I Don't Want to do This

I really don't. I know you'll think that I'm delighted to come to this conclusion, but I'm not. Oh well, here goes: the Big East sucks.

Hold it. Hold it right there. That's hyperbole, folks. Obviously, the BE doesn't suck. I'm just trying to pull you in. It's a journalism tool. I learned it from Plaschke. Basically, you glibly toss out a statement, don't back it up, then return to the original thesis as if you'd sufficiently supported it. Those aren't journalism tools--at all.

Anyway, before I rethink this, I'd like to explain my reasoning as to why the BE is 2nd to one, then a gap, then the rest of Amurrica.

First of all, UL is not only the most athletic team in the league, they are pretty much the only team that has more than one athlete. Here's how a BE team is typically built, complete with made up names and dimensions:

PG, Terry Borders, 5'11'', 175: Borders is fast, a solid ball-handler, and a completely inept scorer. He'll break your press...then botch a lay-up or fire a one-handed bounce pass to the towel boy.

SG, Kerry Tollefson, 6'2'', 190: This guy might be white; otherwise, he'll be a black dude with a white name. Sometimes he'll go for 30; typically, though, he'll go 3-15. He will be the most skilled player on the floor, but more raw than some asshole comedian who describes his "edgy" set as such.

SF, Sammy Jakes, 6'8'', 215: This is where the players get huge. Sammy made a three against Seton Hall, so now he jacks whenever his team falls behind late (read: when the score reaches the fifties). Great rebounder and shover.

PF, Bull McKillingtop, 6'9'', 220: Vertical: 9''.

C, Rock Trainwhistle, 6'11'', 245: Basically a fat fuck, who's described as "athletic" because he doesn't shit himself when T-Bord fires a no-look into his gut. Just...finished....his........post.........move......................now!

Look at the top league players. Sam Young is a good player. Blair's huge and strong. Devendorf's a gun. Flynn's good. Thabeet is uncoordinated. Tory Jackson is a turnover. Harangody shoots like a chick. McAlarney is streaky. Monroe's young and still a little raw.

The players are big, strong, and good at rebounding. Awesome. Watching Louisville drag these teams is very difficult. No one in the league can guard T-Will or Earl. They can't run with them. But they'll out-rebound 'em, by god!

So, who's better? Really, there isn't much out there. UK would finish at least 8th in the league. However, I don't think there's a team in the BE that UK couldn't beat--if just once out of ten. The Big 12? OU is probably pretty good; Texas as well. The SEC is a pile of shit.

That leaves the ACC. Of course there's no way to quantify these teams objectively, but I would offer that UNC, Wake, and Duke are better than every BE team. Of course that means they are top-heavy, but so is the BE. Teague, Ellington, Lawson, and Henderson are better than any guards the BE has (T-Will and Flynn are up there). Obviously the BE wins in terms of brawn, but where does brawn get you when you need points? Every BE game between Pitt and G'town and 'Cuse and 'Nova comes down to a free throw shooting/shoving match in the post. No one can score, except UConn and UL, and they can't do it consistently.

This is not all to say that a BE team won't reach the Final Four. UL has a great shot, as does UConn. Pitt won't. G'town won't. ND won't get close. Syracuse is a joke. That said, I think the three ACC teams have a better shot, especially Duke and UNC. Wake can get there, but they'll probably choke.

Perhaps the coming weeks will demostrate my point better than the stream-of-consciousness ramble above. I predict UL and UConn will distance themselves from the rest of the league. I have no clue what Marquette's story is, but I assure you, UL isn't worried about them.

So, see. The Big East sucks. Like I said.