Psychology Study: In-Class Ambition

I feel like I should be totally forthright and honest: I'm not a psychologist. I took one psychology class in college, and we put those sticky things on our domes to monitor our brain activity or something. We talked some about how Freud banged his mom, or whatever, and watched videos. Us, not Freud. It was awesome. Anyway, I'm not a licensed psychologist.

I tell you all this because I am going to embark on a study of a phenomenon that I call In-Class Ambition. ICA occurs while one is sitting in class, any class, and pretending like they are paging through their notes when professors ask open-ended questions. Typically, in class, my brain is divided into three portions: the portion that is in class, the portion that is out of class, and the portion of reason---that's the smallest. Allow me to lead you through my first case study, which occurred yesterday.

Scene: A class full of people smarter than me. We're discussing a book that we read, or anything, for that matter. Here's a sampling of my quadrants' dialogue.

Reason: It's cold in here.
Out-of-class: I wonder how many words a minute I can type. I should work on that. When I get home, I'm testing myself.
Reason: No you won't.
Out-of-class: Yes I will. I'm going to do the dishes, laundry, and walk L.J. too. I'll work out, shower, and get the mail, too.
In Class: Oh my god. She looks like she's going to call on someone. Look busy. (Feverishly paging through notebook.)
Reason: Good work. Now back to drawing bubble letters.
Out-of-class: Anyway, I got a lot of work...
Reason: You won't do any of it.
Out-of-class: Shut up! Sure I will. It's better than this. Anything's better than class, right? Even when class is interesting, it's still feels imprisoning.
In-class: What's that word mean? Did we all read the same book? (Begin drawing boobs.)
Out-of-class: I bet if I wore enough clothes, I could run outside. My nipples might chafe, though. And bleed. Like those marathoners. That's sick. Those guys have diarrhea after they run sometimes...or during.
Reason: Let's bring it back...
Out-of-class: Good point. Back to my list: I'll lift, run, and do a bunch of chores, then I'll walk the dog.
In-class: OK, couple minutes left. Initiate fake-writing, furrowed brow, and deep thought sequence. Perfect executi---"Yes? Oh, well, yeah. Um, the author's tone is that of alarm..."
Reason: Stop talking so loud.
In-class: "...but I don't really understand his concern. I mean, weren't there...."
Reason: You're shouting.
In-class: "...curmudgeon's in every generation?"
Reason: Good work, a question of your own. That'll show 'em! You're a moron.
In-class: That wraps it up. Brutal. Be the first one out, so no one talks to you.
Out-of-class: Time to start my list!
Reason: I hate both of you.

As I exit the building into the weather abortion that is Bloomington, all my ambition floats away. I get home, drink bourbon, and play video games. I had visions of ultra-productivenss in class, but by the time it was over, I didn't do anything.