He HAWKED on my burger...

I'm sure we all remember the scene from Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd and Harry are in the diner. Remember how Lloyd just cowers there whilst Sea Bass comes over and punks out Harry? I imagine Peter Farrelly, pre shoot, coaching Jim Carrey

" now your motivation here is complete and total fear...imagine that you someday have to make a sequel to "The Mask"...too scary? Okay, your only concern is getting out of this diner in one piece."

I think about that scene, then I think about Bud Selig. The similarities between the commissioner and the "We Got Worms" boys actually extends past the apparently negligible IQs and the four dollar haircuts. On Monday, A-Rod was like Harry in the diner. He was scared shitless, having to face the music all alone, for he alone lost control of the salt (in this case a metaphor for his poor decision to apparently take Juan Gonzalez as a career role model). Anyway, in both instances Harry/A Rod each got reamed by stupid, inbred rednecks (Sea Bass/Roy Oswalt).

And, if you recall, Lloyd's next line to Harry is "boy, you really wimped out". He says this despite the fact that when given the opportunity to step up and do something to change his untenable situation, Lloyd just punks out and cowers, pointing his finger at Harry, while steadfastly avoiding eye contact with Sea Bass, or the members of his incest posse (again, here I just wanna remind you, Roy Oswalt is an uncle fucker). Lloyd has the audacity to accuse Harry of being a pussy, while ignoring the fact that his own lack of action makes him every bit the pussy that Harry is. You guys see where I am going with this? (That's right, fuck Roy Oswalt, but there's more!)

I would love to say that Bud Selig is a moron, but he's not. He's a lawyer, and a very rich and successful one at that. This fact makes it even more mind boggling that Selig could ever think that this whole steroids thing would just blow over. It is a cliche' by now to say that Selig buried his head in the sand for the first what seven or eight years of the so called steroid era? Still, the fact remains that for whatever reason, Selig chose to just look the other way for as long as he could get away with.

Now, A-Rod, the supposed great hope of baseball is forced to go public and admit that he used something. Like five years ago. Back when it was not illegal in baseball. And this silly bitch has the nerve to say, initially that Rodriguez would be punished for this. For allegedly failing an allegedly anonymous test, that was somehow leaked by somebody, multiple years after the fact. It seems to me that is an awfully big Pandora's box to be opened by such a pussy.

Let's not forget that Selig's big ideas for change in baseball was the winner of the All Star Game gets home field in the playoffs. This guy is no Judge Landis, he's not even Judge Reinhold. He's not even Judge Reinhold when he was playing himself on Arrested Development. Selig saying he was gonna punish A-Rod for this is akin to Robin Ventura saying that he could have taken Nolan Ryan, he just felt bad for the old coot. Nobody even comes close to believing that bullshit. Am I the only one who perceives a difference between tough penalties for J.C. Romero, and the now decade-long maypole dance that Selig, Fehr and Orza have been doing around the bulbous head of Barry Bonds?

And now this morning, no doubt to the relief of A-Rod, the reluctant but fair commissioner has decreed that he shall show mercy to the once golden-boy. I guess the loss of his status as baseball's chosen one is punishment enough? Selig would have us to believe that he chose to cease punishing Rodriguez once his status as the Icarus of MLB was cemented. Like he had some other heavy-handed recourse in mind, but opted to go with mercy. Obviusly Selig never heeded the words of Geddy Lee, becasue in choosing not to decide, Selig has consistently mistaken this for making a choice (RUSH-Free Will-Neil Peart is a f-ing GOD).

I guess it makes sense. I mean I know I could not live with myself if I knew that I had squandered the chance to restore the integrity of today's sullied game back to what it was in the glory days of the Black Sox, segregation, the rampant alcoholism of Whitey and the Mick, Fidrych pitching whilst trippin his balls off, the spitball, the vaseline ball, the nail-filed ball, or the cocaine addled days of Doc and the Straw? Let's not forget the union letting J.R. Richard die a homeless addict living under a bridge, Pete Rose, John Rocker, and those original Diamondback's uniforms.

Selig is never slow to remind anyone who will listen that he inherited this problem. Steroids were in baseball before his tenure as commisioner began, and their influence will no doubt out live most of us who call ourselves fans today. In no way does that exonerate Selig of any guilt for his consistent inaction. Gambling existed pre-1919, but Landis never cried that it was not his fault that the Sox fixed the series. I cannot help but view the detached and self servicing brand of "leadership" that the heads of baseball have provided in these times as being the true legacy of steroids in baseball, because just like in that diner, everybody is now just trying to protect their own asses at any and all costs.