Why the IU job sucks: an objective analysis

For those who don't know, this is the first installment of an argument between HG and myself. He will be given this very same space for a retort, and the the bickering will last as long as it must---or until we run out of vodka.

I will format my post as a list of points, each exhibiting why being the athletic director at IU would make a man want to stab his own face off. The list format is for several reasons: 1)it's easier to write/read, 2)well that's pretty much it. It's easier. It also makes it easier on HG to argue, because he can point directly at a certain notion that I have assumed, or completely made up.

I will now spend the next 45-55 minutes trying to figure out how to format a list on blogger...

...

I did it! I will bold my points for the lazy people. Also, if I'm not especially snarky in this post, forgive me, a Sportscenter "I Wish" is on and this kid just met Grady Sizemore in the Indians clubhouse. I have a new perspective. However, that locker room probably smells like balls and feet.

1. Indiana is in some shit. I don't think this is really news to anyone, but whoever the new AD is will have to clean up the mess left by Greenspan. Sure, the punishment may be to drop a few schollies or whatever, but the image of the university's storied basketball program has been tarnished. The new guy will have to be someone with a history of a clean program, or some d-bag, no-nonsense chump with a crew-cut. Tom Crean will be a solid fit as far as following rules, but will he win enough games? Plus, don't you think it will be tough to do your job with (IU) president McRobbie on your back constantly? You will be under unbearable pressure to succeed, while trying to recreate the angelic image that IU has gotten...from themselves.
2. Indiana's football team is a shitty piece of shit. Yeah, there are other sports at IU. You didn't know that because the Hoosiers suck so bad at them (except soccer or whatever). I know they went to a bowl last year, but everybody goes to a bowl. They also got throttled. No one cares about football in Bloomington, Mr. AD. Your job is to make them care, because there is an entire season devoted to the sport. I'm tired of seeing Colts jerseys.
3. You have to live in Bloomington. I have lived in Danville, and I have never lived in a place where it rains more. It's not just rain, either. It's a pouring, painful driving storm for hours on end. Plus, it gets down to like four degrees in the winter, and it's like 250 in the summer, plus humidity. As I've said before, there should be a sign when you drive in saying, "Welcome to Bloomington: If it ain't rainin', it's snowin'." OK, it's nice in the fall, but who cares, the football team licks balls? The traffic is unbearable, and there's nowhere to park---ever. And the Asians. My God, the Asians. They do have a pretty rockin' pizza joint, though.

So. Here's some fodder, HG. Do your worst.