We get it, Kobe sucks

Shaq kobe
by bsap11

Yes, yes, he should tell you how your ass tastes. We all bow to you, almighty fat ass Shaq. You are so awesome and Kobe sucks so bad. Would you please stop doing these "look at me" stunts?

Don't sit there and act like, "oh man, me and Kobe is boyz and shit." Look, you couldn't have done it without Kobe or D-Wade. You're not the shit. You were a dominant big man that excelled in the post by bullying people. Good for you. You're like 50 feet tall. Everyone started labelling you the most dominant big man ever, I guess, because they needed to label you something, and you sure as shit weren't the greatest big man ever--or of your own generation. Then you got fat as fuck and joined the police force.

Whatever. Shaq-a-Clause is awesome.

Can we agree on something?

If shitty ol' Ryan Dempster played for the Red Sox, Yankees, or Mets, ESPN and the rest of the sporting world would have their lips tightly fastened around his wang. Dude's 9-2 with an ERA under three (fifth in the majors). Sure he doesn't win on the road, but he is almost unhittable at home.

He has very similar numbers to Edinson Volquez, though Volquez has way more K's. So, I guess Volquez deserves similar kudos to Dumpster.

Yeah, this post is still me being pissed that I hear about Joba Chamberlain's motherfucking progression every day. He has been pitching well, though.

The Most Explosive Player in the NBA Draft is...

Indiana's Eric Gordon, according to ESPN.com's Jay Bilas

After ripping my Hoosiers and their AD last week, I have decided to post something positive about Indiana Basketball. The program has two legit players that are going to get drafted in next week's NBA Draft. This talent is one of the reasons I was so angry with Greenspan, Sampson, Dakich, etc.

Gordon should be a top 10 pick, currently projected to go seventh to the lowly Clippers in Chad Ford's Mock Draft. I have always had some doubts about Gordon, including his size for a 2-guard and his lack of handles, but the kid is strong enough to play in the league and can flat out score. The Hoosiers' D.J. White should go in the late first or early second round.

Notables in Ford's top 100 prospects include: WKU's and Indiana native Courtney Lee (28th), Vandy's Shan Foster (47th), Arkansas' Sonny Weems (55th), UL's David Padgett (58th), WKU's Tyrone Brazelton (68th), Kentucky native and UT's Chris Lofton (80th), my former camp teammate Drew Neitzel (84th) from Mich St., UL's Juan Palacios (99th), and UK's Joe Crawford (100th).

I'm actually a big NBA fan, so you may be treated to more draft coverage next week.

Jeez, hazing the new guy, huh?

You guys are dicks, man!

So, the Blue Jays manager said he didn't want Adam Dunn because he lacked passion. Look, I'm all for making fun of Dunn, but DUDE! Motherfucker gives you so much fodder, and you say you don't want him because he lacks passion--which you made up.

Things you could have said:

I don't want Adam Dunn because...

...I think he might actually be a donkey.

....He whiffs a lot (though he has a helluva OBP).

...He overran second, and was tagged out one time---like Reggie, the Icelandic baseketball player, in an IM softball game at Centre.

...He's an atrocious fielder.

...There's a hole in his swing the size of...well, a giant hole.

Anyway, you get my point. Why was this dude being such an asshole?

See you in 2009 PGA Tour

I apologize for feeling the way I do, but with the news that Tiger Woods will miss the rest of the season, I will watch 95% less golf for the rest of 2008. If not for the Ryder Cup being this year and at Valhalla, that number would be much closer to 100. I like to play golf, I like to watch golf, I have an interest in golfers other than Tiger, but we have all been spoiled by one of the greatest athletes (yes I think golfers are athletes) ever to live, and now matter how much I try I just don’t really care if he is not playing.

The numbers support that I am not alone in this feeling, TV ratings are substantially higher when he plays, and even higher when he is in contention (which is almost every time he tees it up)…There are a lot of pissed off people at the PGA Tour's headquarters, a lot of pissed off sponsors, and a lot of pissed off people who run golf tournaments around the country. Woods’ absence will directly and indirectly lead to millions and millions of dollars lost for the entire golf industry.

The only hope for me continuing to watch will be a guy like Kentuckian J.B. Holmes, or the young stud Anthony Kim, deciding to seize the opportunity to become golf’s next star. I just do not see it happening. I promise you this, the better Phil plays, the less I will watch. I can’t deal with his cheesy smile, man boobs, and inability to play well when Tiger is in the field, and then watch him win tournaments just because Woods is hurt.

Other golf notes:
1). For those of you who believe every pro athlete is just in it for money and for the pro athletes that are just in it for the money (a number I believe is much smaller than people think), Tiger Woods set a great example. One of the richest athletes in the world decided to play through the pain, while grimacing but not complaining, the whole time risking potentially career-threatening injuries and losing out on millions and millions of dollars the rest of this season, and possibly beyond. He treated us all, golf fans or not, to one of the best sporting events of all time, certainly the best golf tournament of my life (and yes I know all about the PGA at Valhalla). The man is just that competitive, the thought of missing a major was so unbearable, that he said no to the doctors and played through the pain. It meant we do not get to watch him for the rest of this season, maybe longer, but for five days and 91 holes, we were hooked to the TV watching history.

2). I do not like the lovable losers. If you know me you have heard me admit, my favorite teams are those that were good when I was 10 years old - MJ’s Bulls, the Cowboys’ Dynasty, Charlie Ward and FSU football (I hate to admit that one), the Yankees, and of course Tiger Woods. Not the Jazz, not the Cubs, and certainly not Phil Mickelson.

With that said, Rocco Mediate became a hero of mine on Sunday and Monday. Maybe it is because he is a 45-year old with nothing to lose, but he played with no fear, he took Woods to the brink of defeat, and he actually had fun doing it. If Mickelson had ended up in the playoff against Woods, he would have pissed himself on the opening tee and lost by six strokes.

3). In the last 37 events Tiger has played on the PGA Tour, he has 19 wins, the field has 18. (Tiger 4, Field 2 in 2008)

4). In his 236 career starts, Tiger has finished in the top three 106 times, including 65 wins.

I am a long-winded blogger, it is a problem I have, but I am working on it...Until then, deal with my ramblings.

Hooooooooooraayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

There's a chance that Lou gets it:

"Until we get Soriano back in the lineup, we'll keep him (Fukudome) right in the 1 hole," manager Lou Piniella said. "He has patience, good on-base percentage, a good arm. I don't really want to play around with the leadoff spot too much."

Wait, maybe not. Shit. OK, let's see. I don't really understand. Clearly, he understand what makes a good leadoff hitter: patience, good OBP, good...arm? What the fuck? I guess that's what makes Johnny Damon a great leadoff hitter, too. Anyway, Soriano has zero patience and a bad OBP. Fukudome is 9th in the league and second on the team behind Ramirez.

It's only taken a Soriano broken wrist, Eric Patterson, Reed Johnson, and Ryan Theriot failing before Fukudome was put there. However, maybe you can see why:

Fukudome said though his interpreter he didn't remember the last time he led off in Japan and that he did not plan on changing his approach. Asked if it was a challenge he relished, Fukudome replied in English, "No."

"Ask me about batting orders, and you're not going to get the answers you want," he said.

What the hell does that statement in bold mean? Yikes. I guess he's said some creepy shit like that to Lou, forcing him to stay away from the top.

Here's hoping this works and Soriano and his telephone pole moves to third or fourth or sixth or something. Is it still out of the question to trade him?

Damn it

Higgie (whoever that is!) makes a good point.

Perhaps I'll address it in the future. Or, T-Dubs could. Either way, read the comments. Good stuff.

And seri-fucking-ously: could Gary Miller and Paul Bako look anymore alike?! First Harang and Chris Griffin; then Valentin and Turtle; now this!

Unbelievable.

You may see a post from Hoosier Gamecock very soon.

Please, please, please

Oh God, please happen.

To be fair...

All you losers would shit your pants. It would be a good situation; it's about time for Jr. to rock bombs as a DH.

Seriously

I know you tools are watching the Reds game right now, so tell me something. If you saw Brandon Phillips reciting the Reds' lineup, you would have heard him say the first and last name of each player, their batting spot, and their position. Well, except one.

Phillips: ...batting seventh, playing first, Joey Votto...batting 8th, behind the plate...Bako...

There's no question that Brandon Phillips has no fucking clue what Paul Bako's first name is. I can guarantee, w/ 75% certainty, that when Bako entered the clubhouse for the first time, Brandon Phillips asked why Gary Miller was around.

Seriously:

The Jim Edmonds HR will never, ever fucking be on Sportscenter

I like sports. I think they are fun and cool. The sports team I like the most right now is the Cubs. Last night, Jim Edmonds' old ass hit a HR to tie the game, which we won in 11. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Yesterday, the U.S. Open started. I like golf. It's OK to watch if I'm hungover or at Chick Inn drinking bourbon. Tiger Woods is my favorite golfing man.

The NBA Finals were played last night. I don't really like the NBA, but boy, that game was exciting! The Celtics were getting killed and came back and won!

Anyway, I realize that other sports are happening and shit, but do we have to go to the live press conference the moment the game ends? I thought that was just on ESPNNews. What's wrong with editing down the press conference to something only kinda awfully boring? Look, I know it was huge and awesome, but watching Wilbon, Stu, and the others struggle to say something fucking different from one another is PAINFUL. Please, other sports are happening.

Oh, and Andy North, you smug fuck, no one gives a shit where the pins are placed, except the players, and they already know.

It was absolutely pointless to watch SC last night. A-nal-y-sis!

I'm adding a blogger

It's not Beisner. It's an IU fan. Hopefully he'll have his name and account soon. Here's his first post:

"(Crawford's) departure leaves IU with one returning scholarship player,senior forward Kyle Taber, walk-on Brett Finkelmeier and freshman recruits."- Terry Hutchens, IndyStar.com

As an Indiana fan, this is a sad sentence to have to read. Seriously, one returning scholarship player on a Big Ten basketball team. Things have to be pretty bad for a coach as good as Tom Crean to have one returning player.Such is the sad state of affairs at Indiana University. A program whichused to be one of the nation's traditional powerhouses would have a hardtime competing next year in the IHSAA State Tournament.

Who is to blame for this mess? Kelvin Sampson, right? No. Dan Dakich, right?No. The players bailing on IU, right? Wrong. Indiana AD Rick Greenspan is toblame. Why the hell does he still have a job?

Let us run down the list of Greenspan's blunders:

1. Hiring Kelvin Sampson after he was cited for numerous NCAA recruitingviolations. It is Indiana, you do not have to take risks like this. Maybeat a mid-major you take that risk. Not at Indiana.

2. Following Fuck-up #1, maybe you should sit down and have a talk with yournew coach. Tell him he is under no circumstance allowed to use his phonelike a 16-year old girl. Maybe have your compliance people look after himand tell him to put the fucking phone down. OMG, I am surprised Sampsonhasn't been hired by AllTel yet to appear in a Fav 5 ad with D-Wade and SirCharles.

3. After he was caught again at Indiana, let him coach for awhile longer.Tell him to get his team into the top-10, make a run at the Big 10 title,and then, with less than 10 games left in the season, force him to resignand create a media frenzy, giving the most talented IU roster in the past decade Zero chance to salvage anything out of a promising season.

4. Hire Dan Dakich as interim coach even though every player would ratherhave Ray MacCullum on the bench. While this has mostly gone unnoticed, this may be Greenspan's biggest Fuck-up. Neither of these men were going to geta chance to stay on as coach for 2008-09, so why does this matter? Itproved to the IU players that Greenspan and the administration did not careabout them. So they stopped caring about Indiana Basketball: they boycotted Dakich's first practice, played the rest of the season with no heart, got bounced in the first round of the NCAA Tournament, and left the school.They all left.

But, for some reason Greenspan stays, telling his first-year coach, "Here you go Tom, prove how good of a coach you are, build the Indiana Hoosiers around Kyle Taber." Yeah, thanks for the job, Rick.

Hey, have you heard about Joba Chamberlain?

Apparently, there's this really dynamic pitcher playing for the NY American League baseball squad. His name is Joba Chamberlain, and he's a real piece of work. You see, Joba started in the bullpen, but now he is transitioning to a starter. It's a BIG deal.

[end of sarcastic segment]

My contention is as follows: who gives a fuck? If this ass-eater played for the Blue Jays or something, no one would care. At all. Instead, we hear every damn day about his progression, his new pitch count, his shitty line, and the disgusting events in Cleveland with all the bugs. There are essentially ten tribillion reasons why this is a complete non-story, but I'm only going to speak about a couple.

First of all, assholes, Joba is not the first person to make this move. In fact, one plays for my favorite team and has made this transition quite successfully.

Ryan Dempster, normally a completely worthless piece of shit, is 7-2 with 2.90 ERA this season. Last year for the Cubs, Dempster was the closer and in the offseason, the Cubs decided to condition Dempster to move to the rotation. The Yankees, like dipshits, are forcing Joba to make this difficult move mid-season. Bat. Shit. Crazy. As a player from one of Joba's first opponent's as a starter said (I can't remember who), "when you're facing a guy that you, as a hitter, know is on a pitch count, you just make him throw" (not a direct quote from the unnamed player).

My other problem: Joba Chamberlain, at worst, is very mediocre. I realize he has only started two games, but he was crowned as this badass after 24 innings last season. He hasn't done well in his two starts, but he could certainly turn it around and blah blah be kinda good. Still, kinda good might be the top of the ladder for this guy. He should have never been moved out of the pen.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately...I'll pick it up...

Jay Bruce is sooooooooo good!!!!1!!11!!1!!

I told you about the dude who wrote the article saying that Rich Brooks was the worst coach in the SEC. I decided to post about that at KSR. Here. Guy's a cockring.

I am literally foaming at the mouth in anticipation of Jay Bruce's swift and eventual downfall. Oh man, I love nothing more than Reds fans being excited over a player, and than said player blowing. It's coming. It's almost here!!!

Holy boobs

So, I leave for the week and the Cubs have the best record in baseball? Sweeeeeet.

More importantly, did anyone see the juggy broad run off the field before the game? They must have been doing the thing where a person takes the field with the player, and this chick ran off the field from what looked to be right. Anyway, the camera stayed on her for the entire time she was exiting, and her titties were EVERYWHERE! It was awesome.

Oh, apparently I also missed some gigantic comeback. Oh well.

p.s. some ass-mouth named Rich Brooks the 12th best coach in the SEC. More on that later.

edit: Yeah so, Soriano can't catch. At all. Yeah, I know he gunned Helton at 2nd (who would've been safe had he just slid all the way to the base), but why can't he catch?

Ball licker

Soriano is a ball licker. I know the sun is bright, but catch the fucking ball. Jason Bay did it with ease. I guess it gets sunnier in Canada, though. Yeah, that makes sense.

I'll be gone for the next week, so I probably won't be able to update. Read other blogs; they're funnier anyway.