Coaching Lessons, with Bruce Pearl

First, before I berate Bruce Pearl, I would like to call to attention the glaring and awful mistake I made in my MLK post. In it, I referred to UF's Walter Hodge as Julius, ex-NC State guard. Whoops. Anyway, some reader posting in anonymity had a pretty witty way of calling it to my attention. Check out the comments section of the post in question. Surprisingly, that's the first mistake I've ever made on this blog! I've been sensational until now; it smells bad down here with all you mortals.

OK, on to Pearl.

Lesson #1: Half-court offense
What? Oh, we don't do that. In the event that a half-court offense is absolutely necessary, force threes and take contested shots. It's really the only way to "zone bust," or whatever coaches call it. If you have a, say, Chris Lofton, just run him off screens until he can hoist a fade-away three.

Lesson #2: Press!
You really need to press teams nonstop, even if they consistently break it. The key here is, after they break it, make sure that they score so that the shift to a transition offense will be smooth. Also, if they can score inside it's a bonus! That means they have to run farther back down the floor. Giving up dunks is ideal.

Lesson #3: Transition Defense
Leave shooters, allow cutters to run unscathed to the basket, don't stop the ball; basically, do whatever is necessary to force a quick, uncontested shot. More possessions for us, more points!

Lesson #4: Foul Shooting
Hmm. We don't really work on this much in practice, we're usually too busy having three-point contests and and wagering how long it will take until Wayne Chism's headband pops off. We teach a philosophy where we hope our players don't get fouled, yet we like to bitch constantly about the lack of calls that go our way.

Lesson #5: Sideline Demeanor/Wardrobe
I like to dress as abrasively as possible, so that the refs can always find me. Oh, and sweat. I like to look like I just hiked through a giant microwave. Also, be sure to throw up some goofy smiles while verbally assaulting officials. This tactic, with the flaming orange blazer, will arouse descriptions of you being a "great personality," not a "total asshole."

Lesson #6: Poise
Totally fucking freak out when the game gets close in the second half.

Really, could that team have played with less poise? I would say act like you've been there, but that would be tough. You're a johnny-come-lately program with a johnny-come-lately coach. It wasn't that tough to expose your gimmicky bullshit. My bet is that every team that plays UT for the remainder of the season will employ the same game plan as UK, and the opposition will experience much more success than they have previously (I'm looking at you, Vandy...don't get in a track meet next time...you're welcome). I don't think teams will have the same success UK did, but I think last night showed that maybe UT is not a top ten team.

That said, we looked great last night. Finally, for the first time this season, we had only mere minutes of frustrating play. Most of the game we were in control of our bodies, and we usually passed it to our own team! Our defense was awesome; Ramel played great against Lofton, who, if he had the touches in space, could've easily gone for thirty. We were poised down the stretch, and we looked like an actual good team. Isn't it nice to be confident that we will hit free throws late? Meeks and Jasper are adding the stability we need in the backcourt, and it looks like P. Steve may be ready to take over for Mark Coury, who, in the humble opinion of, well, the universe, is bad at this whole "basketball" thing. Hopefully Joe's leg isn't broken (it has probably already been amputated if our previous luck is any indication), and we can ride this wave to 12-4...or 10-6...or whatever.

UL/USF should be a dandy. Maybe not; I didn't even know USF had a basketball team. Oh, and whoever was pumping the "South Florida is the biggest school in Florida" line to me is a liar. Florida is...then Central Florida.