Monday, August 27, 2007

If You Like Chris Russo, Kill Yourself

I trust that many of you have not heard of Chris Russo, which is admirable. Russo is the co-host of the "Mike and Mad Dog" radio show from New York. He's the "mad dog" because he's so damn edgy! Anyway, I got his book counting down the top ten bests in many spots-related categories. Top ten NFL players, college basketball, fooball, etc. I took exception to his college football ranking because it had Vince Young tenth and he tried to justify his choice of young over Reggie Bush. Without going into detail, it sounded retarded. I let that go assuming that he just had some sort of man-crush. He continued making stupid picks with stupider reasoning but never enough to piss me off enough to say something. That was, until yesterday. Here is his list of the ten greatest sports venues:

10) Cameron Indoor - Of course, what a tool. He tried to justify this against Rupp Arena and he said Rupp was too big to be cozy. Well, in that breath, Cameron Indoor is too shitty to be peed on.

9) Camden Yards - Whatever. He likes Camden Yards. Fine.

8) The Orange Bowl - He talks about how shitty it is, yet he includes it.

7) Wimbledon - Tennis blows. He also gets all uppity and pretends like he's really classy and we're all just too stupid to understand the majesty of a thousand a-hole Brits watching a country club sport.

6) Fenway - OK, Fenway's cool. But he didn' like Wrigley because no big game has ever been won there. That's a stupid reason, but OK.

5) Augusta National - That's a golf course. But I guess that counts.

4) Notre Dame Stadium - OK. That place is cool.

3) Madison Square Garden - We should all bow to this shithole because it's in NYC. I'm OK with that being on the list but third best venue in the world?

2) Lambeau Field - Sure.

1) Yankee Stadium - Whatever.

OK, so we established his clear "I'm better than everyone because I'm from the North" attitude, which he screams at you the entire book. So what's missing? Well some people may notice that Churchill Downs didn't make the list. His criteria was based mostly on having a major sporting event occur there--the Derby is generally a pretty big deal. However, I'm not really sure if I would have noticed this omission if he hadn't attempted to justify it with a small write-up on why he kept it out. This was truly a treat to read. I'm going to go through it sentence by sentence and show exactly how wrong and stupid he is. I hope his awful writing will show because he is truly hurrendous. Bold words are his.


I know horse racing fans are going to get all over me on this one, but I just can't get excited about Churchill Downs: At this point I just thought, 'OK, this d-bag just doesn't like horse racing. Fine.' But it gets much worse.

To me it's another racetrack: It is another racetrack; only it houses the biggest and most important horse race of the year. Why isn't Augusta another golf course or Wimbledon another Tennis court? Because of the events you shithead. You said it yourself.

Saratoga has some charm to it: This is where it was obvious that he has never been to Churchill Downs. First of all, what does that even mean? Some charm? Is he talking about banging horses? Secondly, I watch enough TVG to see that Saatoga looks like complete ass on TV. That place blows. But it's in NY, so it fits this cocksucker's criteria. He fails completely to explain what he means by this, which he does quite often throughout the book.

Not Churchill Downs: Not a sentence.

There's no romance to the stupid building: Again, what does that mean? Romance? What stupid building? Does he mean the gigantic and beautiful multi-million dollar addition or the steeples, which are the most recognizable structures in all of sports. I guess they can lump together into a "stupid building."

And 51 weeks out of the year, it's pretty much another racetrack: Again, 51 weeks out of the year, Augusta is another golf course. Also, there isn't racing all 52 weeks, douchebag.

And the week leading up to the Kentucky Derby, it's the site of a huge social event: I think this sentence was to be included in his write-up if Churchill made the ten. We'll chalk this up to an editor's error, because it makes no sense in this context. I guess social events suck.

My sister-in-law goes to Churchill Downs with her husband so she can wear the latest hat design: All this proves is that your sister-in-law is a dumb skank. Don't blame Churchill Downs for her sucking.

Give me a freaking break: Uh-oh! Crazy New Yorker stickin' it to us dumb rednecks! Again, it's your fat sister-in-law (I'm just assuming she's fat because I'm running out of hateful adjectives).

She could care less about the race: OK, everyone gets it, you hate your sister-in-law. Is this really the way that you want to tell her? That makes you look like a pussy.

She doesn't know one horse from another: I guess she's stupid too, huh Chris? You're really pulling all the stops here...

She's just there to see and be seen: I'm with you, man. I hate that whore!

Most of the fans there are more interested in mint juleps than the history of the place: Sorry we are a bunch of drunk rednecks, Chris. We can't all be intellectuals like you, oh mighty one. Also, the very fact that you know that mint juleps exist show the reaching power of the Derby.

Me, if I've got to watch a horse race, I'd rather watch the Belmont Stakes when there's a Triple Crown on the line, and you've got people jazzed up, rooting for a horse like Smarty Jones: So many things wrong with this. First, it's a sentence that sounds like it was written by a third-grader. Next, of course you like the Belmont and Smarty Jones; the Belmont is in NY and Smarty was from Philly. We get it, you guys are great. Third, people are generally fairly "jazzed up" at the Derby. Fourth, what kind of dolt uses "jazzed up?"

You are such an amazingly huge douchebag that it blows my mind. Go to the Derby and listen to 180,000 people singing "My Old Kentucky Home." There's your romance you piss-ant. Not that crappy New York nonsense they play before the Belmont. That song sucks.

This is really just a taste of how bad this book is. It is actually so bad that it is really entertaining. I understand that these are his opinions, but he never has any real justification, though he tries. He really just uses a bunch of empty sayings and cliches that don't mean anything. He is really, really stupid. I could honestly write an entire book about everything that he is wrong about. I just may...

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well done. Guy's a deeeeeeee-bag.

Anonymous said...

You should actually write a book critiquing everyone one of his lists. He shouldn't have even mentioned Churchill. His list is defensible, but its his attempt to justify the ommission that he looks like a idiot. Good work!

TW

Brian said...

Exactly. If this douchepickle's list had the phrase "...in the world." and he didn't include places like

Wembley Stadium, London, England

The Nou Camp, Barcelona, Spain

The Colliseum, Rome, Italy. Get with the program, you historical limpdick.

Sporting events have been won and lost in these venues on a much greater scale, and a at a much greater frequency than Augusta National and Camden Yards put together.

Someone shoot this Russo douche.

Bick Rozich said...

This guy HAS to be related to that Glazer douche. Also, the Belmont sucks ninety percent of the time because you aren't always going to have a Smarty Jones or Funny Cide. Those horses choked anyway.

Anonymous said...

Has this guy not been to the backyard of 1109 to witness the grandest wiffle ball stadium of all time?

I must say this column was infinitely better than Sunday's rant.

Koach

Anonymous said...

fuck you, you piece of shit! if you dont like it...dont write about it!

Anonymous said...

Tell me the d-bag Russo himself didn't post at 7:41 yesterday.

Chris "where's my tampon" Russo

Anonymous said...

Evan,

This stuff is Gold! Gold! (Except for the disparaging UL comments...those I could do without.)

Banya

Unknown said...

indianapolis motor speedway. the indy 500 is pretty big and there's a bunch of history and 500,000 fans

j said...

Great write-up. I also hate that whore sister of his.