Given the hubbabelou that has been the last night’s game, I will offer some slight asides that give new flavor to this blog. You can call me Red – you’ll eventually call me an asshole – be it either way. Welcome to my offerings. Realize that any comments or reactive posts will be met will vitriol and crushing reproach, I welcome your thoughts. LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
Losing the Scent
I consider the idea of cologne slightly archaic. I know of only two reasons to wear cologne – 1 – Most prominent by a wide margin, is to cover up another awkward smell {worm} I’m talking to you directly and – 2 – A first date in which it’s the neck and the crotch being splashed. I consider number two hopeful, but effective if the Applebee’s and the Long Island Ice Tea play the role they’re supposed to at such a reasonable price.
But beyond these occasions I find limited the occasion to slap on the smooth sophistication that is the Agua Velva – from here on out referred to as deep blue. Though it’s color great and the timing and sponsorship during a UK basketball game seems apropos, I have doubts. Seriously, when was the last occasion when you thought, “I really need to impress in this situation, what can I do to send me Over the Top – ala a steroid ripped trucker named Stallone – and just wow the crowd!?” I guarantee you that the answer is not deep blue. It’s not a complicated calculation, it’s not a great chess match.
I would reserve the greatest reaction to the commercial in the representation of this scent of yesteryear being passed down from one generation to the next. The imagined exchange was implied in the commercial, but should truly play out as below:
Dad – [Casually standing in front of the bathroom mirror with his son] “You know, son, I remember the time I shaved just before my first date with your mother. Deep blue gave me the confidence I needed.”
Son – [Wiping off the remnants of his first shave] “Really, you were nervous? I mean, I guess mom was hot back in the day?”
Dad – [Looking back and to the left with bravado, an assurance of confidence] “Hot. And loose like a caboose on greased rails. [Grabbing his crotch through the towel draped around his waist and adjusting slightly.] “My flaming skull tattoo was what gave her the vapors I’m sure, but deep blue didn’t hurt either.”
Son – [Looking unsure and more than slightly unnerved] “Um, dad I don’t think I’m comfortable…” [Turning towards the bathroom door to leave]
Dad – [Pulling on the son’s right arm to keep him in the “moment”] “That’s the key son. Finding the girl that loves the boys and being the man she’ll love the most. That and I banged her like a drum the rest of the night. Thanks to Scrapper at Scraps Tats and Piercings and, maybe, I guess, even deep blue. Mostly Scrapper, though and this sick tat!”
Now, if that was the way the commercial finished out, I ensure you Axe would have nothing on deep blue. Hell, I’d buy the shit in bulk from Costco and give myself a post-shower rinse. However, this is not the reality. This is an imagination that will live in cyberspace, pass through the advertising agency, with which they can only respond by saying, “Well, we thought about that, but, eh, we’re a wholesome brand.” Wholesome, maybe, dying probably even more so. Find it at Walgreens for $1.00. I see it as only slightly more compelling as cologne than it is to a dire-need-of-a-fix to bummed-out alcoholics. When the liquor store is closed and Thunderbird was your go-to, smelling up your insides comes as only a slight distraction for that sweet decline.
So deep blue, realize that your adverts are a waste of time and money. If you realize the scenario above and remove some of the familial implications – you might have a winner on your hands. Otherwise, it’s the same shit you put on your neck and balls when you want to cover up the smell of weed or when you try to get laid by a cheap, dirty, very dirty whore!
She Does More Than Turn it Off and On
There is one true quantifiable understanding of love between and man and a woman. Not to be derogatory, but the love between one man and another, or more tantalizing between two women is inherently different. [Dudes understand instinctively and lesbians don’t care…] No, the greatest display a woman can have for her man is being able to operate his remotes.
We can step back for a second and look at the offerings from Best Buy. The new age Universal Remote, that falls/fails into one of two categories – A – Too expensive or – B – Requires a PhD to setup. Either way, the one controller solution is nullified and tossed out like when she thought your collection of novelty bobble-heads were childish and inappropriate for the guest bedroom.
No, true love is measured when the four remotes sitting on the ottoman are no less mysterious to her than your go-to move after the 500th performance. She understands them both intimately and their connection – hopefully her ultimate pleasure.
Losing the Scent
I consider the idea of cologne slightly archaic. I know of only two reasons to wear cologne – 1 – Most prominent by a wide margin, is to cover up another awkward smell {worm} I’m talking to you directly and – 2 – A first date in which it’s the neck and the crotch being splashed. I consider number two hopeful, but effective if the Applebee’s and the Long Island Ice Tea play the role they’re supposed to at such a reasonable price.
But beyond these occasions I find limited the occasion to slap on the smooth sophistication that is the Agua Velva – from here on out referred to as deep blue. Though it’s color great and the timing and sponsorship during a UK basketball game seems apropos, I have doubts. Seriously, when was the last occasion when you thought, “I really need to impress in this situation, what can I do to send me Over the Top – ala a steroid ripped trucker named Stallone – and just wow the crowd!?” I guarantee you that the answer is not deep blue. It’s not a complicated calculation, it’s not a great chess match.
I would reserve the greatest reaction to the commercial in the representation of this scent of yesteryear being passed down from one generation to the next. The imagined exchange was implied in the commercial, but should truly play out as below:
Dad – [Casually standing in front of the bathroom mirror with his son] “You know, son, I remember the time I shaved just before my first date with your mother. Deep blue gave me the confidence I needed.”
Son – [Wiping off the remnants of his first shave] “Really, you were nervous? I mean, I guess mom was hot back in the day?”
Dad – [Looking back and to the left with bravado, an assurance of confidence] “Hot. And loose like a caboose on greased rails. [Grabbing his crotch through the towel draped around his waist and adjusting slightly.] “My flaming skull tattoo was what gave her the vapors I’m sure, but deep blue didn’t hurt either.”
Son – [Looking unsure and more than slightly unnerved] “Um, dad I don’t think I’m comfortable…” [Turning towards the bathroom door to leave]
Dad – [Pulling on the son’s right arm to keep him in the “moment”] “That’s the key son. Finding the girl that loves the boys and being the man she’ll love the most. That and I banged her like a drum the rest of the night. Thanks to Scrapper at Scraps Tats and Piercings and, maybe, I guess, even deep blue. Mostly Scrapper, though and this sick tat!”
Now, if that was the way the commercial finished out, I ensure you Axe would have nothing on deep blue. Hell, I’d buy the shit in bulk from Costco and give myself a post-shower rinse. However, this is not the reality. This is an imagination that will live in cyberspace, pass through the advertising agency, with which they can only respond by saying, “Well, we thought about that, but, eh, we’re a wholesome brand.” Wholesome, maybe, dying probably even more so. Find it at Walgreens for $1.00. I see it as only slightly more compelling as cologne than it is to a dire-need-of-a-fix to bummed-out alcoholics. When the liquor store is closed and Thunderbird was your go-to, smelling up your insides comes as only a slight distraction for that sweet decline.
So deep blue, realize that your adverts are a waste of time and money. If you realize the scenario above and remove some of the familial implications – you might have a winner on your hands. Otherwise, it’s the same shit you put on your neck and balls when you want to cover up the smell of weed or when you try to get laid by a cheap, dirty, very dirty whore!
She Does More Than Turn it Off and On
There is one true quantifiable understanding of love between and man and a woman. Not to be derogatory, but the love between one man and another, or more tantalizing between two women is inherently different. [Dudes understand instinctively and lesbians don’t care…] No, the greatest display a woman can have for her man is being able to operate his remotes.
We can step back for a second and look at the offerings from Best Buy. The new age Universal Remote, that falls/fails into one of two categories – A – Too expensive or – B – Requires a PhD to setup. Either way, the one controller solution is nullified and tossed out like when she thought your collection of novelty bobble-heads were childish and inappropriate for the guest bedroom.
No, true love is measured when the four remotes sitting on the ottoman are no less mysterious to her than your go-to move after the 500th performance. She understands them both intimately and their connection – hopefully her ultimate pleasure.
[A quick analysis of my own conundrum. The TV remote is basically worthless, unless it is connected to the Cable remote for the simple On/Off function. But, becomes essential for the actual channel change to find the auxiliary functions – Cable 1, Local, BlueRay, Game and possibly Satellite (if you’re an asshole with too much money and will never find the time to watch it all, but like having the choice if you did.) There may be slight association to the tonal image – Movie, Sports or Gaming system if she hasn’t thrown that out as well. However, if you’ve bought a Wii recently for the “fun of it” and how cool it is to “jam” with friends, play tennis or hit the lanes together, you might want to consider shooting yourself in the head right now! This is the saddest reality beyond the fucking body blanket and the lowest point you’ll find beyond the Marinara’s Trench.
Next follows the receiver, which will allow you to enjoy the 5.1 stereo surround sound of any of these fine product choices. Sound quality is further augmented by the precise quality and resonance dictated, again by the requirement. The rest are a simple cascade to the BlueRay, Satellite remote, Game controller – On/Off, fast forward, rewind, pause, channel up/down, etc.]
I know this sounds complicated and I ensure you that it is, but if she can understand it – latch on to her like grim death. Understand that it’s not that she wants to know how this symphony is conducted, but she has studied your maneuvers, your gesticulations within the juggling art and she appreciates it. That, or she wants to understand how to watch Matthew McConaughey bare-chested in digital perfection married to the subtle sounds of his pecks flexing – fill-in your own romantic comedy movie here – Kate Hudson or Penelope Cruz are a good jumping off point! Nevertheless she understands.
In the end, whether it is the TV remote or your own that she is playing with; she likes it and likes what it does for her. If Sony was so smart they’d figure out how to marry the Rabbit and an easy to use Universal Remote. God help us if they do, because we’d all be out of a job and playing with our own remotes endlessly!
Next follows the receiver, which will allow you to enjoy the 5.1 stereo surround sound of any of these fine product choices. Sound quality is further augmented by the precise quality and resonance dictated, again by the requirement. The rest are a simple cascade to the BlueRay, Satellite remote, Game controller – On/Off, fast forward, rewind, pause, channel up/down, etc.]
I know this sounds complicated and I ensure you that it is, but if she can understand it – latch on to her like grim death. Understand that it’s not that she wants to know how this symphony is conducted, but she has studied your maneuvers, your gesticulations within the juggling art and she appreciates it. That, or she wants to understand how to watch Matthew McConaughey bare-chested in digital perfection married to the subtle sounds of his pecks flexing – fill-in your own romantic comedy movie here – Kate Hudson or Penelope Cruz are a good jumping off point! Nevertheless she understands.
In the end, whether it is the TV remote or your own that she is playing with; she likes it and likes what it does for her. If Sony was so smart they’d figure out how to marry the Rabbit and an easy to use Universal Remote. God help us if they do, because we’d all be out of a job and playing with our own remotes endlessly!
2 comments:
wow...so lemme get this straight...Red just went on a rambling diatribe about aqua velva and remote controls, and i am the one who smokes too much weed? what? wait...i forgot what we were talking about.
Hey guys. Oh, big gulps huh? All right! Well, see ya later.
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