Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

This is the Sound of...

...me being a loser. Lose with me. Not UK, though, no. You guys win.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Tomorrow...

Even though I don't think anyone's going to read between now and then, I'm going to live-blog the IU-UK shitshow alone. Because everyone sucks. Maybe Beisner will join; but I haven't asked him yet. I don't care. I'm tired of watching games with no one to talk to (L.J. and Steph are like talking to...well, a dog and a chick).

So, if you's around, hang out. I'll fucking do it alone, though. Watch me. Er, re-watch me.

This Kind of Funny

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Bowl Season, Kiddos!

Hey, I'll do that bowl outline thingie again this year...but not today. When do they start? Soon? Oh well. I'll maybe do the first half tomorrow.

As for the live-blog Saturday, you guys are cocks. Beisner may be on board, though he's yet to respond to that email so probably not. I hope you enjoy your stupid little Xmas party that I was going to come to until my teacher changed the date of my final.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Funniest Shit Ev'

I don't really have anything to say about our gargantuan win over MVSU, so I thought I'd share this instead.

As you know, Fire Joe Morgan was easily, easily the funniest blog on the webs. Yeah, funnier than Sports Pickle, and that takes a lot. Well, they shut it down recently, b/c they have jobs or whatever, and I decided to go back and read some old stuff. I forgot about this one. Please read it; good gracious, it's hilarious.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Michael Porter=Will Scott, You Clueless Fuck

I don't know how to properly channel my frustration, so this should be interesting.

Michael Porter: I like the guy. I think he plays hard and can do some things well. And I want to be completely clear in saying that I blame him for nothing. He does his best, and he's a solid player.

Apparently, Billy Gillispie fucking hates him. (Hi-yo! Plaschke-esque misdirection, bitches!) Why is he put in a position of failure every game? Is it stubbornness? Sheer stupidity? Seriously, someone tell me. What could possibly be occurring in these practices? On what fucking galaxy is Porter a better point guard option than DeAndre Liggins? Wait, easier question: Why is Porter playing point guard, ever? That is not his position.

Michael Porter is a spot up shooter. His job is to enter games, run off screens, and basically occupy a defender. He doesn't even need to score; he just needs to spell Meeks and Miller for 6-8 minutes a game. He should never, and I can't stress this enough, guard Jack motherfuckin' McClinton man-to-man. Ever.

Listen, Billy. I don't give a shit how gritty you are, a slow white guy cannot guard a quick guard. It's humanly impossible. And Porter busts his ass. He does. Everyone on the team does. UK is a lot of crappy things this year, they are not quitters. You succeeded, in that regard. They're tough. Now, teach them how to incorporate Patrick Patterson into an offense. That shouldn't be difficult.

We've been firmly mediocre the last few years. However, I've never been more frustrated watching a team than I am this year. And Liggins is not impervious in this realm. He does some stupid shit. He's a freshman; he'll learn. But when guys are lost on both ends of the floor (or out of position, altogether), that's on you.

Short version: Why are shooters open so much? And, can you teach Stevenson to not be such a gash?

I don't want to sound melodramatic, but you're doing your team a disservice. You know, the guys who got up at 6 all summer for boot camp. The guys who would run through a fucking wall for you. And I know you love your players. Shit, you cry all the damn time about them. Then why are you doing this to them?

I want to say you're the man for this job, Billy. I really, really, really want to. I want to look at the box score of today's game and say, "Aw shucks, we're coming along, at least!" I can't. We should have won this game. Miami is an OK team. We cannot continue spotting teams 8-10 point leads in the first 5 minutes of play.

Look, I guess my point is simple: starting Porter is batshit crazy. Call me a man of low-integrity, but Liggins could shit in my cereal and I'd start him over Porter. He gets a free pass.

I don't have to tell you that, though, do I?

Jed's a Douche

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Liggins' Defiance Saved Our Season!

Thanks, D! Without your dick-holery, we'd still be clanging around, looking for an offense!

I kid. Of course I love Liggins and think that, since he's good, he should be able to do whatever he desires. And hell, where/when did he learn to shoot so...so...effectively.

Was it me, or was that Lamar squad rife with assholes, including their coach? He gave Gillispie the ol' breeze-by after the game, that's for sure. Plus, one anus gunned the ball at Harrellson's junk. To Josh's credit, he calmly picked up the ball (which was dead), and deftly laid it in.

OK, that's it, for now. Join me and the others on KSR tomorrow night for some live-blog action, as Da Ville faces Rutgers for abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

Our Offense

Yeah, we should start posting again. The rigors of KSR have pulled me away, but the lack of redneck commenting (Tommy notwithstanding) has brought me back! With that, who's up for an illogical discussion of our offense? Alright, let's keep this modicum of momentum going! (That applies both to this blog and UK basketball.)

First, Louisville...ha. Pitino should kick Edgar Sosa off the team for agreeing to enter the game. Of course, UL will be in the mix come June. However, this group of dunderheads will find a way to blow it.

As for UK, we run a middle school offense. Seriously. We have two big-time scorers, and we choose to throw that ridiculous lob pass every play. It works on occasion, but it is also very easily defended. I've seen Patterson seal his man--he can do it, I promise. Plus, I think he is much better scoring with his back to the basket anyway. He also has a great face-up game from like 18 feet and in. Lob passes are stupid; they're fine with Harrellson, but we look like a team that knows only one play. And I hate to be the person who says this, but that play is a rolled ankle waiting to happen. A spazzy little guard is going to slip into the post, and Patterson is going to land on his foot. Don't blame me...


I don't really understand the complete lack of an inside-outside game with Meeks and Patterson. I doubt that we will continue running this play as often as we did in Vegas. And I think it's a good piece to have in our offense; I just think we need other stuff too. Like, anything. I've never seen a team beat a formidable opponent without EVER initiating an offense. OK, we ran an offense late, but it was ugly.


Last thing, I've considered live-blogging the games again. I don't know if I will or not. However, we can use the high-fallutin' software that we use on KSR, so Train, Jed, Tommy, and whoever else can all contribute in real time. It would be like watching the game together, without having to smell one another. Plus, Tommy's constant positive panderings are probably much more tolerable in text.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

In all fairness to Coach P

A lot of times, my buddies and I (Tommy) like to make fun of Ricky's ostentatiously bold claims about all thing Louisville (i.e. Marvin Stone will be a lottery pick, Palacios will be better than Mashburn). But, our boy Billy G will not be outdone.

Here's his quote about the new darling of Lexington, Deandre Liggins, after his game against West Vagina (sp?):

Gillispie said Liggins' game against WVU -- four points, three assists and two rebounds -- was the "best we have seen maybe in the two years that I have been here as far as a commander at the position."

I'm all about intangibles, but Ramel had at least one better game than that. Obviously, he's trying to pump up his prima donna frosh, but I always thought that this type of bravado was only necessary in the Derby City. Apparently, I was wrong.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Man Crush Continues Through the Offseason



I wonder how many angry Philly basketball fans broke their TV's when they tuned in expecting to see "Meet the Sixers."

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Tim McCarver, at Least For a Fleeting Moment, is the Opposite of the Opposite of Smart

Yeah, that's right, fuck you Bick.

Last night, McCarver went straight Moneyball logic. No shit. The scene: no outs, Eric Bruntlett on 2nd (running for Pat the Bat), and Shane Victorino at bat. Victorino squares to bunt, and McCarver, dissing conventional wisdom, channels Billy Beane/Bill James and says that Victorino should not bunt, because of who was batting behind him (Feliz and some other shit-ass...Ruiz, maybe). Regardless, McCarver actully took a progressive point of view! Huzzah!

I mean, how awful is it to watch your favorite team bunt a runner to second and then watch the fuckholes behind him whiff and pop out? It's like running a perfect fast break, only you leave the ball for the trailer, who turns out to be Beau Zach Smith. Hey, you did everything you were supposed to do.

I've been all for bunting; sometimes it's effective. However, it's insane to give away outs. Victorino ended up grounding out to the right side, moving the runner and allowing himself the opportunity for a knock. Feliz then singled, which would have score Bruntlett from second anyway.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Tim McCarver Is the Opposite of Smart

Did anyone watch the World Series last night? If you hung around until the top of the sixth, you would have witnessed his prognostications at their finest. BJ Upton gets to first, and Tim goes on and on and on about how muddy it is and Joe Buck jumps on board about how unfair that is for the base-stealing Rays. There's NO WAY Upton can steal in this weather, blah, blah, blah. Cole Hamels throws over about seven times, and the very next pitch, Upton steal second handily.

These commentators just say things to hear themselves sometimes.

Also, have you seen worse umpires?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I Think I May Just Post Videos From Now On

No, I'm kidding. I'll write again.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Why I Blog

As some of you may or may not know, I've been engaged in a research project about blogging. It focuses mainly upon sports writing in general, but a lot of the discourse has veered towards what compels one to write random stupid shit into a box.

Today, I've found that reason, and I will reveal it to you. Thus, here is why I have a blog:

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I Stole This From FJM

I may just repost what they post, so you losers will see how awesome it is. Well, here's professional hitter Matt Stairs:



I feel that. See Alfonso, if you'd only hit in the playoffs, you'd have gotten your ass hammered too!

Go Cats, Go Vic

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Chip Caray Just Said...

...in reference to the Rays' start against grandpa Wakefield: "and a creative writing major couldn't of penned a better start!"

First of all, how long have you been sitting on that? Secondly, why? Third, if a creative writing major wrote a beginning to the Rays/Sox game, it would look more like this:

Setting: A brisk night in downtwon Boston. Tim, a man not short on years, enters the home players clubhouse 3 hours before the game's start.

Tim (to no one): It's perfect.
Francona: I'm sorry?
Tim: It's all...just so...damn perfect. The leaves, the grass, the passing of one season and the emergence of another.
Francona: Yup. Well, Josh's arm is sore, so you're gonna have to go tonight.
Tim: Symmetry.
Francona: I'm sorry?
Tim: It's just perfect. How can something so large, so vast, be so perfect.
Ortiz: My wang?
Tim: The earth, David. Have you ever wondered how the same season's dawn upon us at the same time each year? How? Why? It's perfect symmetry, and it's wondrous.
Francona: Well...the, um, game starts in a couple hours. Do you need to toss at all?

(Dustin Pedroia enters from the outdoors, baseball in hand.)

Pedroia: Check it out, cockbreaths. I figured out how to throw knuckleballs like douchey-shitshimself here. And mine got some wicked-fuck heat, biz-notches!

(Pedroia uncorks a wild throw, striking Tim in the head. Tim falls in a heap to his death.)

Alanis Morrissette: Ironic.
Francona: I'm sorry?

Scene.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Two Posts in an Hour? Whatever.

I hate to be a douche. Unfortunately, I'm awesome at it. USA Today column by Gary Thorne:
"There will be a baseball book written about this team in the not to distant future. There has to be. They have made baseball history in a most improbable season."

Really? The not "to" distant future? Look, I know I make errors on pretty much every post I do, but seriously, I don't have editors. It's one of the largest newspapers in the country with a nationwide circulation; proofread the sum'bitch.

Original article.

Look the Fuck Out...

...Brad Lidge is entering the game!!!!11!!1!11!!!!! If you're watching the playoffs right now, you would have seen a perfect case of Fox's over-graphicication (that's a fucking word) of sports, as they unveiled this crazy "Brad Lidge" package as he rolled out of the pen (he has subsequently given up two deep flies to the light hitting Dodgers).

Look, dude's having a good season, but seriously people. It's not like this guy is Mo Rivera. What is he, two years removed from Albert Pujols blasting a ball that has...just....now...........landed?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

A One Act Play: Starring Uncle Remus

So, when I arrived in Providence, Rhode Island Thursday night, T Dubs had already dipped HEAVILY into the spirits. In my attempt to play catch-up, I returned to LJ's place (if you don't know LJ, he is righteous) to watch sports with the guys and drink a couple bourbons. The conversation that occurred next is nearly verbatim, leaving Luc and me in near disbelief at the level of insanity that Uncle Remus had reached. This is a biographical work.

Uncle Remus into the Cough Syrup: A One-Act Play

Setting: LJ, T-dubs, and myself watching baseball highlights on ESPN while the bottom line is in full effect

Tommy:
Dude, that pitcher for the Dodgers must be pretty good.

Jed:
Which one?

Tommy: That guy named Lead.

Jed: You mean Wade. There's a middle reliever they have named Cory Wade.

Tommy: No, "Lead." I just saw him on the bottom line. Apparently, he's 2-0 for the series.

(Awkward pause. Luc and I look at one another, bewildered, once we realize Tommy isn't joking.)

LJ:
That means the Dodgers lead the series 2 games to none. Seriously?

Tommy: Oh, OK, I got it now!

(Tommy proceeds to pass out and dump his beer on his lap and the couch and floor.)

Curtain

Monday, October 6, 2008

Steve Rosenbloom: Will You Marry Me?

Please. Please. Please, read this. Please. It's short, and about Soriano being a hack. Last line: "Try getting more hits in the playoffs than Ryan Dempster, fella."

Rosenbloom is an awesome writer, and his blog is a must for all.

Do you think Soriano woke up Sunday morning, and was like, "Aw! Sliders! That's what they were!?"

Fear of Meltdown Leads to Meltdown

For the second straight season, the Cubs got swept in the playoffs by a shitty ol' team out west. Worse, for the second straight season, the Cubs abandoned the approach that made them so successful throughout the season, and did the home run thing. Every fucking batter went up trying to win the World Series with one gargantuan blast, and they all whiffed.

I hate to toy around with the notion of the curse, because curses don't exist. However, just like last year, it looked like the Cubs were a team waiting for the awful thing to happen. They played tight, because they're afraid of the curse rearing its head.

Play loose. They never did, and they got smoked. And Soriano sucks ass.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Exact Situation I did not Want

This is why Zambrano should start game 3. Now, if he does his patented blow-his-shit-lose-his-fucking-mind thing in the first couple of innings tonight, we go west down 2-0. I know he's our horse; I know he's emotional; but I would feel a lot more comfortable with Harden going tonight. Steady, controlled, and generally unhittable, it's unlikely that Harden would lay an egg.

Obviously, there is a very good chance that Zambrano will dominate tonight's game. The Dodgers scored more runs than they should have this entire series last night, so they're done with that.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

See...

MTSU is good at the Hail Mary. We were able to stop a team who is 50% with that play on the season. Why not just run three Hail Mary's every set of downs? They couldn't have done worse than they did last night.

I'm being serious.




Warning: This video will make you feel like you're at a rave.

Tone-Setter

Last night, I had a dream. It wasn't about racial harmony or anything, no. It was much more important. You know when you have awesome dreams and then you wake up, know the dream was awesome, but have absolutely zero recollection of what happened? It happens to me all the time. Anyway, last night I had an awesome dream, and I remember it. Well, most of it.

I was in the bleachers at Wrigley taking in game 1. Weird shit was happening everywhere, because it was a dream. But, I remember the first inning fairly clearly. We got our 3 outs (or whatever), and the Cubs came to bat. Soriano stepped up, the crowd was electric, and he went yard. The ball never landed and I woke up, but the place went nuts and the Dodgers were dejected.

So, why do I tell you this? Because I'm lonely and have no friends; why else would I have a blog? But also because it was a premonition. If Soriano goes yard to lead off the bottom of the first, I will shit my pants and the Cubs will drag the shitty Dodgers. If he doesn't, I'll continue delivering pizzas to fat asses because I'm working tonight. Mother fucker.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Good Start, Bick

Wow. That's the quickest yet. Fear not, loyal reader(s?), as a couple of classmates annoyed me enough to write a post about them.

So, school is easy. Now, if you know me, you know that I am not smart. Or, just read the other posts, I'll wait.

...

See, I'm a blowhard. But graduate school, as a general rule, is designed to be easy. Don't misunderstand me: the work is challenging and you have a lot of reading. However, it's nearly impossible to get bad grades. It's actually kind of a joke. Regardless, come to class with me.

In this particular class, we basically take notes off of an overhead and do in class assignments like 12 year olds. So, whatever. Well, one hippy chick decides that this class is so beneath her that she is going to knit instead of paying attention. You know who knits? Old people, because they are too feeble to move. If I were a teacher and someone leisurely knitted in my class, I'd make them fashion everyone a sweater, and then we'd all poop on the sweaters and set them on fire at her front door.

The story actually has little to do with the knitter and more to do with the chick who sits next to her. She comes in all sad and shit, our teacher asks what's wrong, and she babbles through all this pressure she's under. Remember, school's really easy and there are no attendance policies or punishments for not doing assignments. Still, she's sooooo stressed. Soo stressed, in fact, that she begins crying in class. Like, awkward, loud sobs. She and the knitting freak bolted into the hallway so that she could sob somewhere that it echoed loudly, I guess. It was awesome.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Ripping Their Stupid Hearts Out

Every year as the baseball season wanes, I always think to myself, "Why don't the teams already in the playoffs just lie down for the teams that desperately need a win?" I found out last night...they're professionals and they're competitive as shit.

If you were fortunate enough to watch the pointless win (if you're a Cubs fan) or the gut-wrenching loss (Mets fan) on ESPN last night, you would see what I mean. The Mets had everything to play for, a huge lead early, and a runner on third for FIVE STRAIGHT INNINGS, and still couldn't win the game. The Cubs, conversely, sat around and played with their cocks, endured a pitiful outing by Big Z (who is impossible to watch when struggling), then basically said, "It's late and this game is dumb. I wanna go to the hotel and bang some Brooklyn skank," and knocked in three in the tenth. The Mets, again, snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, and watching their stupid, jerkoff fans file out, booing all the way, was awesome. The Mets suck and so do their fans (minus Jerry Seinfeld).

Still, the Cubs could have easily quit, let the run in, and given the Mets a much needed win, and been no worse for the wear. Instead, they hung around, scratched in a two-out run on a duck fart from D. Lee, and then Aramis drove the stake through their collective, subway-riding, pizza-folding, David Wright-sucking hearts. Why? Because no matter who is coaching that locker room full of gutless crybabies, they'll never get over their own pampered, whining veterans (I'm looking at you, Billy Wagner) who oddly aren't around when shit gets a little tight. It ain't the coach, Omar.

Muck the Fets.

P.S. Is there anyone outside of Chicago pulling for the douchey Chi Sox tonight?

The Name's "Bick"

And I'll be around from time to time. I was sick of nothing ever being on here, so hopefully two people with little initiative will lead to more posting than just one. Plus, you said three, and if you're counting Gavin or Higdon, it seems to me they said "bye bye" a looooong time ago.

Suck on that.

We're Adding Another Blogger

What's better than two lame-dick bloggers that do nothing? Three! Jed's joining the tribe. Anybody else want in?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Splitting Hairs

We're getting shit on in the Ryder Cup already, so I thought I would bitch about a Bozich article. Good stuff!

A few days ago, Bozich wrote an article about K-State being the first team to "fatten up" on shitty teams, this occurring under Bill Snyder. Fine. Good, even. Bozich argues that K-State started this trend, blah blah blah, whatever. Boring article, sure, but sensical, and well-reasoned....except....

Bill Snyder doesn't coach K-State anymore. Bozich acknowledges this, yet he still accuses them of being a bunch of patsy-scheduling bitches. Let's go to the video tape!...I mean, Internet...

K-State pre-Ron Prince non-conference scheduling (since '02)

2002
WKU
Louisiana-Monroe
Eastern Illinois
#5 USC (anamoly, I trust...I believe Bozich!)

2003
Cal (sigh)
Troy
McNeese State
UMass
Marshall
Um...OK....that's actually pretty decent

2004
WKU
Fresno State
Louisiana-Lafayette
OK, bunch of pussies

2005
FIU
Marshall
North Texas
Pussies, again

Under Ron Prince

2006
Illinois State
Marshall
FAU
Da Ville

2007
Auburn
Missouri State
San Jose State
Fresno State

2008
North Texas
Montana State
Da Ville
Louisiana-Lafayette

OK, so their scheduling is, in fact, been fairly stout out of conference in the last several years. While Bozich had a good point, accusing Snyder of starting this trend, which I will not research, he fucks it up by accusing K-State of continuing the trend. This line: "a nonconference game against a team from a Bowl Championship Series conference, is a deviation from the Kansas State blueprint." Is it? It appears that K-State has played at least one BCS conference team a year since Prince took over.

Which brings me to another point. I don't care who started the patsy playin' schedule, it is batshit insane for a major conference team to schedule that tough out of conference. K-State plays four ranked teams in conference, two of whom are in the top 10, as well as Colorado. If you're in the Big 12, it is pointless to schedule Louisville, even. With the way college football determines a champion, playing teams that are good out of your conference is suicide. UGA may be the 2nd best team in the country...we probably won't see them in the championship. They play four teams in the Top 10.

Moral of the story: scheduling one team OOC is enough, unless there is a playoff. It's college football's fault teams don't want to play UL or Texas Tech or whatever. They aren't scared, exactly. They just aren't fucking stupid. It's a stupid, stupid, stupid argument. People even bitch about UK's non conference schedule. We play a strong OOC team every year, and the SEC. And, let's face it, we are playing for six wins. Why not schedule patsies? Honor? Fuck honor. I wanna get drunk in Shreveport.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

What Comcast Did to Me

Comcast, one of the largest cable corporations on Earth, does not offer ESPN 360 nor does it allow for people, like me and you, to order only a weekend of ESPN GamePlan. Therefore, last night forced me out of my shithole apartment and into a shithole BW3's to watch UK play Middle Tennessee. Luckily, there were no other big games last night, especially games involving an annoying fan base...

Shortly after my arrival, I ask the bartender (a fat chick), if they would have the UK-Middle Tennessee game. Naturally, she was clueless. She proceeded to ask the dude with the remote if they were getting the Michigan State game. He sauntered over to me with the bad news, "MSU already played, brah," he belted.

I, outfitted in a UK shirt and hat, replied that I wanted UK, not Michigan State.

"Who dey playin'?"

"Middle Tennessee."

"Who?"

Luckily, I'd done my research. "Middle Tennessee. Look, it's channel 789 on Directv." Again, more reason why the workers at BW's should just hand the fucking remote over.

"7-8-9. There ya gah, brah." Disaster averted. Now I sat watching the screen with a giant map on it for fifteen minutes as the OSU d-bags started rolling in DEEP.

As UK kicked off, it was pretty nice in the joint. I sat with my beer, flanked by an old man and a Mexican from L.A. He flips houses. Nice guy. Kid on the way! Old man, not so much...

Invariably, the old man felt the need to talk to me. It was bad from the beginning, as he started with a loud, raunchy joke about old people having sex. Of course, he had to scream the punch line: "voodoo penis my ass!" (For the record, the old moron fucked the joke up.)

I could sense tension mounting between he and the bartenders, and I realized that the old codger was on a short leash. Then, like any respectful senior citizen would do, he pointed to the chunky bartender and yelled, "this fat cunt won't serve me anymore beer!"

It was just me and the Mexican at kickoff. Kickoff! Thank God, now I have reason to ignore all these weirdos and just watch football and not worry about who sits around me or how many OSU fans there are. (<---foreshadowing) Of course, as the game started, I just glued my eyes to the set, let out an audible, "fall on the fucking ball!", and pretended like I was watching at home. Quickly, an aside about commercials (as if this had any semblence of order). When you're alone at a bar watching something, what do you do at commercials? Or, Jesus, halftime? Luckily, I had OSU-USC, but I still had to endure commercials. I mean, you have to watch them, or else you look like a psycho staring at your food. Anyway, I'm going to briefly discuss both the Hardee's fake restaurant commercial, as well as Pizza Hut's. I want to know why we can't watch the tape of people reacting this way:

Hardee's
Bearded man: What did you get?
Emo dude: I dunno, just a burger.
BM: It's, I mean, fucking gigantic. How are you gonna eat that? Did they give you utensils? It's like 3 inches thick.
ED: Yeah, I know. I just wanted a hamburger. I can barely lift this. Plus, it tastes like what I imagine a wet cow would taste like. I might actually be having a heart attack. And my hands are covered in ketchup. This is just awful.
-end-

Pizza Hut
Wacky New Yorkah who love pasta Italian Hey!: Whatchu got?
Douchey chick: MMMMmmmmm. The fettucine! I love fettucine.
NYer: Well, taste. Whatchu think.
DC: Ew. Wow. It's pretty heavy. Oh dear. My (fart) stomach is starting to hurt (fart fart). This is, aww, is this covered in mayonnaise?
-end-

Seriously, people. Fast food is shitty.

Anyway, by 745, the place was packed with OSU fans and they were annoying. I remained focused on the shitshow UK game--which, luckily was on the big screen opposite the USC-OSU game. The spoils of arriving early. I was clearly the only person there watching UK, so it got a little tense as the cavalcade of mistakes commenced. By the Hail Mary, all eyes were on the UK game--and me--and the place erupted after Douchey McTrippyfoot caught the pass and I spilled my water. Luckily, well, you know what happened.

Anyway, fuck you Comcast. Fuck you up your stupid ass.

Friday, September 12, 2008

How Did She Make it Through Middle School?

It's much funnier to assume that the author is actually a man named by a majority vote consisting of witless male chauvinists after said author wrote a bunch of wussy articles.

Poor gal.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Thanks, D-Bags!

Thanks Reds, for not blowing it and being your normally worthless and shitty selves.

Thanks Soriano, for belting a bunch of homeruns with a telephone pole.

You both are still collective assholes.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I Want to Stab My Own Balls

The Cubs are blowing it. The season's lost. Down 9-0 to the shitfuckity ball-less Reds. So this is rock bottom...

Thanks for getting us through 4 strong, Lilly and Lieber! You guys are a couple of fuck-tards. I have 4.5 painful innings still left to watch. Good Lord. I hope my TV explodes.

Hey, do you guys mind if I speak candidly? Good. I fucking despise, with every fiber of my being--fucking despise--Alfonso Soriano. What a worthless douche of a leadoff hitter. I should be respectful, though, he does hop like a fun boy when he catches pop flies.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

On Hunter and Da Ville

Boy, college football makes this a lot easier. A shitty Louisville team makes this fun. I will post ten times a day if they keep sucking like this.

Train, you're loyal; that's what I like about you. Honestly, though, Hunter Cantwell looks bad. Really, really bad. Like, kind of clueless and scared bad. I'm not going to start blathering about how bad he sucks after one game, however; even I am not that pre-judg...mental...? Is that a word? Anyway, did no one see this coming?

OK, let's assume he sucks. Well, he does kind of suck...but let's assume he sucks for the rest of the season. Now, think about Cantwell. He came out of Tilghman, Brooks pulled his scholly, and he walked on for the Cards. He had some big games--under Petrino--and he has a big arm. However, he really had zero experience, and people starting christening him as the best returning QB in the country. And not just the psychotic fringe of shitheads on ITV--like Mel fucking Kiper and Todd McShay. How are they so wrong?

I guess the answer is: they're not. Hunter is a talented QB, with good size and strength. Unfortunately, he is surrounded by zero experienced receivers, and his draft status will likely suffer. It will truly be interesting to see how his season turns out.

Oh, and for the record, I have always been skeptical of Cantwell's abilities. We'll see what he can do, I guess.

As for the Cards, I will say that this fall was inevitable. It doesn't happen often where the top HS school player in the country comes out of your hometown--for UL, two of the best were in the same class...I think...maybe it was consecutive years, but you get the point. That, coupled with Petrino, equals lightning in a bottle. I (don't) hate to say it, but that's never coming back.

Monday, September 1, 2008

What We Learned

I feel like being an asshole. Here's a list of the UL skill players on offense, as well as some others, and what we now know about them.

Hunter Cantwell: A generally shitty, overhyped quarterback with a great arm. Unfortunately, three years of speculation and hype came to a boil yesterday, and he completely shit the bed. Although he only played in a couple of games under Petrino, he benefitted most from that system. Should've gone pro last year...seriously.

He does, however, have time to turn it around and not look so pathetically terrible. I have faith in him, especially since his receivers suck so much ass.

Bilal Powell: A generally shitty, overhyped running back with great speed. Had a good game last year against...someone, and was christened the answer to the Cards' running game. Unfortunately, for UL fans, he runs like a total bitch. Kind of like Rafael Little, without the talent.

Peter Nochta: You know, this guy was not that fucking awful. He sucked, to be sure, but I expected "awful" to "fucking God-awful" for sure with this guy. I think he had a few catches. Slower than shit, though.

Doug Beaumont: UL's best offensive skill player, and that includes everyone's favorite "noodler." Fast, elsusive, and pretty much one of the few guys playing like he had a pair on UL's offense, Beaumont made almost every catch that he had to--even those in traffic.

Chris Vaughn: Holy fucking non-existent. This guy blows.

Brock Bolen: Worst starting running back in 1-A? Maybe. Either him or Tony Dixon. Anyway, seriously....seriously. Please, for the love of football, make him your douch-ey, change of pace back. I mean, he's a pretty weak bruiser.

Troy Pascley: Literally had a TD pass hit his numbers. I've seen grade school players with better hands.

Vic Anderson: If he is not UL's feature back this season, I'd be surprised. He ran hard, he didn't fear the defense like Powell did, and he can make people miss. Also looks pretty solid catching the ball out of the backfield.

Josh Chichester: Apparently, this chief is like 12 feet tall--and pretty darn good. He may end up having a big year for the Cards.

Eric Wood: Slower than Myron Pryor. He's also unable to block Myron Pryor.

Chris Philpott: Laughably bad at kicking. Missed the dog shit out of his only field goal attempt. You will sweat on extra points, Cards, if you losers ever get into the endzone.

Cory Goettsche: Meh. Actually, kind of shitty.

Cards D: Actually, very solid. UK's offense clearly needs work, and they were trying to keep things simple, but UL's D is pretty good. They had guys in the right places, which is a vast improvement from last year. The D-line is especially solid. The Heymans a good.

Ron English: Can't be his real name. Also, he can't count.

Jeff Brohm: The Cards' offensive genius and savior! Well, he turned out to be a major flop and a failure in game one. If this trend continues, it will show why hirings and firings should not be controlled by a loud, whiny fan base.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Darrin Jackson is an Insufferable Tool-douche

I didn't think I could ever hate A.J. Pierzynski more than I did...yesterday. Then, today, I saw this. Holy fuck, what a shithead.

Worse, listen to Darrin Jackson actually defend Pierzynski's actions. His flop was embarrassingly Ginobli-esque, and whoever the Rays infielder was didn't even come close to hitting/touching/breathing on him. But that's all it takes, I guess--at least according to D.J.

All it takes to get fielder's interference, a violation never called, especially during rundowns, is falling over when not touched and being a petulant fucking child all the time. Well done, A.J.; your constant douchebaggery has finally paid off.

Actually, wait...it paid off in the playoffs in '05 when you ran to first after whiffing...even though you were called out...then, you were called safe. How do you, the biggest assmouth in the league this side of Milton Bradley, get away with this shit? Come to think of it, had Milton Bradley pulled this same stunt, he'd been ejected from the game and censured by all of baseball. Ah, being white...

The only thjing Michael Barrett did wrong when he punched Pierzynski was not walking up to the booth, through all the fans, and kicking that dickface Darrin Jackson in the balls.

Friday, August 22, 2008

A Modest Proposal

I think we should lop Soriano's face off.

So, with all due respect to that douchebag who wanted to eat babies and shit (I think I missed the point of his essay. He didn't really want to eat babies, correct?), I'm offering a proposal that would reciprocate the feeling that we, fair viewers, get when watching this clown play baseball.

I am baffled that a player with all the "tools" that Soriano has can look so fucking clueless on a daily basis. He can't play left field. He can't reach base. When the planets are aligned correctly and this shit-ass singles, he gets picked off.

The Reds series did it for me. The deciding run in that game was scored due to one of his lazy plays in left, when he let a pop up drop and roll past him--like a fucking t-baller. Obviously, his next at bat lasted approximately 8 seconds, culminating with a groundout, 6-3. It happened so fast FSN Cincy's cameras didn't even see it. Blame falls on both parties.

Watching Soriano is like seeing footage of a dog fight--you don't necessarily feel bad for the creature(s) involved, just for yourself for having to see it.

*Disclaimer* I reserve the right to enjoy the times that he hooks the ball down the left field line.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Soo...

Are we all done updating this piece of shit? I'm changing my name, and posting more often. Follow suit, all.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Blogger Relocation

I would like to apologize for the inactivity coming from the Hoosier Gamecock camp in the past few weeks. I have been going through a move for a new job, relocating from South Carolina to Orlando, Florida. I may be forced to alter my name, so any suggestions are welcomed. Hopefully I will get back to posting in the coming days or weeks, if anyone cares.

Congrats Jed.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Jed's Getting Married

Whatta douche.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

C'mon! Same Team!



Apparently, Giambi doesn't think highly of the ol' shift-a-rooski, as he's seen here giving Brian Roberts the finger. Hey assholes, don't you realize your on the same fantasy team?!?! Ibanez=Available management is not thrilled, and will handle the matter internally.

Oh, you don't know your on the same team? I guess that would explain all of the unanswered emails.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Thank You Ted Turner

I still remember that day, just over two years ago on July 25, 2006, when ESPN announced they were terminating their relationship with Baseball Tonight's Harold Reynolds after he allegedly sexually harassed anywhere from one to 100 women. (Okay, so I looked up the date on Wikipedia after having this idea for a post and it just happened to be almost two years ago exactly, but I do remember it.) It was a dark day at Audobon Parkway, where Evan and I, like most college grads, were living with his parents, drinking Eddie's High Lifes, never missing a Sunday doubleheader (Chick Inn and Captain's Quarters) and contemplating our unemployment options between jobs - selling pottery for the Sandman and mowing greens at Audobon Country Club. Centre College and our parents must have been so proud, although I vaguely remember Toots screaming at us both daily about job fairs while firing the Classifieds in our direction.

When Evan told me that ESPN had split up Harold and Krukky, the most formidable duo in baseball history, I was speechless. I screamed, he wept, we blankly stared, we drank away our sorrows, and there may have been a hug. Harold Reynolds, minus the inappropriate behavior towards women which we never condoned, was our hero, and then without warning, he was gone, never to be seen on BBTN, the College World Series (where he undoubtedly harassed Erin Andrews), or the Little League World Series again.

He surfaced on MLB.com last summer, but even for Harold I refused to pay the $14.95/month to watch the games. So that brings me to today, when I tuned into TBS for the Cubs-Marlins game and found Harold Reynolds back in the booth, for the whole nation to see. I could finally move on with my life knowing that my idol was back in the saddle. I can only hope he will keep his hands off of his female co-workers until the playoffs are over, or for at least the next week so he will be in the booth for the Yankees-Angels next Sunday. Thank you Ted Turner, thank you TBS.

Note: Reynolds may have been broadcasting these Sunday TBS games all season, but this was probably the first time I watched. Another note, Samardzija was "nasty" once again today, striking out three for a two-inning save.

Friday, July 25, 2008

That's Nasty

The BBTN segment "That's Nasty" applied to many different pitchers on Friday around Major League baseball…but I would like to focus on two, one apiece from the teams I picked to appear in the Fall Classic - the Yanks' Joba Chamberlain and the Cubs' Jeff Samardzija.

The Yanks were heavily criticized for their decision to throw Chamberlain in the rotation mid-season. I think it is working. Joba still did not get any run support, but it didn't matter. Throughout his seven inning, nine strikeout performance in a 1-0 win at Fenway Park that moved the Yanks to 7-0 since the break, he made Boston hitters look bad. He has not given up more than three runs in any of his 10 starts, has 63 Ks in 54.2 innings, and has lowered his season ERA to 2.30. If not for a lack of run support, his record as a starter would be much better than 2-1. Sorry Evan, he may not have deserved the attention before, but he certainly does now.

Using extremely quick judgement after the most encouraging blown save in the history of Wrigley Field, Samardzija may be heading to a similar impact on a playoff race that Joba had last year. Yes, the former Notre Dame receiver blew the lead and tossed one of the worst pitch outs I have ever seen, but he was, like Joba, nasty. As Buster Olney pointed out on BBTN, the fact that Lou Pinella put him in the situation he did on the day he was called up points to one of two things, either Pinella has lost his mind or this kid is for real. My guess is both are true. If Samardzija has the impact I think he might and claims the position in front of Kerry Wood in the Cubs' pen, the Joba comparisons will continue, the Cubs will hold off the charging Brew Crew, and my World Series prediction is looking very good. Next year, we will look for another overanalyzed move from the pen to the rotation.

I was going to write about my observations on USA Basketball's first exhibition game and stateside sendoff tonight, but after watching the boys in red, white, and blue dismiss our Northside neighbors 120-65 (including 90-41 after the first quarter) in Vegas, I decided to stick with the phrase "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas. To be honest, the blowout did not generate many thoughts. I am a huge fan of the Olympics, specifically USA Basketball, so rest assured you get updates, analysis, predictions and more as we approach Beijing.

A couple of quick notes:
- Jerry Colangelo did a good job putting this team together and sorry to you UK fans, but I think in picking a coach as well.
- Even without 'Bron, USA is really good, balanced, and deep. Canada is quite the opposite.
- The USA uniforms are pretty hideous, they should also Stay in Vegas.
- I think ESPN found their play-by-play guy at the Mirage after an afternoon of slots and Martinis. The guy actually said, "Kobe Bryant is too cool for school." Possibly a late reference to his decision in 1996 to skip college, but pretty bad nonetheless.

Fatlanta Phalcons

The Good: Uhhhhh. . .Ummmmm. . .Oh, I got it, these two dick wads are no longer affiliated with this franchise.

To be fair, I know that in the big picture what dick wad #1 did was no where near as bad as what dick wad #2 did, but the funny thing is if you listened to interviews with the other players on the team at the end of last year, though they condemned Vick's actions, they would not indict his character. Petrino on the other hand. Can you imagine, forever being associated with a herpes spreading, bad alias using, drug smuggling (the water bottle incident), dog fighting, scum bag all because you are such a pussy that you can't even fulfil your obligations to people who take a chance and put their faith in you for one year? But I digress, the point is, beyond these two no longer being a distraction, there's nothing good to say about the Falcons this year.

The Bad: Everything else. When I look at their roster I feel like they guy in Major League when he's handed a list of guys the Indians will be inviting to camp: I've never heard of half of these guys, and the ones I do know are way past their prime. . .I don't even know where to begin with this, so I'll start with the defense which finished in the bottom four in the league last year in the following: sacks, yards allowed, points, and touchdowns. The best part of all this is that they lost their best defensive player (DeAngelo Hall) so look for them to fall to the bottom four in takeaways this year as well. The other side of the ball doesn't look a whole lot better. Yeah, they got their guy when Matt Ryan fell to them (more on that in a minute) but he won't be ready to go at the start of the season which leaves them with Chris Redman. Redman was quite mediocre last year, which was a stunning improvement over his performances prior to that. They did bring in Michael Turner from LaDainian Tomlinson's shadow, but he won't have anywhere to run behind that line. Much like on defense they let their best offensive player (Alge Crumpler), from a shitty offense to begin with, go. As for the receivers, Roddy White showed flashes of talent last year, but. . .you know what, I don't want to talk about this anymore, it's making me sick.

The Fuck Were You Thinking???: Listen, I like Arthur Blank, I really do. He's a fantastic business man, and seems to be one of the genuinely nice guys in The League from everything I've heard about him. Oh yeah, and he has a sweet mustache. That said, it seems that this guy doesn't have the first fucking clue about football, and every one of his "business instincts" that took him to the top have mired him deeper in shit in the NFL. First, he built his franchise around Michael Vick. I guess that seemed like a good idea at the time, but eventually you have to open your fucking eyes! It became pretty clear a few years back that this guy had major character issues, and with all the shit swirling around something was going to stick. Next was Petrino, again, it probably seemed like a good move at the time, but it would probably only take about 15 minutes of research to realize that this clown has no integrity. . .or personality. Then to replace him, he brings in a guy in Mike Smith who has never had a head coaching job, at any level. Not really a recipe for success. Oh, and then in the draft they took a quarterback who'll never be anything more than a very average pro. He was probably the best of this class coming out of college, but that's like being the tallest midget. Think Alex Smith a few years back. Who didn't see that coming? What he should have done is addressed any other position this year (they all needed it) with a pick like Glenn Dorsey, and addressed quarterback next year. . .with Tim Tebow and the first overall pick.

2008 Outlook: I don't see a game on their schedule that I feel confident that they will win. They will be the worst team in the league this year, and the only reason I'm giving them 3 wins is because what Miami did last year will be very tough to duplicate.

Record: 3-13
Division: 4th
Playoffs: Bitch Please

Tomorrow: The Baltimore Ravens

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Just What Everyone Wanted: Another Ass Hole Spewing About The NFL

Since Evan has been busy with other things and not blogging here regularly, he agreed to allow me to give my takes and be his NFL Correspondent- I'd like to thank him for that. I'd also like to thank "Hoosier Gamecock" for his nice piece to set me up, although I think it was inadvertent (yep, I said I'd like to thank him for his nice piece, and I'll stand by that.)
So, allow me first to introduce myself: I am the Armchair Long Snapper and I will be posting about The NFL, and only The NFL. No world events, no baseball or basketball, not even college football, just The NFL. And like some blog sites (although not really this one) I will have a format so that my loyal readers know when to check back for their favorite Armchair Long Snapper piece. I'll do my best while writing this to keep it light and not get all up my own ass.
Thursday- you can read my fantasy takes (both review and preview). I am aware that no one in the world likes reading about how close someones fantasy team came to winning this past week, so I'll keep it generalized. But know that in the past 4 years I have won about $3600 in fantasy football money, which makes me awesome.
Saturday- you will get my picks for the upcoming weekend.
Tuesday- I'll review the previous week's action.

In the meantime I'll be posting a team by team preview everyday- they won't be about camp battles and shit that we've all read 1,000 times this month already, I'll try to keep it interesting. So, starting alphabetically, we begin with:

Arizona Cardinals

The Good: You knew it wouldn't take Ken Whisenhunt long to get things going in the right direction. This team has some nice talent. Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald form probably the most formidable receiver tandem west of Indianapolis, and though they lost the talented but oft-injured Bryant Johnson, they replaced him in the draft with Early Doucet. Furthermore, they bolstered their line prior to last season and discovered that running the ball occasionally is an acceptable substitute to flinging it all over the field. On defense Antrel Rolle and Adrian Wilson roaming the secondary should setup plenty of short fields for the offense. Plus, the NFC West is pretty wide-open, and getting to play San Fran and the Rams twice should help their chances.

The Bad: Rumor has it Edgerrin James traded in that gold grill for a nice set of dentures. 300+ carries in each of the last 5 seasons has aged him beyond his years. Should he get hurt? Don't ask. Marcel Shipp and J.J. Arrington are. . .they are. . .well, they're shitty. Seriously. Also, yeah their secondary is pretty tough, but there are huge question marks on the D-line and at linebacker, which makes the entire defense fairly suspect overall.

And The Fairly Douchy: Matt Leinart. Listen, I have no problem with this guy slaying every bit of pussy in the Pacific Time Zone. Who wouldn't be doing that? But this clown needs to chillax on the celebrity shit until he's actually accomplished something. . .anything. Yeah I know, he won a Heisman and a National Championship, but I'm talking about the pros here, and he's been a shitty pro to date. When you're supposed to be rehabbing your injured knee and your backup is playing better than you ever have, the only hot tub you need to be in is in the training room and if you can convince the trainers to bring you a beer bong and a couple of skanks in there, well more power to you- that would probably silence the bitching. Think of NFL fame as the Burger King Steakhouse Burger: Tom Brady has discovered a planet and therefore can eat the burger, Leinart. . .helped.

2008 Outlook: This team just reeks of mediocrity, and outside of the aforementioned weak division they reside in, their schedule is pretty damn tough, featuring both of last year's Super Bowl teams as well as the Cowboys.
Record: 7-9
Division: 2nd
Playoffs: Nope

Sorry it was so long, but I hope it was a somewhat enjoyable read. Tomorrow: Atlanta.

Right on!

Good work bitching about the NFL, HG, as a new NFL writer will be added to the fold here at the blog! The NFL sucks and is boring (outside of my fantasy team), so this new blogger will provide needed insight to a sport that millions of Americans adore. And no, it's not Peter King.

Also, this doesn't mean that I won't constantly bitch about the droves of Colts fans at IU in the fall, especially those who then morph back to IU fans again in late November. Can't blame 'em; IU"s football team sucks ass.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Do I really have to care?

Okay, I get it, July is a slow sports month and there is not much going. It is the middle of the baseball season before the playoff races really get started, Tiger Woods has stopped playing golf, and college football practices haven’t started. I also understand the NFL has taken over the sports industry. As ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd says, “There are two sports seasons, football season and waiting for football season.” I like the NFL, I follow a couple of teams fairly religiously, I had three fantasy football teams, and my Sundays revolve around wings, the beer special, and the NFL.

But really, tell me again why I am supposed to care where a now past his prime 38-year old turnover machine may or may not play next season? Why can I not turn on any of the ESPN stations without hearing about Brett Favre? I am not even going to get into what the Packers should do, whether his overly inflated, flip-flopping ego is hurt because Green Bay doesn’t want him back, what other teams would or would not want him, how this effects his legacy, whether we should feel sorry for Aaron Rodgers, and on and on and on. I do not care, and I do not know why ESPN and numerous other sports media outlets keep telling me I am supposed to.

Maybe I am missing something, maybe everyone else is right, and maybe I should care. So I decided to do some research. Yes, Brett Favre is a first ballot Hall of Famer, he has broken numerous NFL career passing records, has won three MVP awards, and has a Super Bowl ring. According to my research, he was really good in the mid to late 90s, but that doesn’t tell me why I should care in 2008.

So, I looked at the most recent three-year period to see how this “icon” compares to his peers in the NFL. The answer, not very well.

In the past three years, eight quarterbacks (Favre, Peyton, Brady, Brees, Palmer, Roethlisberger, Hasselbeck, and Eli) have averaged at least 14 regular season games played. In those three seasons, the other seven QBs, with Eli Manning’s plus-seven included, have an average turnover margin of +36. During that span, Favre’s turnover margin is -6. That is a 42 turnover difference if you are scoring at home. I have never played or coached football, but turnover margin and ball possession are important, right?

Some other important stats I have heard about are QB rating and completion percentage. Again, including Eli’s 75.6, the other seven have an average QB rating of 91.8. Brett Favre has a QB rating of 79.8, ahead of only Eli and almost a full 10 points behind sixth place on the list, Hasselbeck’s 88.5. Let’s try completion percentage. Again, only Eli’s is worse.

So does that mean that Brett Favre is the seventh best QB in the NFL today? I think not. It's debatable that he is better than Eli (who just won a Super Bowl). There are also several other QBs, who did not qualify for the above based on my arbitrary requirements, who have performed better in recent years than Favre. Injuries have limited Donovan McNabb, Marc Bulger, Jake Delhomme, and Kurt Warner to 10-12 games per year over the last three, but their numbers are better than Favre’s. Tony Romo (by far) and Phillip Rivers (by a good amount) have outplayed Favre while starting most of their team’s games in the past two seasons.

In the 90s, Brett Favre was the man. In 2008, he is a mediocre gunslinger who can’t give it up. Could he help some teams? Sure, anyone is an improvement over Alex Smith, Kyle Boller, whoever the Falcons run out there, and of course, Rex Grossman. But am I really supposed to care THIS MUCH? If I care about Favre, I think ESPN Classic is the only place I should be able to find him.

Peoples Done Lost they Mind

I went to a swim meet yesterday for work. It doesn't matter where. It was outdoors, so I guess you can rule out Greenland. I made some observations, most of them centered around a binding thesis.

People. Are. Fucking. Insane.

23 teams. 23 goddamn teams. Obviously, that means that each event will have more than one heat. However, do we have to watch the heat that has only two teams? It's agonizing. The meet was a two team race from the beginning (one team has won the last 20 in a row!), and I must admit there at the end, I was pretty excited. The margin was extraordinarily slim. Anyway, the two teams in the pool for a relay is absurd. Invariably, one team is made up of Mark Spitz' kids and a shark, while the other team is three fat kids and a rock. One time, the margin was a full minute. That means, there was cheering, the cheers died, and then everyone realized the rock was still swimming (says something when an inanimate object is your anchor), so they had to commence the awkward cheer. Ew.

This next one isn't necessarily particular to swimming, but I saw it a lot last night from one dude. You know when guy's act all gay and then start touching up on chicks? Does it freak anyone else out?

"Who, Raef? Oh, Lord, he's gayer than a picnic basket! Don't worry about Raef."

We get it. As if the visor, frosted tips, and crocs weren't already a dead give-away, you molesting the mid-section of my nine year old daughter was. Being gay doesn't make you less of a pederast, you creep.

The coaches at this fucking thing. Good Lord. I actually saw this at Shuey's swim meet at CC, but last night it was rampant. You know what swim coaches do at meets? Yell go. They yell it as loud and as often as possible, usually while gyrating toward the finishing wall. Goooo. Go! GO!!! As far as I could tell, the swimmers already knew this was a race. But, maybe not.

Speedos. Sick.

Annnnd the parents. As I indicated earlier, the same team has won the last twenty years. That's pretty good. Like, a high school could never do that, right? Anyway, before I lay into the parents, I want to say that if I walked in and none of the kids had those retarded swim caps on, I could tell you the winner. 22 teams were full of assholes and dick-faces. One team was not. They won. I don't have a major problem with the assholes and dick-faces, because, hey, they just want to have fun. However, the fucklords who spawned these kids freak the fuck out about the good team.

"Of course they win, all the good kids go there."

"I know I saw them fault at least twice."

"Well, their neighborhood's the biggest."

It went on. Don't these parents realize that a) their kid gives no shit, and b) it embarrasses the fuck out of their kid when they flip out over a foot fault in the 8-9 girls 200 meter relay (which lasted approximately 12 hours)? One woman, who stood right behind me, attempted to get a "Coo-per, Coo-per" chant started. Cooper, I presume, is her child. There are parents and kids from 22 other teams. To think that they will join you in the "Cooper" chant is batshit fucking insane.

Parents are insane.

The end.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Oh, Hi There

Hey, it's a blog. I bet someone should be updating this.

HG isn't really holding up his end of the bargain. That being, of course, posting. I have absolutely nothing to talk to you about. I'm sorry. I'm really thinking hard...

Oh well. I'm sure someone will do something stupid soon. Here are some funny videos!



Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Train, you may need to dot your tears with a homer hanky

I've spoken a bit about the sports talk radion guys here in SC. They suck balls. Namely, this guy.
His name is Bobby Hartin, and he's a total shithead. Anyway, today there was some babbling about the hall of famers at last night's all-star game. There were mentions of who was and wasn't at the game. It was inane and fucking terribly boring. Until this took place (almost verbatim):

Hartin: Well, what about Kirby Puckett? Where was he?

Sidekick (awkwardly): Kirby Puckett?

Hartin: Oh no. He's in JAIL ain't he?

Sidekick: I, um, think he may be dead.

...

Hartin: Jo-, um, what about Johnny Bench? Was he there?

Yes, Bobby. I suppose, since Puckett was an African-American, that if he isn't somewhere you think he should have been, then he has to be in jail. Unfortunately, he's already been killed by a bunch of gang-bangers when he was buying crack.

Right Bobby, you dumb fucking hick?

Tips for Dating Kentucky Women

Knowing I am an Indiana fan and went to school in Kentucky, a friend of mine in South Carolina sent me the below Facebook message today.

HG's Friend: If I take a girl from UK to dinner tonight, can we still be friends?? Need a response before 7.

Through my time in Kentucky, I decided I may be able to help this friend out in preparing for this date, and I wanted to share my response with the faithful readers of this blog.

HG: If she is attractive and has ALL of her teeth, then yes I can let that slide...Is this girl from Kentucky?

If so, a few things to think about:
1. If she is from Lexington or another horse town (Versailles, Bourbon County, Winchester), she may need to be wined and dined. Some rich young ladies in those parts.
2. She may be impressed if you drink bourbon, but do not fake it too much and throw up, my past history indicates she will probably not be impressed by that. Woodford Reserve and Makers Mark are good options.
3. If she is from anywhere else, specifically Pikeville, Paintsville, or Harlan, she will probably be happy with working electricity and maybe some Golden Corral and Moonshine.
4. Ask her if she knows Joe Conley and has any good stories about him. I have $100 on the answer being yes to both questions.
5. Make sure you have paper towels and Band-Aids available in case she "Bleeds Blue" all over your car or apartment.
6. If the night proceeds into bedroom-related events, ask her if you are the first person she will ever sleep with who is not related to her.
7. Finally, tell her you have a friend in the area who went to Centre College, and ask her if she has any hot friends.

This may prove irrelevant if she just went to school at UK from somewhere more civilized in the country, but you can never be too prepared.

If any of you have any other pointers for my good friend, please share in the comments section.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Halfway to the trophy

I would like to first apologize to the readers of this blog for the inactivity over the past week-plus. My excuses are vacations, job applications, and intoxication. I am not sure what Evan's excuse is, but I guess I will just blame the rest on the dog days of summer. The only thing going on in sports right now is the Brett Favre charade and A-Rod having sexual relations with a 50-year old, and I do not think you want to hear anything else about those from people who do not really know anything.

So with the MLB All-Star Game approaching, I have decided to end our blogging silence with my version of the Mid-Season Awards and predictions for the rest of 2008. Jayson Stark's version may be more entertaining, but I tried my best damnit.

National League (predicted end of the season winner in parentheses)
MVP: Lance Berkman, Astros - His team sucks which will prevent him from winning the end of the season award, but look at his numbers (.347, 22 HR, 70 RBI) and he has been the best hitter in the league. (David Wright, Mets)

Cy Young: Edinson Volquez, Reds - Like Berkman, his team sucks but he has the best numbers and has been the most dominating thus far (11-3, 2.36 ERA, 116 Ks). I fully expect him to slow down over the second half, which has already started somewhat, but to this point he is the winner. (Cole Hamels, Phillies)

Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto, Cubs - Not even close, rookie catcher on the best team so far (.287, 16 HR, 24 2Bs, 55 RBI). (Soto)

Manager of the Year: Tony LaRussa, Cardinals - Just barely over Lou Pinella, but the Cubs were supposed to be good, and the Cardinals were not. As the season continues, LaRussa will lose this leading position, but at the halfway point he deserves it. (Pinella, but watch out for Jerry Manuel of the Mets)

American League
MVP: Josh Hamilton, Rangers - Great story and great numbers (.313, 21 HR, 93 RBI), I do not believe at this point this race is close. He has 25, yes 25,more RBI than second place in the AL. (Hamilton - I hope he keeps it up, but if he doesn't, look out for A-Rod if the Yankees make a run at the playoffs)

Cy Young: Mariano Rivera, Yankees - Not a closer's award, but the best closer ever to step on a mound is having his best season ever and should be rewarded for it. He is a perfect 23-for-23 on save chances while allowing only one earned run in those situations (0.37 ERA). Overall, Rivera has a 12.5-1 strikeout to walk ratio and a 1.06 ERA. (Rivera)

Rookie of the Year: Evan Longoria, Rays - Like in the NL, this race is not even close and should stay that way. With All-Star numbers (.281, 16 HRs, 53 RBI), Longoria has the Rays atop the AL East. (Longoria)

Manager of the Year: Joe Maddon, Rays - Another race that is not even close. The perennial last-place Rays lead the AL East and have not backed down from the high-budget Red Sox and Yankees. I do not expect them in the playoffs, but I think they will hang around enough to make Maddon a shoe-in for the award. (Maddon)

Postseason Predictions
NL East - Mets
NL Central - Cubs
NL West - Diamondbacks
NL Wild Card - Phillies

AL East - Red Sox
AL Central - White Sox
AL West - Angels
AL Wild Card - Yankees

Divisional Playoffs
NL: Cubs over Phillies, 3-1
NL: Mets over Diamondbacks, 3-2
AL: Yankees over Angels, 3-2
AL: Red Sox over White Sox, 3-1

Championship Series

NL: Cubs over Mets, 4-3
AL: Yankees over Red Sox, 4-2

World Series

Yankees over Cubs, 4-3
- I know what you are thinking, HG must be a Yankees fan to say something that crazy. Well, you are right. However, if they can get in the playoffs and past their nemesis, the Angels, then I believe this prediction will hold true. Plus, can I really pick the Red Sox to beat them? No. After the AL's win in the All-Star Game, Game 7 will also be the last game ever in Yankee Stadium, it just seems right. Oh, and the Cubs are cursed, remember?

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Everybody chill!

Nobody move...OK, we've been through this before. Just remember the steps I taught you...

OK, we've been spammed:



jason said...
hey, here is the site i was talking about where i made the extra cash, I was making about $900 extra a month...check it out ..

Don't click those links! Jason's full of shit, man! I never talked to him about ANYTHING!

Breathe...

I can't believe that dick didn't even tell me that my blog was 'likable.'

My concession

You know, a day ago, I really thought I could do it. I believed that I would defy the odds, and win basically an unwinnable argument. HG, you win. But I still take issue with something you said.

First of all, the crux of your argument is quite strong, and something I hadn't considered. Replacing a shithead is ideal. You can't be as bad as he was---or, if you are, you will die. Also, much of what you said could go for anyone taking an AD jon anywhere. Hence, my unwinnable position.

However, this is wrong:

"At the same time, while you confront these challenges, you are given a longer leash because that same fan base, at least to a certain extent, understands the situation the idiots that came before you put you in."

Fans don't have leashes. At schools like IU, they have unrealistic expectations. The brunt of the whining will strike Crean, though, so Johnny NewDouche will get off easy. However, don't act like IU's fans are any more sane than UK's, UL's, etc. They will flip their shit just as fast---they showed that with Davis and Dakich.

As for Bloomington being a party town, Faggy McShitface won't care. Plus, in December, when he arrives, it will be balls mother-fucking freezing enough to make him want to set himself on fire.

As for the pizza, you're mostly right, but if I get an order for 'Crean,' I will shit on that pizza. So, Tom, if you're reading this, consider this your only warning.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

PTI: The IU Rebuttal

First, let us all commend Evan for putting together a fine effort arguing the losing side of the topic. I appreciate him letting me have the obvious side of this first argument because I am an Indiana fan. Lets be honest, arguing against taking an AD job in the Big Ten with a historically good basketball team is ridiculous. Now, let us all Pardon the Ignorance of his points, copy his format, and move on.

1. Is Indiana in “some shit?” Absolutely. Does that make Indiana a bad job? Absolutely not. To be considered for a job like AD at Indiana, one has undoubtedly shown the ability to accept challenges, overcome adversity and solve problems. Most people in these positions have egos, and they feel no situation is too difficult to overcome. For this reason they live for situations to be a savior, to rescue a powerhouse program and become a hero to an avid fan base. At the same time, while you confront these challenges, you are given a longer leash because that same fan base, at least to a certain extent, understands the situation the idiots that came before you put you in.

To simplify this argument, it is easier in the long run to replace Eddie Sutton or Rick Pitino? Is it easier to replace Mike Davis or Bob Knight? Tubby won, but he never lived up to the expectations set by Rick Pitino. The same holds true for an AD.

Finally, we live in the "one and done" era of college basketball, and due to changes in the recruiting landscape, quick transformations and rebuilding projects happen in the blink of an eye. For basketball, the right coach is already in place, and it will take just one or two good recruiting classes for Tom Crean to make Indiana a relevant contender again.

2. Does Indiana have a shitty football program? Historically, absolutely. Does this make Indiana a bad job? Absolutely not. First of all, you do not take the job as Indiana AD because of the football program. The legacy of the next Indiana AD will be determined based on the success of the basketball program.

Also, as a Big Ten fan who recognizes that the SEC is superior today in college football, I would argue that Indiana has a better chance to succeed in the Big Ten than UK does in the SEC. UK is a better program right now, but they have numerous teams in the SEC to hurdle to be a real contender. Other than Ohio State and Michigan and maybe Wisconsin, I would argue no one in the Big Ten has any significant advantage over Indiana, who has slowly improved over the past few years.

3. As for Bloomington, I wouldn’t expect you as a UK fan to enjoy living there, Evan. But you, to my knowledge, are not in the running for this job. I do not like the snow either, so I choose to live where it is a million degrees all year long, but some people thrive with the seasonal changes. I would also assume that more educated people would not have such an aversion to our technologically savvy friends from the Far East. Bloomington actually fares well among the best college towns, if he gets stressed it is a good place to party, and the girls are hot.

Oh yeah, and pizza is delicious. If you know me you know I think that it is also one of the most overpriced foods in the world. However, I am pretty sure the new Indiana AD could get a good deal on some slices of pie. If not, there is one more reason this is a great job, he will probably be able to afford a few pieces.

Why the IU job sucks: an objective analysis

For those who don't know, this is the first installment of an argument between HG and myself. He will be given this very same space for a retort, and the the bickering will last as long as it must---or until we run out of vodka.

I will format my post as a list of points, each exhibiting why being the athletic director at IU would make a man want to stab his own face off. The list format is for several reasons: 1)it's easier to write/read, 2)well that's pretty much it. It's easier. It also makes it easier on HG to argue, because he can point directly at a certain notion that I have assumed, or completely made up.

I will now spend the next 45-55 minutes trying to figure out how to format a list on blogger...

...

I did it! I will bold my points for the lazy people. Also, if I'm not especially snarky in this post, forgive me, a Sportscenter "I Wish" is on and this kid just met Grady Sizemore in the Indians clubhouse. I have a new perspective. However, that locker room probably smells like balls and feet.


  1. Indiana is in some shit. I don't think this is really news to anyone, but whoever the new AD is will have to clean up the mess left by Greenspan. Sure, the punishment may be to drop a few schollies or whatever, but the image of the university's storied basketball program has been tarnished. The new guy will have to be someone with a history of a clean program, or some d-bag, no-nonsense chump with a crew-cut. Tom Crean will be a solid fit as far as following rules, but will he win enough games? Plus, don't you think it will be tough to do your job with (IU) president McRobbie on your back constantly? You will be under unbearable pressure to succeed, while trying to recreate the angelic image that IU has gotten...from themselves.
  2. Indiana's football team is a shitty piece of shit. Yeah, there are other sports at IU. You didn't know that because the Hoosiers suck so bad at them (except soccer or whatever). I know they went to a bowl last year, but everybody goes to a bowl. They also got throttled. No one cares about football in Bloomington, Mr. AD. Your job is to make them care, because there is an entire season devoted to the sport. I'm tired of seeing Colts jerseys.
  3. You have to live in Bloomington. I have lived in Danville, and I have never lived in a place where it rains more. It's not just rain, either. It's a pouring, painful driving storm for hours on end. Plus, it gets down to like four degrees in the winter, and it's like 250 in the summer, plus humidity. As I've said before, there should be a sign when you drive in saying, "Welcome to Bloomington: If it ain't rainin', it's snowin'." OK, it's nice in the fall, but who cares, the football team licks balls? The traffic is unbearable, and there's nowhere to park---ever. And the Asians. My God, the Asians. They do have a pretty rockin' pizza joint, though.

So. Here's some fodder, HG. Do your worst.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Everyone but me is to blame

I'll have my argument about IU being a shitty job tomorrow. Hail Silver!

In its stead, please, please, read these two posts from the same site. The site is hysterical: READ.

This one is about the Ozzie/Lou rap. Oh man. Hilarious.

Monday, June 30, 2008

See, you lazy asses

It's not easy to come up with some bullshit to write about everyday.

Thanks, Blazin-Caucasian, but HG and I respectfully decline your idea of arguing children's novels. I guess it will probably be best to begin by venturing into that shithole in Bloomington, because HG is a big, douch-ey, IU fan. I don't know. I guess one side (me) could argue that the job sucks, with HG providing a worthless and wrong counter-argument. Here, let me text him...

...

Nothing yet...

...

Well, I'm sure he's OK with that. He, like the 10 billion d-bags (and Asians) in Bloomington, probably thought that Pitino would actually come to IU. Actually, I doubt HG thought that. But all the other assholes did!

OK, I'll have my installment up in the next 4-88 hours. Just keep hitting refresh!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Goodbye Greenspan

This post is somewhat overdue, especially because of my previous post ripping Rick Greenspan. However, the post was not as overdue as his resignation. The Indiana AD responsible for the worst (Kelvin Sampson) and potentially best (Tom Crean) hirings in the history of IU athletics has said his goodbyes (although I guess he will say them again when he officially steps down in December) and announced his resignation on Thursday.

I know what you are asking, do I feel like my post explaining his wrongdoings as the head of the Hoosier athletic department led to his resignation? Of course not. Yes, I am sure it had an impact and I think Greenspan and the IU administration are avid readers of Rantastic (especially the long lived Hoosier Gamecock Era), but I think this resignation was inevitable to happen before the Hoosiers hit the hardwood again in October.

The resignation comes on the heels of an additional Failure to Monitor charge by the NCAA towards Greenspan and the IU compliance department. Hopefully the fact that both Sampson and Greenspan are now gone from Bloomington will help IU avoid punishments so severe that Crean has no chance to succeed. The situation is already bleak, but numerous years of probation/scholarship restrictions may mean Crean is not around to see this thing through, and who could blame him if he ran and hid.

Yes, the rumors are true, my name has been tossed around as a possible replacement for Greenspan. I knew I would have my dream job someday, I just didnt know it would be so soon. I have worked hard though in my two years working in Division II athletics, and by December I will be midway through a master's program to get my degree in Intercollegiate Athletics Administration. It seems to me I am perfectly qualified to lead an athletic department in the Big Ten.

NBA Draft Thoughts:
- IU's Eric Gordon was selected seventh in the Draft, becoming the next player to average 20 points and lead the Clippers to the basement in the NBA's Pacific Division, joining the likes of Danny Manning, Ron Harper, Lamar Odom, Elton Brand, and Corey Maggete. Poor guy, I thought he had a chance to be something special in the league, but not with that franchise.
- WKU's and Indiana native Courtney Lee went 22nd to the Magic. On a team with Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis, Hedo Turkoglu, Darko, and Jameer Nelson, Lee could find a niche and be a nice piece on an up and coming Eastern Conference contender.
- IU's D.J. White, picked 29th by Detroit and traded to Seattle, went to a young team with a chance to improve tremendously in the next few years, although probably not in the Pacific NW. If he continues to focus on defense and rebounding (and stay injury free) like he did in a solid senior season as the Big Ten Player of the Year, White will be a role player in the NBA for a decade or so.
- UK's Joe Crawford went 58th to the Lakers. With no guaranteed contracts issued to second round picks, do not expect Crawford to be getting torched by Kobe for too long in Lakers' training camp. I wish him luck, but his best bet will probably be to land on another squad.
- Not a Pacers' fan, but they had a good draft by trading for a solid point guard in T.J. Ford and drafting two experienced college players in Brandon Rush and Roy Hibbert. They still lack a superstar and legitimate scorer (sorry Mike Dunleavy), but I look for them to be a lower seeded playoff team in the East next season.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Aside

I have an internship with a newspaper blah blah blah. I am covering a minor league baseball team this week, and I'm at the game. Of course, since I'm major bad-ass big time, I have a parking pass. As I pulled into the lot, I failed to realize that my pass wasn't in my wind-shield. No big deal.

I wasn't really paying attention, though. So, the African-American woman working the lot walked over, and leaned in to ask me to show her the pass. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear her, because I was straight mother-fucking BOPPING this song:



Enjoy. The video rocks, too.

p.s. Hopefully, we'll have a raging debate soon. Thanks to da Blazin' Caucasian, we have some ideas. Please read the comments of the post below.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Site announcement!!!!!1!!!11!!!one!!!!ONE!!!1

So, I've seen that the two people who read this blog have taken quite a liking to the new guy. He's kind of a douche, though. However, with his arrival comes a new little feature. A feature, I guess.

First, the backstory. When Hoosier Gamecock and I were in college together, we used to get drunk. A lot. Anyway, when we were drunk, we'd argue. A lot. In most cases, I was right because I was louder. Plus, I'd give up and start making fun of him if I was wrong. That's just Argumentation 101.

After landing a lucrative gig at The Cento, I began writing columns for that piece of shit. Seriously, it was the worst thing I've ever read--except my column and Picken Your Brain. Oh man, Picken Your Brain rocked so hard. I mean, my columns actually kind of sucked. One was about the man-crush I had on J.J. Redick; one was about fast-food commercials; I don't remember what else...They were basically non-sensical inside jokes that no one got. Towards the end of my run as columnist, Hoosier Gamecock and I had an idea. Because PTI was the shit, we thought we'd rip them off and do Pardon the Ignorance. See what we did there with the wording? Basically, we'd get drunk at like 2PM, pick a topic, and argue it while Rose typed up all the crap we said. It was fierce.

Thus, we're going to do that here--sans Rose. One of us will pick a topic, pick a side, and the other will have a retort. I don't see how this can fail! Basically, it will be my arguments w/ ChuckG, only Hoosier Gamecock has posting permission.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Athletic Alumni Threesomes

This post is inspired by a local sports talk radio host somewhere in “The Swamp” country of North Florida. While driving through the area, I listened to an interesting show talking about which college has the best trio of athletic alumni. Before continuing with my thoughts on this topic both regionally (Kentuckiana) and nationally, some ground rules. The rankings are based on both collegiate and professional careers (sorry Tim Couch), advantage is given to trios representing three different sports, athletes from any sport are eligible, and all eras are taken into consideration (with people closer to my generation getting the benefit of the doubt).

We’ll start with the local schools, beginning, of course, with my Hoosiers. After careful perusal of the thousands and thousands of fabulous athletes from Indiana University, I narrowed the list to two definite choices and numerous question marks. Isiah Lord Thomas III (1979-1981). Before ruining both the CBA and the New York Knicks, Thomas was one of the best point guards that ever played. Zeke's resume includes an NCAA championship and Tournament MOP award (’81), two NBA championships (’89, ’90), 12 NBA All-Star games, selection as one of the greatest 50 NBA players of all time (’96), and induction into the Basketball Hall of Fame (’00).

Mark Spitz (1968-72). While not an athlete in a mainstream sport, Spitz is arguably the best swimmer of all-time. His performance in the 1972 Munich Games is one of the greatest individual Olympic performances ever, winning seven gold medals, winning gold in every individual event he entered, and setting new world records in each. All told, Spitz won nine Olympic gold medals, 8 individual NCAA titles, broke 33 world records, and was named World Swimmer of the Year on three occasions.

This is where I thought things would begin to go downhill for Indiana’s list. Trent Green and Antwan Randle El actually become possibilities, and that is not a good thing. The school has an incredible soccer program, but on the world stage none of them have accomplished much. So, we head back to basketball, where Steve Alford, George McGinnis, and Alan Henderson are all options. However, then I was reminded of Calbert Cheaney (1989-1993). Except for not winning a title, there are few with better individual college resumes. In his final three seasons at IU, the Hoosiers went 87-16. He averaged 19.8 points per game for his career and is the Big Ten’s All-Time leading scorer. A three-time All-American, Cheaney won all 12 National Player of the Year awards in 1992-93 after averaging 22.4 ppg and leading IU to a 31-4 record and the number one national ranking. A solid NBA career went downhill after season five, but the lefty still averaged 9.5 points per game in 13 seasons.

Moving on to UK, not surprisingly, you find a list of athletic alums dominated by basketball players. However, in my mind the most famous UK alum is George Blanda (1945-48). The quarterback/placekicker holds or held NFL records for most seasons played (26), most PATs made and attempted, and most points in NFL history (now broken), and holds the distinctions of being the oldest player to play in an NFL game and the only player to play in four decades. Blanda was also elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame (’81).

From here you turn to basketball and Jamal Mashburn (1990-93). Monster Mash was an incredible college player with the Wildcats, with a career average of 18.8 ppg. He helped UK to the Final Four as a junior, averaging 21.0 ppg while being named a First-Team All-American and the SEC Player of the Year. Mashburn left early for the NBA and was drafted fourth by the Mavericks. An NBA All-Star on one occasion, he had a stellar but somewhat injury-plagued 12-year NBA career. Mashburn averaged 19.1 point per game in the NBA, and is one of only six players to have averaged over 20 points per game in his final NBA season.


Like Indiana, Kentucky struggles to pull a third athlete from anywhere other than the hardwood. Maybe one day J.B. Holmes, but for now we look at basketball. Alex “point shavin” Groza, Keith Bogans, Kenny “Sky” Walker, and Tony Delk are all options, but all-time leading scorer Dan Issel (1966-70) rounds out the trio. Issel was a two-time All-American at UK with a career scoring average of 25.7 points per game. He led the ABA in scoring as a rookie for the Kentucky Colonels. Issel was named First-Team All-ABA and All-Star Game MVP in 1972, and in 1975 led the Colonels to the ABA title. Issel also spent 10 seasons in the NBA with the Denver Nuggets and accumulated over 27,000 points in his ABA and NBA careers combined.

Like Indiana and Kentucky, Louisville’s athletic history is also dominated by men’s basketball. However, the most accomplished Cardinal athlete of all-time is Johnny Unitas (1951-54), one of the greatest quarterbacks ever. Despite this claim, Unitas did not have a lot of success while at Louisville. In his four seasons, Louisville went through major roster cuts and struggled to a 12-23 record. Unitas’ greatness came in the professional ranks, where he was a three-time MVP in the NFL. He holds the record for most consecutive games with a TD pass (47), won four NFL championships, and was voted the league’s all-time best player when the NFL celebrated its first 50 years.

Heading to the hardwood, Wes Unseld (1965-68) and Darrell Griffith (1976-80) both earn spots in UL’s best trio. Unseld is the lone Louisville player in the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame. A Seneca High School grad, Unseld averaged 20.6 points and 18.9 rebounds per game in three years. Unseld had an even better pro career with the Bullets. In his rookie season of 1968-69, Unseld became only the second player ever to win Rookie of the Year and MVP in the same season. Unseld won an NBA championship and was named Finals MVP in 1978. One of the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players, Unseld was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame in 1988.

Griffith, aka “Dr. Dunkenstein,” led the Cardinals to the NCAA Championship in 1980. Griffith was named the Wooden Player of the Year and a consensus All-American that season as UL went 33-3. Griffith left Louisville as the all-time leading scorer (2,333 points, 18.5 ppg). He averaged 16.2 points per game in 10 seasons in the NBA with the Utah Jazz, who retired his number in 1993. In his first season with the Jazz in 1981, Griffith was named the NBA Rookie of the Year.

My top trios
1. UCLA - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Jackie Robinson, Troy Aikman (also have Arthur Ashe, Bill Walton, and Jackie Joyner-Kersee to name a few)
2. Stanford - Tiger Woods, John Elway, John McEnroe
3. Ohio State – Jessie Owens, Jack Nicklaus, John Havlicek
4. UNC – Michael Jordan, Lawrence Taylor, Mia Hamm
5. Texas – Roger Clemens, Earl Campbell, Ben Crenshaw
6. Arizona State - Barry Bonds, Phil Mickelson, Reggie Jackson
7. Houston – Carl Lewis, Hakeem Olajuwon, Clyde Drexler
8. USC - Marcus Allen, O.J. Simpson, Mark McGwire
9. Syracuse - Jim Brown, Dave Bing, Larry Csonka
10. Tennessee - Peyton Manning, Bernard King, Reggie White
11. Wake Forest - Arnold Palmer, Tim Duncan, Chris Paul

Other trios
All-Jailhouse: West Virginia - Adam "Pacman" Jones, Bengals' Chris Henry, Bob Huggins
All-Small School: Louisiana Tech - Karl Malone, Terry Bradshaw, NFL Hall of Famer Fred Dean
All-Busts: Utah - Andrew Bogut, Alex Smith, Keith Van Horn
All-Centre College - Coy Zerhusen, Joe Conley, Jed Hilbert

Okay, now add your own threesomes from a different school or tell me why you think mine are wrong...Whose trio do you think is the best among the three local schools? My vote is for Zeke, Spitz, and Calbert of course.