Ball licker

Soriano is a ball licker. I know the sun is bright, but catch the fucking ball. Jason Bay did it with ease. I guess it gets sunnier in Canada, though. Yeah, that makes sense.

I'll be gone for the next week, so I probably won't be able to update. Read other blogs; they're funnier anyway.

Cheap post with other people's humor...

Recently, I got engaged. As you may imagine, one of the first phone calls I made was to my parents. Here is the conversation with Eddie that I had:

"Eddie, I'm engaged." (or something like that)

"Oh, hey, that's great. Ya know, I'm so happy...I've just been walking around smiling...now, wow, that's great, ya know.

.....

"Did...did, you see Edwards' catch last night?"

me: "What? Oh, Edmonds. Yeah, it was awesome."

Eddie: "Yeah, that had to be the play of the day!"

Apparently, aside of living a life longing for the return of George Michael's Sports Machine, Eddie is also quite concerned with Cubs baseball.

Also, I sent a text to everyone announcing the engagement, while relaying the above story. Here are some of the best responses:

"OH MY GOD. CONGRATS. evan HOLY SHIT. Flippin out." --Billy D.
"Congrats, I'm just glad you're marrying a girl." --Bryce
"Where did she propose?" --Barr
"Joint wedding with Jed?" --Charles
"Way to copy Jed." --Coy
to Steph: "Congrats. Unless Evan is marrying another Stephanie, in which case, I'm sorry." --Coy
"First line of business to make it official, it has to go on fbook!" --Logan
"Did you catch the New Orleans game last night!...If I don't get an invite, I'll chop off you pee pee. I can't wait to crash it." --Havelda
"OMG! I'm so happy! The Cubs are on tonight." --Sean
"It WAS a good game." --Worm
"Great news, Kige. Can I come to the wedding?" --Conley
"I knew you could do it!" --Stu
"Did you know that the Cubs game was the longest played by a river that's a state river that starts in one state, goes in another, and has obtuse angles? That's probably what Eddie was talking about." --Strobel*
"I can't believe she said yes." --Walmsley
"Did the Cubs win?" --Casey
"You aren't getting married in Indiana, are you? That state sucks." --Veigl
"I can't believe she said yes." --John
"That's was a good game. Tell Eddie I saw it." --Benningfield

*Strobel's text back story: One time, Eddie and Strobel went on a beer run to Nicholasville. As they crossed the KY River, Eddie told Strobel that the KY River is the only river, named after a state, that enters another state and comes back to its original state. Eddie stands by this factoid.

Dusty Baker is the bizarro manager

Let me take you back a few years. Remember when Dusty Baker was the manager of the Cubs? Yeah, me too. It was awesome for a while, then it sucked. We began our trek down the "path of shitty" when Dusty, who had fallen madly in love with the long ball, straight avoided any use of the bunt or stolen base. We were a, uh, "big ball" club, and swinging for the fences was our game. In fairness, I will add that Dusty did have a healthy Prior and Wood, though he threw their arms out. That doesn't follow w/ the text that comes next, though.

OK. Fast forward. Remember this:


Of course you do; it happened yesterday, and many of you are still wiping the jizz out of your couch. What that video, presumably shot with a helmet cam by Michael J. Fox, didn't show, were the first two pitches of that at-bat. The Reds had runners on first and second, down a run. Dunn was batting eighth, ahead of Bako and a pinch hitter. Dusty had Dunn, who has 2 career sac bunts, trying to lay one down. Not only is that fucking stupid and insane, it was a sign from Dusty Baker! The man who never, ever wanted to bunt w/ the Cubs. Now, playing in a cracker jack stadium, Dusty is trying to move runners with Adam mother fucking Dunn. I can't believe that big idiot even got the sign.

Anyway, Dusty tried to have Dunn hit the ball 4 feet; instead, he hit it 449.

It was quite the coup pulled by the Reds to get him out of the BBTN studio.

Soriano just hit a homerun that wouldn't have left the infield on another day

The wind is blowing out at Wrigley, and Soriano just lifted a pop-up that landed in the basket. It was his second bomb, so I ain't bitchin'.

I don't have much else. Here, watch this video some twelve-year old recorded off his TV in 2001.

Pee-Vee

So, Jake Peavy got rocked, eh? Touched up by the mighty Cubs. Oh, and Barbara Walters is a slut.

I got a post ready to go public on KSR concerning the rankings done by Lindy's something or other (Bozich mentioned it on his blog). Anyway, they rank UL 57th, and UK 63rd. I am (barely) outraged! However, how much time did these jokers put into ranking teams past #50? Still, give me a damn break. The Cay-ards ahead of us? On what basis...besides us losing our offense. But you guys lost Brohm, remember? And don't start stumping for Cantwell; I will not be sold on him until he runs the dreaded Kragthorpe offense.

On my way to work last night, I was listening to the local ESPN Radio affiliate, which was a show out of Columbia (SC). They do a pretty good job, and it was interesting. One guy, however, continued to make over-qualified statements about pretty much every topic. They began talking about Southern Cal, and he said that the NCAA was a joke, and that they care more about changing teams mascots from Native American names than the Mayo situation, etc. The problem here, other than the obvious overstatement, is that this guy wants the death penalty for USC RIGHT NOW! If it was up to this guy, any news of cheating or illegal activity at a school would be punished. He mentioned IU as well, and that they haven't been punished for the Sampson shit. But, they will, asshole. Wait a little bit. The Mayo situation smells bad, I agree. But you don't fucking know. Let the NCAA investigate, and they will punish accordingly. Chill.

Next, he launched into a tirade about the NCAA being the minor leagues for the NBA and NFL. I was like, 'OK, he'll discuss the stupidity that is the one and done rule.' Nope. His argument was no one goes to class...or something. I don't really remember. I agree with him, that kids like Beasley and Mayo probably didn't set foot in a classroom starting in January, but what are they, .000005% of college athletes? Kind of a blanket statement, jerk-off. Haven't you seen that commercial? "...Most of us are going pro in something other than athletics..."

Whatever. Fine arguments. I disagreed. Then they brought up UK. They only talked about this subject for a couple of minutes, but Johnny hard-ass talked about how the move was stupid and lacked integrity. He also said that Gillispie wouldn't be arount in two years, so he'll never see these kids play. Further, he talked about how stupid it was to do something like this.

I'm actually OK with much of this. However, my only argument is, how does this joker know? Also, UK is not, as this guy said, the only to have done this or does this. Damon Bailey was like 3 when Knight started recruiting him. Anyway, I don't want to get into this again, and how we can basically back out of these offers if the player doesn't pan-out, but let's wait and see. If Zollo and Avery blow and we tell them to get bent, then maybe we can discuss how these moves lack integrity. Otherwise, I'm A-OK with it.

I wrote a lot and didn't think a lot, so what's written above isn't all that good, funny, or thorough. Sorry.

One a week, huh?

I'm certainly a lazy douche, aren't I? Sorry I haven't been posting lately, but I've been settling into my new surroundings/internship. Good stuff.

Anyway, news just came down that I just had to share with all 8 (generous guess-timation) of you. Male High School has supposedly broken the record for most Mentos mother fucking Diet Coke geysers at one time. Hooooooooooray!!!!!!!!!! It's about time! According to the article in the Courier-Journal, "Belgium" held the record until today. It's about time we stole the honor back from those filthy Belgians.

I know, I know. It was for a good cause, as they donated all the money they made to the Ronald McDonald house. Good for them. Now, figure out a defense that incorporates having a deep safety.

Jim...Edmonds...is....a...Cub........... I guess we could use an upper-cuttin' free-swinger in the lineup. Hell, bat him lead-off!

Other than that, I haven't too much to say. Until tomorrow......

The masquerade is over

Is that how you spell 'masquerade?' If it is, I'm awesome.

Jon Lieber sucks. Remember all those times you sat watching him pitch, and you wondered 'why can't guys hit him?' His pitches were slow, had little movement, and usually hung around the plate.

Now, a few years later, teams have figured it out. The Reds blasted four bombs off of him in the 2nd inning. Yikes.

Also, I reserve the right to recant these statements and blame those homeruns on GABP's bullshit dimensions if Lieber turns it around this season, but don't hold your breath. Because, I guess, you would die from lack of oxygen. Only you wouldn't, b/c you would pass out first and your body starts breathing again on its own. Thus, a stupid saying. So, fuck it, hold your breath all you want; see if I care.

Holy shit, PETA is going to have some kick-ass demonstrations for the next few weeks. When PETA's involved, the demonstrations get GOOD. They'll probably work a horse-dong into this next one, so that should be great. I heard 100,000 people are going to show up at their protest at the Preakness, only all those people will be getting drunk in the infield of the track...of which I can't remember the name. Uh, nope gone. Yeah, they aren't protesting at all. Pimlico. Sweet.