Coaching, With Clyde

As a fictional private investigator (am I fictional? Or an investigator? Neither? Both? You don't know, do you?), I'm adept at unearthing some of the world's most guarded documents. Today, I discovered a packet with information so sensitive it may make your teeth hurt really badly if you were to bite into it. That's right, I found Billy Clyde's coaching philosophy, neatly stapled and collated, and clearly written by a second party, as there is no evidence of rampant double-negative use..

Luckily, no one reads this blog, so the information is safe. Read with caution, though.

Defense:

Man-to-man at all times. No questions asked. If a player is clearly too short/slow/white to effectively carry out his assignment, tell that pussy to toughen up. If players aren't completely dejected after an opponent's made basket, YELL LOUDER. And demean them in post game press conferences, if necessary. Otherwise, demean the interviewer. More on that later.

Rebounding:

Catch the ball, preferably while in the air, after a missed shot. When dealing with a player like Perry Stevenson, who vigorously snatches the ball after made baskets, be sure to hammer home the previous point.

Offense:

When facing a man-to-man (and the opposing coach would have to be an absolute retard to run a zone), have your best player run off screens to fire threes. If he's off, pray your talented center can get put-backs. This should work 95% of the time.

If el Retardo decides that he wants to be a little bitch and run a zone, set the same screens on the unmoving defenders. Also, flashing the middle is for pansies. The best way to beat a zone is to wear your players out by running them all over the floor, while the defense remains stationary. Eventually, a 30-footer should be open.

Ideally, against a zone, baskets should be as sparse as soccer goals. You want viewers to be astounded when the ball goes in the hoop. Baskets will come as the result of a perfectly executed play that has several stages. Sure it may only happen once every seven or eight possessions, but again, only losers zone.

Substitutions:

You want to keep your guys guessing, as well as the opponent. That way, no one really knows what to prepare for. Plus, if your players can't figure out what pleases you, they may do it by accident. Also: bitch about lack of chemistry/execution, though don't change anything. For instance, if your team, say, turns the ball over a lot, don't make any changes, even if it's abundantly clear what the problem is. Toughness should persevere.

Fans:

Cry at social events, kiss babies, smile for pictures, and get fucking shit-canned at every opportunity. People will constantly give you alcohol; it's awesome. You can't fuck this up.

Media:

When asked questions that you don't have a reasonable answer for, attack the questioner. If your team is full of pussies and you're forced to attack them during an interview, be sure to be extra offended if someone mentions a specific player's performance at a later date. Think T.O.'s "that's my quarterback" speech. Perfect execution.

There's probably more, but this should be fine for now.