The Pac-10, and its Glory

I'm not really in the business of psycho-criticizing professional's work, but after watching the Rose Bowl yesterday and reading this article by Plaschke, well, I just had to do something.

It's entirely possible that--had I not watched the Rose Bowl and heard the sounds of overzealous rimming from Musberger in the second half--this piece wouldn't piss me off too much. It's a home town writer giving his home town team some kudos. However, he goes waaaaaaaay over the top. Waaaaaaaaay.

(Bold his)

USC saves its best for last and deserves a reward

K.

You saw it, you vote it.

I guess we should all stop reading now, as we don't have votes.

In the wake of a monumental Rose Bowl scrubbing Thursday, the challenge now lies with the rolled-up sleeves of the Associated Press poll.

I don't know if you guys ever took my advice to wander over to the now-defunct FJM, but if you did, or if you were just a huge Plaschke fan, you'd already know his annoying little habit of over-writing EVERYFUCKINGTHING. Why was this monumental (Seriously, is this the most Rose Bowls won in a row or something? I'm serious.)? 38-24, a scrubbing? First, what's a scrubbing? Second, and I'll grant that the game was out of hand throughout, but PSU could've pulled within 7 late if they weren't so damn incompetent. Third, Penn State is incompetent.

USC cannot win the Bowl Championship Series national title, but the fifth-ranked Trojans can still win an AP national championship.

Nut-graf'd.

After a breathtaking Pasadena afternoon marked by streaks of cardinal flying over lumps of white, couldn't they?

Yes. For that matter, so could Georgia. Or, oh I don't know, anyone that gets enough votes. Since when was beating mighty Penn State, or, "lumps of white," I suppose, your ticket to an automatic championship? And you can't say 1994.


Unless something more inspiring happens in the final week of the bowl season, shouldn't they?

See what he did with the questions there? Oh, and no.

You say crazy.

Yes...

I say, they just beat the crew cuts off a sixth-ranked Penn State team that was one point from playing in the national championship game, a 38-24 victory that didn't feel nearly that close.

First, stop talking like that. It's extremely condescending and indirect. Say what you want to say, asshole, without telling me what I'm saying. "Beat the crew cuts?" Maybe Plaschke thinks this is 1994.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank that "one point," and Iowa, as all of you should also. Because holy fuck would OU and PSU be a shitty national championship.

You say, what about the lousy Pacific 10 Conference?

Oh good, still. And yes, I do say that. I hope he tells us what he'll say next...

I say,

Yes!

the conference is 5-0 in bowl games, and if the quality of the neighborhood mattered a month ago, it should matter now.

OK. This again. First, "quality of the neighborhood?" Fine. Second, it does matter. Hence, the national championship game between a Big 12 team and an SEC team. Oh, and you should maybe stray from the whole "quality" thing, after beating up on another shitty Big 10 team. But yes, it should matter.

And using the bowl record as the crux of any argument is plain stupid. Unless, of course, you were arguing the least-effective way of determining a team's strength.

You say, what about the four one-loss teams ahead of USC?

I guess there's no reason why I wouldn't say that.

I say, if Texas and Alabama both struggle in bowl games, and if the national title game between Florida and Oklahoma is a dud, nothing will be as impressive as this.

This is always a fuzzy argument. How can the title game be a dud? You mean, like, if it's 3-0 (mighty Oregon State over Pitt)? And, I'm not even looking at the quality of the two teams involved. If Tebow and Bradford and Harvin and Demps and Inglesias and James and Urb and Moody and Rainey produce a "dud," then you win.

I'm guessing nobody will beat a higher-ranked team worse.

A fairly safe bet, I'd say, unless Utah really is Utah and 'Bama treats them as such.

I'm certain nobody will dominate another one-loss team more.

Again, Penn State was a better-than-average team. They weren't a Texas or Florida or 'Bama or Oklahoma.


It was 31-7 at halftime, the Trojans gaining nearly twice as many yards with nearly three times as many first downs.

It was 38-14 early in the fourth quarter, the Trojans outgaining the Nittany Lions, 497-280, before using the rest of the game to celebrate.

Yes, 'twas a shit-kicking. I'll grant that. Again, I don't like the "oh, we were celebrating, that's how they made it close." Did LSU celebrate against GT? Fuck no. They whipped their dicks out and faked a punt up 38-3 in the 4th. Why? Because I'm pretty sure Les Miles thinks they have a shot at the AP title.

...

It was Joe Paterno looking as lost as I'd ever seen him, saying something about an opponent I never thought I'd hear him say.

"I think Southern Cal has every right to say they're as good as anybody else in the country," he said.

He's right, they do. However, they shouldn't get the national championship because they beat arguably the 10th best team.

It was Pete Carroll looking as happy as I'd ever seen him, saying something that he hasn't believed until now.

After offering respect to the teams playing for the national title, he then said, "I don't think anybody can beat us. This is a terrific finishing program. We can play 'D.' We can throw the ball if we have to. We can run the ball if we have to. We're just really, really hard to beat right now."

He has every right to say, and believe, that. They could beat anyone in the country. However, they beat Penn fucking State. When Texas throttles Ohio State, won't they have this argument? Won't they have a better argument? Conjecture, I apologize. Won't they, though?

They are really hard to beat at the end of every season, but, aside from the BCS national title victory over Oklahoma, this may be Carroll's best finish yet.

Why? Because they beat up another Big 10 team? Nothing against USC, because it's not their fault, but they smash the same crappy Big 10 teams every year. When Texas rolled in, featuring an offense devoid of white ball carriers, the 'Horns won.

Hand the championship to the team that is playing the best at the end, and the Trojans arguably could have won six of the last seven national titles.

Why in the fuck would we ever want to do that? Logically, then, UGA won last year. Hey, they kicked the shit out of their bowl opponent! What a terrible plan.


In November, Mark Sanchez was being questioned as a quarterback and leader.

On Thursday, after accounting for all five touchdowns with four passes and a run, he stood on the famed band ladder and listened to fans literally beg him -- "One more year, one more year" -- to stay for his senior season.

"It's going to be hard to say goodbye to this place," he said later. "I don't think I can do it."

A month ago, Damian Williams was a promising receiver without a 100-yard game or a Mike Williams-type moment.

On Thursday, he had both, catching 162 yards worth of passes, including the trend-setting first touchdown when he simply ran away from this poor outmatched safety named Anthony Scirrotto.

Wait, what? Who gives a shit? This has nothing to do with your argument.

"Playing on this kind of national stage, this kind of win should say a lot," Damian Williams said.

A lot, yes. Not too much, though.


Playing in a fourth consecutive Rose Bowl against another Big Ten tomato can, I thought USC would be bored. Instead, the Trojans bored, directly into the psyche of the overmatched Nittany Lions, hitting them with Kyle Moore jabs and Kaluka Maiava crosses and more speed than you find on the Glendale Freeway at midnight.

He wins awards for this. No shit. I can't verbalize how much I hate that second sentence. Or textualize. But I'll try: Fucking Fuckity Fuck you fucking Glendale fucking freeway????

That didn't go well.


"You could see it right away, they were really caught off-guard, they don't see a lot of this in the Big Ten," said linebacker Brian Cushing. "Even in the first quarter, they started getting tired."

This is quite bad for your argument. They were tired in the first quarter?


Playing in a no-win situation in their first virtually meaningless game in a year,I though [sic] USC would be restless. Instead, the Trojans were relentless, scoring 24 points in less than a dozen minutes in that second quarter, sending Penn State running.

Not your fault, exactly. But you're still an asshole. And yes, they had a strong second quarter.

"I remember coming to the line and hearing one of their coaches shouting to the defensive backs, 'Back up! Back up!' " recalled receiver Ronald Johnson. "Those guys just bailed."

Were you playing a middle school team?

At the end of a season in which many suspected that USC has the ability to be the best team in the country, the Trojans finally acted like it.

Oh yes, I nearly forgot, the FUCKING POINT.


There was the USC team bouncing on to the field in an impromptu celebration -- with nearly two hours left in the game.

Well, why not? The best always act like that. That's the mark of a great team: Celebrating too early, forcing the opponent back into the game. It's called hospitable instinct.

There was a touchdown ball being grabbed and pumped and paraded down the sidelines -- by Carroll.

Act like you've been there before. You have, so this is weird.


This was so crazy at one point, all of USC's demons disappearing, all of their potential roaring, that Carroll claimed an unnamed football executive called the officials at halftime and ordered them to give his team a 15-yard penalty if they didn't halt the sideline celebrations.

"I was going to get the penalty called on us just so we could get a penalty called on us for having too much fun," Carroll said. "I forgot."

Well, that's kind of a neat story. Too bad it didn't happen. Too bad, also, that it, again, has nothing to do with your argument. Jesus, Bill, stay on task.

Will the journalist voters forget?

To vote? No.

They shouldn't.

They won't. I already said that. Stop answering your own questions. It's really obnoxious.

They didn't forget when USC won the Associated Press vote and split the national title after the 2003 season. They never forget when they have a chance to stick it to the BCS.

Voters now have less reason to hold the loss against Oregon State against USC, and no reason to hold their lack of fulfilled potential against them.

It wasn't a bad loss. At all. I don't want to say that I completely disagree here. I disagree, sure. But there's an argument. Perhaps a writer with a less-convoluted style will argue it for you.

Once again, the Trojans have waited until their final kick to show their best stride. Once again, it is more powerful than anything anybody has shown until now.

Wow, that is unequivocally incorrect. Did you watch Florida play anyone? Did you watch OU and Texas Tech? Did you?

You say, isn't it too late? I say, it never is?

Too late? For what? Why would I say that? Is the vote over? It never is? What? What never is? The vote? Beating a shitty team in a bowl? Whining? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Why do you ask so many goddamned questions? Your columns are like a fucking quiz.