Steve Phillips reads the blog!!!

Phillips just said that Soriano doesn't belong in the lead-off spot, so he clearly has been a loyal reader of my musings. There's no way that dip-shit could have come up with this theory on his own. Furthermore, Reed Johnson has 90 at-bats and taken 88 first pitches. If Soriano bats lead-off tomorrow I will shit a telephone pole, which, ironically, is what Soriano uses for a bat.

One more thing, Soriano is still contending that the hop didn't cause the injury. Alfonso, shut the fuck up. Don't say stupid shit like that. It makes you sound like an idiot. It would be like Grammatica saying, "what? Oh no, I hurt me knee on the follow-through of that kick. Yeah, I celebrate with my right leg."

Isn't it awesome to play against a Jason Kendall team?

Fucking Blue Jays

I don't normally bitch about my fantasy team, but the Blue Jays fucked me tonight.

I have Roy Halladay. He pitched 8 2/3 innings of scoreless ball, and got the loss. I can understand, though. That shit-ass gave up five hits!

Also, the Cubs are about to lose...well, maybe not. Gagne's on the bump.

At least UK got some good news today.

See ya tomorrow.

School almost end yay happy cold in this room

I don't feel like completing thoughts, but I will relay this hilarious story that just occurred. I told this story to my gf, and she thought it was barely funny. So, look forward to it!!!

OK, so we had to make these websites for my computer class (mine sucks ass, so I'm not linking it), and they were a real pain in the ass. Anyway, we had to present them before the class, and we just finished.

Now, I ain't one of dem dern gays that brought on Hurricanes and are ruining our great nation, but I can see when a man is attractive (especially if that man is naked). Anyway, I was talking with a classmate of mine who seems to fit this bill--he wasn't naked, though. So, as we were talking, a young lady of Asian descent from our class approached us, and posed this question:

"Are you guys going to celebrate with sex?"

At first, I thought, 'OK, maybe Asians mean something else when they say "sex."' But when I saw the look on the other dude's face, I realized that couldn't be true. We were finally like, 'whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?'

Then she re-stated it, only this time a bit more clearly. She meant to say, "celebrate with us." Not as funny.

Moral of the story is that I still have work to do and this Asian chick is out getting all wild drunk and shit.

Uh-oh: they fired Krivsky

You mean, trading away all of our good, young bats for worthless middle-relievers was a bad move? Well, I'm all out of ideas.

The Reds may be contenders again someday. Probably not; they are dog shit.

Ronny Cedeno's grand slam, and why the Cubs are good

Amazing, for two reasons.

1. He didn't strike out with the bases loaded in TWO CONSECUTIVE GAMES!!! Moreover, he produced runs!!!

2. Ronny Cedeno can hit a home run?

When Soriano went down, someone provided me with a comment, saying that losing our "lead-off" hitter would be addition by subtraction. I filed it as mindless retard-babble at the time, but...

...including the game Hoppy McHorribleoutfielder went down, the Cubs are 7-1. In the previous 12 games, they were 7-5. I was hoping there would be more of a discrepancy there. Shit.

...they have out-scored opponents 67-28 over the last 8, while during the "Soriano Days" they have been out-scored 60-59. We have scored eight more runs in 4 fewer games.

...Soriano, either batting 1st or 2nd, was 10 for 57 in his first 12 games, for an average of .175, and an OBP of .230. By comparison, the cheese-dicks that we've thrown at the top in his place (R. Johnson and Mike Fontenot thrice, Corey Patterson's shit-ass brother once) put up almost identical #'s batting .171 w/ an OBP of .237. Thus, the guy we're paying 80 trillion dollars to play, produces at the rate of pseudo-minor league players.

...the man I've been campaigning for, Theriot, has batted .481, with an OBP of .533!!! He has 13 hits, and that's only in 6 games b/c he's been hurt the last two.

I'm not saying we should release Soriano or anything, it just makes no sense to me that he bats lead-off. He doesn't bunt, take pitches, or reach base. Theriot reaches like crazy, as does Fukudome. Hell, bat anyone up there who won't rip at every fucking pitch. Bat Soriano third, where he can drive in runs.

I don't understand. If anyone still reads this blog, tell me why I'm wrong.

Uh...

Chase Utley has 9 HR's in 79 games. Five in his last five. Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn-crush!
He only swings half-fucking way!!!

I don't want to post this on KSR b/c people will lose their damn minds, but check this out. Apparently, douche-baggery runs beyond the bball team at Duke.

I received an anonymous tip that UK had a baseball player with an interesting name. Yikes.

Alright, that's all. I might post something later during the Cubs' game. I, for one, am astounded that Ronny Cedeno didn't whiff w/ the bases loaded last night. That's kind of his thing.

LJ's farts smell like dead bodies

If a crime scene investigator happened to be passing-by my apartment after "the lil' Jizz-bucket" (not sure where that nickname came from) has released one of his patented stink-bombs, I'd be hauled away for suspicion of murder. Now, to be clear, I've yet to smell a dead body, but I suspect they smell something like gas from my dog.

I'm ready to prematurely drool over the prospect of the Cats landing Ater Majok next year. He looked pretty good, but he did have a few annoying "international" habits.

For instance, he dunk-tips shots that are about to go in. Apparently, in Australia, baskets don't count unless they are scored authoritatively. Shaq would be awesome there.

Also, no passing in Australia. Sorry. I realize this was an all-star game, but he was really chuckin' up some shit last night.

It's funny to read on the message boards of both UL and UK, as TCP says UK's recruits rock and UL's suck, while ITV says the opposite. Can somebody smart rephrase that sentence so it makes sense? Anyway, if you want the truth, I got it right here, mister (or missy). All 4 of them are OK, ranking in this order:
Jennings
Liggins/Miller
(gigantic page break)
Poopshire--this guy sucks

To appease the UL faithful, I will say that T-Jenns will be a solid addition to your stacked front-court. I'm not sure why a single UL fan would want DC back, even after losing DP, especially now after seeing both Sam-Sam and T-Jenns. You will need help on the perimeter, though, because T-Will kinda sucks, as does Edgar, and J-Swop won't add much. The good news is CRP was able to convince E5 to return.

See how retarded that sounds?

Side note (as if this post had any semblance of order to begin with), some bitch just got LIT UP in American Gladiators! Sent her back to '93! Oh, this is a replay from '93...

I've got good news and bad news, and they're both the same thing: I was wrong about D-Lee (damn it! I do it too! I can't stop!). The season is still young, but he's raking the ball. Oh, and see how easy it is to score when your lead-off hitter doesn't foulout on the first pitch of each at-bat? For some reason, Theriot won't bat at the top of the order. I'm not sure why. And is Fukudome out of the running?

The Ted Lilly implode-o-meter...

It's only at about a 6 right now. It is, however, slowly creeping towards infiniti. Ted Lilly blows, and apparently it took the National League a season to figure this out. It's not completely over, but it's pretty damn close.

By the way, that is pronounced im-plode-om-itter. "Oh meter" is such a lame suffix.

Earl Clark will rejoin the Cards, and I think I speak for all of wildcat nation by saying: "Fuck!" On the day that we may be saying goodbye to D-Jas, UL gets their best player back. I guess I'll just assume that God is punishing us for being so good in football.

30 Rock sucks. I just watched it, and it sucks.

That was fast!

See, the hop-catch is fucking stupid.

Now, Brandon Phillips must get injured slapping his hands together like a douche after reaching on an error.

Dumpster's falling apart after his quick start. Soriano's an asshole.

Chris Griffin v. Dumpster Butt

"...and then the Lord said, 'Let there be fat faces.' And Aaron Harang was created."

That's in the Bible somewhere...it's near the end, but it's there. I'm not confident that Dumpster can win two straight, and Harang is pretty solid. Hopefully we can stymie the Reds w/ their own leftovers.

I've been thinking about something, kind of because we've talked about it in school, but what the fuck is the point of the Mitchell Report? Did it really take a comprehensive list of who used steroids for people to believe that there was rampant use in baseball? Couldn't we just assume? All the Mitchell Report did was soil the image of baseball greats, such as Randy Velarde. No one got punished. I'd be pretty pissed if I was this Mitchell fella. Of course, I wouldn't have done any real congressional work for the entire time I'd been researching this, but I'd still be upset.

Seriously, we're at war, bad shit's happening everywhere, and we are focusing on "cleaning up baseball." Go get 'em, Congress!

OK, gotta go, there's some sort of docu-drama on ESPN Classic based on a Jeremy Schaap book. This can't be bad. I'll be back after Soriano fucks up for the 3rd time tonight.

Hello blogosphere!

Ah, welcome back, me. Thanks, me.

Sorry for my third consecutive hiatus. I promise that I'll do everything in my power to keep up w/ this blog. Baseball will help, as the Cubs and the Reds open up a three game set. So, in honor of such an occasion, I will return to this blog triumphantly.

Other than that, I don't have much to talk about. Except Chase Utley. Does he ever get out? If yes, how? He swings half-way and rips the ball. He's amazing. I'm rushing and the quality of this post is suffering. Tomorrow...I promise.

Just a heads up....

According to the Indiana Daily Student, if you drink 70-100 cups of coffee in a day, you will die. They wrote that in a mother fucking article. You know what else would kill you? 70-100 cups of ANYTHING!

The piece was about caffeine being a drug or some shit, and they mentioned ways that it could be fatal. I can't link it because their site is currently down, probably because someone realized how stupid this sounds.

If you're feeling a bit sluggish today, however, try to stay below seventy cups of coffee if you can. I know how work can get to you.

Was Dick Vitale crying not the most hilarious shit you've ever seen?

Yikes.

The game last night was shitty throughout, but the late heroics of Super Nintendo Chalmers made it all worth it. Man, I'm so glad he finally did something awesome.

Why is it when I heard the word 'school' and the word 'exploded,' I immediately thought of the word 'SKINNER'?

Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

Luckily, for Sherron Collins, his wild and misguided heaves at the basket didn't doom the Jayhawks, as Memphis missed a ton of free throws down the stretch. All year people had talked about Memphis' free throw woes, and the last game of the season it burns them. Joey Dorsey's percentage was in the 30's. I could bounce free throws more accurately.

The Cubs are like 7 games in, and they have already infuriated me. It used to be the bullpen's inability to get outs; now, it's our inability to move runners. If I have to watch Soriano come up, in the lead-off spot, and twirl that stupid fucking telephone pole of a bat aimlessly for three straight pitches, I might snap. Seriously, is he Paul Bunyan? Is it an optical illusion? Is he really tiny or something?

Is there any question that the only player who appears able to hit major league pitching is Fukudome? Can we bump him to 2nd, after Theriot?

Derrek Lee's been rocking the ball lately, and Ramirez has been rocking the shit. Shows how much I know. Perhaps the wrist injury last year did have an affect on his season.

IU baseball: catch the pneumonia!

A couple of gems from the IU baseball radio broadcast. Why was I listening? Because I'm a douche.

First: "Stevens fists this one off the end of his bat."
-Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't "fisting" the ball entail hitting it off, ya know, the fists?

Second: "Johnson, contrarily, is doing exactly the same thing."
-Interesting...

I know what you're thinking, "well, if you're so great, why don't you call the games?" I will. And I'll be terrific.

Reed Johnson will never get out! *Update

Bye Felix!

Reed Johnson is batting a cool 1.000 this season. He also has some facial hair that would cause a Padre to call him douchey.

I have a random thought. After seeing Jim Leyland on Sportscenter the other day, I finally realized who he reminds me of. The old man salting the sidewalks from Home Alone. Buzz convinces Kevin that he killed a bunch of people, but he really just has a complicated relationship with his son. He has a soft-side Buzz; you would realize that if you weren't such a dick all the time.

Hey, you know who sucks at leading-off? Alfonso Soriano. Here's a handy list of things that lead-off batters should do:

Reach base: Soriano never, ever walks. Mainly because he never...

Take pitches: He swings at the first pitch 80% of the time. That's not factual, but it might be. If you throw him three sliders in the dirt away, he'll swing at every one.

Steal bases: Fine.

Move runners: Can't bunt, won't try.

Reed Johnson got out. The dream has died. His average fell 333 points. Ouch.

Derrek Lee just went yard, and it was a (*gasp) fastball!

Is it bad that I have to convince myself that Jason Marquis isn't the best hitter in our line-up every fifth day?

Dumpster butt

Dempster's first start of the season started out horribly, but he settled down--somehow--and got a win. Things looked bad in the beginning, but he was able to shut down the Brewers effectively.

I don't understand how, though. He was a shitty starter everywhere else he played, and he was a shitty closer last year. I'm very nervous about him being in our rotation; most of all, I'm nervous that he is potentially our 2nd best starter. Yikes.

Hopefully, beginning today, Rich Hill can show that he is our second best pitcher, and beat the 'stros. Also, is Lieber not one of our starters anymore? Did I miss something?

That experiment's over

Theriot is back in the 2-hole. I guess us losing two straight games was all Lou needed to see.

Soriano promptly whiffed on ball four to lead-off the game.

Sweet.