Sunday, September 14, 2008

What Comcast Did to Me

Comcast, one of the largest cable corporations on Earth, does not offer ESPN 360 nor does it allow for people, like me and you, to order only a weekend of ESPN GamePlan. Therefore, last night forced me out of my shithole apartment and into a shithole BW3's to watch UK play Middle Tennessee. Luckily, there were no other big games last night, especially games involving an annoying fan base...

Shortly after my arrival, I ask the bartender (a fat chick), if they would have the UK-Middle Tennessee game. Naturally, she was clueless. She proceeded to ask the dude with the remote if they were getting the Michigan State game. He sauntered over to me with the bad news, "MSU already played, brah," he belted.

I, outfitted in a UK shirt and hat, replied that I wanted UK, not Michigan State.

"Who dey playin'?"

"Middle Tennessee."

"Who?"

Luckily, I'd done my research. "Middle Tennessee. Look, it's channel 789 on Directv." Again, more reason why the workers at BW's should just hand the fucking remote over.

"7-8-9. There ya gah, brah." Disaster averted. Now I sat watching the screen with a giant map on it for fifteen minutes as the OSU d-bags started rolling in DEEP.

As UK kicked off, it was pretty nice in the joint. I sat with my beer, flanked by an old man and a Mexican from L.A. He flips houses. Nice guy. Kid on the way! Old man, not so much...

Invariably, the old man felt the need to talk to me. It was bad from the beginning, as he started with a loud, raunchy joke about old people having sex. Of course, he had to scream the punch line: "voodoo penis my ass!" (For the record, the old moron fucked the joke up.)

I could sense tension mounting between he and the bartenders, and I realized that the old codger was on a short leash. Then, like any respectful senior citizen would do, he pointed to the chunky bartender and yelled, "this fat cunt won't serve me anymore beer!"

It was just me and the Mexican at kickoff. Kickoff! Thank God, now I have reason to ignore all these weirdos and just watch football and not worry about who sits around me or how many OSU fans there are. (<---foreshadowing) Of course, as the game started, I just glued my eyes to the set, let out an audible, "fall on the fucking ball!", and pretended like I was watching at home. Quickly, an aside about commercials (as if this had any semblence of order). When you're alone at a bar watching something, what do you do at commercials? Or, Jesus, halftime? Luckily, I had OSU-USC, but I still had to endure commercials. I mean, you have to watch them, or else you look like a psycho staring at your food. Anyway, I'm going to briefly discuss both the Hardee's fake restaurant commercial, as well as Pizza Hut's. I want to know why we can't watch the tape of people reacting this way:

Hardee's
Bearded man: What did you get?
Emo dude: I dunno, just a burger.
BM: It's, I mean, fucking gigantic. How are you gonna eat that? Did they give you utensils? It's like 3 inches thick.
ED: Yeah, I know. I just wanted a hamburger. I can barely lift this. Plus, it tastes like what I imagine a wet cow would taste like. I might actually be having a heart attack. And my hands are covered in ketchup. This is just awful.
-end-

Pizza Hut
Wacky New Yorkah who love pasta Italian Hey!: Whatchu got?
Douchey chick: MMMMmmmmm. The fettucine! I love fettucine.
NYer: Well, taste. Whatchu think.
DC: Ew. Wow. It's pretty heavy. Oh dear. My (fart) stomach is starting to hurt (fart fart). This is, aww, is this covered in mayonnaise?
-end-

Seriously, people. Fast food is shitty.

Anyway, by 745, the place was packed with OSU fans and they were annoying. I remained focused on the shitshow UK game--which, luckily was on the big screen opposite the USC-OSU game. The spoils of arriving early. I was clearly the only person there watching UK, so it got a little tense as the cavalcade of mistakes commenced. By the Hail Mary, all eyes were on the UK game--and me--and the place erupted after Douchey McTrippyfoot caught the pass and I spilled my water. Luckily, well, you know what happened.

Anyway, fuck you Comcast. Fuck you up your stupid ass.

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