recruits, though, expect everything to be handed to them. And, sadly, that's what they'll get from other coaches. In the end, it will work in everyone's favor, but Gillispie's too dumb and stubborn to realize that.

So, yeah, he'll take the Texas Tech job or something and he'll take them to the Sweet 16 one year. Good for him. But there's a ceiling for how good a Gillispie coached team can be, and I'm really, really glad we figured that out sooner rather than later.

This team will be so much better next year with a new coach, unless that coach is Travis Ford. If that's the case, we're back to square one.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A New Bookmark!

So Reed Johnson has a blog. It's the same thing DeRosa did last season.

"My blog is definitely going to be better than DeRosa's. I'm definitely going to be tougher on my teammates.

FONTENOT: DeRo's a good guy. Reed's an idiot.

JOHNSON: There you go. Maybe I'll insert Font twice a week after that comment."
Here's Johnson's first Fontenot quip: "A week has gone by since I last blogged, and Fontenot just walked by and he's still as small as he was when I first met him. He hasn't grown at all. We'll leave it at that."

Also, he has Louisville and Duke in the Nat'l Championship, because his wife thinks Cardinals and Blue Devils sounds good.

If that happens, God help us.

I'm a Neglectful Bloggist

I've been a bad blogfather. I've ignored you. I apologize--I've been, well, doing nothing. Hey, some dingbat wrote a stupid article! Yay!

How to fix the NCAA tourney? Let me count the ways

Can't wait!

The NCAA didn't ask, but as we approach the second week of the college basketball tournament, I'm sure that august body is interested in some unsolicited suggestions to help make March even madder.

Zero, so far.

Maybe you didn't know there are ways to improve the tournament. There are. Lots of them. Some are silly, some serious, but all are doable. Such as:

I hate to bust in before you run off your stupid little list, but why do people think it necessary to fuck with the tournament? It can't be because they're too stupid to think of an original column, could it?

Give catchy names for the first two rounds. Do you really have to make the Sweet 16 or Elite Eight for teams to brag about in next year's media guide? What's so sweet about 16 anyway? Why not crow about making the Semi-Sweet 64? Or the Thrilling 32?

Is this one of the "joke-y" ones, or are you serious? Either way: terrible.

Expand the field by three, with three more play-in games to give one at every regional. The added appeal is that some of these would be more intriguing than this year's Morehead State-Alabama State game. I didn't watch a single minute of that one.

Then you missed the over-celebrations of a potentially-handicapped boygirl.

But I would if it were Saint Mary's-Davidson

Yes, reward teams that didn't make the tourney with one more shot! I think 65 is enough.

or Kentucky-Creighton.


Seriously, though, if you can't break into the top 65, a line must be drawn. Where will this end?

Sign retired analyst Billy Packer up for 24/7 Twitter.

'That Twitter has been in the news. I hear my kids talking about it. They'll think I'm hip if I work it into my column.

First, tell Billy what Twitter is.

It's a gigantic black penis.

Make the tournament field 128 teams and scrap those god-awful conference tournaments that make a buck and only deprive a worthy team with a great regular season of its deserved spot in the field.

Oh, so no explanation as to why you'd sign Packer up to Twitter? And now you're reverting back to your previous argument, and amending it with quite possibly the stupidest piece of shit argument you could make.

First of all, filling out a bracket would take an entire day.

Second, why can't you, like every normal human being, see the conference tournament's as a play-in tournament? And how are worthy team's deprived? You do know there are like 34 at-large bids, yes? And who sits on their couch, Thursday afternoon, and says 'fuck! No Days of Our Lives because there's goddam daytime college basketball?'

Women, that's who. You're a woman.

Have former coaches — the ones who just loved officials — referee the play-in games. Now if Bobby Knight were officiating the Morehead State game, I would have watched. You think Gene Keady would have taken any lip if he had a whistle? They'd be ratings bonanzas.

You know, that's a good point. They would be "ratings bonanzas." Mainly because there are enough sick people in our country who would tune in to see the two biggest assholes have heart attacks on national television.

Have referees serve as color analysts of tournament games and tell stories about which coaches curse the most, which whine the most and those that they think do the best and worst jobs coaching their teams.

'Then, you could put tape recorders in everyone's living rooms, broadcast their voices live, and we could have everyone in unison say, 'who gives a shit?''

Always send North Carolina and Duke to the West. That'd qualify as a real economic stimulus with their passionate fans.

Hi-yo! Stimulus joke! Our nation's in ruins! Hahahahahah....

Set up dunking booths for AIG executives at every regional site. Dump an exec, you get his bonus.

Keep it rolling! Show the people you're tuned in.

Let Obama work as a basketball analyst. He's obviously done his homework. Well, kind of.


Remove the Final Four locations from these football domes, please. Sorry, Jerry.

OK, that's rational.

Sure, the NCAA will squeeze more than 70,000 into Ford Field in Detroit next month, but a return to more intimate, true basketball arenas would restore some of the mystique to the tournament. Besides, didn't greed get our country into the mess it's in now in the first place?

Let's lay off the economy for a bit.

Heck, play the Final Four in the "Hoosiers" Hinkle Fieldhouse on Butler's campus in Indianapolis. And let Gene Hackman, my favorite actor, serve as guest coach.

Yes, I'm sure UNC would love that stunt.

Stick Obama on the NCAA selection committee. Or Knight. And televise the deliberations. Give it an R rating. Stick it on HBO if you have to.

Who organized this? You're all over the place.

Reveal the bracket entry of a different celebrity before every tournament game and then track it. Have dueling brackets like Angelina Jolie's vs. Jennifer Anniston's. Or Roger Clemens' versus Brian McNamee's. And Mack Brown's vs. Bob Stoops' with closest predicted score for the championship game as the, uh, tiebreaker.

This has nothing to do with the actual tournament. In fact, as a media member, you could run this little tournament.

Call traveling.

Jerry Smith.

Play the "One Shining Moment" theme song every night. Sorry, but I love it.

'I love it so much that I want it to annoy the shit out of me next week!'

Here's an outrageous one. In the spirit of the World Series, make the national championship game two out of three.


Hey, we've already established that greed is a factor, right?

Um, you did.

What, is CBS going to turn down an extra game or two?

Probably not.

Put more representatives of mid-major conferences on the selection committee.

I'm bored.

Have interviews with former refs on blown calls, nightmares and ensuing death threats. Find the Don Denkinger of college hoops. Do feature stories on refs to show that they're, well, almost human.

Uh, yeah, that's a great idea for a column. I wish you knew a newspaper columnist...

Rename the winning cup the John Wooden Trophy. Why hasn't this already been done?

Because he's not dead yet. And he creeps everyone out. And he may have cheated.

Force every Division I school from one of the big six major conferences to play a mid-major team on the road after Christmas.

Nothing to do with improving the tournament.

If it's not a problem, move this year's national title game to a Tuesday. Monday is opening day for most major league baseball teams.

Luckily, there are no teams opening their season on Tuesday. Oh, except the Brewers, Giants, Braves, and Phillies.

Rename this year's tournament the Big East Invitational.

That sounds like a god-awful conference tournament.

Finally, end all the denial and go to three-day work weeks in March, Monday through Wednesday. We'd at least save on gas mileage to "work."

Yes, skip work. You're employer isn't looking for any reason to fire you.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

World Baseball Classic: A Microcosm

So, I'm watchin' this baseball final, and I learn stuff about cultures.

It's the bottom of the eighth, and Japan is up two runs. The lead-off hitter for Japan gets on base, and here's where the two countries diverge strategy-wise.

USA: Sweet, a two-run homer!

Japan: Let's get this guy into scoring position.

As expected, the next batter is asked to bunt. He lays down a perfect bunt down the thirdbase line, moving the runner to second base. (Note: Although the bunt was perfect, it was clear that the FIRST priority for the hitter was to move the runner to second. Which he did.)

The next hitter smacked a fairly weak grounder to second, which moved the runner to third. The swing looked intentional, so I thought, "That's kinda silly. Now only a wild pitch or infield single can score the runner from third. Anything better, and the guy would have scored easily from no need to move the runner to third with one out, silly Japanese guy!"

The next batter hit an infield single.

And it wasn't one of those half-swing jobs, or one of those shots to the hole that a guy dives and catches. This was a pre-meditated, left-handed, beat-the-ball-into-the-ground-and-run-my-ass-off-singles. Jeter fielded it, threw it off his back foot, sailed Derosa, and the runner ducked under the tag, safe at first. IMMEDIATELY, the runner turned to see that his teammate scored, and went apeshit (meaning, slight fist pump and respectful handshake with first base coach).

To make matters worse, this guy then stole second, and Ichiro delivered an RBI single on the next pitch. Only to extend the metaphor, Adam Dunn was there to lazily corral the base hit.

I was listening to the radio the other day, and they were discussing how the US was in a 3 trillion dollar deficit, and Japan had, like, hundreds of billions in reserve. If this is true, the reason is that they are efficient, selfless, and they know what they're doing before they do it.

Baseball teaches another lesson.

P.S. Adam Dunn just struck out looking to end it. What a lazy fat ass.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Oh Fuck: I Never Thought It Would Happen

Holy shit, it's going down.

Oh my god, I'm terrified. I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't eat...well, I can eat. Still, I'm petrified. Shitless.

Louisville's going to win the whole fucking thing. Oh god, I shudder at the thought. Train, I love ya, but I can't see you until at least 2012 if UL cuts down the nets.

How can I justify this?

"What a shitty year in college basketball, right? I mean, Pitt was #1 for chrissakes!"

Let it be known that I will be ruthlessly and unabashedly rooting for everyone else in the tournament, and a UL loss will far supersede any "noise" UK makes in the NI-fucking-T.

Still, holy fuck, it's going to happen. They play actual defense. Every other big team is struggling with injuries. And every UL player can shoot fairly well. Oh god, I'm going to vomit.

Dammit. To think, David Padgett was on the team last year. I hate these assholes. Jerry Smith can choke a wang.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Friesan Fuckin' Fire!

It's alliterative.

I'm gonna start posting about Derby now that the college basketball season has officially ended for the year, and hopefully it has ended forever for one salty old Texas grit.

Anywho, I just watched the Louisiana Derby, and Friesan Fire looked beyond impressive.

A few things to watch in this clip:

a. The jockey, Gabriel Saez, doesn't even need to hit the horse. He is pulling away with authority all on his own.

b. He is running in about as straight a line as possible, which is rare for horses his age. Normally, you see the jockey steady him up towards the wire, and a lot of times they have trouble changing leads, but not this guy.

c. This was on a sloppy/fast track, so if Derby Day gets a little wet, look out. (that's what she said)

d. Saez is flat STOKED as he crosses the finish line!

Sadly, Gene, Bejerano had to settle for a photo for second.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Guest Hyper Critical Rant

From a girl! Eww!!!

The future Mrs. Parmesan has taken some random professor to task. It's about soccer, a sport she plays.

How Soccer is Ruining America: A Jeremiad

By Stephen H. Webb

Thursday, March 5, 2009, 12:00 AM

Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it. Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return.

Maybe the dumbing down of America has something to do with idiots like you being allowed to teach American college students with no supervision.

What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.)

Good point, they should add “bowling pins crashing” to those sound machines people use to fall asleep. Also, I see your point with the golf greens. I mean, maybe if they played soccer on highly well-cared for and flawlessly-manicured grass people would…oh wait, they fucking do.

The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.

What? Are the opposing posses the other posses’ prey or are they each pursuing different prey? Why don’t they have bullets? Because the field is linear instead of circular? This can’t even be called an analogy because it doesn’t make any sense.

For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games—and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.

1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability.

I believe that disability you’re speaking of is called a rule. And all sports have rules-many of them, in fact. This is why basketball players can’t kick the ball and why baseball players can’t do 'roids and why football players can’t just throw the ball to someone else before they get tackled.

I won’t even address the liberal comment at this time. It’s just too inane to believe that it was even written.

Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.

Holy shit, is that really part of your reason for disliking soccer? Because God loves our hands? And because deaf people don’t sign with their feet? How could a person that exists in reality, such as myself, even come up with a response here? Answer: Can’t-it’s too fucking ridiculous.

2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up.

Yes, just the reason I started playing sports when I was 6; so that I could be broken down, military-style, until I was curled in the fetal position, crying, yet begging for more. Fun is for pussies.

Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes, and outs. Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, and tapping the bat to the plate gave us our first experience with inventing self-indulgent personal rituals. The boy chosen to be the pitcher was inevitably the first kid on the team to reach puberty, and he threw a hard ball right at you.

You’re joking, right? I know for a fact that, in T-ball, no one even keeps track of the score and everybody gets to run the bases. But I did forget about those intimidating words…BAT! Scared you, didn’t I?

Thus, you had to face the fear of disfigurement as well as the statistical probability of striking out. The spectacle of your failure was so public that it was like having all of your friends invited to your home to watch your dad forcing you to eat your vegetables. We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.

So, time went by slowly in these games? Even though you were shit-your-pants scared of every move you made and spent half the game fearful of getting your face ripped apart by a 6 year old's fastball? I guess these gay old times didn’t occur until after you had built back up following the severe mental and emotional beat down you experienced in 4 year old T-ball?

3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that.

And luckily, we have real Americans like you to tell us.

More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score.

I know it wasn’t “invented” in America, but don’t you score less as you get better at golf? But that’s beyond the point, because you don’t know what you’re talking about. I believe the correct correlation would be the better the defense gets, the less you, the offense, scores…in certain circumstances, depending on how good your offense actually is and how reliable the other team’s goalie is. In short, what a stupidly bold statement that is not only inaccurate, but also irrelevant.

Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel. How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage, and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery. Shootouts are such an anticlimax to the game and are so unpredictable that the teams might as well flip a coin to see who wins—indeed, they might as well flip the coin before the game, and not play at all.

I’ll give you that shootouts are anticlimactic and that most people would prefer to see the game end some other way. But shootouts are not designed to put the audience out of its misery because most soccer fans aren’t miserable assholes like you.

4) And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls.

Kick you? I hope she legally emancipates herself.

Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving (yep, no shoving in football, true enough!) and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating. As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.

YOU actually found a woman that would marry and bear children with you?? If I was your wife, and I just read the above statement, you’d see some of that bloodlust that we ladies are apparently indifferent to.

Let me conclude on a note of despair appropriate to my topic. There is no way to run away from soccer, if only because it is a sport all about running. It is as relentless as it is easy

A quote: “As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth.” Oh, you said that, like 3 seconds ago. So, tell me, is soccer as difficult as childbirth or is it easy? Pick one, dick.

and it is as tiring to play as it is tedious to watch (and Heaven forbid we get tired while playing a sport). The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America. For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer’s success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America. The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, post-structuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport.

Yeah, now that American kids are playing soccer, we’re just one little jump away from Marxism. All you just did there was use big words to make an idiotic argument that is wholly political and, in no part, sports-related. Nor, again, does it make sense. But you’re obviously a conservative douche, so you’re well-versed in the smoke and mirrors debate style.

Yet this suspicion would be mistaken. Soccer is of foreign origin, that is certainly true, but its promotion and implementation are thoroughly domestic. Soccer is a self-inflicted wound. Americans have nobody to blame but themselves. Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves.

Oh my God, in droves? Before we know it, the real America will be filled with minority-loving gays! GAYS, I TELL YOU!

Baseball is too intimidating, football too brutal, and basketball takes too much time to develop the required skills. American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.

Ahh, the old relevision. There’s no way I can pass up on making fun of a typo, but maybe that’s just old existentialist, Marxist, post-structuralist, deconstructionist, soccer-loving, liberal me.

I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me!

Just give them a few years. They’re learn what a jackass you are soon enough and then spend their time doing drugs and trying to get pregnant just to spite you instead.

Last year all three of my kids were on three different soccer teams at the same time. My daughter is on a traveling team, and she is quite good. I had to sign a form that said, among other things, I would not do anything embarrassing to her or the team during the game. I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried. “Why not,” she asked? “Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? “Not at all,” I replied, “I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end.”

It also probably eats away at her soul, since her father is incapable of taking an interest in the things that are important to her. I’m sure she’s well on her way to the path I described above. Hope you taught her about safe sex!

That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport. Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family.

Umm…worst last sentence to a persuasion piece EVER? So, you hate soccer so much that you object to it even on a political level. You find it un-American. You think it’s too easy (yet, of course, simultaneously too hard). You can’t even make yourself watch your daughter, who is good at it, play it. Yet you come home from a soccer game a very happy family? Bat. Shit. Crazy.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

inside the cubs

this from

"As for the two-hole, Piniella said they'll play around with it but that he's leaning toward inserting Fukudome there behind Alfonso Soriano."

/ha ha ha fuk u do me next to head to cleveland?

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Big East Tournament.

Is ridiculous, and not in that way where you call someone ridiculous becuase they are really good like "Lebron is ridiculous, yo," it's more like "Billy Gillispie is a ridiculous coach," or "Jed is a ridiculous person." It's kind of like the Regan bit about the ice cream servings; somebody in the Big East office drew up a screwy bracket where some teams get two rounds off and then said "I was just joking but now its going out that way." Unless I've miscalculated, and its possible b/c there are a lot of teams to count, they have 16 teams. That could easily be worked into a 4 round bracket with no byes. Before we have any complaints about how that wouldn't be fair to the conference winner, whoever they were, that team would get DePaul in the first round, which is probably even better than a bye, and then the winner of Prov./Cincy, who they will play in their first game anyway. What this crappy setup allows us is an extra day of ESPN felating of the BE and inevitably letting Mike Ditka and Barry Melrose weigh in on how many bids they'll get.

Thank God, because as a frustrated Kentucky fan, I need something else to occupy some of my hatred right now.

Coaching, With Clyde

As a fictional private investigator (am I fictional? Or an investigator? Neither? Both? You don't know, do you?), I'm adept at unearthing some of the world's most guarded documents. Today, I discovered a packet with information so sensitive it may make your teeth hurt really badly if you were to bite into it. That's right, I found Billy Clyde's coaching philosophy, neatly stapled and collated, and clearly written by a second party, as there is no evidence of rampant double-negative use..

Luckily, no one reads this blog, so the information is safe. Read with caution, though.


Man-to-man at all times. No questions asked. If a player is clearly too short/slow/white to effectively carry out his assignment, tell that pussy to toughen up. If players aren't completely dejected after an opponent's made basket, YELL LOUDER. And demean them in post game press conferences, if necessary. Otherwise, demean the interviewer. More on that later.


Catch the ball, preferably while in the air, after a missed shot. When dealing with a player like Perry Stevenson, who vigorously snatches the ball after made baskets, be sure to hammer home the previous point.


When facing a man-to-man (and the opposing coach would have to be an absolute retard to run a zone), have your best player run off screens to fire threes. If he's off, pray your talented center can get put-backs. This should work 95% of the time.

If el Retardo decides that he wants to be a little bitch and run a zone, set the same screens on the unmoving defenders. Also, flashing the middle is for pansies. The best way to beat a zone is to wear your players out by running them all over the floor, while the defense remains stationary. Eventually, a 30-footer should be open.

Ideally, against a zone, baskets should be as sparse as soccer goals. You want viewers to be astounded when the ball goes in the hoop. Baskets will come as the result of a perfectly executed play that has several stages. Sure it may only happen once every seven or eight possessions, but again, only losers zone.


You want to keep your guys guessing, as well as the opponent. That way, no one really knows what to prepare for. Plus, if your players can't figure out what pleases you, they may do it by accident. Also: bitch about lack of chemistry/execution, though don't change anything. For instance, if your team, say, turns the ball over a lot, don't make any changes, even if it's abundantly clear what the problem is. Toughness should persevere.


Cry at social events, kiss babies, smile for pictures, and get fucking shit-canned at every opportunity. People will constantly give you alcohol; it's awesome. You can't fuck this up.


When asked questions that you don't have a reasonable answer for, attack the questioner. If your team is full of pussies and you're forced to attack them during an interview, be sure to be extra offended if someone mentions a specific player's performance at a later date. Think T.O.'s "that's my quarterback" speech. Perfect execution.

There's probably more, but this should be fine for now.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Holy Shit, This Kid's Hilarious

I'm pretty late to the party with this youngster, but man, he's hilarious.

These are only three of many. They are the only ones I've seen.

Apparently, he's had Comedy Central specials and such, but I've never seen or heard of him until yesterday. Bo Burnham's the name.


I can't stop watching them...

Friday, March 6, 2009

Gillispie On Porter

Bozich's blog:
"Some days it has been difficult, and some days it hasn't. Michael (Porter) has played very well, and not too many guys are going to make five three-pointers in a game. He ran the game very well and he defended very well.

"He has done as much on his best nights as anyone could ever ask for. On the tough nights, it has been more challenging, but Michael Porter has been great for us. I would hate to imagine what our success level would have been without him."
I like Gillispie's attitude toward his incompetent PG (I mean that in the nicest way possible), but why is Porter impervious to criticism? Perry gets it, Harris gets it, Meeks gets it---why not Porter? Kind of weird, but whatever. At least he's not being a total dick.

I also think that had Galloway and/or Liggins been given a fair shake at the point, they'd be much, much further along at this juncture.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

IU is Sucking Their Way Into My Heart

I get the Big 10 network, and save the random classic Purdue/Michigan games from the early 90's, it's pretty useless. Still, it does a good job of broadcasting every Big 10 game, no matter how shitty it may be.

As you know, IU is the shittiest team ever. They have six wins. They have lost 18 of their last 19 games. They have won once in conference, and 0 times away from home all year. They're abysmal.

And they're about fifty times easier to watch than UK. And, thanks to BTN, I get to see all the IU goodness I can handle! Therefore, I've gotten a chance to see them play quite often. Recently, they played MSU on ESPN for their Senior Night (farewell, Kyle Taber). They lost to the Spartans by five points, but the game was tied (or super close) down the stretch. Matt Roth, a short, white freshman guard was forced to check probable Big 10 POY Kalin Lucas. At times, that was humorous.

Clearly, MSU was vastly superior talent-wise. Lucas, Suton, Morgan--they are a Final 4 threat again. Still, watching IU--the same time that struggled to score 10 first half points against UK in December--was quite frustrating. Not because short white guys have trouble guarding tall black guys, no. But because they would probably beat us today. They play harder, they play smarter, and they have improved mightily over the last couple of months.

This is what a first-year coach's struggles should be. Crean, though, has it worse than most due to Sampson's atrocities. Still, he's coaching guys he knew nothing about in December, and most of them are either a) awful, or b) freshmen. He has still successfully taught them how to play, and they've bought into his system.

Watching IU is hard, because they truly aren't very good. But it's not really mistakes that hurt them. They have guys in the right spots; it just so happens that those guys have no business being on the floor. They run a functioning offense, they play solid defense, and their turnovers have reduced dramatically.

There's really no argument: if both coaches stay at their respective schools, IU will be much better than UK in two years, maybe next year. Crean's got a good crop of freshmen coming in, and the group he has now is getting valuable experience. And, most importantly, his team has improved more in 4 months than Gillispie's has in two years. Tom Crean is a teacher. A greasy-haired, used-car-salesmen-lookin' teacher.

Because of that, IU will continue to improve, and they'll be an NCAA team next year. UK...maybe not.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Pitino & Gillispie. Separated at birth?

Mired in the angst that has been a very disappointing stretch for our Cats, an eerie truth has presented itself that must be examined further: The Cardfather (gayest nickname ever, slightly beating out Mavis) and Clyde are bizzaro versions of each other.

In the beginning...

Arrived from New York a slick talking carpetbagger who made us all swoon when he proclaimed that "Kentucky basketball tickets will be the most valuable things on Earth." A mere taste of the incessant barrage of hyperbole that spews from Rick to this day.
Arrived from Texas a slack jawed yokel of a man who made us all swoon when he tricked…er… convinced Pat Patterson to come to UK by promising him 145 shots a game.

Their predacessors:

A classy man who took the program to greatness, was underappreciated late in his term and was effectively forced out the door.


Coeds at UK, Patti Swope, a blow up doll of himself.
Coeds at UK, Janine Edwards, some pregnant chick with a lazy eye working the Hardees drive-thru in Nicholasville.

Post game interviews:


if HE won: "Well I told Edgar that he needed to transfer if he didn't start playing defense so I am a motivational genius."
THEY lost: "I told them that Notre Dame would be ready to play but they just didn't listen to me. George Goode and Terrance Jennings are too dumb to learn the offense."
Cats win: "I've never had a guy like Galloway play so well in a game and so bad in practice, we gotta get tougher and show more leadership"
the current trend: "If I hadn't played that one guy (the thinest of thinly veiled jabs at PSteve) in the 2nd half against LSU we would've won. A.J., Stevenson and Harrelson have to help Patterson, and we gotta get tougher and show more leadership."

The admen:

Berates Rally's employees, chills with Laetner and parties in his undies with Bob Knight and Coach K.
Somehow makes Krogers creepy and thinks its ok to tell ME not to drink and drive.

The attire:

Regarded as one of the best dressed coaches in the country, sleeps in Armani and recently wore a all white suit to celebrate white-out.
Owns a suit, sleeps in whatever he passed out in and may have worn a white hood at some point to celebrate a "white-out."

Questionable personnel moves:

Allows Edgar Sosa to live.
Allowed Mike Porter to dribble against Devan Downey.

Unearned reputation:

Every recruit he signs says that "Coach P. knows how to get me to the pros," a secret that he has only shared with Fran Garcia in the past 10 years. Good luck kids.
Credited as recruiting genius before setting foot in Lexington. He had been at UTEP 2 years and A&M 3 years and recruited virtually none of his contributing players while coaching at each stop. Fingers crossed.

Legacy at UK:

Was generally a dick, but who cares because final fours are fun.
Is a dick, which is a big problem until he gets to a final four. Please God, let him do something good soon.

Fatal Flaws:

Has never stopped talking and contradicts himself constantly. Thought it was mean to impede the vision of Grant Hill. Is undoubtedly king of the douches.
Won't play zone. Thinks timeouts and adjustments are for sissies. Thinks he could coach up a sock to play lock down d on Kobe.

So, the spread for tonight's game...

The Cats by 18.

Who is setting these lines? I may be making a call to Cousin Tom (bookie).

I mean, seriously, if a team starting Jared Carter and Michael Porter can beat ANYONE by 18, I'll be shocked.

To quote Casey's apt text message, "We are playing UGA's men's team, right?"

And, yes, Tommy, I am still cheering for the Cats, that line just seems insanely blue-tinted.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Sweet! Someone wrote an article about UK that I can criticize! And the doucher is from Tennessee! We beat them twice! I am going to rip this chucker a new one! Let's get to it:

Kentucky coach's act wears thin with players, fans

Oh. So he's taking that stance.

The calendar has flipped to March, as in "March Madness."

How long has he been sitting on that lead?

"I'm gonna blow your fucking minds with my first March column. You watch." Also, has anyone ever said, "so, is march madness in reference to soldiers? Or a high school band? What's 'march?'"

And nowhere are they madder than in Kentucky, as in "Kentucky basketball."

I hope the entire column is this infuriating. And I wouldn't say Kentucky fans are mad, so much as annoyed, confused, and fed-up. But that could describe us anytime, really.

'Cats fans were so steamed after Kentucky lost a 73-70 heartbreaker to LSU in Rupp Arena that they lustily booed the officials as they ran off the court. Those fans used to do that after games Kentucky won.

Call me crazy (or stupid), but doesn't the word 'lustily' denote merriment? Regardless, this doesn't make sense. So you're saying, UK fans are so pissed that they booed the refs after a loss, which is different from when they booed the refs after a win? If your point is to say that Kentucky fans are irrational, you fucked it up. Somehow.

They're so mad they don't know where to accurately direct their anger.

According to you, they merrily directed it at the refs.

They should follow Kentucky Coach Billy Gillispie's example. He spent much of his precious press conference time piling on his players.

And speaking in double-negatives. Oh, and cliches. Don't forget that.

Gillispie is about as popular in the Bluegrass these days as anti-smoking advocates.

My buddy Joe is an anti-smoking advocate, and he has like 1500 Facebook friends. So you can go fuck yourself. And contrary to your own beliefs, not every person in KY is associated with the tobacco industry.

This should have read: "...these days as black people."

I don't pretend to know how much longer Kentucky will suffer Gillispie.

Why not? You pretend to know everything else.

Suffice it to say it doesn't appear to be working out for the coach who worked miracles at basketball outposts in El Paso and Texas A&M.

Sweet 16s aren't miracles anywhere but Tennessee, pal.

Gillispie claimed his players weren't smart enough to carry out his directions to switch screens on LSU's game-winning shot, thus leaving Tasmin Mitchell with an open 3-pointer that he buried.

Now, I've not read the quote, but did he say "not smart enough?" They fucked up. That's not his fault (well, not entirely).

LSU's last seven SEC wins have been by less than 10 points. The last time LSU won in Rupp Arena was 1989, when Chris Jackson was making shots from Versailles.

So fuck you, Gillispie!

Kentucky was coming off a crushing 18-point loss at South Carolina. In his postgame radio show, Gillispie took time to throw three Kentucky players under the bus after he was asked a question about Jodie Meeks.

I can't wait to hear all the bus-throwin' fun you're not going to explain!

The guy is losing it.

I agree with this. Would you please support it with something?

Meeks and LSU's Marcus Thornton are frontrunners for SEC Players of the Year. Yet if word I'm getting out of Kentucky is accurate, Meeks and Patrick Patterson are as gone as gone can be after this season plays out.

Question: What does Marcus Thornton have to do with anything?

Question: Why so redundant?

Question: Is that supposed to be 'good as gone?'

Statement: Please be wrong.

Why come back to this dysfunctional circus?

You've yet to describe anything that could elicit the label "dysfunctional circus." A dysfunctional circus would consist of a man-eating chicken banging a bearded lady while pistol-whipping the pizza in a cup guy that drove the other pizza in a cup guy right out of business.

Gillispie has played mind games with a number of players.

And guessed their weights!

His substitution patterns are impossible to decipher.


I don't know how 'Cats can get in a doghouse, but that is where Gillispie has banished some of his players.

You know, that's just an expression. They're not really in an actual doghouse. Had that been the case, Gillispie would have been arrested.

Kentucky has won only three of its last nine games.

Oh my god. Seriously? Good lord, I hadn't realized just how bad we'd been.

In a way-below-average year for the SEC, they are 8-6 with games against Georgia and Florida waiting. Imagine what the numbers would be if the SEC had a team other than LSU that was considered a threat to go deep in the NCAA Tournament.

Pretty bad, I'd say. That's a scary point you make, carny-man.

Kentucky teams of Eddie Sutton, Rick Pitino and, yes, Tubby Smith would have run through this league like Patton through the Germans.

Don't disagree.

The NCAA's Ratings Performance Index for Kentucky is 66. ESPN's Joe Lunardi has Kentucky in the tournament and Florida out. Florida is one of his first four teams out. Kentucky goes to Florida Saturday. The winner could get in, the loser out. Heaven forbid Kentucky slips up against Georgia Wednesday at Rupp Arena.

If that happens, Kentuckians will hate Gillispie more than gay people.

Gillispie hasn't endeared himself to Kentucky players or fans. He chooses to point fingers at everyone but himself.

Nothing makes 'Cats fans madder.

I like where your head's at here, but, unfortunately, people are still madly in love with the not-black coach. I wish our fans were madder than they are.

Clever C-J Headline?

Headline describes Andre McGee as being "well-rounded."

In fairness, the article is about, in so many words, the fact that McGee is not a complete dolt and cares about the White House and shit.

Cubs and Chi Sox 10 PM Wednesday Night

After the Cats lose at home to a dismal UGA squad, check out the Cubbies on WGN!

Oh, Len, how I've yearned to hear your voice again! If it's Hawk and DJ, I'm watchin' E!