Ball licker

Soriano is a ball licker. I know the sun is bright, but catch the fucking ball. Jason Bay did it with ease. I guess it gets sunnier in Canada, though. Yeah, that makes sense.

I'll be gone for the next week, so I probably won't be able to update. Read other blogs; they're funnier anyway.

Cheap post with other people's humor...

Recently, I got engaged. As you may imagine, one of the first phone calls I made was to my parents. Here is the conversation with Eddie that I had:

"Eddie, I'm engaged." (or something like that)

"Oh, hey, that's great. Ya know, I'm so happy...I've just been walking around smiling...now, wow, that's great, ya know.

.....

"Did...did, you see Edwards' catch last night?"

me: "What? Oh, Edmonds. Yeah, it was awesome."

Eddie: "Yeah, that had to be the play of the day!"

Apparently, aside of living a life longing for the return of George Michael's Sports Machine, Eddie is also quite concerned with Cubs baseball.

Also, I sent a text to everyone announcing the engagement, while relaying the above story. Here are some of the best responses:

"OH MY GOD. CONGRATS. evan HOLY SHIT. Flippin out." --Billy D.
"Congrats, I'm just glad you're marrying a girl." --Bryce
"Where did she propose?" --Barr
"Joint wedding with Jed?" --Charles
"Way to copy Jed." --Coy
to Steph: "Congrats. Unless Evan is marrying another Stephanie, in which case, I'm sorry." --Coy
"First line of business to make it official, it has to go on fbook!" --Logan
"Did you catch the New Orleans game last night!...If I don't get an invite, I'll chop off you pee pee. I can't wait to crash it." --Havelda
"OMG! I'm so happy! The Cubs are on tonight." --Sean
"It WAS a good game." --Worm
"Great news, Kige. Can I come to the wedding?" --Conley
"I knew you could do it!" --Stu
"Did you know that the Cubs game was the longest played by a river that's a state river that starts in one state, goes in another, and has obtuse angles? That's probably what Eddie was talking about." --Strobel*
"I can't believe she said yes." --Walmsley
"Did the Cubs win?" --Casey
"You aren't getting married in Indiana, are you? That state sucks." --Veigl
"I can't believe she said yes." --John
"That's was a good game. Tell Eddie I saw it." --Benningfield

*Strobel's text back story: One time, Eddie and Strobel went on a beer run to Nicholasville. As they crossed the KY River, Eddie told Strobel that the KY River is the only river, named after a state, that enters another state and comes back to its original state. Eddie stands by this factoid.

Dusty Baker is the bizarro manager

Let me take you back a few years. Remember when Dusty Baker was the manager of the Cubs? Yeah, me too. It was awesome for a while, then it sucked. We began our trek down the "path of shitty" when Dusty, who had fallen madly in love with the long ball, straight avoided any use of the bunt or stolen base. We were a, uh, "big ball" club, and swinging for the fences was our game. In fairness, I will add that Dusty did have a healthy Prior and Wood, though he threw their arms out. That doesn't follow w/ the text that comes next, though.

OK. Fast forward. Remember this:


Of course you do; it happened yesterday, and many of you are still wiping the jizz out of your couch. What that video, presumably shot with a helmet cam by Michael J. Fox, didn't show, were the first two pitches of that at-bat. The Reds had runners on first and second, down a run. Dunn was batting eighth, ahead of Bako and a pinch hitter. Dusty had Dunn, who has 2 career sac bunts, trying to lay one down. Not only is that fucking stupid and insane, it was a sign from Dusty Baker! The man who never, ever wanted to bunt w/ the Cubs. Now, playing in a cracker jack stadium, Dusty is trying to move runners with Adam mother fucking Dunn. I can't believe that big idiot even got the sign.

Anyway, Dusty tried to have Dunn hit the ball 4 feet; instead, he hit it 449.

It was quite the coup pulled by the Reds to get him out of the BBTN studio.

Soriano just hit a homerun that wouldn't have left the infield on another day

The wind is blowing out at Wrigley, and Soriano just lifted a pop-up that landed in the basket. It was his second bomb, so I ain't bitchin'.

I don't have much else. Here, watch this video some twelve-year old recorded off his TV in 2001.

Pee-Vee

So, Jake Peavy got rocked, eh? Touched up by the mighty Cubs. Oh, and Barbara Walters is a slut.

I got a post ready to go public on KSR concerning the rankings done by Lindy's something or other (Bozich mentioned it on his blog). Anyway, they rank UL 57th, and UK 63rd. I am (barely) outraged! However, how much time did these jokers put into ranking teams past #50? Still, give me a damn break. The Cay-ards ahead of us? On what basis...besides us losing our offense. But you guys lost Brohm, remember? And don't start stumping for Cantwell; I will not be sold on him until he runs the dreaded Kragthorpe offense.

On my way to work last night, I was listening to the local ESPN Radio affiliate, which was a show out of Columbia (SC). They do a pretty good job, and it was interesting. One guy, however, continued to make over-qualified statements about pretty much every topic. They began talking about Southern Cal, and he said that the NCAA was a joke, and that they care more about changing teams mascots from Native American names than the Mayo situation, etc. The problem here, other than the obvious overstatement, is that this guy wants the death penalty for USC RIGHT NOW! If it was up to this guy, any news of cheating or illegal activity at a school would be punished. He mentioned IU as well, and that they haven't been punished for the Sampson shit. But, they will, asshole. Wait a little bit. The Mayo situation smells bad, I agree. But you don't fucking know. Let the NCAA investigate, and they will punish accordingly. Chill.

Next, he launched into a tirade about the NCAA being the minor leagues for the NBA and NFL. I was like, 'OK, he'll discuss the stupidity that is the one and done rule.' Nope. His argument was no one goes to class...or something. I don't really remember. I agree with him, that kids like Beasley and Mayo probably didn't set foot in a classroom starting in January, but what are they, .000005% of college athletes? Kind of a blanket statement, jerk-off. Haven't you seen that commercial? "...Most of us are going pro in something other than athletics..."

Whatever. Fine arguments. I disagreed. Then they brought up UK. They only talked about this subject for a couple of minutes, but Johnny hard-ass talked about how the move was stupid and lacked integrity. He also said that Gillispie wouldn't be arount in two years, so he'll never see these kids play. Further, he talked about how stupid it was to do something like this.

I'm actually OK with much of this. However, my only argument is, how does this joker know? Also, UK is not, as this guy said, the only to have done this or does this. Damon Bailey was like 3 when Knight started recruiting him. Anyway, I don't want to get into this again, and how we can basically back out of these offers if the player doesn't pan-out, but let's wait and see. If Zollo and Avery blow and we tell them to get bent, then maybe we can discuss how these moves lack integrity. Otherwise, I'm A-OK with it.

I wrote a lot and didn't think a lot, so what's written above isn't all that good, funny, or thorough. Sorry.

One a week, huh?

I'm certainly a lazy douche, aren't I? Sorry I haven't been posting lately, but I've been settling into my new surroundings/internship. Good stuff.

Anyway, news just came down that I just had to share with all 8 (generous guess-timation) of you. Male High School has supposedly broken the record for most Mentos mother fucking Diet Coke geysers at one time. Hooooooooooray!!!!!!!!!! It's about time! According to the article in the Courier-Journal, "Belgium" held the record until today. It's about time we stole the honor back from those filthy Belgians.

I know, I know. It was for a good cause, as they donated all the money they made to the Ronald McDonald house. Good for them. Now, figure out a defense that incorporates having a deep safety.

Jim...Edmonds...is....a...Cub........... I guess we could use an upper-cuttin' free-swinger in the lineup. Hell, bat him lead-off!

Other than that, I haven't too much to say. Until tomorrow......

The masquerade is over

Is that how you spell 'masquerade?' If it is, I'm awesome.

Jon Lieber sucks. Remember all those times you sat watching him pitch, and you wondered 'why can't guys hit him?' His pitches were slow, had little movement, and usually hung around the plate.

Now, a few years later, teams have figured it out. The Reds blasted four bombs off of him in the 2nd inning. Yikes.

Also, I reserve the right to recant these statements and blame those homeruns on GABP's bullshit dimensions if Lieber turns it around this season, but don't hold your breath. Because, I guess, you would die from lack of oxygen. Only you wouldn't, b/c you would pass out first and your body starts breathing again on its own. Thus, a stupid saying. So, fuck it, hold your breath all you want; see if I care.

Holy shit, PETA is going to have some kick-ass demonstrations for the next few weeks. When PETA's involved, the demonstrations get GOOD. They'll probably work a horse-dong into this next one, so that should be great. I heard 100,000 people are going to show up at their protest at the Preakness, only all those people will be getting drunk in the infield of the track...of which I can't remember the name. Uh, nope gone. Yeah, they aren't protesting at all. Pimlico. Sweet.

Steve Phillips reads the blog!!!

Phillips just said that Soriano doesn't belong in the lead-off spot, so he clearly has been a loyal reader of my musings. There's no way that dip-shit could have come up with this theory on his own. Furthermore, Reed Johnson has 90 at-bats and taken 88 first pitches. If Soriano bats lead-off tomorrow I will shit a telephone pole, which, ironically, is what Soriano uses for a bat.

One more thing, Soriano is still contending that the hop didn't cause the injury. Alfonso, shut the fuck up. Don't say stupid shit like that. It makes you sound like an idiot. It would be like Grammatica saying, "what? Oh no, I hurt me knee on the follow-through of that kick. Yeah, I celebrate with my right leg."

Isn't it awesome to play against a Jason Kendall team?

Fucking Blue Jays

I don't normally bitch about my fantasy team, but the Blue Jays fucked me tonight.

I have Roy Halladay. He pitched 8 2/3 innings of scoreless ball, and got the loss. I can understand, though. That shit-ass gave up five hits!

Also, the Cubs are about to lose...well, maybe not. Gagne's on the bump.

At least UK got some good news today.

See ya tomorrow.

School almost end yay happy cold in this room

I don't feel like completing thoughts, but I will relay this hilarious story that just occurred. I told this story to my gf, and she thought it was barely funny. So, look forward to it!!!

OK, so we had to make these websites for my computer class (mine sucks ass, so I'm not linking it), and they were a real pain in the ass. Anyway, we had to present them before the class, and we just finished.

Now, I ain't one of dem dern gays that brought on Hurricanes and are ruining our great nation, but I can see when a man is attractive (especially if that man is naked). Anyway, I was talking with a classmate of mine who seems to fit this bill--he wasn't naked, though. So, as we were talking, a young lady of Asian descent from our class approached us, and posed this question:

"Are you guys going to celebrate with sex?"

At first, I thought, 'OK, maybe Asians mean something else when they say "sex."' But when I saw the look on the other dude's face, I realized that couldn't be true. We were finally like, 'whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?'

Then she re-stated it, only this time a bit more clearly. She meant to say, "celebrate with us." Not as funny.

Moral of the story is that I still have work to do and this Asian chick is out getting all wild drunk and shit.

Uh-oh: they fired Krivsky

You mean, trading away all of our good, young bats for worthless middle-relievers was a bad move? Well, I'm all out of ideas.

The Reds may be contenders again someday. Probably not; they are dog shit.

Ronny Cedeno's grand slam, and why the Cubs are good

Amazing, for two reasons.

1. He didn't strike out with the bases loaded in TWO CONSECUTIVE GAMES!!! Moreover, he produced runs!!!

2. Ronny Cedeno can hit a home run?

When Soriano went down, someone provided me with a comment, saying that losing our "lead-off" hitter would be addition by subtraction. I filed it as mindless retard-babble at the time, but...

...including the game Hoppy McHorribleoutfielder went down, the Cubs are 7-1. In the previous 12 games, they were 7-5. I was hoping there would be more of a discrepancy there. Shit.

...they have out-scored opponents 67-28 over the last 8, while during the "Soriano Days" they have been out-scored 60-59. We have scored eight more runs in 4 fewer games.

...Soriano, either batting 1st or 2nd, was 10 for 57 in his first 12 games, for an average of .175, and an OBP of .230. By comparison, the cheese-dicks that we've thrown at the top in his place (R. Johnson and Mike Fontenot thrice, Corey Patterson's shit-ass brother once) put up almost identical #'s batting .171 w/ an OBP of .237. Thus, the guy we're paying 80 trillion dollars to play, produces at the rate of pseudo-minor league players.

...the man I've been campaigning for, Theriot, has batted .481, with an OBP of .533!!! He has 13 hits, and that's only in 6 games b/c he's been hurt the last two.

I'm not saying we should release Soriano or anything, it just makes no sense to me that he bats lead-off. He doesn't bunt, take pitches, or reach base. Theriot reaches like crazy, as does Fukudome. Hell, bat anyone up there who won't rip at every fucking pitch. Bat Soriano third, where he can drive in runs.

I don't understand. If anyone still reads this blog, tell me why I'm wrong.

Uh...

Chase Utley has 9 HR's in 79 games. Five in his last five. Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn-crush!
He only swings half-fucking way!!!

I don't want to post this on KSR b/c people will lose their damn minds, but check this out. Apparently, douche-baggery runs beyond the bball team at Duke.

I received an anonymous tip that UK had a baseball player with an interesting name. Yikes.

Alright, that's all. I might post something later during the Cubs' game. I, for one, am astounded that Ronny Cedeno didn't whiff w/ the bases loaded last night. That's kind of his thing.

LJ's farts smell like dead bodies

If a crime scene investigator happened to be passing-by my apartment after "the lil' Jizz-bucket" (not sure where that nickname came from) has released one of his patented stink-bombs, I'd be hauled away for suspicion of murder. Now, to be clear, I've yet to smell a dead body, but I suspect they smell something like gas from my dog.

I'm ready to prematurely drool over the prospect of the Cats landing Ater Majok next year. He looked pretty good, but he did have a few annoying "international" habits.

For instance, he dunk-tips shots that are about to go in. Apparently, in Australia, baskets don't count unless they are scored authoritatively. Shaq would be awesome there.

Also, no passing in Australia. Sorry. I realize this was an all-star game, but he was really chuckin' up some shit last night.

It's funny to read on the message boards of both UL and UK, as TCP says UK's recruits rock and UL's suck, while ITV says the opposite. Can somebody smart rephrase that sentence so it makes sense? Anyway, if you want the truth, I got it right here, mister (or missy). All 4 of them are OK, ranking in this order:
Jennings
Liggins/Miller
(gigantic page break)
Poopshire--this guy sucks

To appease the UL faithful, I will say that T-Jenns will be a solid addition to your stacked front-court. I'm not sure why a single UL fan would want DC back, even after losing DP, especially now after seeing both Sam-Sam and T-Jenns. You will need help on the perimeter, though, because T-Will kinda sucks, as does Edgar, and J-Swop won't add much. The good news is CRP was able to convince E5 to return.

See how retarded that sounds?

Side note (as if this post had any semblance of order to begin with), some bitch just got LIT UP in American Gladiators! Sent her back to '93! Oh, this is a replay from '93...

I've got good news and bad news, and they're both the same thing: I was wrong about D-Lee (damn it! I do it too! I can't stop!). The season is still young, but he's raking the ball. Oh, and see how easy it is to score when your lead-off hitter doesn't foulout on the first pitch of each at-bat? For some reason, Theriot won't bat at the top of the order. I'm not sure why. And is Fukudome out of the running?

The Ted Lilly implode-o-meter...

It's only at about a 6 right now. It is, however, slowly creeping towards infiniti. Ted Lilly blows, and apparently it took the National League a season to figure this out. It's not completely over, but it's pretty damn close.

By the way, that is pronounced im-plode-om-itter. "Oh meter" is such a lame suffix.

Earl Clark will rejoin the Cards, and I think I speak for all of wildcat nation by saying: "Fuck!" On the day that we may be saying goodbye to D-Jas, UL gets their best player back. I guess I'll just assume that God is punishing us for being so good in football.

30 Rock sucks. I just watched it, and it sucks.