How to fix the NCAA tourney? Let me count the ways
Can't wait!The NCAA didn't ask, but as we approach the second week of the college basketball tournament, I'm sure that august body is interested in some unsolicited suggestions to help make March even madder.
Zero, so far.
Maybe you didn't know there are ways to improve the tournament. There are. Lots of them. Some are silly, some serious, but all are doable. Such as:
I hate to bust in before you run off your stupid little list, but why do people think it necessary to fuck with the tournament? It can't be because they're too stupid to think of an original column, could it?
Give catchy names for the first two rounds. Do you really have to make the Sweet 16 or Elite Eight for teams to brag about in next year's media guide? What's so sweet about 16 anyway? Why not crow about making the Semi-Sweet 64? Or the Thrilling 32?
Is this one of the "joke-y" ones, or are you serious? Either way: terrible.
Expand the field by three, with three more play-in games to give one at every regional. The added appeal is that some of these would be more intriguing than this year's Morehead State-Alabama State game. I didn't watch a single minute of that one.
Then you missed the over-celebrations of a potentially-handicapped boygirl.
But I would if it were Saint Mary's-Davidson
Yes, reward teams that didn't make the tourney with one more shot! I think 65 is enough.
or Kentucky-Creighton.
Genius!
Seriously, though, if you can't break into the top 65, a line must be drawn. Where will this end?
Sign retired analyst Billy Packer up for 24/7 Twitter.
'That Twitter has been in the news. I hear my kids talking about it. They'll think I'm hip if I work it into my column.
First, tell Billy what Twitter is.
It's a gigantic black penis.
Make the tournament field 128 teams and scrap those god-awful conference tournaments that make a buck and only deprive a worthy team with a great regular season of its deserved spot in the field.
Oh, so no explanation as to why you'd sign Packer up to Twitter? And now you're reverting back to your previous argument, and amending it with quite possibly the stupidest piece of shit argument you could make.
First of all, filling out a bracket would take an entire day.
Second, why can't you, like every normal human being, see the conference tournament's as a play-in tournament? And how are worthy team's deprived? You do know there are like 34 at-large bids, yes? And who sits on their couch, Thursday afternoon, and says 'fuck! No Days of Our Lives because there's goddam daytime college basketball?'
Women, that's who. You're a woman.
Have former coaches — the ones who just loved officials — referee the play-in games. Now if Bobby Knight were officiating the Morehead State game, I would have watched. You think Gene Keady would have taken any lip if he had a whistle? They'd be ratings bonanzas.
You know, that's a good point. They would be "ratings bonanzas." Mainly because there are enough sick people in our country who would tune in to see the two biggest assholes have heart attacks on national television.
Have referees serve as color analysts of tournament games and tell stories about which coaches curse the most, which whine the most and those that they think do the best and worst jobs coaching their teams.
'Then, you could put tape recorders in everyone's living rooms, broadcast their voices live, and we could have everyone in unison say, 'who gives a shit?''
Always send North Carolina and Duke to the West. That'd qualify as a real economic stimulus with their passionate fans.
Hi-yo! Stimulus joke! Our nation's in ruins! Hahahahahah....
Set up dunking booths for AIG executives at every regional site. Dump an exec, you get his bonus.
Keep it rolling! Show the people you're tuned in.
Let Obama work as a basketball analyst. He's obviously done his homework. Well, kind of.
What?
Remove the Final Four locations from these football domes, please. Sorry, Jerry.
OK, that's rational.
Sure, the NCAA will squeeze more than 70,000 into Ford Field in Detroit next month, but a return to more intimate, true basketball arenas would restore some of the mystique to the tournament. Besides, didn't greed get our country into the mess it's in now in the first place?
Let's lay off the economy for a bit.
Heck, play the Final Four in the "Hoosiers" Hinkle Fieldhouse on Butler's campus in Indianapolis. And let Gene Hackman, my favorite actor, serve as guest coach.
Yes, I'm sure UNC would love that stunt.
Stick Obama on the NCAA selection committee. Or Knight. And televise the deliberations. Give it an R rating. Stick it on HBO if you have to.
Who organized this? You're all over the place.
Reveal the bracket entry of a different celebrity before every tournament game and then track it. Have dueling brackets like Angelina Jolie's vs. Jennifer Anniston's. Or Roger Clemens' versus Brian McNamee's. And Mack Brown's vs. Bob Stoops' with closest predicted score for the championship game as the, uh, tiebreaker.
This has nothing to do with the actual tournament. In fact, as a media member, you could run this little tournament.
Call traveling.
Jerry Smith.
Play the "One Shining Moment" theme song every night. Sorry, but I love it.
'I love it so much that I want it to annoy the shit out of me next week!'
Here's an outrageous one. In the spirit of the World Series, make the national championship game two out of three.
No.
Hey, we've already established that greed is a factor, right?
Um, you did.
What, is CBS going to turn down an extra game or two?
Probably not.
Put more representatives of mid-major conferences on the selection committee.
I'm bored.
Have interviews with former refs on blown calls, nightmares and ensuing death threats. Find the Don Denkinger of college hoops. Do feature stories on refs to show that they're, well, almost human.
Uh, yeah, that's a great idea for a column. I wish you knew a newspaper columnist...
Rename the winning cup the John Wooden Trophy. Why hasn't this already been done?
Because he's not dead yet. And he creeps everyone out. And he may have cheated.
Force every Division I school from one of the big six major conferences to play a mid-major team on the road after Christmas.
Nothing to do with improving the tournament.
If it's not a problem, move this year's national title game to a Tuesday. Monday is opening day for most major league baseball teams.
Luckily, there are no teams opening their season on Tuesday. Oh, except the Brewers, Giants, Braves, and Phillies.
Rename this year's tournament the Big East Invitational.
That sounds like a god-awful conference tournament.
Finally, end all the denial and go to three-day work weeks in March, Monday through Wednesday. We'd at least save on gas mileage to "work."
Yes, skip work. You're employer isn't looking for any reason to fire you.
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