Basically, Just Me Bitching In Real-Time

The best way to describe this UK team is through the power of metaphor: these Cats are like a teenager. One day, the teenage son, of whom you're so proud, gets caught taking bong rips and listening to Zappa with that fucking kid that always looked like trouble to you. Now, you don't love the little shit less, you just can't look at him the same. Maybe in a few years, when he proves that he's not a douche bag. But not now...not as long as he hangs out with that creep.

You can guess who the "creep" is in that scenario. OK, I'll give it away. It's Sean.

Hey, if you're on-board with this damn thing, let's get some comments going! It's much easier that way. (I'll delete this request when the game ends and there are like three comments, and one from that spammer who offered me a scooter.)

I don't think we're going to win, and my incessant bitching will be public. Still, Calathes will have a field day if Porter is matched up against him. So, in the words of Principal Skinner: "Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong."

***

You know, I've always seen games in the Big 10 with a final score of 50-47, I guess I've just never thought about the actual execution of such a game. This MSU/Michigan is god-awful.

If you need help killing time before the Cats, watch this. Sure, the body of work in that game is amazing. Raucous crowd, stifling D, Matt Walsh and Roberson shitting themselves; but watch some of the plays. See Hawkins locate Estill well-positioned on the intermediate break. Watch our defense switch, help, and pressure the ball relentlessly. Watch us hit fucking shots.

Thank goodness that shit-show is over. Oh god, our game's about to start. See you at the under 16!

Sorry, me again. Hubert says we have a chance!

6-4, 15:24 1st half

OK, we've learned some things: Stevenson can't pass, Stevenson can rebound (all of a sudden), Harris is awful. Oh, and Meeks is good. And if I have to tell Steph who #5 is one more time...

We look OK. A little lost on offense, but fine. Bick's boy needs to get his shit together under the basket. He can't be missing jump hooks from that close. Especially since we rarely get the ball to him down low.

12-6 Gators, 11:08

The turnovers never cease being frustrating. How are we still this shaky with the ball in February?

Porter just went to the basket parallel to the ground, backwards, and got a block call. No matter, as he bricks two free throws.

Calathes is very good. And if we don't figure out how to a) hang on to the ball, b) stop the ball after we turn it over, and c) fucking score, this will be a blowout.

News flash: Ramon Harris and Michael Porter shouldn't play. This is fixin' to get ugly. Or even fugly.

22-18 Cats, 5:29

Ooh, Dykes in the tracksuit. Me likey.

That's a good play off a timeout! "Hey, inbounder, just chuck it in. No one defends these. Go!"

Fuck it, I'll take some banked threes at this point. And a Stevenson J. We're back!

Well, nevermind. Calathes is tough...and 4 inches taller than Porter...who can shoot! This is turning into an actual basketball game!

You know, Porter made a bad pass. But could Stevenson be any slower to the ball? It's like every player has one quirk that creates turnovers, and together, their a well-oiled mistakery machine.

Meeks is having some shot selection issues and still no Liggins. Hell, would you pull Galloway and Porter at this point?

Speaking of non-scorers sticking it, Porter's wife is pregnant.

Hey, is it easier if I just post sentence by sentence? This feels disjointed still.

26-22 Cats, 3:10

That's a great shot late in the shot clock for Patterson. He has to score there. And Galloway is awesome. Whoops., spoke too soon. Still, he's going to have "growing pains" because he never fucking plays.

Memo to Cat fans in Rupp: pump fakes are legal. Other than that, I love the zeal.

Question: was our press break just now Porter and Stevenson against four? That won't work.

30-30 at half

And 14 turnovers later, Liggins is in. I tell ya, Bick couldn't have been more wrong about Patterson thus far.

That rebound by Galloway on the baseline that led to the Harrellson three was something that we haven't had this season. I am officially on the Galloway bandwagon.

Block on Calathes: awesome. Jodie being Jodie on the break: predictable, and not awesome. Not locating Calathes: pathetic and sad. Again, we take a lead, and let it slip away immediately.

Thank god for Calathes' relentless hustle and quick hands!

We are clanging some free throws. Jeez.

Well, that could have been shittier.

Oh wow, Jeannine's got some balls. And Gillispie is again a dick, and not answering the questions. "Take away his vision?" Like, blind him?

Wow, he's a total dick. And was stopping Calathes not a priority? He needs to learn how to first, speak, and second, speak to the media. It's not hard, and it's not bullshit questions. Just answer them.

Here, lemme teach ya:

Jeannine: Coach, Calathes is better and smarter than everyone on your team. Why can't your dipshit staff figure that out?
Gillispie: Well, dadgumit, he's a great player and he's gonna get his points. We need to find him and transition and keep him away from the basket in the half court. But, like I said, he's one of the best player's in this league. We just need to keep him under control.

That's embarrassing. He is only advancing the KY-is-a-bunch-of-backwards-assholes theory. What a sore fucking loser...even when he hasn't yet lost. Have some class, fuckhead.

As we all know, these first four minutes will tell the story. Don't worry if you forgot, Dykes will surely remind you. Patterson needs to get going, which means we need people who can get him the ball...like Liggins and Miller and Galloway. Yay Galloway!

38-35 Gators, 15:56

Well, Calathes begins the half wide open. Maybe Billy should listen to Jeannine and pay attention to him.

Oh no, Harris has three! What will we do??? Good god, Harris just let Calathes walk to the basket. He's out of fucking control...get him out. Why is he shooting so much?

Is Dykes referring to "when to whoa and when to go" right now?

Hey, Stevenson, that was awesome. Do that for the rest of the game. No, not that. As per usual, Stevenson reverses our fortune.

How is a tall, white guy a bad free throw shooter?

Wait, what the fuck is happening? Ahhh!!!...he did that shit...on accident...maybe...well, maybe not. He's tossed. Interesting...No, he did that on purpose. What a douche. Gotta love Porter, mixin' it up!

Ya know, Jeannine, it's not hard to see a 6'9'' human laying on the floor. He did it on purpose. He can act all benevolent after he realizes that he got caught. Fuck him. Let's get a mean on. (Editor's note: we won't get a mean on. We'll roll over like we usually do.)

50-47 Cats, 9:23

Well, Ramon is over-matched. And he's our "defensive stopper?"

Is Patterson hurt? He's playing awfully bad.

Seriously, what else needs to be seen? Start the guy over Harris. Well, that was a questionable pass.

Jesus, he's tough. I take it all back, Harris. He's beating everyone. And what the fuck is Dykes talking about "best game face?" That belongs to Bob Knight.

Meeks needs to learn how to take good shots. Like Porter, who's pure, all of a sudden. Or Calathes, I suppose.

Again, Galloway can play. I feel like I can talk all the shit I want, too, because I've been calling for him all season.

Thanks to Disney, I see that Calathes is owning Stevenson.

Porter just flailed a rebound to Patterson.

Whoa, we're winning. Meeks just flailed a lay-up to Patterson. This is bonkers!

54-52, 7:19

Patterson's hurt. Fuck.

Well, shit, let's show UF how tough we are, Billy. And I'm not patronizing you. I'm serious. This is where toughness actually matters.

You know what, dammit? Just fucking win.

Ew, we put them on the line awfully early.

Meeks can't hit shit. Wow, Harrellson's aggressive, that's for sure. And noodlin's for UL QB douche bag losers. Not Harrellson!

60-56 Gators, 3:19

Just tie it up tight, so you can't feel anything...

Look, guys, we can't keep putting Calathes on the line, especially when he's dribbling 30 feet from the basket. And, Perry, great board, but you don't have to shoot in the post.

I predict a Willis Reed-esque return for Patterson.

Whoa, what a bail-out. OK, guys, let's figure this shit out. Make your damn free throws.

We need to tighten up defensively and rebound. I know it's hard without Patterson, but we have to do something.

A Stevenson three is not what we needed there.

Guys, seriously, can we shade other defenders on him? He's dominating everyone.

We get it, Nick Calathes called you sir. Stop telling the story, please.

Too many damn passes. I find it nearly impossible to pull out a win here, men. I hope I'm wrong.

64-63 Gators, 1:17

My, the comments section is getting a little chippy.

Oh dear, we needed that, Jodie.

I hate to be that guy, but that was a cheap foul on Harrellson against Parsons.

A toughness battle, eh!

OK, time for the Meeks show.

Grrrrrrrr...again, cheap foul.

Jesus. Oh man, that 3 from Meeks looked good.

Well, it's pants-shittin' time. I like our line-up here.

65-65, 29 seconds

Jeez, Nessler. Calling Parsons' three a little quick.

Oh great, Jodie's hurt.

Pure fucking clutch. Meeks is awesome.

Ohhhh wow. A foul. Wow. OK. Wow. Just, really? A foul? That was a rugby scrum.

Well, Jodie takes this shot from anywhere.

12 seconds

Oh dear. someone other than Jodie may have to take the shot...

68-65 Cats win.

Holy fuck! Double holy fuck. Well, Christ.

Fuck you, game face. Love it. I love Calathes as a player, I really do. And he seems all class. But he's shitting the bed. Aw dammit, I kind of feel bad for the guy. Still, he wasn't fouled.

You know what, though, the ball never fucking lies.

As a post script, I'd like to say that Calathes' final miss was my favorite. Just a missile into the glass. We'll talk more tomorrow.