If You Like Chris Russo, Kill Yourself

I trust that many of you have not heard of Chris Russo, which is admirable. Russo is the co-host of the "Mike and Mad Dog" radio show from New York. He's the "mad dog" because he's so damn edgy! Anyway, I got his book counting down the top ten bests in many spots-related categories. Top ten NFL players, college basketball, fooball, etc. I took exception to his college football ranking because it had Vince Young tenth and he tried to justify his choice of young over Reggie Bush. Without going into detail, it sounded retarded. I let that go assuming that he just had some sort of man-crush. He continued making stupid picks with stupider reasoning but never enough to piss me off enough to say something. That was, until yesterday. Here is his list of the ten greatest sports venues:

10) Cameron Indoor - Of course, what a tool. He tried to justify this against Rupp Arena and he said Rupp was too big to be cozy. Well, in that breath, Cameron Indoor is too shitty to be peed on.

9) Camden Yards - Whatever. He likes Camden Yards. Fine.

8) The Orange Bowl - He talks about how shitty it is, yet he includes it.

7) Wimbledon - Tennis blows. He also gets all uppity and pretends like he's really classy and we're all just too stupid to understand the majesty of a thousand a-hole Brits watching a country club sport.

6) Fenway - OK, Fenway's cool. But he didn' like Wrigley because no big game has ever been won there. That's a stupid reason, but OK.

5) Augusta National - That's a golf course. But I guess that counts.

4) Notre Dame Stadium - OK. That place is cool.

3) Madison Square Garden - We should all bow to this shithole because it's in NYC. I'm OK with that being on the list but third best venue in the world?

2) Lambeau Field - Sure.

1) Yankee Stadium - Whatever.

OK, so we established his clear "I'm better than everyone because I'm from the North" attitude, which he screams at you the entire book. So what's missing? Well some people may notice that Churchill Downs didn't make the list. His criteria was based mostly on having a major sporting event occur there--the Derby is generally a pretty big deal. However, I'm not really sure if I would have noticed this omission if he hadn't attempted to justify it with a small write-up on why he kept it out. This was truly a treat to read. I'm going to go through it sentence by sentence and show exactly how wrong and stupid he is. I hope his awful writing will show because he is truly hurrendous. Bold words are his.


I know horse racing fans are going to get all over me on this one, but I just can't get excited about Churchill Downs: At this point I just thought, 'OK, this d-bag just doesn't like horse racing. Fine.' But it gets much worse.

To me it's another racetrack: It is another racetrack; only it houses the biggest and most important horse race of the year. Why isn't Augusta another golf course or Wimbledon another Tennis court? Because of the events you shithead. You said it yourself.

Saratoga has some charm to it: This is where it was obvious that he has never been to Churchill Downs. First of all, what does that even mean? Some charm? Is he talking about banging horses? Secondly, I watch enough TVG to see that Saatoga looks like complete ass on TV. That place blows. But it's in NY, so it fits this cocksucker's criteria. He fails completely to explain what he means by this, which he does quite often throughout the book.

Not Churchill Downs: Not a sentence.

There's no romance to the stupid building: Again, what does that mean? Romance? What stupid building? Does he mean the gigantic and beautiful multi-million dollar addition or the steeples, which are the most recognizable structures in all of sports. I guess they can lump together into a "stupid building."

And 51 weeks out of the year, it's pretty much another racetrack: Again, 51 weeks out of the year, Augusta is another golf course. Also, there isn't racing all 52 weeks, douchebag.

And the week leading up to the Kentucky Derby, it's the site of a huge social event: I think this sentence was to be included in his write-up if Churchill made the ten. We'll chalk this up to an editor's error, because it makes no sense in this context. I guess social events suck.

My sister-in-law goes to Churchill Downs with her husband so she can wear the latest hat design: All this proves is that your sister-in-law is a dumb skank. Don't blame Churchill Downs for her sucking.

Give me a freaking break: Uh-oh! Crazy New Yorker stickin' it to us dumb rednecks! Again, it's your fat sister-in-law (I'm just assuming she's fat because I'm running out of hateful adjectives).

She could care less about the race: OK, everyone gets it, you hate your sister-in-law. Is this really the way that you want to tell her? That makes you look like a pussy.

She doesn't know one horse from another: I guess she's stupid too, huh Chris? You're really pulling all the stops here...

She's just there to see and be seen: I'm with you, man. I hate that whore!

Most of the fans there are more interested in mint juleps than the history of the place: Sorry we are a bunch of drunk rednecks, Chris. We can't all be intellectuals like you, oh mighty one. Also, the very fact that you know that mint juleps exist show the reaching power of the Derby.

Me, if I've got to watch a horse race, I'd rather watch the Belmont Stakes when there's a Triple Crown on the line, and you've got people jazzed up, rooting for a horse like Smarty Jones: So many things wrong with this. First, it's a sentence that sounds like it was written by a third-grader. Next, of course you like the Belmont and Smarty Jones; the Belmont is in NY and Smarty was from Philly. We get it, you guys are great. Third, people are generally fairly "jazzed up" at the Derby. Fourth, what kind of dolt uses "jazzed up?"

You are such an amazingly huge douchebag that it blows my mind. Go to the Derby and listen to 180,000 people singing "My Old Kentucky Home." There's your romance you piss-ant. Not that crappy New York nonsense they play before the Belmont. That song sucks.

This is really just a taste of how bad this book is. It is actually so bad that it is really entertaining. I understand that these are his opinions, but he never has any real justification, though he tries. He really just uses a bunch of empty sayings and cliches that don't mean anything. He is really, really stupid. I could honestly write an entire book about everything that he is wrong about. I just may...

The Little League World Series Sucks

I realize that this may not be a stance that anyone would take, but I do—with some force.

Twelve year-olds suck balls at sports, especially baseball. Batted balls are a rare occurrence while put-outs are even more scarce. If one of these jabroni's is actually able to make contact with the ball it is either a homerun or a disaster.

All it takes to win the series is a good pitcher. No one knows the fundamentals; they barely understand the fundamentals. The bats they use are always too heavy; they cry entirely too much; and, worst of all, they are constantly looking to their coaches for direction. Never have I seen a team succeed in “grown-up” sports that is constantly looking to the bench for directions. These kids don't play enough pick-up because of all the AAU tournaments, which are creepy, so they are never able to develop instincts. There are waaaaaay too many old men waaaaaay too involved in youth sports. These kids are built into machines and they only know how to do what they are taught. If anything out of the realm of what they practiced during “situations” in practice happened, they freak out. I know this is extreme, but remember the Jeter play against the A's; that is all instinct. There has never been a coach to tell his player to cut off a throw halfway down the first-base line (luckily for the Yanks, big fat Jeremy Giambi was truckin' home). Instincts are what make players good. Think of players in the NBA, NFL, and MLB—not always the most athletic or best players make it. It's the guys who know how to play. Look at Chuck freakin' Hayes. He has no business being on a team in the NBA and he started for a playoff team.

If you ever want to see this theory in action, go to a high school freshman baseball game and watch them try to field/execute a bunt. It looks like the first time you play a baseball game on Nintendo and you aren't sure what all the buttons do yet. Except St. X. Their freshman team is infallible.

OK Card fans, it's too much now. I've heard about it too much. First off, there is no guarantee that UL will be great this year. Sure they have the players. But Kragthorpe is a crap-shoot. A “Krag”-shoot, per se. Petrino was an offensive genius. This guy may also be an offensive genius; or he may end up looking exactly how you would expect the ex-coach at Tulsa to look. I guess we will all just have to wait and see.

Secondly, Andre' Woodson is not overrated. This is the praise that comes with being the best returning QB in the SEC. He threw for 31 touchdowns and was very efficient last year in a tough conference. Which brings me to my next point—you would not have beaten Florida last year. You won the Orange bowl which is impressive, yet you beat a very unimpressive team with a QB named Riley Skinner. That is the name of a child on a soap opera. Has to be.

Quite Similar, You and I

Blake Mitchell got suspended for skipping class...that will happen.

I got something to say about USC and I, like Stephen A., ain't scared to say it! USC is not that great. Every year they are praised about how great they are, but they never, ever play anyone. They smoked Michigan last year, but don't get me started on how bad the Big Ten is. They beat up on Notre Dame, the most overrated team in sports history, and they usually squeak by ND and the lowly PAC-10. Name one player that plays in the PAC-10 not on USC. You all said Nate Longshore and he sucks. USC gets a free pass to at least the Rose Bowl every year because the PAC-10 blows. Winning the PAC-10 is like getting an 'A' in a middle school religion class--answer 'be nice' and 'love God' to every question and you're good. USC just shows up and wins on athleticism. Their defense is always weak and Texas showed that. Texas wasn't a great team that year; they just exposed a horrible defense. I hope they play LSU in the championship...

OK, UK preview is on...

Don't Watch ESPNU if You Like Sanity

The biggest morons ever are on "da U!" Although Todd McShay chose the Cats as the surprise team in the SEC, he and his douchey sidekicks had nothing meaningful to say about any SEC team in their preview. UK, however, will be lead by eight-year old Jake Tamme. The last "Jake" of college football is still sucking in the NFL. It's Jacob; he should be an All-American this year, learn his name.

Ok, I don't know what you people are doing reading this, it's Real World night. More tomorrow. Moving is hard.

A Hearty Thank You

Hey Bronson. Thanks. The Cubs are in first place! Not for long though as I suspect the upstart Reds should catch them by mid-September. Also, Derrek Lee should bat ninth. Take a page from Larussa's book. I still have no earthly idea how he hits over .300. Who cares, Jacque Jones is RAKING! I love that man.

Superbad is OK. Not great at all. George Michael Bluth, however, is tremendous. I hope he becomes the next big thng because he made this movie. Not literally, like how the kids use it. Unfortunately, America is too stupid to understand how funny he is and we won't see him again. Remember Arrested Development, Bronson? Look at all those italics.

Another Gem from the Ol' Ball Coach...

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Jason Kendall to be Featured on 'Mythbusters'

Myth: Jason Kendall chokes up too high on the bat and swings too much like a bitch to hit a homerun. BUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!! Kendall went yard last night for the first time as a Cub; unfortunately in a lost cause because the Cubs were playing the '27 Yankees.

I know how this sounds but I'm going to say it anyway. Derrek Lee swings through more pitches than any other player...in history. I know I've probably seen no more than half of his at-bats but he rarely seems to make contact, yet he bats over .300. If you look at his hits they are usually flares and crap like that. He needs to move down in the lineup when Soriano comes back and for God's sake keep The Riot up top! He is a very tough out and he doesn't swing at e'rything (I'm writing this in iambic pentameter).

Superbad out tomorrow. It's gonna be awesome. Go to the other site. I like it. www.sectalkonline.com.

Those are Z's....

Ah, the Scooter. Sadly, my generation would have never heard of Phil Rizzuto if not for Billy Madison.

Bill Plaschke is a complete dork, but his daughter is hot. If anyone watched Around the Horn yesterday, you could have seen her before she left for Notre Dame. So, last name Plaschke, at Notre Dame; I think we have all the tools to Facebook stalk her.

Of course the Cubs lost to the Reds yesterday and I have a theory. The Cubs are frustratingly bad against the Reds. They are 4-6 this season against Cincinnati. A couple of examples of how brain dead the Cubs were last night: the Reds had 16 hits; Zambrano hit Phillips with an 0-2 softball pitch; Theriot dropped an easy throw that would have been Kendall's first gunned down baserunner; the Cubs had five hits and could not get on base. After all of this, the Reds were still bad enough to almost lose. Fontenot's bomb to right looked like a walk-off. Not to be. Understand the power of the Chris Griffin/Turtle battery.

A few words about Grande and Welsh. Absolutely awful. I am now watching these games just to see how bad they are. Here are a few gems from last night: I can't remember who was batting, but Grande said he 'went around' when he barely moved his bat and once Welsh corrected him he just continued telling an inane story; Derosa moved to right on a double-switch which was not reported and it made me look like an asshole on a text message; Both Grande and Turtle thought that there was a three pitch walk; and he just had to spout out his signature 'He got it!'x2 when Norris Hopper routinely caught the game-winning fly ball. Only the immortal Don Russell was a worse announcer...or Rob Bromley.

One more thing, Bobby Cox became the whiniest bitch in baseball history last night.

Let's get off the schnied (sp?)...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r3EHgIIuPY

Suck It

Looks like the biggest sports media outlet has spoken--and Andre Woodson is their first-team All American at QB. I haven't been there yet, but I assume InsidetheVille is up in arms. I understand that ESPN is constantly trying to "buck trends" with their picks, but this is pretty signficant. So, suck it Brohm.

Speaking of UL sucking, the CJ had a great piece about the two degenerates who were "shooting paintballs at people." I'm glad they have reformed. We should all forgive them and realize that it was "just a prank that went too far." First of all, they are college students; these mistakes are made when you're twelve. Second of all, since when is pelting old people with paintballs a prank? I guess college athletes can't have water balloons or paintballs. Sorry guys, no fun I guess. Can't you just stick to shagging fine tail whenever you want to simply because you have a uniform? When did that get boring?

Anyway, keep checking out the new site. www.sectalkonline.com.

p.s. June Jones thinks that Colt Brennan will be the number one pick next year and that he should have one the Heisman last year. If anyone is a "system" quarterback, it's this chump. See Timmy Chang.

Short and to the Point

Tiger Woods won the PGA. Rah-rah. Look at this commercial.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qLf7q0ElIBc

If you read all the comments, you'll realize that several people are bitching that they used a Beatles song in this commercial. Luckily for us, notchrisiskoala was able to articulate best what we were all thinking: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Beatles?Least of this videos concerns.That is a baby fucking a bear while his family looks on."

Anyway, I promise to write some crap tomorrow. Read www.sectalkonline.com Arkansas coming soon...

Sabbatini is a Tool

Rory Sabbatini is the biggest chump in PGA Tour history. Never since Jarmo Sandelin(I googled that after I spelled it right bitches!) has there been a player on tour who I have hated more than Sabbatini. Here is a handy timeline of his douche-dom (Thanks to Shuey for his timely correspondence):

Sometime last year: Said that Tiger was "beatable." He was later slaughtered in the final round by Tiger.

Last weekend: Asked for and received a fan's removal from tournament after said fan said to him while he was being stroked by Tiger again, "Hey Rory, is Tiger still beatable?"

That's a pretty short timeline. Anyway, if you can't take it then don't dish it out you tool. Stephen Ames learned that when he said Tiger was beatable and then lost 9 and 8 in match play. Ouch.

That's pretty much all I've got. Tiger looks like he's got the PGA wrapped up, which is nice. Check out the new site at www.sectalkonline.com and post some comments a-holes. Team write-up on Alabama is up right now!!!!!!!! See ya tomorrow hopefully. It will be better. I'm sorry about this one...

Go Rockies!...Until Tomorrow

Jason Hirsch is my hero. The seemingly inconsequential Rockies starter was hit by a line drive yesterday against the Brewers. He was immedietly looked at, but it was decided that he could stay in the game. He ended up pitching five more innings and got the win. It has now been discovered that he had a broken leg. If the Cubs win the division by one game I'd like to shake that guy's hand.

If you haven't heard yet, Barry Bonds hit that homerun. The most telling thing that happened last night didn't come from the commissioner's office or Hank Aaron. Instead, it came from the Nationals infielders. If you think back to '98 when Mark McGwire hit number 62 against the Cubs he was congratulated by each infielder on the Cubs squad. The cold shoulder from each Nat infielder seemed to be a huge F-you from the league. It just looked even more that the only person that cares about Barry is Barry, and he cares about nothing else. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm reading too much into this. After all, are the Nats even a major league team?

Check out the new site! Team capsules starting tomorrow. Need comments to spark some chatter!

OK. I'm gonna put a pack of frozen peas on my balls now...

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's Darren McFadden. He looks like a pretty nice guy. Cute smile.

Jeff Brantley is a pole-smoker. I thought there was no way FSN Ohio could get any worse than George Grande and Chris Welsh but they proved me wrong. Jeff Brantley has used the term "Louisiana Breakdown" no less than five times in the game tonight when describing a Bronson Arroyo curve ball. Which brings me to my next point. I have never heard a more loyally full of shit fan base than that of the Cincinnati Reds. I concede that this may be due to the fact that I have unwittingly surrounded myself with these people for the last fifteen years, or maybe they're delusional. Any time Bronson (it looks better like that) has a good outing, praise is rained down upon him as if he were the next great pitcher. However, when his rinky-dink curve and unexplosive fastball isn't working, he gets rocked and it's chalked up to the Reds sucking, a theory to which I am a giant component. OK, he had a good outing. Coming into tonight though, Bronson was 4-12. I guess I shouldn't take this out on all of you, but I can't directly speak with Jeff Brantley with Bronson's wang in his mouth so I figured this would be the next best thing.

One more thing. The bullpen cam at GABP is absurd. It looks like a sniper cam in Iraq. Consequently, Eddie Guardado would not be a difficult target.

Who wants to hear more about me?!!! Well, I now have a blog site which I have to update five times a week that I will be getting paid for. I don't know how much yet and I really don't care much; it seems like a better opportunity than any at this point so just back off!!! Sorry. I know what you're all thinking, 'what about this blog!? What am I supposed to read at work?! This blog will still exist as the other one is solely about SEC sports. Thus its name, www.sectalkonline.com. So check that out as often as possible and I'll be sure to remind you daily.

Eric Crawford is a Pud

A few weeks ago I said (not in writing) that Eric Crawford was "coming along!" I was completely wrong. He's not coming anywhere. His latest column he referenced Darth Vader, solidifying his spot in the hall of fame of douchedom. That's really all there is to say about him. As much as Rick Bozich is a blow-hard, Eric Crawford is just as much a cheese-dick. Furthermore, he looks like he's getting a bit of a ream from the tickle-monster in his picture. He should refer to Bozich and use his approach of having the same look he probably flashed when someone told him that you should begin and end each column with the same sentence. Some sort of "ah-ha" look. I realize I've discussed this before, but they are intolerable.

Hey! Let's talk about me! Apparently some man has given me some independent writing duties for a couple of magazines that, in all actuality, do not exist. Allegedly these magazines will be launched mid-September so if you see ads for Amateur Golfer (or Amateur Porn) or Sports Digest then buy! I have a few assignments. My first article is, you guessed it, to interview Frank Gore. Unfortunately I just lost his cell number so that may be a challenge. Instead I had to be the "con" in an argument about whether or not Bonds should be in the HOF. Which was easy because he's an asshole.

Well that's it. Our season ended mercilessly on Thursday and I'm not over it enough to discuss the epic battle. It was the true David v. Goliath story...minus the beginning and the outcome...so really just the middle was very David v. Goliath-ish.

Heal Aldolfo. If not for me, do it for your biggest fan Dick Stockton...

Blake Powers vs. Coach K: Bigger Douche

If anyone reading this knows who Blake Powers is, I'd be stunned. Powers is the ex-QB of Meade County High School, the squad that ousted the mighty St. X Tigers in 2001. Powers then went north to IU, where he was converted from a huge QB to a tight end. Monday night he hit a police officer with a water balloon and went to jail. That's the typical progression of a over-hyped high school QB--big school, position switch, nails cop with a water balloon. Ho-hum.

What would you pay $10,000 dollars to do? For most of us, this would be a very small list. Apparently for others, the list is much longer. For instance, eight of the biggest tools alive paid 10K to go to Coach K's Duke basketball fantasy camp. From all indications these losers paid a ridiculous amount of money to slap the floor on defensive possessions and sprint to the bench during timeouts. I wonder if four thousand annoying dorks show up each night to do scripted cheers and hop and bounce around like children. That's pretty much the beginning and end of Duke basketball. I wonder if they had officials on hand to have authentic clock malfunctions and truly phantom foul calls. All the money went to charity; probably just ended up funding therapy for these d-bags so they really could've just skipped the middle man here.

Couple more quick notes....

The Celtics traded Sebastian Gun-fair, so Rondo is probably going to start with some awful center, Paul Pierce, KG, and Ray Allen. They may be OK.

Still no news from KSR. I'm on pins and needles over here... Thanks for the comments and such from the three people who responded. I don't know what happened to the rest of you a-holes...

Big game tomorrow night; perhaps the biggest. Everyone bring their glove.