Eric Crawford is a Pud

A few weeks ago I said (not in writing) that Eric Crawford was "coming along!" I was completely wrong. He's not coming anywhere. His latest column he referenced Darth Vader, solidifying his spot in the hall of fame of douchedom. That's really all there is to say about him. As much as Rick Bozich is a blow-hard, Eric Crawford is just as much a cheese-dick. Furthermore, he looks like he's getting a bit of a ream from the tickle-monster in his picture. He should refer to Bozich and use his approach of having the same look he probably flashed when someone told him that you should begin and end each column with the same sentence. Some sort of "ah-ha" look. I realize I've discussed this before, but they are intolerable.

Hey! Let's talk about me! Apparently some man has given me some independent writing duties for a couple of magazines that, in all actuality, do not exist. Allegedly these magazines will be launched mid-September so if you see ads for Amateur Golfer (or Amateur Porn) or Sports Digest then buy! I have a few assignments. My first article is, you guessed it, to interview Frank Gore. Unfortunately I just lost his cell number so that may be a challenge. Instead I had to be the "con" in an argument about whether or not Bonds should be in the HOF. Which was easy because he's an asshole.

Well that's it. Our season ended mercilessly on Thursday and I'm not over it enough to discuss the epic battle. It was the true David v. Goliath story...minus the beginning and the outcome...so really just the middle was very David v. Goliath-ish.

Heal Aldolfo. If not for me, do it for your biggest fan Dick Stockton...

The Vick's are Degenerates

I, admittedly, am not an animal lover. I have nothing against animals (except when the pee and poo on stuff), but I usually find it odd when people cry and shit when one dies (Barbaro...). Perhaps I would understand if I owned one; as for now, I just hope they don't pee on my clothes. However, the footage of dog fights is absolutely insane. What is wrong with people? Is there nothing better for rich people to do with there time? Or is it that Vick is just a total loser? Apparently this runs in the family, as Marcus is also a complete piece of shit. Recall he is the one who provided two girls, aged 14 and 15, with alcohol. In return they had to strip for him. Good work, Marcus. Anyway, I find it really difficult to understand why athletes with all the talent, fame, and money in the world to keep from doing this ridiculous shit. Marcus Vick could have banged nearly any girl in Blacksburg on name alone; but he decides, instead, to intoxicate high school freshman. What a creep. Regardless, Petrino is not going to put up with this garbage for long. Plus, I don't think Vick is his guy anyway. Culpepper is now available though...

Aramis Ramirez is awesome. I will say that he got a little excited with his bat flip last night, but who cares. When the Cubs need a big hit, he is definately who we need swinging. Lee is all but finished in that role as he swings through every single fastball he sees and Soriano just swings. Ramirez is patient and he always hits the ball very hard. If he keeps this up and the rest of the Cubs keep playing (and pitching) as well as they have since June, they will win the Central with ease. I guess we'll have to wait and see what weird shit goes down to ruin their chances at getting to the series this year. Or they'll just lose to the Mets or something.

I hope they can continue winning. Rich Hill looked a lot more together last night, but they should never lose to the Giants. They suck.

Welcome to Chicago Jason Kendall! I have hated you your entire career, but now I love you! See how that works? God I hope the Cubs don't sign Ryan Freel, Milton Bradley, Jason Larue, or Ty Cobb; if that happens, I'd have to puncture my eyeballs.

Rick Bozich is clearly a big fan of timeliness. Today, for instance, he wrote about Billy Donovan and how he made a good decision staying at Florida. Didn't that happen months ago? Does it take that long for Blow-zich to formulate a coherent thought? I understand that it was SEC media day, but isn't there more pertinent news like, oh I don't know, what UK's coach said! I don't know if I speak for everyone when I say that I don't give two shits about "Billy the Kid" anymore. He is at Florida; they are going to suck; and he f-ed over the Magic. This article should have been published the week that he went back to Florida, and it still would have sucked balls.

But you were right about one thing: you going to Minnesota would've kicked so much ass. Apparently that is where we send all the unwanted...

Sweet Lou Reads the Blog...

It looks as if Piniella has taken my advice. After reading a previous post, he has decided to move Soriano to the five spot against lefties. Sure that's only like twenty percent of the games, but it's a start. Now the rest of you need to follow Lou's lead and listen and adhere to all things said on Rant-astic!

When did Dick Stockton start doing baseball? More importantly, when will that end? Not only was he completely awkward and unsure about everything that he said, he made at least two glaring mistakes. First, he called Alfonso Soriano "Aldolfo." If anyone can present proof to me that there is one person in the world named "Aldolfo" I'd be shocked. Second, he said that Derrek Lee played last season with the Brewers and Rangers. I can see that he meant Astro Carlos Lee, but get it together, Dick. If FOX isn't going to send Joe Buck, then don't televise the game.

Gary Sheffield????????????? Listen, Sheff, I think that the wagging of your bat is not a nervous twitch. I think, instead, that it is telling you "no." As in, don't speak when there are cameras and microphones around. First you say stupid shit about Latin American players; then you bad-mouth Joe Torre and Derek Jeter. You're really stupid.

Apparently every meaningful sportwswriter was on vacation this weekend because "The Sports Reporters" had Rick Bozich and some other tool I'd never seen on today. The first question posed was where A-Rod was going to end up last year. Each person had their stupid quip, but Blow-zich topped them all by answering the question with a question of his own. "Where is Scott Brosius?" OH! Take that Lupica! The rest of the show was filled with Rick's uncomfortable comments and unfinished thoughts. He was pretty much just on the set as the others bickered nonsensically for thirty minutes. Way to go Rick; you did us well.

In other C-J news, Brian Bennett looked to be a step late in linking Brian Brohm's stupid website. Also, I must say that Eric Crawford is slowly beginning to grow on me.