Willie Mays is Alive?!

Ah, the All-Star game. The pageantry, the majesty, the...awkwardness. It's time to do away with the pregame nonsense that accompanies the game. Is anything more awkward than an old baseball player being paraded around the field in either a crappy golf cart or, in the case of last night, a pink Cadillac. Aren't those associated with hookers or something? Then he starts chucking baseballs into the crowd (and almost into a security guard's junk) to his "adoring" faithful. I say this with a certain degree of facetiousness as at least 30% of that crowd is too young to care about Willie. Even I, an avid baseball fan who realizes his greatness and importance, don't care about him. Announce him; give him a nice ovation; then start the game. I can't help but feel like this is Chris Berman's fault. He always overreacts with shit like this and gets emotional. God, he is such a douche.

Barry Bonds is creepy. He has a scary voice and a gigantic dome. Why was he trying to hold Mays' hand as they walked? I understand that he is his godfather, but get away from him. Let him enjoy his moment without you hanging all over him. He probably hates you like everybody else because you're a 'roid head anyway.

Uh-oh Card's fans. is Brian Brohm about to go the way of Dave Ragone? Maybe....http://www.brianbrohm.info. Last time the Cards hyped a QB, Ragone ended up doing his best impression of Heath Schuler all season. It was bad. I understand that Brohm is MUCH better than Ragone; and he has a genuine shot at the Heisman. He won't win though. Because he plays for Louisville. Face it d-bags, no one cares about DA VILLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! THROW UP YOUR L'SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! Does that portrayal have enough obnoxiousness to be accurate?

One more thing about DA VILLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! I stupidly read your message boards sometimes and there is still bitching about how much better you would've been with Mike Bush. It's true. You would've been. But that's over. You won the damn Orange Bowl. Be happy about that. Injury excuses are so lame. This is one lesson I learned as a roofer....

Story: Early one morning, our fearless leader, Larry, nearly sawed his leg off. It was gross. There was, however, an aura of excitement surrounding my cohorts and I as we suspected that without a foreman, we'd be told to head on home. Just as that feeling began to dance in or hard-hats, an ambitious dolt (my father), picked up the saw and simply stated, "Nuthin' we can do but work, boys." Our hopes were dashed. So, in the face of adversity, we did our duty with Larry left bleeding to death in the truck. He lived, and for one short day, Eddie was king.

Moral: When using a saw, move the blade AWAY from your body.

Set your watch; the All-Star game madness continues tonight as the Futures game is on at 8. Also, what the hell is Fred Hickman doing with this "First Take?" He seems like he doesn't know shit about sports. But Candy Maldanado does; thus, he will be a guest on the show tonight at 10. The Candyman can.