Rant-astic!

Things I Read While Pooping That Smell Worse Than My Poop - Vol. I

2010-10-09T06:09:00.003-04:00

Media walk - no, run - a day in Indiana basketball player's shoes

IU only has one basketball player? If it's Eric Gordon, they'll be better than they were last year.

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. --

I'm cold.

The Indiana University men's basketball coaches failed to kill me Wednesday.

Oh my god! What?

Not that they didn't take their best shot.

I think the NCAA would be very interested to hear about this.

Most coaches deadbolt the doors or hire snipers to patrol covered practice-field fences to keep media members miles away. IU basketball coach Tom Crean and his new strength and conditioning coach Je'Ney Jackson welcomed 25 of us into Cook Hall on Wednesday.

Oh, haha. This is classic Bozich hyperbole!

To toss 20-pound medicine balls off the walls, the floor and, occasionally, our shins.

Holy shit, that's not a sentence. Not a fucking sentence. I am reading sentence fucking fragments in a fucking newspaper.

To lunge, twist, bounce, spring and gasp across the glistening new practice court.

Well, fuck it, I guess.

To jump rope, hop up and down on padded walls and risk complete cardiac arrest in a dozen other ways.

Rick Bozich don't give a fuck about an Oxford comma.

I used to laugh at people who considered jumping jacks serious exercise.

Wow. You're a dick. That would be like someone over-analyzing your articles and bitching about the shitty grammar and content therein.

Seventy-five seconds of jumping jacks felt like running the Boston Marathon, especially when Jackson ordered two bonus sets with multiple-style leg kicks.

This mental image, coupled with Bozich's lisp, is hilarious.

(I pause here to rearrange my ice pack, swallow a second dose of Advil and wonder what I was thinking when I agreed to this assignment.)

Yeah, this sounds like real torture. I mean, you did jumping jacks for somewhere between 75 and 90 seconds. And they say being a sportswriter is a cushy job!

Then I jogged — NO WALKING!!! — with the group several hundred yards over to Memorial Stadium for another reminder that a 21-year-old Doctor Bo isn't walking through that door.

Can you imagine this? 25 dipshit sportswriters forcing bad puns while huffing madly. I've had a few internships in newsrooms and I tell you, these guys are not exactly a paragon of good health.

At the football stadium we crouched in front of a truck tire that weighed more than Charles Barkley and kept flipping it over until we covered 10 yards.

I believe about 1/9 of that sentence.

There were crab crawls, sled pulls and people carrying other people up the stadium steps.

This entire article should have been about that last clause alone, because, really??!!

I'm pretty certain something else happened, but you'll have to ask somebody else. That's when I asked if I could call 911.

I'm sure that got quite a laugh. Also, sports columnists are rarely funny. Or clever. This should not come as a surprise to anyone that has watched ESPN over the last twelve years.

“That's not even the tire we use when we do that drill,” said Bobby Capobianco, a sophomore who plays forward for the Hoosiers.

Yeah, I would hope that you, Bobby, a shitty-basketball-playing 20-year-old in peak physical condition, can lift more than fat old men. Then again, I did see you try to rebound last year.

Really? Coach Jackson brought out the big-league stuff for us?

No. You just typed that.

“No,” Capobianco said. “This tire is a lot smaller. Ours is about twice as big.”

OK, that's what she said. And, yeah, I know. You said that. If this graf were on the ACT, 95% of it would be slashed due to blatant redundancy.

“And three times as heavy,” said IU freshman Will Sheehey.

NO SHIT? This line is tantamount to, when writing a research paper, you use a total throw-away-though-topical quote so that you can bulk up your works cited page.

Great. When are we going to practice free throws?

Shut up.

Actually, there won't be any serious work on free throws until the end of next week when practice officially begins. Until then, Jackson is as important as any coach on the Indiana staff.

That's what every strength coach strives for. "You may not know me now, but I'm extremely important in the couple of weeks leading up to the commencement of fall practice!"

He arrived from Southern Mississippi in early July. Verdell Jones, the junior who led IU in points last season, remembers the day. Jackson called a players' meeting.

Well, yeah, who forgets meetings?

Now, wait. I might be wrong here, and Bick or Grammar Guru can verify in the comments, but shouldn't this be "players," not possessive? Doesn't Jackson "own" the meeting?

The players thought that meant a meet and greet. What they met were the truck tires, sleds and crab crawls.

"Hey guys, we're meeting with the strength coach today. Wear athletic gear."

"I bet we just shake hands and eat sandwiches. But I'll wear my shoes just in case."

Not that they complained. They're sick of hearing that they finished 10-21 last season and lost 11 straight Big Ten Conference games by an average of nearly 17 points.

Jesus, really? That's really fucking awful. Need I remind you that the Big Ten has eleven teams, meaning IU lost to everyone and someone twice by 17?

Related: Iowa plays in the Big Ten.

“We're tired of getting bullied around by the Michigan States and Purdues of the conference,” Jones said.

Quote rewrite: "We're tired of getting bullied around by the Michigan States and Purdues and Michigans and Iowas and Northwesterns and Illinoises and Ohio States and Minnesotas and Wisconsins and Penn States of the conference."

“I think we've gotten bigger now, so now we can do a little pushing back.”

That sounds a lot like fouling. You should try, also, to learn how to, you know, score and everything.

The 11-game losing streak began with a 15-point home loss to a dismal Iowa team. That game still makes Crean as nauseous as I felt when a medicine ball nearly bounced off my forehead.

"Ooooohhhh, that medicine ball almost hit my forehead. I might barf."

Parallel: "I have to leave early, so those cars get better gas mileage."

Parallel: "I only smoke when I read the mail."

Parallel: "This kind of tastes like tornadoes."

Parallel: "Basketball is difficult, like a fireplace."

This is all to say: that doesn't make sense.

“That's the one loss that continues to make me sick to my stomach, because we literally got shoved around the court,” Crean said.

"The other ten," he went on to say, "were fine."

“And we didn't do anything about it. If we lose games,

Yes, IF.

it's not going to be because we absolutely got out-toughed and people were more physical than us or they came in that day and decided they were going to punk us. That can't happen.”

Quick question: Is Bobby Capobianco your center? The veracity of this entire column relies on that answer.

What will happen is another preseason media workout session before next season. I suggest adding video analysis and free-throw shooting. Please.

Annnnnnd, circle!

The Doldrums of Summer

2010-06-22T07:43:00.003-04:00

So, there were only three baseball games last night, the NBA is (thankfully) over, and even the NFL has no stories. So here's what I have endured already this morning on Sportscenter:

1. Part II of a three-part series on where Lebron will go (and I thought the Brett Favre shit was bad)
2. A Sport Science segment on aluminum bats (guess what? THE BALL GOES FARTHER)
3. A chick NCAA hockey player with leukemia (gimme My Wish any day over this shit)

I have been watching Sportscenter for less than a half an hour. Shorten the fuckin' show and just show 80's Sports Bloopers, Come Fly with Me, or the old Homerun Derby Show.

Next Up, Slots at Churchill!!

2010-05-23T19:41:00.003-04:00

Mavis got a response. And, surprisingly, it was well-written and bereft of any egregious grammatical mistakes. And, more surprisingly, it seems like the guy CARES!

Matt,

I am sorry that your game was cancelled on Thursday; let me assure you that every effort is made to play these softball games. Decisions have to be made much sooner than one hour prior to a game because of people driving from Lagrange, Fort Knox, Shepherdsville, etc.. I apologize for the way past administration has handled softball rainouts, in September our athletics division was restructured and new people are now running the office. The new administration does not like to see games called due to inclement weather, it is in everyone’s best interest to ensure these games are played whenever possible. The problem in the past has been that athletics hasn’t had the ability to provide maintenance for the fields because of a lack of access to resources. The ball field maintenance divisions day ends at 3 30 and athletics doesn’t have access to tools or storage at the fields to be able to work on the fields ourselves in order to get them ready. Nobody was more disappointed than I when we couldn’t play yesterday, but without access to rakes, dirt, rollers, chalk, etc… we were not able to do anything to the field. You are correct, with a little care we could have easily played last night at Camp Taylor. However, I do disagree with you that the field was playable without care. The field was not in playable condition with out getting raked and having some dirt work done. Stones were exposed because the field was dragged and prepped earlier in the day and then the rain packed the dirt down and stones stayed on top of the surface.

It is ironic that you emailed us today because yesterday I had a conversation with my boss about getting some resources in place in order to salvage play any chance we could moving forward. I recognized this was a problem after yesterday and have taken the necessary steps to get protocol in place so we are maximizing the three hours of field recovery time between when our grounds department quits and the games start.

I am sorry you were disappointed in the way things were done in the past, but I can assure you moving forward we will do everything we can to get these games played on schedule. Just remember that it is never up to the league members when ball games should be cancelled. We will always have the final say in this matter. However, we do agree with some of the things you have said and we appreciate you taking the time to voice your opinion/concerns. I can assure you every effort will be made to ensure you get the games you paid for.

Also, I heard your team sucks and you are the worst pitcher in the world.

Letter from a Birmingham Jail- I mean Letter to Metro Parks C League Supervisors

2010-05-15T23:50:00.003-04:00

Metro Parks Employee,

Over the past several years, my friends and I have really enjoyed playing softball at Camp Taylor. I do not live for softball or anything like that, but it is about 10 nights a year I really look forward to. That is why I was very disappointed yesterday when I found out that the Thursday night games had been rained out.

I called 456-8117 and talked to the young man who called the game. He said he called the game at 3:15 because there was standing water and no way the field could be ready. If you do not remember, it rained about 11:30, the sun immediately came out, and the high was in the mid-80's. The games do not start until 6:30.

Attached are pictures I took of the field at 5:15. As you can see, the field was mostly dry, but a little wet (not even muddy) between 2nd and 3rd. The field was extremely playable with 1 hour 15 minutes left to dry before the first game was scheduled.

I would not make an issue of this had it been the first time this exact scenario had occurred. Many times, games have just not been made up at all and the season fizzles, with no hint of a refund. Or, the emergency plan put is to schedule several doubleheaders on a Saturday in which most people have made plans well in advance for their weekends. Everyone's Thursday evenings are relatively open, that's why we chose that night. With 8 teams scheduled to play, around 100 families schedules are affected, and a vast majority want to play on Thursday and look forward to it all week.

If the young man could check the field around 3:15 and see some standing water, even with no concept that the water may evaporate, he could get a broom or rake and spend a few minutes getting the field prepared. Some effort in playing games when precipitation falls during the day would be nice. In seven years of playing Metro Parks softball, I have seen little. The policy should be to err on the side of playing and deal with a little moisture, not treat the moisture as an excuse for a night off.

Matt Davis
Men of St. Stephen's
Camp Taylor Thursday Nights

Habitual Liars

2010-05-01T20:36:00.008-04:00

To give a little background on this story, I teach at an alternative high school in an unnamed outlying county bordering Louisville, Kentucky. Here is some hints on which one it is: meth and child molesting. Without going into too much detail, my students are 15 or 16 year old 7^th and 8^th graders who for whatever reason have not been able to cut it in regular school. We can all remember the level of difficulty of seventh and eighth grade academics, with the adding and subtracting and differentiating nouns from not nouns. Pretty much all you have to do is show up, spit on your paper, put your name on it, and not be a total asshole. Essentially, it is a bunch of kids who are a cross between Jethro Bodine and a wannabe Mashall Mathers. It is kind of a tough job, I guess, being that it is not the kitchen at Taco Bell or answering complaint calls in a cubicle. The kids have a wide variety of reasons they are there, ranging from living with child molesters, having their houses burned down by their father’s while they are in them, and just plain poor DNA and being really fucking lazy.

I had this class going pretty well and I have an assistant, but to my surprise, one random day in October, I had some 23 year old kid from Americorps show up, saying that he was there to help. I really had zero idea of what to do with him. He was given an office, which I felt was slightly weird and unfair. I mean, who the fuck was he? I was in my seventh year teaching and an office was totally out of the question for me. I told him to just hang out in the room and help students when they needed some type of assistance, which allowed me more time to play on the internet. He was weird, but I figured another adult in the room could not hurt.

One of the first things I noticed that was peculiar was that he constantly dug into his ears. It was one of the most gross and disgusting things I have ever seen. He did it to the point that his skin was peeling out of his ears and they were turning all red. You might be thinking the skin peeling and the redness were part of the symptoms, and I would agree. However, he was totally causing the symptoms.

Then he started telling me all about himself, and everything he said was a total, knowable, provable, unnecessary lie. Andrew, which is his name, lied about everything from what he had for breakfast, what route he took to drive to school, what mundane thing he did the night before, and it turns out, what he had been doing the first 23 years of his life. We have all dealt with or run across an habitual lawyer at one time in our lives. They all tell crazy unnecessary shit that gets bolder and bolder with time. The first couple of lies, before you know that there is a real issue, just seem really impressive, mostly due to the fact that you have no real reason to not believe him. Andrew told me that he quit an $95,000 a year job to join Americorps (turns out he just graduated from Reed College in Oregon in May). It was a bit much, and I figured a little exaggerated, but whatever, everyone stretches the truth a little sometimes. A few weeks later, he had to leave school early to fly to England to read a paper that was “accepted to Oxford”. Impressive, maybe true, but my lying antenna was activated. Rather than carry on for pages about each lie he subsequently told, I will list them.

1) His 23-year-old girlfriend was chief of staff for Indiana Senator Evan Byah.

2) He had to drive said girlfriend to D.C. during the biggest snow storm on record so she could help pass health reform.

3) He had to drive a couple of congressmen to Frankfort to meet with the legislator, so he had to miss his rugby game, being played at Iroquois . The game was to decide the regional championship and was being played against the Cleveland Flees. A quick internet search revealed that his team was playing in Dayton, not Louisville, and their home games are played in Cherokee Park.

4) He drove the car from Gone in 60 Seconds.

5) He was in the movie “Into the Wild”.

6) He played college baseball (his school, Reed College, has no college baseball team).

7) He was approved for a mortgage based on “projected future education and income”.

8) He was moving to a sweet condo in DC that he was buying with his girlfriend.

9) They were going to get married strictly for financial reasons if the offer for the condo was accepted.

10) His girlfriend’s name is Caroline.

11) His girlfriend’s name is Sophie.

12) He has a girlfriend.

What is sad about this guy and others like him is that they would be okay if they would just stop. People don’t care what you do, what douchey great school accepted you, what senator your dad knows, etc. We all know a pretentions homo who went somewhere like Duke or Vandy and loves to tell everyone all about their crazy stories.
On a separate but kind of related note, people don’t want to hear about the different types of bourbon and fine beers you like. If you describe any drink as having a smoky or oaky aroma, you are total phony douche fag. Nothing beyond claiming that you are the new, improved Jesus and then proving it by flying is really going to be super interesting or impressive.

Andrew has since been fired for generally creeping everyone out.

Mavis Is Gonna Post Sumpin' Sweet!!!

2010-04-19T22:51:00.002-04:00

That, and a few other notes:

- Sean needs to get well soon! We need our catcher!

-The Cubs bullpen licks balls.

-American Lion will win the Derby. Don't crush my odds!

-Teague will sign with UK!!! Or so says JB4UK and Cardkilla on lame message boards.

-Trivia Night at SSM this Saturday!!!!

-And Dogwood alllllllllllll weekend!

All right, Mavis, we're waiting...

John Wall(ace) - I think we have a name for jr.

2010-03-14T23:41:00.002-04:00

I had baby showers all weekend while the Hilbert boys watched UK win the SEC tourney in person....pretty much a push.

No Way, This Chick Is Hot

2010-03-02T20:14:00.003-05:00

Nah, I'm just kidding, she is pretty ugly. I also watched many episodes (I know, gayyyyy), and there were, literally, 15 chicks WAY hotter than she was. Plus, her family lives in a trailer in Florida, and they act as such.

Also, Tommy, I do not appreciate the 'horse' reference. Poor Becky.

My balls got lopped clean off

2010-03-01T23:25:00.004-05:00

Hopefully none of you watch the bachelor. Unfortunately I did and I have a problem with the douche that got to be on the show this season. He picked a cross-eyed skank that looks like a horse. Awash in a sea of hot poon, he picked a chick that would be considered ugly at Centre and more horselike than Rebecca Lobo.

This Is Awesome

2010-02-10T20:48:00.001-05:00

Keith Brooking and Vanilla Sky

2010-01-18T07:53:00.002-05:00

Those two things are unrelated, save that I saw them both yesterday.

1. After rewatching the highlights on Sportscenter, I somewhat agree with Brooking taking exception to the 'old gunslinger' or Childress. Now, he could have just saved it for the press conference, but he decided to let the Vikings bench hear about it. The situation is pretty black and white to me. The Vikings were on the 18 yard line. There were less than two minutes left. It was 4th down. Why wouldn't you kick the field goal? You have a 24-point lead; it's bullshit that you're trying to put another touchdown up. And, I get the 'If you don't like it, stop them', but that comes from people that don't have their season ending right before their eyes. It's bush league that they didn't kick a field goal. And, I hate Brett Favre.

2. If you want to make your brain angry, watch Vanilla Sky. Jeez, what a mind fuck. And I know this is like the Gaffigan bit, 'But I want to talk about Heat NOW!', but I watched it last night, and that was one helluva movie. The key to a good movie is that you feel genuine hate and love for certain actors/actresses. Cameron Diaz is a psycho bitch in my eyes forever more. I could watch Something about Mary 20 times and that will never change. And Penelope Cruz is a fucking angel. Good God, what I would do to her. If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's old and long, like my wang 30 years from now, but it is worth the watch.

So, I have a confession to make...

2010-01-07T18:20:00.002-05:00

I think this song is the tits.

Bash away.

Insult, Meet Injury

2010-01-04T19:04:00.006-05:00

Found this on UK's Athletic Web Site:

Big Cuz, gettin' it done.

All I am going to say is this, don't act so surprised about his actions when the plan of attack for UL was to try and 'get in his head.'

Fuck with the bull, and you get the horns.

Happy New Year (This Video Kicks Ass)

2010-01-01T09:30:00.004-05:00

(The 2:54 mark is tough on the Big Blue faithful)

Fitting tribute because the song they chose is arguably "Song of the Decade." And whoever at ESPN synched the plays with the lyrics deserves a raise. Spot-fucking-on.

What is a Travis Pastrana and Why is it on my TV?

2009-12-30T08:38:00.002-05:00

When you view the scrolling bar on the left of the screen and see the words "Travis Pastrana" preceding Da'Sean Butler's game-winner, you have an expectation. That expectation is that Travis Pastrana is dead.

Not so!

No, not dead. He's just going to do some crazy jump after he gets all totally amped on Red Bull--which is wicked gnarly.

Also--and this is unrelated--when that announcer yells, "LeBron James, with no regard for human life!" after that dunk a few years ago, yeah, that doesn't make sense. It would have made sense had LeBron, you know, heedlessly killed someone. Someone like Travis Pastrana.

A Welcomed Return - No TMZ Tiger?

2009-12-29T22:07:00.008-05:00

Great job so far, but you've missed the boat on the whole Tiger development. I know it's been ground-down into pulp at this point, but does that mean you can idlily skip past the significance?
Tiger - from here on out I'll refer to him as ETW (Eldrick Tont Woods) as the common name in repetition just seems absurd (a la Chipper) - has been the most reserved sports hero in the last decade. The consummate professional, which media types fall all over themselves for wonderous quotes like, "I didn't bring my A game," or "I just didn't put it in when I had to."
Now the second quote is made up, and given the stories so far, he has "put it in" when it comes to VIP bottle-service girls and the assorted alike repeatedly and with a stern conviction. Today, these women are falling out of the woodwork like fucking roaches. But here's where the conversation falls off.
You are one of the highest paid professional athletes of all-time, you have constant exposure, but you hide yourself from the world. Behind the fascade of perfection, the measure of absolute appreciation, it lacks the real world connection, i.e. the fact that we all fuck-up - and we do it all, a lot! Yet, he has never transgressed to the world at large. His only exposure to true emotion is still tied to his profession - his father's passing. And while tragic, it still breeds lore to his professional dedication.
Here now is ETW, that never seemed to faulter, never seemed to fail, suddenly thrust into a limelight that reeks of frailty and common human error. Was his experience so different because he was married to a supermodel au pair? I guess when your worth $2.5 billion somethings will slide, but he is no different. And this is what the world jumps on, eats it like the fuckin' sweetest peep you've had. [Peeps are awful, but when you've never had a sweet treat before it is like you've died and gone to sugar heaven.] Only the dollar signs say otherwise. But this is in such dark contrast to the world he inhabited before. A world cloaked in separation from his and ours. A world, that with his missplaced sentax or varied verbiage becomes a piriah, or even more without communication, is caste even lower still.
In this short treatise I hope only to garner, not sympathy, but understanding that when all seems rotten in Denmark it usually is and always has been. I've lived in many places, but rotten is a place we can all call home at different times. ETW is as he always has been, but never seen. Let's absorb the comparison for as long as it lasts, for the peeps will never taste as sweet again...He is us and we are him.

In Memoriam

2009-12-28T23:32:00.002-05:00

Well, Adrian Peterson just ran into the end zone, and all over my heart, and Cousin Brad's squad took home the first St. Xavier Faculty Fantasy trophy. And, in a sad way (both morose and pitiful), I'm gonna miss watching my guys every Sunday. So, since this is now my blog, I wanted to say a couple of things about all my guys:

Tony Romo: You are the best player on the Cowboys. Even when your team was losing, you were kicking ass. Only Peyton Manning has been playing better than you in the past four games, yet everyone hates you because you play for the Cowboys. Well, I don't; you rock.

Andre Johnson: You are the only player in 08-09 to have back-to-back 1,500 yard receiving seasons. You are a freak of nature, and it was an honor having you as my #1 pick.

Steve Smith: I chose you with my last pick because I remembered that you were good with USC, and then you started doing all this shit for the Giants, and I looked like a freaking genius. Thanks.

Frank Gore: Your coach is an idiot, Frank, and he thought he could win a lot of games letting Alex Smith go all Utah-spread offense. You were sorely misused, and you still produced. You scored the most points on the squad Championship Week (granted, against the Lions). You should have carried the ball 40 times a game. (PS: His highlight vid is to the tune "I'm on a Boat"...classic.)

Ray Rice: I traded Wes Fucking Welker for you, and you made me look like a genius. I loved when you ruined UL's season, and you continue to amaze me. Keep choppin'.

Dallas Clark: You are fucking awesome. No tight end (yes, Gene, even Celek) is even fucking close. Plus, you're from Iowa, and anyone who can thrive from that type of habitat (save, my wife) deserves props.

Ravens Defense: For some reason, you guys were available in my league, and I have no idea why, but you guys are awesome, and if I had to pick a favorite NFL team, you guys would be it. Or the Cowboys.

Finally, thanks to Steve Slaton for being the biggest pussy in the world. I hate you.

'What in the wide world was that?'

2009-12-22T22:55:00.003-05:00

I don't know, Tirico. I don't know.

I'm no coach, but:

1. How do you expect your punter, your PUNTER, to stand in on a rush that has three men against one, ONE, blocker?

2. Who in the hell was that pass to?

3. Why even send the kicker, the KICKER, in motion on that play?

I mean, how fucking excited were the three guys rushing the punter knowing that no one was going to block them? I'm guessing very excited. You dream of shit like that.

And Hunter Smith had to be lobbying against this steaming pile of shit-for-a-play. They actually lined up for this TWICE. The Giants gave them a chance to rethink it. But, noooooooooooooo, the Redskins wouldn't hear of it.

Oregon St. sucks Beaver dick, BTW.

Deadspin Does All My Work

2009-12-21T23:59:00.002-05:00

Every time I want to describe a situation (like the pathetic tirade that was Brett Favre losing), Deaspin does it soooooo much better.

So, here it is:

http://deadspin.com/5431432/favre-is-like-a-kid-arguing-with-his-parents-at-toys+r+us-out-there

Brittnay Murphy Died

2009-12-20T21:58:00.001-05:00

With all due respect, what the fuck is going on around here? She was my age!

We're BACK, Bitches!

2009-12-20T10:24:00.002-05:00

So, I went to Radio Shack on Poplar Level on Friday to get a new cord for our laptop. Holy shit...expensive. So, this salesman gets me what I need, I leave, and the fucking bit on the end doesn't fit (TWSS). I go back, and as I pull up, the same salesman is outside, apparently about to smoke a Red.

So, I get out of my car, and he starts talking to me. So, I put the laptop on the hood of my car, and listen to him start talking about computers or some shit.

As he blathers on, some black dude pulls up in a Grand Cherokee looking for Bob's restaurant...he never found it. Well, that started this salesman on quite a torrent of Bischoffian tales.

REMEMBER: I just want to get a new tip for this wire.

He lights first cigarette and tells me:

1. He has set three world records for decibels broken in a car stereo system.
2. He has made three people vomit when listening to this system (that's good?)
3. He has broken three windshields with this super awesome system
4. Everyone in ST. FUCKING LOUIS knew who he was, his car being so sweet

He then finishes the ass end of his seemingly giant cigarette, I pick up my laptop, and he proceeds to get out a second fucking cigarette. And then it got weird.

1. He took four AK-47 bullets while in Iraq. Most humans do not survive one, mind you.
2. He is a second-degree black belt in karate
3. He has produced albums for Paul Wall
4. He beat up numerous black kids in his East St Louis high school because they messed with a white kid. But, he was never arrested because when the cops heard the story, they TOTALLY sided with him, right?
5. His cousin who has been in jail five times screwed him over last week (didn't get the deets on that one)
6. He is already the top-selling Radio Shack employee in the region (Southeast, Ohio Valley, Louisville, Eastern Parkway, no one knows)
7. He just cheated on his ex, because she sent him a bullshit text about hanging out with HER ex and wanting to take THEIR child to the movies. Drama.

When we got back inside, they didn't have the part I needed. Mother FUCK.

the true meaning of christmas

2009-12-18T10:04:00.002-05:00

oh, wow...are we doin' THIS again???
hmmm...what to say?
Oh, i got it...Greatest Christmas Ever...
Mine was 1989.
'89 and '90 are the Magic and Bird of my childhood years. Everything great happened then. Tim Burton's Batman, Bobby Brown, BBD, a momentus victory in the OMOS Christmas Tournament, first trip to Wrigley. If i actually turn out to be Daniel Stern and i find myself narrating the story of my life to no one in particular, '89 and '90 will represent the best seasons where a disproprortionate amount of the good episodes would come from. '89 and '90 are to me, like '87 was to members of the wu tang clan...it was my favorite shit, son.
I got gifts lavished on me that year, way more so than in other years. I have no idea why. I am not shrewd enough an economist to point to a certain trend as to why my usually somewhat cash strapped parents had more money than in years past. All i know was it was awesome. The highlight list looked like this...

Nintendo Game Boy...two colors, gray and green, no back light (if ya wanted to play that bitch, you better turn on a flood light!), battery life of ten minutes even when ya packed it full of recharged AAs, and TETRIS...calculators these days can do more to stimulate a child...i mean it, and honest to goodness calculator...but to my little troglodyte mind it was something akin to when the caveman invented the cigarette lighter...the greatest technical marvel of my epoch was now held in the palm of my grubby little hand!

Tecmo Bowl...at this young age, i thought myself to be quite the football mind. Little did i know that i was actually just a dork, and the lifelong trend that was being established here was not a commitment to the game of football, always giving my all, play like a champion today...poo, poo, poo, it was more establishing the tradition of my greatest moments in life being achieved in a venue where the only ones to bear witness are a throng of poorly drawn, barely animated drones who seem to not even be watching the game.

Nike Air Trainer SC...the ever famous "Bo Jackson"...we all saw the commercials, we all bear witness to what he did in the all star game, what he did to bozworth... he scaled walls, he hit one handed home runs, he ran over linebackers and away from corners, (unfortunately not away from the pesky bengals defense)bill brasky wishes he was Bo. And i rocked the same shoes as that guy. I fell in line with all the myriad kids who hoped that just by donning a pair of(metaphorical) Chuck Taylor's that my set shot and chest pass (again, metaphors) would be somehow crisper. Of course, that turned out to be wrong. I hesitate to even use the term "flame out" when associated with anything athletic i have ever done, simply because it implies that there was once a spark there. But the hundred plus beans that my folks laid out for those kicks...boy they sure helped prolong the lie. Rockin a pair of Bo's made you feel like you had to be athletic. Like his big giant self would be waiting to throttle you if he caught you eating a Big Mac or playing your new game boy in HIS shoes.

so there it is, gang...anybody wanna chime in? what we are lookin for here is best Christmas gifts ever...gotta be from the same year...if any of you queefs out there have any reasons for loving a particular Christmas that are NOT shallow and materlialistic ( "My first Christmas with my wife" or "our child was born"or "we saved a village of orphans"), then fuck you...just presents that rocked and why...save that shit story for your Charlie Brown friends, you blanket sucking, Linus-ass pantyliners.

A Slight Eddie Moment

2009-12-17T21:00:00.002-05:00

So, I was in the drive-thru at Sonoma this morning (their coffee sucks), and I was listening to 840 because I am an old person. Anywho, they discussed Devante Parker signing with UL (good get), and they mentioned he was the son of Anthony Shelman. I thought, "Holy shit, how old was Shelman when he had this kid? I remember when he transferred from Florida State!" Then I realized I was thinking of Eric Shelton.

Also, Dallas Clark just made an awesome TD catch. Machine.

Andre Ware kinda looks like Ken Rudolph

2009-12-16T17:32:00.002-05:00

And Todd Blackledge looks like a cancer patient on HD. Kinda gross.

(I'm just gonna post random stuff from now on since nobody reads this anymore.)

Outkast Is Still Awesome

2009-12-09T20:19:00.003-05:00

I was cleaning out my inbox of e-mails from school, and Yochum sent me this a while back. Since I felt terrible about deleting something so awesome, I put it here because this blog apparently will NEVER die.

Via Pitchfork's Top Songs of the Decade:

1. OutKast
"B.O.B."
[LaFace/Arista; 2000]

So you've spent the past five days clicking through pages of this countdown only to find out that the best single of the 2000s was released just 10 months into the decade. (To the ensuing nine or so years of music: thanks for showing up.) And that it's the very same song that topped Pitchfork's Best Songs of 2000-2004 list from five years ago. Now you know how your parents feel when they tune into a long-weekend classic-rock radio countdown for the inevitable valedictory spin of "Stairway to Heaven".

But really, do we have any other choice? "B.O.B." is not just the song of the decade-- it is the decade. Appropriately, the contemporary hip-hop act most in tune with the Afro-Futurist philosophies of Sun Ra, George Clinton, and Afrika Bambaataa, wound up effectively crafting a fast-forwarded highlight-reel prophecy of what the next 10 years held in store. The title-- aka "Bombs Over Baghdad", a phrase that sounded oddly anachronistic in 2000, sadly ubiquitous two and a half years later-- is only the start of it. In "B.O.B"'s booty-bass blitzkrieg, we hear an obliteration of the boundaries separating hip-hop, metal, and electro, setting the stage for a decade of dance/rock crossovers. We hear a bloodthirsty gospel choir inaugurating a presidential administration of warmongering evangelicals. We hear André 3000 and Big Boi fire off a synapse-bursting stream of ripped-from-the-headlines buzzwords ("Cure for cancer/ Cure for AIDS"), personal anecdotes ("Got a son on the way by the name of Bamboo") and product placements ("Yo quiero Taco Bell") that read like the world's first Twitter feed. We hear four minutes of utter fucking chaos yielding to a joyously optimistic denouement (a point reinforced by the Stankonia cover's re-imagination of the American flag, which anticipates a White House set to be painted black).

Of course, there is a downside of being ahead of your time-- upon its release, "B.O.B." didn't even dent the Billboard Hot 100, and merely peaked at No. 69 on the Hip-Hop/R&B Chart. But unlike OutKast's subsequent number one singles ("Ms. Jackson" and "Hey Ya") "B.O.B." is too disorienting and exhausting an experience to ever succumb to over-saturation, and its majesty has never been diminished by ironic cover versions from cred-hungry rock bands. Because even after a decade that's seen the act of copying music become as easy as a mouse-click, and the process of performing simplified for toy video-game guitars, the future-shocked ferocity "B.O.B." is something that just cannot be duplicated. --Stuart Berman

I can't believe you still read this

2009-05-31T17:52:00.002-04:00

I really just changed this because I am sick of reading the same stupid ass-kissing of Manny I wrote. And, guess what? Fuck him! I finally stand up for that douche, and he's a big fat cheater. And, yes, UL fans, I'll beat you to it...so is Jarmon.

I hate to say it, but he knew what he was doing. I think he is awesome and a great thespian and an even nicer guy, but I don't buy his story. I'm sorry. He knew what he was taking, and if he is so intelligent, then the 'I didn't understand what was in it' argument is bunk.

What pisses me off is that this NEVER happens. When was the last time you heard of a college football player being suspended for an illegal substance? I guess the bigger programs mask it better, and let's be honest, Micah Johnson is on some shit too, but he doesn't get checked. Bottom line: it was bad luck. The early line on the Cats-Cards game just moved to UK -27.

Also, Lebron is a bitch, and it has to pain the NBA faithful that their 'golden boy' is such a no-class dickface.

Also, also...and I know few of you care, but Calvin Borel is the new Pat Day at Churchill, and it pisses me off. The program could say that his horse is 15-1 and has little shot, but the tote board will tell you he's 2-1, and you don't want to bet him, but you almost feel obligated, and then his horse doesn't do shit. The next race you say, "No way I'm fallin' for that again", and he draws off and wins by ten. Great guy, great jockey, but he's fuckin' up the odds.

Also, also, also...John Calipari has done nothing wrong. I would appreciate D Rose coming out and making some sort of statement but that will never happen. Know why? Because the NBA is a sewer full of low-lifes.

Also, Also, also, also...guess who I haven't heard from in a while? Dave Stewart. Guess who else? It seems odd that Pitino hasn't weighed in on the Calipari situation seeing as how he loves to meddle in our business when we suck at basketball. But seeing how he is in the middle of a lawsuit, I guess laying low would be a better tack to take. He is losing recruits by the day, and he hasn't even named a new assistant yet. This humble blogger says all signs point to him getting the fuck out.

Finally, the kid gloves Pitino received from the local media make me sick. I get it. Everything that has to do with Rick is speculation. Fine. But to then fill the newspaper and airwaves with all this bullshit about Calipari is a double-standard. Calipari's name was nowhere in the NCAA report, so anything said about him is also 'speculation.' Also, if you want to go another route, does anyone remember the last seedy situation involving a local sports hero? How about Chuck Hayes and the crazy MILF bitch? That was speculation, but you better bet your ass we knew about the brownies he fed her and the crazy milkshake and all this shit that happened at Wildcat Lodge...oh, what's that? That was all speculation? She was just a nutso skank? Hmmm. The hypocrisy is sickening.

Great Start to a Sunday

2009-04-19T10:32:00.004-04:00

So, I'm sittin' on the couch, drinking my coffee, and watching Sportscenter because if you wake up after 9:00 on a Sunday, you're forced to watch Bob Ryan and Lupica wax idiotic about the struggling Yankees or some shit. But, there I was having an epiphany.

I like Manny Ramirez.

He's like that stupid person you hung out with all the time (or he hung out with you), and he bothered you so much because he was really irresponsible, and disrespectful, and he looked stupid, and he was rude, and he said stupid things, and he thought he was way more valuable than he really was, and he kept trying to drive up one-year, 45-million dollar deals with his agent...OK, nobody has a friend like that, but I digress.

Anyway, this morning, all the bitterness I had towards him for his terrible defense, idiotic behavior, and all-around jackassery went away when I watched the Dodgers highlights. I may have the details a bit off, but you'll get the gist:

First inning, Manny crushes one to left-center (on a high, inside pitch): 1-0

Second inning, Manny doinks a routine fly ball off his glove. They show Chad Billinglsey on the mound, and he's perturbed, but not showing him up or anything...it's Manny.

At this point, I think to myself, "What a retard. Watching him run after the dropped ball, stupid, floppy hair bouncing around, he sucks. Billingsley should kick him in the balls when they get back to the dugout."

No runs scored however, so no harm no foul.

Third inning, Manny crushes a rope down the left field line. 2-0

And with that, I laugh to no one but myself. The guy is hilariously talented at the plate. So much so, that no matter how fucking terrible he is at defense, personal hygiene, and decorum, the guy flat fucking rakes, and it is fun to watch him hit.

It was as if this conversation occurred after the second inning:

Manny: Hey #58, pitcher guy...my bad on that fly ball. They didn't score that inning, did they?

Chad: No, they didn't. Don't sweat it. It just added another 10 pitches to my pitch count in my second start of the season.

Manny: Pitch count?

Chad: Yeah, early in the season, we like to...never mind. Anyway, don't worry about it.

Manny: I hit you a homer this inning, make up for it.

Chad: Yeah, all right, that'd be great. (eye roll)

Manny: All right...who am I up after? (wanders off)

And with that, almost as if it blew away with the warm, Pacific breeze at Chavez Ravine and one swing of the bat, my hatred for Manny is gone. He's just funny to watch.

I still hate Papelbon, though. That guy is a douche.

P.S. Pitino is in quite a bundle at the moment. Hope that all works out OK.

Long Live The Goat

2009-04-16T22:44:00.003-04:00

I really don't like the Cubs at all. This is mostly reciprocated hatred that started with Bick and other Cubs fans' hatred of the Reds. In fact, when I was younger I really liked the plucky underdog thing they had going for them. Now though, they kind of feel like the National League's Red Sox? There's an allstar lineup in Chitown and most of the billion or so fans that comprise Cubs nation seem to be of the ilk that it is cool to be a Cubs fan and have no real appreciation for the team or the game but man they have a sweet cubbie bear shirt and they shit themselves onetime at Murphy's or whatever. This fan critque excludes the Cubs contingent that will be reading this but you know what I mean about most of your Wrigley lovin' brethren. Anyway, it'll be sweet if we go to Cincy this year again where they will be 3 Cubs fans for every Redleg in the stands.

There are Literally Thousands of These

2009-04-03T08:42:00.000-04:00

I kind of feel bad picking on this one dude, but I have to be meta-critical of at least one of these anti-Calipari articles. So far, this one's the shittiest, probably because it was written by some lame hack wannabe--just like me! Well, just like Bick.

John Calipari and Kentucky: A Marriage Made in Basketball Heaven

The never-before-used marriage metaphor. Promising start!

I, John Calipari...

John Calipari is a good basketball coach, not a great one. The Kentucky basketball program right now is a good one, not a great one. They're perfect for each other.

If there's anything I love, it's intentionally disjointed articles!

I'd like to disagree with both of your sentiments, as well. John Calipari is a great basketball coach. He's been to four straight Sweet 16's. He's one of the nation's top recruiters. He's certainly one of the ten best coaches, if not one of the five.

Also: Kentucky is a terrible, awful program right now. 40-27 in two years is very mediocre, like, say, off the top of my head, tapioca pudding.

On the surface, Calipari is an outstanding catch for the Wildcats. It's hard to beat a .762 winning percentage, NBA ties, and the ability to yank blue-chip recruits from all over the country.

You're right, that all is a major change from what has been occurring. End of article.

Dig deeper and gaps develop. Not a single thing this man has done in college basketball has been free of blemish. Not one.

What about the press conference Wednesday? That was perfect. Or the national championship run last year? Yeah, he had some potheads and shit, but hell, it's Memphis.

Marcus Camby accepting 40k and hookers over a 16-month period from a lawyer in Connecticut isn't the entire story, either.

OK, that's a little fucked up. But hey, Cal was young and cleared of all wrong doing. Let's pretend that never happened...

There's also Donta Bright and Lou Roe, whose academics were so questionable other major schools passed on them while Calipari flaunted UMass' options for students with learning disabilities.

Fuck kids with LD, that's what I've always said. Hasn't steered me wrong yet.

...from this day forward, for better or worse, or until stuff starts hitting fans...

Then he bolted to the NBA shortly after the Camby situation started unravelling [sic].

If by "bolted to the NBA" you mean "took a highly-profitable job with more power and prestige than one could ever attain at UMass" then yes, he bolted.

At Memphis, he's developed a nice stable of recruiting side stories, from World Wide Wes to DeJuan Wagner's dad to Reggie Rose to Lord knows what else will emerge.

World Wide Wes sounds like the Internet, and the Internet is where we all get our porn. Are you trying to fuck that up for everyone?

Yes, Cal did hire Milt Wagner, probably in an Wade Houstonian-like attempt to get his son. However, Milt still coaches (at a different school), so maybe it was more than that.

As for Rose's brother, I'm not really sure how that all went down. Sounds like some sketchy relationship building practices, but that shit goes on way more than just at Memphis.

More importantly (well, at least to Kentucky), on the court Calipari has actually underperformed against expectations in the NCAA tournament. Memphis was upset in '03, '06, and '09.

Emphasis his! 'Cause this shit major!

In '03, Memphis, a seven-seed, lost to Arizona State in the first round. In '06, as the one-seed, they lost by five to eventual runner up UCLA in the Elite Eight. In '09, they got fucking destroyed by a buzzsaw.

Still, his last four years are a hundred times better than ours. Also, you may not have heard, but upsets occur in the tournament. For instance, Duke's been upset in the past five tournaments.

They equalled their seed in '04 and '07, and only (arguably) did better than their seed in '08. His '93 and '94 UMass teams were also upset. In fact, not one Calipari-coached team has demonstrably done better than expected in the NCAA Tournament. Not one.

Emphasis, again, his.

I don't want to get into a big thing here, but again, it's very difficult to not be upset in the tournament. Very rarely are favorites playing one another. The fact that he has Memphis, remember, in positions to go to the Final Four--ever--is an accomplishment. The excitement comes from the melding of a big name program, Kentucky, with a big name coach. The expectation is that he will be able to do much bigger things at a much bigger program.

It really isn't very elusive. Also: Remember Roy Williams? He was a notorious choker at KU. I don't think there is any argument about who the best coach in CBB is now. And he only took a small step up.

Your upset talk is also annoying because, in the shitty C-USA, the guy hasn't been upset in almost 60 tries. So we probably won't have anymore VMIs, and that's really all I need.

And he's never won a game in a top six conference.

I don't know what this means. You know, Vince Lombardi won zero baseball games as a baseball manager. Zero.

...for richer or poorer, mostly richer since you're paying me an exorbitant amount of money...

Hi-yo. Because they're getting married, remember?

Play in a weak conference, rack up the wins with Yankees-level talent for your second-tier conference, and disappoint in March. Wake up one day and you'll making championship vows as the highest-paid coach in college basketball.

Again, "disappoint in March" is arguable.

"Wake up one day?" He's coached two teams in the FF and in the NBA. That's pretty good pedigree. Who the fuck else were we supposed to get? Other than Izzo, of course.

The only school right for him is Kentucky, a school whose fans live in 1968 and think it's the center of the college basketball universe, the only place to offer everything a college basketball coach could want. "The coach is bigger than the Governor," they say with all the hubris entitled to a team mentally living in a Ruppian utopia.

I think I speak for myself and everyone I know when I say that we don't live in 1968. And, judging by the coverage of this event, it is the center of the basketball universe.

I'm still trying to decipher what "hubris entitled to a team mentally living in a Ruppian utopia" means. And I think you mean fan base, not team. How does one "mentally live?" How do you "entitle hubris?" What does that mean?

And you blew a perfect opportunity to use Guv-nah.

They're prefect [sic] for Calipari because they're the basketball equivalent of Notre Dame and Alabama football.

Original.

Drunk on history and self-righteousness, they often ignore reality, decorum, and any pesky roadblocks in the return for glory, discarding the common rules other programs live by. "This isn't just another coaching job," indeed!

Whoa, now. Careful with all that drunk talk. If the common rule is to allow an alcoholic who is short with the media and treats his players like the fucking Junction Boys, then I'd be glad to be a fan of the program that ignores those rules.

And we have sucked ass lately. We needed this hire.

Who are you quoting?

...to love and to cherish, because that means drinking from the same giant cauldron of hallucinogenic blue liquid...

Absinthe?

If anyone ever said, "if you love me, you'd drink from this giant cauldron of hallucinogenic blue liquid," they'd be admitted. I'm not sure that's common practice.

Truth is, Kentucky is just another coaching job.

That is not the truth. If it were, we wouldn't be paying a man $4 million to do it and Gillispie would still be getting his bearings.

It's probably one of the top fifteen in the country, but there's nothing special about it aside from maybe kissing some more butt in the media and booster circles (which is a negative to prospective coaches).

I don't really follow this logic. First of all, top fifteen, ha! You're insane.

Second of all, there's nothing special about coaching the winningest program in the history of the sport? I find that hard to believe.

However, try explaining this to a Kentucky fan, and they'll think you're from Mars, which makes the Calipari hire a perfect fit. Like Kentucky, Calipari sees himself in an echelon above his peers.

Wait a fucking second, man. Are you telling me that creatures from Mars think they're better than us? That's fucked up.

Kid no one can touch? He'll get him.

Yeah, fuck that.

He's Italian and he looks good on TV.

Hookers for 20-year olds? He didn't know about it.

He may not have. If there is anyone slimier than Calipari, it's agents.

NBA players? He could handle them, right?

They went to the playoffs. That's more than Pitino can say.

...'til death, or premature contract termination at your massive expense because I've failed to live up to the ungodly expectations set before me, do us part...

This is where everyone is wrong. Gillispie was fired for lots of reasons, but most of all, at least to me, because he has no past success. We thought he was the hot up-and-comer, and he was just some asshole. Cal has 2 FF and a legitimate recruiting prowess. If he has down years, he'll get a pass.

Also, he's not a sociopath.

The list of coaches who have disliked Calipari is quite an impressive gallery: Calhoun, Chaney, Pitino, Pearl, Martelli, et cetera. Only through Calipari can they be linked.

Hey look, the five biggest assholes in college basketball! Oh, God have mercy on you if Phil Martelli dislikes you. And is that the same John Chaney who sent a goon in to injure the other team's best player and threatened to kill Calipari? He's an angel, from what I understand. His relationship with Pitino is well-documented, and it sounds like nothing more than two guys with huge egos being competitive. Calhoun is also a notorious prick. And Bruce Pearl can choke on a dick. Does anyone like him?

Likewise, Kentucky finds enemies from all over the basketball sphere merely because of the unwarranted swagger they bring to basketball season.

OK, you're 8 years old, right? This was all a big joke! And, to be clear, we have brought no swagger to the basketball season for several years.

Given their pasts, the marriage of Calipari and Kentucky is an NCAA scandal and a feast of postseason underachieving waiting to happen. It's like the marriage of Sampson and Indiana on Lexington-style crack cocaine.

That is a vivid description...that makes no sense! Sampson had already been caught, accused, and charged with infractions. Calipari hasn't.

But whatever hyperbolic statement fits, I guess.

Overrated coach, you may now take this overrated program...

This may be my "entitled hubris" speaking, but I think it's almost impossible to overrate the Kentucky program. We've had some good years, which you evidently missed, because you seem to think that the program was born in 2006.

Fun With The Reader's Corner II

2009-04-02T16:50:00.000-04:00

Making fun of citizens who took the time to write completely asinine letters to the editor will be a new feature on this site, and it will be called, "oh my God, people are so fucking stupid."

As you know, the bold is not mine.

How long will it take for President Obama to act on and/or react to the salaries of sport coaches and/or athletes?

Do you want my guess? OK. Never. Never ever. Neverty-everty. Do you want to know my reasoning? The Constitution.

Despite what the folks at AIG might tell you, Obama can't tell you what to do with your money. In fact, no one, in the history of America, can. Oh sure, we pay taxes. But after that you can do whatever you want!

This is like me saying, "how long before Obama outlaws people paying money to put stupid spoilers on their Grand Prix' and scripting 'GANGSTA' along the back windshield of their Blazers? THIS MUST END!"

Hey, lady, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it should be illegal. I don't like people saying stupid shit; God knows I haven't gotten that outlawed (not due to lack of trying).

Especially, note the eight-year, $31 million offer to Coach John Calipari. In this time, such a huge salary is outrageous.

Yes, I know. Lady, with no due respect, may I ask you if you pried dubya for legislation when A-Rod signed his contract? Or LeBron/Kobe/Miley fucking Cyrus? People get paid lots and lots of money for tons of stupid shit. Again, since only 400K is being paid to Cal in base salary, it's really none of your fucking business how much the UKAD decides to give him.

This is no different from a private enterprise paying their CEO millions. It's not taxpayer dollars, so shut your fucking face. They can do what they want. Yay Capitalism!

Also, I will be overjoyed when UK gets over the fact that Rick Pitino left them.

Really? Because you sound pretty bitter. I would offer that your angry plea to have Calipari arrested (or whatever) is a direct result of UK fans' glee (but mostly your stupidity).

Hey, fans, he is gone; he is in Louisville; we got him. Now get over it.

Yes, I know. At this time, I can finally say I'm over it. I hadn't been for a while, though. Also: stop acting like you took him from us. You didn't. He fell into your lap after fucking up an NBA franchise.

Learning Along the Way

2009-04-02T08:39:00.002-04:00

So, I can't say that I'm prophetic, but in the past 48 hours, I pretty much nailed it (with the help of Steve Jackson):

a. There will be night racing at Churchill. Holy shit.

b. I told you that UK needed to do what UL won't and fire their shitty coach.

In the article by Eric Crawford today, much credit is given to Mitch Barnhart, and it is well-deserved. As the firing occurred, about half of the Big Blue faithful warned us that we were making a HUGE mistake and no one would ever want to coach at the 'circus' that is the University of Kentucky.

Well, not only were they wrong, but they are much less vocal now. If it were feasible, all the morons who said we shouldn't fire Gillispie should not be allowed entrance into Rupp Arena for two years. They should not be allowed to join in the excitement of ushering in arguably the hottest coach in the nation right now. They should not be allowed access to any message boards, and they all owe Barnhart an apology.

The guy did what he had to do, so he deserves every ounce of credit that he receives. And if someone from the UK PR department didn't write Coach Cal's opening speech, then I am shocked. Here's an outline:

1. Open up with a Keightley reference, they love that crazy old man!
2. Get a dig in on Alan Cutler (sidenote: who is a bigger Cutler-douche right now, Alan or Jay...it's close)
3. Mention Richie Farmer
4. Tell a story where the protagonist (a troubled youth) ends up changing his life for the better, thereby robbing the media of some of the bullets that they will use against you
5. Mention Dunkin' Donuts...you're a regular guy!
6. Deftly make fun of Gillispie without making fun of Gillispie (playing zone, recruiting 12 year olds)
7. Talk about how this is still THE job in college basketball

The dude nailed it.

But, the real point of this, and, sadly, most of my life, is to once again point out that the AD at Kentucky has one HUGE advantage over some other AD's because of his ability to realize when he has erred.

Tell me, what AD that you know does this NOT sound like:

"I hired Billy, went down that path, thought I had a guy who was the hot coach or whatever. I watched him, watched his team, liked the way he played, talked to a lot of people," Barnhart said. "And I missed. It was my fault. I just missed. ... Everybody lives and learns, as do I. Last time didn't work out. Did I learn from that? Hopefully, I got better this time. ... I know I'm happy with where we are and the coach we got."

Really, the beautiful symbolism here is that Jurich's hubris bleeds into other programs. If you were forced to watch the UL-Arizona blood-letting, you would have realized that the preening, camera-fondling, eyebrow grooming, chest thumping, buzzer dunking Cardinals were rife for an upset at the hands of a much sounder, humbler, and (GASP) better coached team. Train/Higdon, I apologize, but you were in the stands, so you didn't get the full effect of the pomposity exuded on the court by the Filthy Cards, and alas, it was the sword that they fell on.

So, Tom, enjoy your trip to the Women's Final Four in St. Louis. We'll see you in Lexington on September 19. Make sure you bring "your guy" with you. We already got ours.

I'm on Spring Break, and I'll Save You Some Time

2009-04-01T08:40:00.003-04:00

On other sites, some douche likes to link things to stuff, and since all of you don't check that other site, here are some articles about John Calipari:

Gregg Doyel says we are going to beat the shit out of EVERYONE

Pat Forde thinks we have made a mistake!!!!!!!!!!

Andy Katz, conversely, practices journalism not clouded by his rage

Dan Wetzel thinks we're in good shape

Andy Staples thinks this will help the Vols, too, Mavis

Seth Davis has something nice to say

GREATEST ARTICLE EVER (spoiler alert: it's about Pitino trying to get us to hire some shitty coach and now being scared shitless...it's awesome!)

The Freshmen Baseball Tigers are off to a hot start!! (Coach D not so thrilled in the picture)

Presser in 37 minutes!

'The Cutman' Has Got to be the Biggest Loser In the Universe

2009-03-30T08:26:00.003-04:00

Remember when world-renowned investigative journalist Alan Cutler--of 1530 The Homer (it's the NYT of radio networks)--awkwardly chased the recently fired UK coach down a hallway? You do, it was everywhere. Now The Cutman, as he is affectionately called by his fat loser friends on his softball team, wants to set the record straight:

As far as the video, that has been linked all over, about me chasing Billy G., I was just doing my job as an aggressive reporter. I was trying to get a comment about getting fired. That's what reporters do.
I'm getting ripped all over for doing that.
What I find interesting is how most of us have watched TV newscasts. When a mic is stuck in a parents face after some terrible accident, there is no outcry of hate to that reporter for talking to that parent like what I'm now experiencing.

Stare at your computer monitor for the next 50 seconds, please. Soak up the tiny processed code, and allow the stupidest fucking thing you've ever read marinate within your brain. Have you punched a child yet?

Let's recap.

As far as the video, that has been linked all over, about me chasing Billy G., I was just doing my job as an aggressive reporter. I was trying to get a comment about getting fired. That's what reporters do.

I'm getting ripped all over for doing that.

Yes, reporters do try and get comments from subjects. He's absolutely right about that. Unfortunately, apparently, there is a thin line between what he refers to as an "aggressive reporter" and a "total jackass." He, like every local radio personality ever, fits the mold of the latter.

What I find interesting is how most of us have watched TV newscasts. When a mic is stuck in a parents face after some terrible accident, there is no outcry of hate to that reporter for talking to that parent like what I'm now experiencing.

I know I say this a lot, but this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It really is. First of all, a coaching change and a parent enduring a "terrible accident" are not at all parallel. I think we can all agree on that.

And while what you say in your misguided, made-up scenario is true, that meddling reporter doesn't usually chase the parent into their office. I guess only the great ones do that.

Stop pretending that you are this hard-hitting, quote-at-all-costs reporter and admit what you really are: a complete douche. Is there anything more annoying then someone, especially someone in the media, whining about negative attention? Think of all the shitty things you've no doubt said about people on your show (I've never heard it. Maybe he's referred to as the only benevolent sports radio host in the business.). And don't feed us this "I was just doing my job" horse shit. The only person who's job it is to be a complete ass-face all the time is Kenny Powers. And he need not an assistant (it's true, Stevie). You did this because you wanted all this attention; so stop whining like a bitch now that you've gotten it.

You're on Deadspin; God knows that's all I've ever wanted.

And if you needed more of a reason to dislike this Bernstein:

Gillispie's Real Problem

2009-03-28T15:17:00.003-04:00

Gillispie has lots of problems, and, to be fair, the "real problem" I'm prepared to lay before you problem isn't his real problem. I just couldn't think of a title.

Lots has been said about what has gone down in Lexington, and most of it is muddying the face of Gillispie. I don't know what happened with chicks in hot tubs or that night at Malone's or when he got pissy with Tom Leach or anything like that. It is becoming clearer, though, that his relationship with his players was suspect. And by "suspect" I mean: I'm pretty sure our best players and their families fucking hated him. I suspect those relationships played a major role in his termination. Plus, he's a stupid grit. That too.

At A&M, Gillispie had, by all accounts, a terrific rappport with his players. Acie Law would lay in traffic for the guy, and after his first season in Lexington, Gillispie appeared to have developed a similar relationship with Crawford and Bradley. Part of that, I believe, was because Gillispie's offense last year consisted of Bradley and Crawford hoisting as many threes as they could, but still, there were few issues in the locker room. The other part of that relationship building was that Gillispie was all Crawford and Bradley had. They couldn't leave, and they wanted to make it to the league.

There is something to be said, then, about Gillispie's ability to develop players. These guys listened to him and did things his way, and they succeeded.

The unraveling of Gillispie came, paradoxically, when he was able to bring in highly-rated recruits. His coaching tactics of toughness and hard-nosedness may have worked with marginal players at A&M and UTEP, but when you bring players in who have been told their entire life that they'll be in the league, they're not ready to deal with all of your bullshit. The successful coaches realize that, and they sort of baby these guys along, and give them, you know, minutes. With Gillispie, you don't earn your stripes on the court; instead, you earn playing time by trying really hard in practice and not fucking up plays.

Therefore, his real problem, I think, isn't really his problem at all. HIs coaching philosophy doesn't mesh well with blue chip recruits (Patterson notwithstanding). Discipline is one thing; but when a player of DeAndre Liggins' caliber is forced to watch Michael Porter play ahead of him, he's not going to perform well. For some guys, Acie Law, for example, that will drive them to push harder and force their way onto the floor. These big-time recruits, though, expect everything to be handed to them. And, sadly, that's what they'll get from other coaches. In the end, it will work in everyone's favor, but Gillispie's too dumb and stubborn to realize that.

So, yeah, he'll take the Texas Tech job or something and he'll take them to the Sweet 16 one year. Good for him. But there's a ceiling for how good a Gillispie coached team can be, and I'm really, really glad we figured that out sooner rather than later.

This team will be so much better next year with a new coach, unless that coach is Travis Ford. If that's the case, we're back to square one.

A New Bookmark!

2009-03-25T15:48:00.003-04:00

So Reed Johnson has a blog. It's the same thing DeRosa did last season.

"My blog is definitely going to be better than DeRosa's. I'm definitely going to be tougher on my teammates.
FONTENOT: DeRo's a good guy. Reed's an idiot.
JOHNSON: There you go. Maybe I'll insert Font twice a week after that comment."

Here's Johnson's first Fontenot quip: "A week has gone by since I last blogged, and Fontenot just walked by and he's still as small as he was when I first met him. He hasn't grown at all. We'll leave it at that."

Also, he has Louisville and Duke in the Nat'l Championship, because his wife thinks Cardinals and Blue Devils sounds good.

If that happens, God help us.

I'm a Neglectful Bloggist

2009-03-25T10:28:00.003-04:00

I've been a bad blogfather. I've ignored you. I apologize--I've been, well, doing nothing. Hey, some dingbat wrote a stupid article! Yay!

How to fix the NCAA tourney? Let me count the ways

Can't wait!

The NCAA didn't ask, but as we approach the second week of the college basketball tournament, I'm sure that august body is interested in some unsolicited suggestions to help make March even madder.

Zero, so far.

Maybe you didn't know there are ways to improve the tournament. There are. Lots of them. Some are silly, some serious, but all are doable. Such as:

I hate to bust in before you run off your stupid little list, but why do people think it necessary to fuck with the tournament? It can't be because they're too stupid to think of an original column, could it?

Give catchy names for the first two rounds. Do you really have to make the Sweet 16 or Elite Eight for teams to brag about in next year's media guide? What's so sweet about 16 anyway? Why not crow about making the Semi-Sweet 64? Or the Thrilling 32?

Is this one of the "joke-y" ones, or are you serious? Either way: terrible.

Expand the field by three, with three more play-in games to give one at every regional. The added appeal is that some of these would be more intriguing than this year's Morehead State-Alabama State game. I didn't watch a single minute of that one.

Then you missed the over-celebrations of a potentially-handicapped boygirl.

But I would if it were Saint Mary's-Davidson

Yes, reward teams that didn't make the tourney with one more shot! I think 65 is enough.

or Kentucky-Creighton.

Genius!

Seriously, though, if you can't break into the top 65, a line must be drawn. Where will this end?

Sign retired analyst Billy Packer up for 24/7 Twitter.

'That Twitter has been in the news. I hear my kids talking about it. They'll think I'm hip if I work it into my column.

First, tell Billy what Twitter is.

It's a gigantic black penis.

Make the tournament field 128 teams and scrap those god-awful conference tournaments that make a buck and only deprive a worthy team with a great regular season of its deserved spot in the field.

Oh, so no explanation as to why you'd sign Packer up to Twitter? And now you're reverting back to your previous argument, and amending it with quite possibly the stupidest piece of shit argument you could make.

First of all, filling out a bracket would take an entire day.

Second, why can't you, like every normal human being, see the conference tournament's as a play-in tournament? And how are worthy team's deprived? You do know there are like 34 at-large bids, yes? And who sits on their couch, Thursday afternoon, and says 'fuck! No Days of Our Lives because there's goddam daytime college basketball?'

Women, that's who. You're a woman.

Have former coaches — the ones who just loved officials — referee the play-in games. Now if Bobby Knight were officiating the Morehead State game, I would have watched. You think Gene Keady would have taken any lip if he had a whistle? They'd be ratings bonanzas.

You know, that's a good point. They would be "ratings bonanzas." Mainly because there are enough sick people in our country who would tune in to see the two biggest assholes have heart attacks on national television.

Have referees serve as color analysts of tournament games and tell stories about which coaches curse the most, which whine the most and those that they think do the best and worst jobs coaching their teams.

'Then, you could put tape recorders in everyone's living rooms, broadcast their voices live, and we could have everyone in unison say, 'who gives a shit?''

Always send North Carolina and Duke to the West. That'd qualify as a real economic stimulus with their passionate fans.

Hi-yo! Stimulus joke! Our nation's in ruins! Hahahahahah....

Set up dunking booths for AIG executives at every regional site. Dump an exec, you get his bonus.

Keep it rolling! Show the people you're tuned in.

Let Obama work as a basketball analyst. He's obviously done his homework. Well, kind of.

What?

Remove the Final Four locations from these football domes, please. Sorry, Jerry.

OK, that's rational.

Sure, the NCAA will squeeze more than 70,000 into Ford Field in Detroit next month, but a return to more intimate, true basketball arenas would restore some of the mystique to the tournament. Besides, didn't greed get our country into the mess it's in now in the first place?

Let's lay off the economy for a bit.

Heck, play the Final Four in the "Hoosiers" Hinkle Fieldhouse on Butler's campus in Indianapolis. And let Gene Hackman, my favorite actor, serve as guest coach.

Yes, I'm sure UNC would love that stunt.

Stick Obama on the NCAA selection committee. Or Knight. And televise the deliberations. Give it an R rating. Stick it on HBO if you have to.

Who organized this? You're all over the place.

Reveal the bracket entry of a different celebrity before every tournament game and then track it. Have dueling brackets like Angelina Jolie's vs. Jennifer Anniston's. Or Roger Clemens' versus Brian McNamee's. And Mack Brown's vs. Bob Stoops' with closest predicted score for the championship game as the, uh, tiebreaker.

This has nothing to do with the actual tournament. In fact, as a media member, you could run this little tournament.

Call traveling.

Jerry Smith.

Play the "One Shining Moment" theme song every night. Sorry, but I love it.

'I love it so much that I want it to annoy the shit out of me next week!'

Here's an outrageous one. In the spirit of the World Series, make the national championship game two out of three.

No.

Hey, we've already established that greed is a factor, right?

Um, you did.

What, is CBS going to turn down an extra game or two?

Probably not.

Put more representatives of mid-major conferences on the selection committee.

I'm bored.

Have interviews with former refs on blown calls, nightmares and ensuing death threats. Find the Don Denkinger of college hoops. Do feature stories on refs to show that they're, well, almost human.

Uh, yeah, that's a great idea for a column. I wish you knew a newspaper columnist...

Rename the winning cup the John Wooden Trophy. Why hasn't this already been done?

Because he's not dead yet. And he creeps everyone out. And he may have cheated.

Force every Division I school from one of the big six major conferences to play a mid-major team on the road after Christmas.

Nothing to do with improving the tournament.

If it's not a problem, move this year's national title game to a Tuesday. Monday is opening day for most major league baseball teams.

Luckily, there are no teams opening their season on Tuesday. Oh, except the Brewers, Giants, Braves, and Phillies.

Rename this year's tournament the Big East Invitational.

That sounds like a god-awful conference tournament.

Finally, end all the denial and go to three-day work weeks in March, Monday through Wednesday. We'd at least save on gas mileage to "work."

Yes, skip work. You're employer isn't looking for any reason to fire you.

World Baseball Classic: A Microcosm

2009-03-22T23:05:00.005-04:00

So, I'm watchin' this baseball final, and I learn stuff about cultures.

It's the bottom of the eighth, and Japan is up two runs. The lead-off hitter for Japan gets on base, and here's where the two countries diverge strategy-wise.

USA: Sweet, a two-run homer!

Japan: Let's get this guy into scoring position.

As expected, the next batter is asked to bunt. He lays down a perfect bunt down the thirdbase line, moving the runner to second base. (Note: Although the bunt was perfect, it was clear that the FIRST priority for the hitter was to move the runner to second. Which he did.)

The next hitter smacked a fairly weak grounder to second, which moved the runner to third. The swing looked intentional, so I thought, "That's kinda silly. Now only a wild pitch or infield single can score the runner from third. Anything better, and the guy would have scored easily from second...so no need to move the runner to third with one out, silly Japanese guy!"

The next batter hit an infield single.

And it wasn't one of those half-swing jobs, or one of those shots to the hole that a guy dives and catches. This was a pre-meditated, left-handed, beat-the-ball-into-the-ground-and-run-my-ass-off-singles. Jeter fielded it, threw it off his back foot, sailed Derosa, and the runner ducked under the tag, safe at first. IMMEDIATELY, the runner turned to see that his teammate scored, and went apeshit (meaning, slight fist pump and respectful handshake with first base coach).

To make matters worse, this guy then stole second, and Ichiro delivered an RBI single on the next pitch. Only to extend the metaphor, Adam Dunn was there to lazily corral the base hit.

I was listening to the radio the other day, and they were discussing how the US was in a 3 trillion dollar deficit, and Japan had, like, hundreds of billions in reserve. If this is true, the reason is that they are efficient, selfless, and they know what they're doing before they do it.

Baseball teaches another lesson.

P.S. Adam Dunn just struck out looking to end it. What a lazy fat ass.

Oh Fuck: I Never Thought It Would Happen

2009-03-16T18:43:00.002-04:00

Holy shit, it's going down.

Oh my god, I'm terrified. I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't eat...well, I can eat. Still, I'm petrified. Shitless.

Louisville's going to win the whole fucking thing. Oh god, I shudder at the thought. Train, I love ya, but I can't see you until at least 2012 if UL cuts down the nets.

How can I justify this?

"What a shitty year in college basketball, right? I mean, Pitt was #1 for chrissakes!"

Let it be known that I will be ruthlessly and unabashedly rooting for everyone else in the tournament, and a UL loss will far supersede any "noise" UK makes in the NI-fucking-T.

Still, holy fuck, it's going to happen. They play actual defense. Every other big team is struggling with injuries. And every UL player can shoot fairly well. Oh god, I'm going to vomit.

Dammit. To think, David Padgett was on the team last year. I hate these assholes. Jerry Smith can choke a wang.

Friesan Fuckin' Fire!

2009-03-14T18:19:00.002-04:00

It's alliterative.

I'm gonna start posting about Derby now that the college basketball season has officially ended for the year, and hopefully it has ended forever for one salty old Texas grit.

Anywho, I just watched the Louisiana Derby, and Friesan Fire looked beyond impressive.

A few things to watch in this clip:

a. The jockey, Gabriel Saez, doesn't even need to hit the horse. He is pulling away with authority all on his own.

b. He is running in about as straight a line as possible, which is rare for horses his age. Normally, you see the jockey steady him up towards the wire, and a lot of times they have trouble changing leads, but not this guy.

c. This was on a sloppy/fast track, so if Derby Day gets a little wet, look out. (that's what she said)

d. Saez is flat STOKED as he crosses the finish line!

Sadly, Gene, Bejerano had to settle for a photo for second.

Guest Hyper Critical Rant

2009-03-12T11:55:00.002-04:00

From a girl! Eww!!!

The future Mrs. Parmesan has taken some random professor to task. It's about soccer, a sport she plays.

How Soccer is Ruining America: A Jeremiad

By Stephen H. Webb

Thursday, March 5, 2009, 12:00 AM

Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it. Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return.

Maybe the dumbing down of America has something to do with idiots like you being allowed to teach American college students with no supervision.

What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.)

Good point, they should add “bowling pins crashing” to those sound machines people use to fall asleep. Also, I see your point with the golf greens. I mean, maybe if they played soccer on highly well-cared for and flawlessly-manicured grass people would…oh wait, they fucking do.

The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.

What? Are the opposing posses the other posses’ prey or are they each pursuing different prey? Why don’t they have bullets? Because the field is linear instead of circular? This can’t even be called an analogy because it doesn’t make any sense.

For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games—and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.

1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability.

I believe that disability you’re speaking of is called a rule. And all sports have rules-many of them, in fact. This is why basketball players can’t kick the ball and why baseball players can’t do 'roids and why football players can’t just throw the ball to someone else before they get tackled.

I won’t even address the liberal comment at this time. It’s just too inane to believe that it was even written.

Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.

Holy shit, is that really part of your reason for disliking soccer? Because God loves our hands? And because deaf people don’t sign with their feet? How could a person that exists in reality, such as myself, even come up with a response here? Answer: Can’t-it’s too fucking ridiculous.

2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up.

Yes, just the reason I started playing sports when I was 6; so that I could be broken down, military-style, until I was curled in the fetal position, crying, yet begging for more. Fun is for pussies.

Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes, and outs. Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, and tapping the bat to the plate gave us our first experience with inventing self-indulgent personal rituals. The boy chosen to be the pitcher was inevitably the first kid on the team to reach puberty, and he threw a hard ball right at you.

You’re joking, right? I know for a fact that, in T-ball, no one even keeps track of the score and everybody gets to run the bases. But I did forget about those intimidating words…BAT! Scared you, didn’t I?

Thus, you had to face the fear of disfigurement as well as the statistical probability of striking out. The spectacle of your failure was so public that it was like having all of your friends invited to your home to watch your dad forcing you to eat your vegetables. We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.

So, time went by slowly in these games? Even though you were shit-your-pants scared of every move you made and spent half the game fearful of getting your face ripped apart by a 6 year old's fastball? I guess these gay old times didn’t occur until after you had built back up following the severe mental and emotional beat down you experienced in 4 year old T-ball?

3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that.

And luckily, we have real Americans like you to tell us.

More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score.

I know it wasn’t “invented” in America, but don’t you score less as you get better at golf? But that’s beyond the point, because you don’t know what you’re talking about. I believe the correct correlation would be the better the defense gets, the less you, the offense, scores…in certain circumstances, depending on how good your offense actually is and how reliable the other team’s goalie is. In short, what a stupidly bold statement that is not only inaccurate, but also irrelevant.

Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel. How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage, and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery. Shootouts are such an anticlimax to the game and are so unpredictable that the teams might as well flip a coin to see who wins—indeed, they might as well flip the coin before the game, and not play at all.

I’ll give you that shootouts are anticlimactic and that most people would prefer to see the game end some other way. But shootouts are not designed to put the audience out of its misery because most soccer fans aren’t miserable assholes like you.

4) And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls.

Kick you? I hope she legally emancipates herself.

Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving (yep, no shoving in football, true enough!) and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating. As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.

YOU actually found a woman that would marry and bear children with you?? If I was your wife, and I just read the above statement, you’d see some of that bloodlust that we ladies are apparently indifferent to.

Let me conclude on a note of despair appropriate to my topic. There is no way to run away from soccer, if only because it is a sport all about running. It is as relentless as it is easy

A quote: “As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth.” Oh, you said that, like 3 seconds ago. So, tell me, is soccer as difficult as childbirth or is it easy? Pick one, dick.

and it is as tiring to play as it is tedious to watch (and Heaven forbid we get tired while playing a sport). The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America. For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer’s success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America. The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, post-structuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport.

Yeah, now that American kids are playing soccer, we’re just one little jump away from Marxism. All you just did there was use big words to make an idiotic argument that is wholly political and, in no part, sports-related. Nor, again, does it make sense. But you’re obviously a conservative douche, so you’re well-versed in the smoke and mirrors debate style.

Yet this suspicion would be mistaken. Soccer is of foreign origin, that is certainly true, but its promotion and implementation are thoroughly domestic. Soccer is a self-inflicted wound. Americans have nobody to blame but themselves. Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves.

Oh my God, in droves? Before we know it, the real America will be filled with minority-loving gays! GAYS, I TELL YOU!

Baseball is too intimidating, football too brutal, and basketball takes too much time to develop the required skills. American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.

Ahh, the old relevision. There’s no way I can pass up on making fun of a typo, but maybe that’s just old existentialist, Marxist, post-structuralist, deconstructionist, soccer-loving, liberal me.

I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me!

Just give them a few years. They’re learn what a jackass you are soon enough and then spend their time doing drugs and trying to get pregnant just to spite you instead.

Last year all three of my kids were on three different soccer teams at the same time. My daughter is on a traveling team, and she is quite good. I had to sign a form that said, among other things, I would not do anything embarrassing to her or the team during the game. I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried. “Why not,” she asked? “Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? “Not at all,” I replied, “I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end.”

It also probably eats away at her soul, since her father is incapable of taking an interest in the things that are important to her. I’m sure she’s well on her way to the path I described above. Hope you taught her about safe sex!

That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport. Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family.

Umm…worst last sentence to a persuasion piece EVER? So, you hate soccer so much that you object to it even on a political level. You find it un-American. You think it’s too easy (yet, of course, simultaneously too hard). You can’t even make yourself watch your daughter, who is good at it, play it. Yet you come home from a soccer game a very happy family? Bat. Shit. Crazy.

inside the cubs

2009-03-11T17:41:00.002-04:00

this from www.chicagocubs.com

"As for the two-hole, Piniella said they'll play around with it but that he's leaning toward inserting Fukudome there behind Alfonso Soriano."

/ha ha ha fuk u do me next to head to cleveland? http://deadspin.com/111303/indians-gay-porn-reliever-sent-down-again

The Big East Tournament.

2009-03-09T22:20:00.001-04:00

Is ridiculous, and not in that way where you call someone ridiculous becuase they are really good like "Lebron is ridiculous, yo," it's more like "Billy Gillispie is a ridiculous coach," or "Jed is a ridiculous person." It's kind of like the Regan bit about the ice cream servings; somebody in the Big East office drew up a screwy bracket where some teams get two rounds off and then said "I was just joking but now its going out that way." Unless I've miscalculated, and its possible b/c there are a lot of teams to count, they have 16 teams. That could easily be worked into a 4 round bracket with no byes. Before we have any complaints about how that wouldn't be fair to the conference winner, whoever they were, that team would get DePaul in the first round, which is probably even better than a bye, and then the winner of Prov./Cincy, who they will play in their first game anyway. What this crappy setup allows us is an extra day of ESPN felating of the BE and inevitably letting Mike Ditka and Barry Melrose weigh in on how many bids they'll get.

Thank God, because as a frustrated Kentucky fan, I need something else to occupy some of my hatred right now.

Coaching, With Clyde

2009-03-09T14:45:00.004-04:00

As a fictional private investigator (am I fictional? Or an investigator? Neither? Both? You don't know, do you?), I'm adept at unearthing some of the world's most guarded documents. Today, I discovered a packet with information so sensitive it may make your teeth hurt really badly if you were to bite into it. That's right, I found Billy Clyde's coaching philosophy, neatly stapled and collated, and clearly written by a second party, as there is no evidence of rampant double-negative use..

Luckily, no one reads this blog, so the information is safe. Read with caution, though.

Defense:

Man-to-man at all times. No questions asked. If a player is clearly too short/slow/white to effectively carry out his assignment, tell that pussy to toughen up. If players aren't completely dejected after an opponent's made basket, YELL LOUDER. And demean them in post game press conferences, if necessary. Otherwise, demean the interviewer. More on that later.

Rebounding:

Catch the ball, preferably while in the air, after a missed shot. When dealing with a player like Perry Stevenson, who vigorously snatches the ball after made baskets, be sure to hammer home the previous point.

Offense:

When facing a man-to-man (and the opposing coach would have to be an absolute retard to run a zone), have your best player run off screens to fire threes. If he's off, pray your talented center can get put-backs. This should work 95% of the time.

If el Retardo decides that he wants to be a little bitch and run a zone, set the same screens on the unmoving defenders. Also, flashing the middle is for pansies. The best way to beat a zone is to wear your players out by running them all over the floor, while the defense remains stationary. Eventually, a 30-footer should be open.

Ideally, against a zone, baskets should be as sparse as soccer goals. You want viewers to be astounded when the ball goes in the hoop. Baskets will come as the result of a perfectly executed play that has several stages. Sure it may only happen once every seven or eight possessions, but again, only losers zone.

Substitutions:

You want to keep your guys guessing, as well as the opponent. That way, no one really knows what to prepare for. Plus, if your players can't figure out what pleases you, they may do it by accident. Also: bitch about lack of chemistry/execution, though don't change anything. For instance, if your team, say, turns the ball over a lot, don't make any changes, even if it's abundantly clear what the problem is. Toughness should persevere.

Fans:

Cry at social events, kiss babies, smile for pictures, and get fucking shit-canned at every opportunity. People will constantly give you alcohol; it's awesome. You can't fuck this up.

Media:

When asked questions that you don't have a reasonable answer for, attack the questioner. If your team is full of pussies and you're forced to attack them during an interview, be sure to be extra offended if someone mentions a specific player's performance at a later date. Think T.O.'s "that's my quarterback" speech. Perfect execution.

There's probably more, but this should be fine for now.

Holy Shit, This Kid's Hilarious

2009-03-07T00:00:00.005-05:00

I'm pretty late to the party with this youngster, but man, he's hilarious.

These are only three of many. They are the only ones I've seen.

Apparently, he's had Comedy Central specials and such, but I've never seen or heard of him until yesterday. Bo Burnham's the name.

More:

I can't stop watching them...

Gillispie On Porter

2009-03-06T20:15:00.004-05:00

Bozich's blog:

"Some days it has been difficult, and some days it hasn't. Michael (Porter) has played very well, and not too many guys are going to make five three-pointers in a game. He ran the game very well and he defended very well.

"He has done as much on his best nights as anyone could ever ask for. On the tough nights, it has been more challenging, but Michael Porter has been great for us. I would hate to imagine what our success level would have been without him."

I like Gillispie's attitude toward his incompetent PG (I mean that in the nicest way possible), but why is Porter impervious to criticism? Perry gets it, Harris gets it, Meeks gets it---why not Porter? Kind of weird, but whatever. At least he's not being a total dick.

I also think that had Galloway and/or Liggins been given a fair shake at the point, they'd be much, much further along at this juncture.

IU is Sucking Their Way Into My Heart

2009-03-05T14:14:00.002-05:00

I get the Big 10 network, and save the random classic Purdue/Michigan games from the early 90's, it's pretty useless. Still, it does a good job of broadcasting every Big 10 game, no matter how shitty it may be.

As you know, IU is the shittiest team ever. They have six wins. They have lost 18 of their last 19 games. They have won once in conference, and 0 times away from home all year. They're abysmal.

And they're about fifty times easier to watch than UK. And, thanks to BTN, I get to see all the IU goodness I can handle! Therefore, I've gotten a chance to see them play quite often. Recently, they played MSU on ESPN for their Senior Night (farewell, Kyle Taber). They lost to the Spartans by five points, but the game was tied (or super close) down the stretch. Matt Roth, a short, white freshman guard was forced to check probable Big 10 POY Kalin Lucas. At times, that was humorous.

Clearly, MSU was vastly superior talent-wise. Lucas, Suton, Morgan--they are a Final 4 threat again. Still, watching IU--the same time that struggled to score 10 first half points against UK in December--was quite frustrating. Not because short white guys have trouble guarding tall black guys, no. But because they would probably beat us today. They play harder, they play smarter, and they have improved mightily over the last couple of months.

This is what a first-year coach's struggles should be. Crean, though, has it worse than most due to Sampson's atrocities. Still, he's coaching guys he knew nothing about in December, and most of them are either a) awful, or b) freshmen. He has still successfully taught them how to play, and they've bought into his system.

Watching IU is hard, because they truly aren't very good. But it's not really mistakes that hurt them. They have guys in the right spots; it just so happens that those guys have no business being on the floor. They run a functioning offense, they play solid defense, and their turnovers have reduced dramatically.

There's really no argument: if both coaches stay at their respective schools, IU will be much better than UK in two years, maybe next year. Crean's got a good crop of freshmen coming in, and the group he has now is getting valuable experience. And, most importantly, his team has improved more in 4 months than Gillispie's has in two years. Tom Crean is a teacher. A greasy-haired, used-car-salesmen-lookin' teacher.

Because of that, IU will continue to improve, and they'll be an NCAA team next year. UK...maybe not.

Pitino & Gillispie. Separated at birth?

2009-03-04T19:02:00.002-05:00

Mired in the angst that has been a very disappointing stretch for our Cats, an eerie truth has presented itself that must be examined further: The Cardfather (gayest nickname ever, slightly beating out Mavis) and Clyde are bizzaro versions of each other.

In the beginning...

Pitino:
Arrived from New York a slick talking carpetbagger who made us all swoon when he proclaimed that "Kentucky basketball tickets will be the most valuable things on Earth." A mere taste of the incessant barrage of hyperbole that spews from Rick to this day.
Gillispie:
Arrived from Texas a slack jawed yokel of a man who made us all swoon when he tricked…er… convinced Pat Patterson to come to UK by promising him 145 shots a game.

Their predacessors:

Pitino's:
A classy man who took the program to greatness, was underappreciated late in his term and was effectively forced out the door.
Gillispie's:
Same.

Lovelife:

Pitino:
Coeds at UK, Patti Swope, a blow up doll of himself.
Gillispie:
Coeds at UK, Janine Edwards, some pregnant chick with a lazy eye working the Hardees drive-thru in Nicholasville.

Post game interviews:

Pitino:
if HE won: "Well I told Edgar that he needed to transfer if he didn't start playing defense so I am a motivational genius."
THEY lost: "I told them that Notre Dame would be ready to play but they just didn't listen to me. George Goode and Terrance Jennings are too dumb to learn the offense."
Gillispie:
Cats win: "I've never had a guy like Galloway play so well in a game and so bad in practice, we gotta get tougher and show more leadership"
the current trend: "If I hadn't played that one guy (the thinest of thinly veiled jabs at PSteve) in the 2nd half against LSU we would've won. A.J., Stevenson and Harrelson have to help Patterson, and we gotta get tougher and show more leadership."

The admen:

Pitino:
Berates Rally's employees, chills with Laetner and parties in his undies with Bob Knight and Coach K.
Gillispie:
Somehow makes Krogers creepy and thinks its ok to tell ME not to drink and drive.

The attire:

Pitino:
Regarded as one of the best dressed coaches in the country, sleeps in Armani and recently wore a all white suit to celebrate white-out.
Gillispie:
Owns a suit, sleeps in whatever he passed out in and may have worn a white hood at some point to celebrate a "white-out."

Questionable personnel moves:

Pitino:
Allows Edgar Sosa to live.
Gillispie:
Allowed Mike Porter to dribble against Devan Downey.

Unearned reputation:

Pitino:
Every recruit he signs says that "Coach P. knows how to get me to the pros," a secret that he has only shared with Fran Garcia in the past 10 years. Good luck kids.
Gillispie:
Credited as recruiting genius before setting foot in Lexington. He had been at UTEP 2 years and A&M 3 years and recruited virtually none of his contributing players while coaching at each stop. Fingers crossed.

Legacy at UK:

Pitino:
Was generally a dick, but who cares because final fours are fun.
Gillispie:
Is a dick, which is a big problem until he gets to a final four. Please God, let him do something good soon.

Fatal Flaws:

Pitino:
Has never stopped talking and contradicts himself constantly. Thought it was mean to impede the vision of Grant Hill. Is undoubtedly king of the douches.
Gillispie:
Won't play zone. Thinks timeouts and adjustments are for sissies. Thinks he could coach up a sock to play lock down d on Kobe.

So, the spread for tonight's game...

2009-03-04T12:19:00.000-05:00

The Cats by 18.

Who is setting these lines? I may be making a call to Cousin Tom (bookie).

I mean, seriously, if a team starting Jared Carter and Michael Porter can beat ANYONE by 18, I'll be shocked.

To quote Casey's apt text message, "We are playing UGA's men's team, right?"

And, yes, Tommy, I am still cheering for the Cats, that line just seems insanely blue-tinted.

Finally!

2009-03-03T19:30:00.003-05:00

Sweet! Someone wrote an article about UK that I can criticize! And the doucher is from Tennessee! We beat them twice! I am going to rip this chucker a new one! Let's get to it:

Kentucky coach's act wears thin with players, fans

Oh. So he's taking that stance.

The calendar has flipped to March, as in "March Madness."

How long has he been sitting on that lead?

"I'm gonna blow your fucking minds with my first March column. You watch." Also, has anyone ever said, "so, is march madness in reference to soldiers? Or a high school band? What's 'march?'"

And nowhere are they madder than in Kentucky, as in "Kentucky basketball."

I hope the entire column is this infuriating. And I wouldn't say Kentucky fans are mad, so much as annoyed, confused, and fed-up. But that could describe us anytime, really.

'Cats fans were so steamed after Kentucky lost a 73-70 heartbreaker to LSU in Rupp Arena that they lustily booed the officials as they ran off the court. Those fans used to do that after games Kentucky won.

Call me crazy (or stupid), but doesn't the word 'lustily' denote merriment? Regardless, this doesn't make sense. So you're saying, UK fans are so pissed that they booed the refs after a loss, which is different from when they booed the refs after a win? If your point is to say that Kentucky fans are irrational, you fucked it up. Somehow.

They're so mad they don't know where to accurately direct their anger.

According to you, they merrily directed it at the refs.

They should follow Kentucky Coach Billy Gillispie's example. He spent much of his precious press conference time piling on his players.

And speaking in double-negatives. Oh, and cliches. Don't forget that.

Gillispie is about as popular in the Bluegrass these days as anti-smoking advocates.

My buddy Joe is an anti-smoking advocate, and he has like 1500 Facebook friends. So you can go fuck yourself. And contrary to your own beliefs, not every person in KY is associated with the tobacco industry.

This should have read: "...these days as black people."

I don't pretend to know how much longer Kentucky will suffer Gillispie.

Why not? You pretend to know everything else.

Suffice it to say it doesn't appear to be working out for the coach who worked miracles at basketball outposts in El Paso and Texas A&M.

Sweet 16s aren't miracles anywhere but Tennessee, pal.

Gillispie claimed his players weren't smart enough to carry out his directions to switch screens on LSU's game-winning shot, thus leaving Tasmin Mitchell with an open 3-pointer that he buried.

Now, I've not read the quote, but did he say "not smart enough?" They fucked up. That's not his fault (well, not entirely).

LSU's last seven SEC wins have been by less than 10 points. The last time LSU won in Rupp Arena was 1989, when Chris Jackson was making shots from Versailles.

So fuck you, Gillispie!

Kentucky was coming off a crushing 18-point loss at South Carolina. In his postgame radio show, Gillispie took time to throw three Kentucky players under the bus after he was asked a question about Jodie Meeks.

I can't wait to hear all the bus-throwin' fun you're not going to explain!

The guy is losing it.

I agree with this. Would you please support it with something?

Meeks and LSU's Marcus Thornton are frontrunners for SEC Players of the Year. Yet if word I'm getting out of Kentucky is accurate, Meeks and Patrick Patterson are as gone as gone can be after this season plays out.

Question: What does Marcus Thornton have to do with anything?

Question: Why so redundant?

Question: Is that supposed to be 'good as gone?'

Statement: Please be wrong.

Why come back to this dysfunctional circus?

You've yet to describe anything that could elicit the label "dysfunctional circus." A dysfunctional circus would consist of a man-eating chicken banging a bearded lady while pistol-whipping the pizza in a cup guy that drove the other pizza in a cup guy right out of business.

Gillispie has played mind games with a number of players.

And guessed their weights!

His substitution patterns are impossible to decipher.

Noted.

I don't know how 'Cats can get in a doghouse, but that is where Gillispie has banished some of his players.

You know, that's just an expression. They're not really in an actual doghouse. Had that been the case, Gillispie would have been arrested.

Kentucky has won only three of its last nine games.

Oh my god. Seriously? Good lord, I hadn't realized just how bad we'd been.

In a way-below-average year for the SEC, they are 8-6 with games against Georgia and Florida waiting. Imagine what the numbers would be if the SEC had a team other than LSU that was considered a threat to go deep in the NCAA Tournament.

Pretty bad, I'd say. That's a scary point you make, carny-man.

Kentucky teams of Eddie Sutton, Rick Pitino and, yes, Tubby Smith would have run through this league like Patton through the Germans.

Don't disagree.

The NCAA's Ratings Performance Index for Kentucky is 66. ESPN's Joe Lunardi has Kentucky in the tournament and Florida out. Florida is one of his first four teams out. Kentucky goes to Florida Saturday. The winner could get in, the loser out. Heaven forbid Kentucky slips up against Georgia Wednesday at Rupp Arena.

If that happens, Kentuckians will hate Gillispie more than gay people.

Gillispie hasn't endeared himself to Kentucky players or fans. He chooses to point fingers at everyone but himself.

Nothing makes 'Cats fans madder.

I like where your head's at here, but, unfortunately, people are still madly in love with the not-black coach. I wish our fans were madder than they are.

Clever C-J Headline?

2009-03-03T09:46:00.002-05:00

Headline describes Andre McGee as being "well-rounded."

In fairness, the article is about, in so many words, the fact that McGee is not a complete dolt and cares about the White House and shit.

Cubs and Chi Sox 10 PM Wednesday Night

2009-03-03T07:32:00.000-05:00

After the Cats lose at home to a dismal UGA squad, check out the Cubbies on WGN!

Oh, Len, how I've yearned to hear your voice again! If it's Hawk and DJ, I'm watchin' E!

Schilling a Future Cub?

2009-02-28T19:45:00.002-05:00

Worlds are colliding!

these hundred tacos should provide adequate sustainance until the women's college world series!!!

2009-02-28T13:44:00.005-05:00

So apparently the BGSU women's team has some sort of long winning streak they are looking to extend today against Kent. Let's just say their attempts at extension are proving very effective on yours truly. Here's a link to the team page. Wow, there are countless jokes i could make about Big Ten basketball vs. the MAC right now, but I am lost in her eyes...http://bgsufalcons.cstv.com/sports/w-baskbl/mtt/bgu-w-baskbl-mtt.html

A Really Long Analogy: Tubby and Billy

2009-02-28T12:59:00.006-05:00

Imagine, if you will, a man has a wife he has been married to for a number of years. Most years have been really solid, some of the best of his life. A few were disappointing, especially the last few. The man, being a cocky redneck that she dressed up and made respectable, begins to wonder if something else is out there. He needs excitement he felt in his youth when he was banging all kinds hot chicks at BFE High. Maybe if his wife tried harder, worked out a little, and just did more than trying to say the right things, it could work out. Sensing her husband’s frustration, growing discontent and observing him leering at a surprisingly attractive Arby’s assistant manager, she begins to look around herself. “Goddamn” she thinks, “I am the best wife, lover, and cook of any of his retard friends’ wives, and he wants to fuck around on me. I can do better than this dick hole anyway.” So, she begins talking and becomes smitten with the idea of moving far away, just to piss him off, with a man who outwardly seems much more boring and less successful. As good women do though, not those like “Kate” of the “John and Kate + 8” variety, she sees enormous potential in this loser. He’s just down on his luck, living in an old house, affectionately nicknamed “The Barn” and wears really ugly clothes, Gold and Maroon to be exact.

As the University of Kentucky winds up its second basketball season under the bizarre and assholeish tenure of Billy Gillespie, the comparisons to Tubby Smith have quieted dramatically. It’s only natural. Those making the comparisons were the ones who could not be satisfied with obtaining the overall number one seed a few short years. It is completely natural for these thoughts not to be verbalized. They go in the same category as 1) I know I should not have leased this BMW and in will irrevocably damage my credit, but it was fun to pretend at the dealership 2) That trip to “Healing Gardens” for an innocent massage did go too far. Why didn’t they provide condoms? I guess I cannot sue them, technically. Surely I am the only client she has ever had full fledged intercourse with 3) Oh God, I left the campfire burning. It was like a quarter mile to the creek and I was tired and the handle of the bucket really hurt my hand. Now three people are dead. These thoughts are relegated to a part of our brain that only opens after nine drinks when the right mix of people are around. Comparisons to old “Ten-loss Tubby” are gone, not because they were old-hat, but rather much too painful.

Now, Tubby has brought Minnesota back from the dead and Kentucky is hoping for a really lenient NCAA committee that remember who they used to be. Apparently, the man can still coach and recruit, and has an exceptional class coming to the tundra next year from reverse climates such as California and Florida. The years look warm and snuggly ahead. Kentucky, who last year was carried to mediocrity by Ramal Bradley and Joe Crawford, and this year by Patrick Patterson and Jodie Meeks, seems destined to slide even further into irrelevance. Coach Gillespie has made a short career of riding exceptional players to mild success. The very fact that A.C. Law beat Louisville in Rupp (Which also shows a ridiculously miniscule amount of imagination and drive to do a real search for a coach at a place like Kentucky. “Hey, this guy beat Louisville. That’s what we like to do. I hate flying in planes and talking to coaches. You’re hired. We’ll get you a contract in a few months. Try not to be a total redneck retard between now and then.) is essentially how the man got here.

What is most unfortunate is the angst that Kentucky fans must feel knowing what their future holds (to be certain, it is the same as University of Louisville football fans, but that was not of their own choosing). The old colloquialism, “One in the hand is worth two in the bush,” certainly applies. One only needs to look back at the firing of Gene Stallings as the head coach of the Alabama football team to see the likely future of Kentucky basketball. Stallings was a winner, a couple short years removed from the National Championship. Criticisms ranged from he was too old and lost his drive to he didn’t win by enough. From the outside, the criticisms were clearly insane. From the perspective of Pee-Wee football coaches in Dotham, the man clearly had to go. What followed were a succession of failures that included Mike DuBose (briefly and sadly nicknamed “DuBear” after his one win over Florida), Dennis Franchione (nicknamed “Coach Fran” which could be any grandmother filling in for a sick coach in a five year old soccer game, not the “bad-ass, don’t fuck with me image most want as their Alabama coach) and Mike Shula (I promise he was hired because of his merits). The final solution? Throw a billion dollars at someone you know is good. Is this the future at Kentucky? If it is, it’s of their choosing. It is certainly more exciting than a guy who makes the tournament every year, will be in the top 20 most of the time and will represent the university with class and dignity.

Our fictitious husband has married an exciting new girl. She likes to drink and party and seems to be more comfortable around his friends. But warning signs have begun to creep up. She holds weird grudges against kids. She begins to say bizarre things and is not very nice to his parents. There are clearly rough patches early in the marriage. “Wait until we have our own kids,” he thinks, “Then everything will get better. It has to. This was the right thing to do, right?” Meanwhile, through a friend, he hears that his now ex-wife is thriving and planning to go to the biggest party of the year. He is hoping his wife doesn’t screw up the invitation. He just can’t bring himself to voice that he may have made a mistake.

Best Video Ever. Seriously.

2009-02-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

Funny You Should Go there, Worm

2009-02-27T12:55:00.000-05:00

In actuality, we had a threat like this about five years ago. Someone found a Post-it note in the IMC bathroom that read, "April 24 will be the next Columbine."

We immediately had a faculty meeting, and it was decided that we would 'man up' and attend school anyway.

April 24 rolled around, and as I entered the school building, it was very odd because there were random people there like construction workers and delivery men, and, hell, maybe even an Indian...all clearly undercover cops. (That's an oxymoron.)

Long story short, it ended up being some punk-ass bitch who just did it for attention. No attention was paid him, the school day went as planned, and we all went home a little smarter.

Moral of story: You can't let one douche bag ruin your picnic because it's probably just some pussy kid laughing with his buddies when school gets canceled.

Moral of the story II: St. X didn't allow some spoiled shit head to dictate what we did, and Trinity reacted like a bunch of pussies. You can have the football trophies.

keepin up with the mcveighs

2009-02-27T12:00:00.002-05:00

http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090227/ZONE02/90227005&s=d&page=5#pluckcomments

In response to this article, a spokesman for St. Xavier High School said that they would be having a two day security-related threat school closing day thingy. When pressed for comment, the spokesman said, "well, two days is a longer time, and we promise you, ours is a VERY specific threat, so yea...just a lil bit better..."

Lots and Lots of Words

2009-02-27T10:00:00.006-05:00

Because I'm some sort of Kentucky masochist, I wade through comments sections and get really angry. Sometimes I punch my computer. What's most frustrating, I think, is how stupid people are. What's second most frustrating, I think, is that these people argue relentlessly with others that will never, ever agree with them.

Typical argument:

"Tubby sucks."
"He was a great guy and he got the most out of his players."
"He couldn't recruit a piece of fried chicken to his mouth."
"Neither could you."
"Good. I'm glad. Because fried chicken is really bad for you."
"I just meant any sort of chicken, because if you get it grilled or something it's fine."
"Eating grilled chicken is gay."
"Really mature."
"You're the one arguing; all I said was that Tubby sucked."
"Well, you suck."
"Whatever, that's what your mom does."
"Really mature."
....

It goes on like that for some time. Regardless, due to my sleuth-like vision, I was able to glean some actual meaningful insights from these morons. Basically, I see 5 schools of thought concerning BCG. Below, I outline each with their pros and cons:

Tubby Left the Cupboard Bare:
This is probably the most popular of theories. While I think it's insane that people STILL blame Tubby for UK's inability to perform at a very low level, people do---quite frequently. My problem here is that the cupboard wasn't bare. There's a lot to be said about this, which I'll save for another day, but here's the premise: (1) Tubby was, though on a different level, left with a bare cupboard as well. He didn't have "his" players and adjusted his coaching accordingly...like a normal person. Ergo, perhaps BCG shouldn't be so "hard-headed like your mother." (2) Joe Crawford, Ramel Bradley, and Patrick Patterson is enough. How many good players does a team need? Really, a couple will do, if the others are serviceable and know what to do.

I said I wasn't going to get into this, and I won't, but I want to make one point: does anyone else find it ironic that Tubby, at his best (2003-2005), had a tougher team than anyone in the country? And they were a bunch of marginal players.

Wait Until Billy Gets His Players In:
This somewhat mirrors the above sentiment, but with a slight difference. Again, I have to bring Tubby into this.

First of all, this isn't a terrible argument. However, one thing good coaches can do well is communicate. BCG does this very, very poorly. Poor communication with others is a byproduct of being stupid, and it generally leads to utter failure (see "America," 2000-2008). Stupid people, like BCG, are too stupid to listen to anyone else. It's their way or your locker gets cleaned out.

I don't think that a coach asserting his dominance over a team is all bad, but he must let it go both ways and listen to his players. And adjust.

Still, if no one leaves and BCG brings some more guys in next year, we might be good. Maybe.

Give Him a Few Years:
This one also mirrors the previous one, and again, not completely irrational. People love pointing to the progress Meeks and Patterson have made (you can throw Miller in there as well). However, one thing people don't admit is that a) Meeks was a Tubby guy, and b) he and Patterson were good upon arrival. Also, is it totally insane for me to say that after a year of BCG coaching, Patterson has digressed?

That's not really the point here, though. People love pointing to Rich Brooks and what he has done for the football team, though they glaringly omit how fucking shitty that team was. Brooks didn't take over a bowl team; he took over a team on probation. I think the situation is totally different. Plus, rebuilding a basketball team is not nearly as hard as a football team. Look at LSU.

Still, it is not unreasonable to give this guy a third year. And by the way, I reserve the right to call him clueless and stupid until we are good again. Even with all of the talent we should have next year, I still think we'll underachieve.

This Just Isn't Working:
I think if my opinion on this subject were a Venn diagram, the circles representing "give him one more year" and "this isn't working" would have a large overlap. I watched the USC game and thought, 'nope, he's done. Get him out. The guy's clueless.' Then, I think about what could happen next year and how we still have time to make this year's tourney, and I think, 'well, maybe one more year.'

The problem, of course, has been our lack of improvement. It's like we are defiant in terms of fixing what the problems are. For instance, Porter, no matter how hard he tries, cannot handle the point. We've played almost 30 games, and it was obvious after 2. Still, he's there, trying to dribble. You know why Liggins and Galloway are frustrated? Because they have to watch his shitty ass fuck everything up (no offense). Why practice hard when, regardless of what your coach says, it doesn't matter? Worse, why play well? Playing well is the death knell for a bench player.

Further, his defiance towards changing defenses is astounding. Someone in the comments, you know, one of those assholes who says things about the Tampa 2 and shit, said something to the effect of, 'zoning would be stupid, b/c teams like USC would just shoot over it. Plus, we'd be learning new defenses on the fly.'

Sadly, he's right. Now, it's too late to learn these defenses. Had the offseason been spent learning new defenses rather than puking, we wouldn't be in this predicament. Regardless, it's still BCG's fault. We're probably in better shape than anyone, but it doesn't matter when you give Downey his left hand and he blows by you. (Does anyone remember this? They showed the replay a million times. Apparently, Ramon was told Downey couldn't go left, so Ramon shaded his right side. Downey went left and scored an uncontested lay-up. It was a microcosm of Ramon's career.)

It seems more like we are lighlty coached, rather than poorly coached. We don't get outcoached because our schemes are bad; we get outcoached b/c we don't have schemes. We show up, talk about toughness, then the ball is tossed up and every player thinks, 'oh fuck, now what?'

Seriously, is He Drunk or Retarded:
Probably not either of these, but who can tell?

I realize I'm kind of hedging by saying that I think he should be back next year to see what he can do with a team full of talent. Still, I wouldn't say that he deserves it. This team has talent; why can't they win games?

Allright, new drink...

2009-02-26T17:13:00.002-05:00

So here we go!!!

We play like this...if you think Gillespie sat Meeks last night because he was inebriated http://www.kentucky.com/601/story/36115.html comment "drunk" on this post.

If you think that Billy C (for Corky) sat Meeks because he has down syndrome/has the retardation comment "Corky".

Well, This is Good News

2009-02-26T14:33:00.000-05:00

Oh man, this website rules, if only for the gigantic title.

We’re No Better Than They (Train) Are (Is)

2009-02-26T11:41:00.000-05:00

This one hurts to admit.

I always used to tell myself, “Gillispie may not be great, but at least he’s better than Kragthorpe.” Well, he isn’t. In fact, he may be worse. If Kragthorpe has done one thing, it’s unify the fanbase. They all fucking hate that guy, so they’re gonna hunker down and wait until the day he leaves. With Billy G, he has polarized a fanbase with rational individuals who objectively judge results versus racist morons who love his ‘aw shucks, no-nonsense’ attitude (I'm doing the pow-pow-pow Yosemite Sam gun thing with my hands right now).

This hurts me because I loved nothing more this football season than reading the meltdown on insidetheville.com, watching the Syracuse losses, our beatdown of them at Papa John’s, Bolen’s numerous stuffings on fourth-and-one, and the farce that they called a kicking game. Now, I’m left to sleep in the bed I’ve made. And that bed is filled with poo.

Ev…er, Gene, covered most of the reasons why Billy sucks, the least of which is the total lack of improvement across the board, so I won’t belabor that. This is more of a compare/contrast essay, and sadly, when it comes to results on the court/field, it’s a lot of compare and very little contrast.

Krags has stupid maxims he uses every press conference (I’m the captain of this ship!), our boy does too (We got whipped!) Krags’ teams quit on him, our guys obviously quit last night. Krags team didn’t build on a momentum gaining win (South Florida), ours didn’t either (Florida or Tennessee). Krags’ personnel decisions are baffling (Vic splitting time), ours are too (LANDON SLONE...NOW?!?!) To throw in a horse racing analogy (which is now my favorite sport of March), it’s a dead heat.

And spare me the “Billy is a top notch recruiter” argument. First off, he embarrassed us with that eighth grader, and even when Orton gets here, Billy will have him out top, guarding another mid-major guard, watching us lose in our season opener. He won’t make them any better. Plus, GET A FUCKING POINT GUARD!!!!

Gene also said something last night that I have thought countless times, ”What the fuck is up with our dad?” He then said something else, “Did you ever think we would be in a position where we had to sweat it out come tournament time?” And with Tubby, we never did. With this guy, two years straight.

And the ‘cupboard bare’ argument sucks. Yeah, Jared Carter is our only senior (and what a Senior Night that will be), but Tubby did his best work with projects like Gerald Fitch, Chuck Hayes, and Erik Daniels. He also made the top notch athletes (Bogans, Prince, Rondo) better all around athletes and NBA players. Plus, when everyone pissed and moaned about his shitty recruits, he went out and got the #1 class in the nation, just to shut everyone up. But, Minnesota sucks right now, so I’m gonna leave this one be.

There is one aspect of this rant that becomes the contrast part of the essay, and it has to do with our AD. We have already seen that Jurich is perfectly fine with fiddling mindlessly as his kingdom burns to the ground, all the while insulting his customers, but Mitch can be better than that. We have an AD that knows he is not bigger than the program. He can fix this, and he needs to do it much sooner than later.

Mitch, go get somebody, anybody. Darrin Horn would be terrific (he’s kicked our ass twice this year), as would Jay Wright (for selfish reasons…rowwwwr!), and I still like John Pelphrey as an option. Look, I know these guys aren’t perfect, but I am ready for the devil-I-don’t-know instead of the douchebag-I-do.

Everybody Just Relax...

2009-02-26T10:00:00.001-05:00

Before red issues the 2nd part of his manifesto regarding cologne and remotes...or something, I first need to lay some ground rules down.

This shit is getting out of hand. And yes, what I'm about to say could have easily been typed in an email to red, Dean and Bick, but more posts equal more...wasted time, I suppose.

1) Paragraph Breaks: I don't know why this is so elusive, but there must be a break between paragraphs. That is to say that when you finish your though about splashin' Aqua Velva on your nads, hit enter twice.

Like this. It makes the content much easier to read for our stupid generation that sees long paragraphs and says, 'holy shit, fuck that. That ALL can't be important, right?'

2) Timing: Not that I care too much, but we, Team Tapioca, seem to shoot our collective wad in like a 20 minute span. Now, if all of us had a post concerning last night's, ahem, incident, then that's cool; throw all that shit up. But if you were going to make a 1,500 word rant about, oh, I don't know, remote controls, go ahead and let puppy sit overnight.

Here's how: On the bottom left-hand corner of your text editor (i.e. the place where the words are appearing) there is a horizontal triangle and the words "Post Options." If you click there, three post options will appear. Two of them are pointless, but the one on the bottom right says "Post Time and Date." You can change when the post goes live! What a country!

So if someone has recently posted something and you really have to tell the world that you think Michael Young bails out on sliders when he has two strikes during games in Minnesota after the fourth inning but before the eighth, let it sit a few hours. It won't hurt anybody.

Look people, we're a blog with like 5 readers, let's act like it.

3) Fake Names: My name's not really Gene Parmesan, but let's try to keep proper names out of this. People know who's who, and that's fine, but some people don't. Let's try and keep it that way. I'm looking at you, Bick.

And, for the record, I care way more about (1) than (2,3).

Intro - With More to Follow

2009-02-25T21:41:00.016-05:00

Given the hubbabelou that has been the last night’s game, I will offer some slight asides that give new flavor to this blog. You can call me Red – you’ll eventually call me an asshole – be it either way. Welcome to my offerings. Realize that any comments or reactive posts will be met will vitriol and crushing reproach, I welcome your thoughts. LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

Losing the Scent

I consider the idea of cologne slightly archaic. I know of only two reasons to wear cologne – 1 – Most prominent by a wide margin, is to cover up another awkward smell {worm} I’m talking to you directly and – 2 – A first date in which it’s the neck and the crotch being splashed. I consider number two hopeful, but effective if the Applebee’s and the Long Island Ice Tea play the role they’re supposed to at such a reasonable price.

But beyond these occasions I find limited the occasion to slap on the smooth sophistication that is the Agua Velva – from here on out referred to as deep blue. Though it’s color great and the timing and sponsorship during a UK basketball game seems apropos, I have doubts. Seriously, when was the last occasion when you thought, “I really need to impress in this situation, what can I do to send me Over the Top – ala a steroid ripped trucker named Stallone – and just wow the crowd!?” I guarantee you that the answer is not deep blue. It’s not a complicated calculation, it’s not a great chess match.

I would reserve the greatest reaction to the commercial in the representation of this scent of yesteryear being passed down from one generation to the next. The imagined exchange was implied in the commercial, but should truly play out as below:

Dad – [Casually standing in front of the bathroom mirror with his son] “You know, son, I remember the time I shaved just before my first date with your mother. Deep blue gave me the confidence I needed.”
Son – [Wiping off the remnants of his first shave] “Really, you were nervous? I mean, I guess mom was hot back in the day?”
Dad – [Looking back and to the left with bravado, an assurance of confidence] “Hot. And loose like a caboose on greased rails. [Grabbing his crotch through the towel draped around his waist and adjusting slightly.] “My flaming skull tattoo was what gave her the vapors I’m sure, but deep blue didn’t hurt either.”
Son – [Looking unsure and more than slightly unnerved] “Um, dad I don’t think I’m comfortable…” [Turning towards the bathroom door to leave]
Dad – [Pulling on the son’s right arm to keep him in the “moment”] “That’s the key son. Finding the girl that loves the boys and being the man she’ll love the most. That and I banged her like a drum the rest of the night. Thanks to Scrapper at Scraps Tats and Piercings and, maybe, I guess, even deep blue. Mostly Scrapper, though and this sick tat!”

Now, if that was the way the commercial finished out, I ensure you Axe would have nothing on deep blue. Hell, I’d buy the shit in bulk from Costco and give myself a post-shower rinse. However, this is not the reality. This is an imagination that will live in cyberspace, pass through the advertising agency, with which they can only respond by saying, “Well, we thought about that, but, eh, we’re a wholesome brand.” Wholesome, maybe, dying probably even more so. Find it at Walgreens for $1.00. I see it as only slightly more compelling as cologne than it is to a dire-need-of-a-fix to bummed-out alcoholics. When the liquor store is closed and Thunderbird was your go-to, smelling up your insides comes as only a slight distraction for that sweet decline.

So deep blue, realize that your adverts are a waste of time and money. If you realize the scenario above and remove some of the familial implications – you might have a winner on your hands. Otherwise, it’s the same shit you put on your neck and balls when you want to cover up the smell of weed or when you try to get laid by a cheap, dirty, very dirty whore!

She Does More Than Turn it Off and On

There is one true quantifiable understanding of love between and man and a woman. Not to be derogatory, but the love between one man and another, or more tantalizing between two women is inherently different. [Dudes understand instinctively and lesbians don’t care…] No, the greatest display a woman can have for her man is being able to operate his remotes.

We can step back for a second and look at the offerings from Best Buy. The new age Universal Remote, that falls/fails into one of two categories – A – Too expensive or – B – Requires a PhD to setup. Either way, the one controller solution is nullified and tossed out like when she thought your collection of novelty bobble-heads were childish and inappropriate for the guest bedroom.
No, true love is measured when the four remotes sitting on the ottoman are no less mysterious to her than your go-to move after the 500th performance. She understands them both intimately and their connection – hopefully her ultimate pleasure.

[A quick analysis of my own conundrum. The TV remote is basically worthless, unless it is connected to the Cable remote for the simple On/Off function. But, becomes essential for the actual channel change to find the auxiliary functions – Cable 1, Local, BlueRay, Game and possibly Satellite (if you’re an asshole with too much money and will never find the time to watch it all, but like having the choice if you did.) There may be slight association to the tonal image – Movie, Sports or Gaming system if she hasn’t thrown that out as well. However, if you’ve bought a Wii recently for the “fun of it” and how cool it is to “jam” with friends, play tennis or hit the lanes together, you might want to consider shooting yourself in the head right now! This is the saddest reality beyond the fucking body blanket and the lowest point you’ll find beyond the Marinara’s Trench.

Next follows the receiver, which will allow you to enjoy the 5.1 stereo surround sound of any of these fine product choices. Sound quality is further augmented by the precise quality and resonance dictated, again by the requirement. The rest are a simple cascade to the BlueRay, Satellite remote, Game controller – On/Off, fast forward, rewind, pause, channel up/down, etc.]

I know this sounds complicated and I ensure you that it is, but if she can understand it – latch on to her like grim death. Understand that it’s not that she wants to know how this symphony is conducted, but she has studied your maneuvers, your gesticulations within the juggling art and she appreciates it. That, or she wants to understand how to watch Matthew McConaughey bare-chested in digital perfection married to the subtle sounds of his pecks flexing – fill-in your own romantic comedy movie here – Kate Hudson or Penelope Cruz are a good jumping off point! Nevertheless she understands.

In the end, whether it is the TV remote or your own that she is playing with; she likes it and likes what it does for her. If Sony was so smart they’d figure out how to marry the Rabbit and an easy to use Universal Remote. God help us if they do, because we’d all be out of a job and playing with our own remotes endlessly!

Callanwolde

2009-02-25T20:54:00.003-05:00

Good lord, where to begin.

I guess I should first define the title. Callanwolde is a fictional location devised by author Pat Conroy, and it describes all that is beyond bad and evil. It's worse than the mind can conjure. I might have fucking spelled it wrong, but that's the least of my worries right now. And face it, yours too.

I don't really think my keyboard/sanity can handle a rehashing of the mistakes in tonight's game. They're too plentiful, and frankly, too depressing. Instead, let's cut to the chase.

We all agree now, right? It's over. The little "hey, let's give him time/wait till he's got his guys/I just like 'em 'cause he ain't black" spell has ended, yes? We've done nothing by way of improvement, and goddammit---for all the talk---nothing by way of toughness. We're just as bad as we were when we lost to Gardner-Webb. We don't improve, we don't change, we don't adjust. We stubbornly lay in our own shit.

It's not even about records, really. Or wins and losses. Or, shit, maybe it's entirely about those things. Either way, it's embarrassing. I thought I'd never be so embarrassed after the GW game, then came Houston, San Diego, Vandy, VMI, and now, this. And seriously, I wouldn't be pissed if we had IU type shit-asses (no offense, guys! Keep fightin'!). However, we have good players. Meeks and Patterson are as good as it gets. Miller, Liggins, Galloway and Stewart can play as well. This situation comes down to guys, like Porter and Harris, being put in unfair positions. Look, Harris can't guard Downey and Porter can't dribble past him, you don't have to be around these guys 10 hours a day to see this. Stop the bullshit. Toughness can't bring the ball up the floor. And zones fucking work, too!

It's unexplainable. I've never seen a team more unprepared to play a game and a coach so unwilling to adjust in my life. And it's almost once a week! For as often as this happens, you'd think we'd get more from Gillispie than, "we got whipped." Well no shit, asshole. But why? What went wrong? His inability to explain losses exhibit his ineptitude better than any lowcountry shit-kicking could. "Well, we gotta be tougher and take it personally."

Fuck you. You're an insult to the profession.

Nonsensical Gillispie Message # 2,198

2009-02-25T20:51:00.001-05:00

Bench Meeks.

'I'm so mad we're getting our asses kicked, I'm going to sit you down and make you think about it!'

That's the last time Meeks will ever not score 50 in a road game.

just whippin it out there...

2009-02-25T19:55:00.002-05:00

I submit that we should henceforth refer to...fuck...gimmie a second to look it up...Samardzija, as "Marge"...I like "the shark" too, don't get me wrong, but I think that "Marge" works on several levels...thoughts???

I'm Fuckin' Nervous

2009-02-25T18:40:00.004-05:00

In Billy G's first year and a half, I have never seen so many "biggest game(s) of the year." But, I see no way they can keep us out if we win tonight, and I see no way they invite us in if we lose tonight.

Gene, you should do a blog thingy like last time...it's good luck.

Oh yeah, Patterson will have the worst game ever.

read it here! exciting news re: the big blue!!!

2009-02-25T17:53:00.003-05:00

Ya know how there's that guy who called the other guy and said that the Dodgers were gonna sign Manny? Are you guys curious as to why his parents named him a cuss word?

Anyway, if anybody gets this far, i feel the need to tell you now (spoiler alert) this post has nothing to do with UK, after this paragraph. I am currently watching the Cats game...Devin Downey just went thru Michael Porter's back door, apparently...(R.I.P. him indeed!)...anywho, here is why I am vomiting tears now. I just realized as that for the last few years now, this has become the time of year that i actually turn my focus to hopes of a great Cubs season to ease my pain over UK's March prospects. That, my friends is, in the words of the great Daffy the Duck, a revoltin development.

anyway on to the big (Dodger) blue...
Joe torre sez that "from his experience" Manny was not just sitting around" out there. He further intimated that he actually believes that Manny is "working out"...i swear to a lower case god (J Mack), that he honest to goodness said that he believed Manny was working out.

Really, can anybody even imagine that? If I swore off porn for the rest of my life, I could not hone my imagination to the requisite sharpness it requires to even concieve of Manny working out. I can imagine Manny playing Animal Crossing all day. I can imagine Manny shopping bulk for do-rags. I can definitely picture Manny taking a leisurely stroll across a pond that was recently frozen by the chill of pure evil that surely eminates from beneath the robes of his agent. I cannot envision Manny doing those trunk-twisty things that baseball players seem to do a lot of. Nor can I see him leaving his house to hit in a batting cage. When I think about Manny chasing a chicken around, well I guess that could be done for training purposes, but it's always at a petting zoo. Plus, I always got the feeling that Manny was more along becasue Papi wanted to go!

Well now we get a glimpse into just how worthless Joe Torre's experience must be. First of all, what does Joe Torre know of Manny's offseason habits? Manny came to L.A. looking like the kid who returns to class fresh from the principal's office. He was focused when he came off his little suspension from the Sox and subsequent deal to the Dodgers. Manny has proven that he cannot maintain focus oftentimes through an entire defensive chance, how the hell does Joe Torre believe he can suddenly do so for an entire, now protracted offseason?

Also, he wasn't purely playing hard; he was playing scared. Manny used to dwell at the very top of the shadow cast by shaq. you know the one. It's the one that allows you to operate with a practical carte blanche in America if you are a productive enough athletic commodity that people will put up with all the bullshit that comes along with your " big personality". Manny got exposed as being selfish and disingenuous at the very least last year. I would go so far as to say he comes off like a complete douche now.

The fact is, had Manny been willing to see it through and get himself into a spring training situation or at least show some inclination to at least perpitrate to have some modicum of desire to get there, I personally would have wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But it seems that Manny is more than happy to pretty much just sit there as has always been his custom, citing his self proclaimed "laid back" attitude as cover for the fact that he is actually a disinterested, vain, jackass. I think this is a further indication that managers in baseball really do as little (as far as actual effect on a team) as it would seem they do, or at least they actually know that little. Either that, or Torre just doesn't give a fuck anymore. His spirit was truly broken in New York and it just took a year or more for the cancer to manifest itself. Now he just wants to pull a Costanza upon his inevitable exit and is already positioning himself to really get canned.

ESPN Public Service Announcement

2009-02-25T15:52:00.002-05:00

Tiger's back! And you better start giving a shit, or Sportscenter will be unbearable!

Look, I realize he's probably the greatest golfer ever, and definitely the greatest to yell FUCK! after hitting a drive into the ocean, but subjecting Jason Sobel to live blog the event for ESPN.com is a little much, dontcha think? I mean, it's the first round.

Full disclosure: I'm currently watching the tournament.

I Didn't Realize This Was an Option

2009-02-24T11:26:00.003-05:00

A little baseball aside: Apparently, the Cubs are looking to fill their fifth starter spot (Zambrano, Harden, Dumpster, Lilly). First shot: The Shark. O...........K.........

I don't know who the other "shots" will go to, but hopefully it doesn't end in Samardjizaisjbnsbx's hands. His fastball doesn't move. At all. And people hit it far.

In other news, Marmol isn't playing in the WBC, and will be the closer.

The Reds eat peoples asses.

Making Fun of Professionals

2009-02-20T07:04:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure this is the best way to get work in the industry. I'm again going to make fun of a successful, well-known columnist. Still, he says some stupid shit.

Michael Rosenberg is a columnist for Fox Sports and the Detroit Free-Press. If the words he writes are any indication, he is an asshat:

Tourney's greatness makes regular season suffer

This is going to be too easy.

Pittsburgh is about to play Connecticut in a matchup of top-five teams. North Carolina just beat Duke at Cameron Indoor Stadium in another matchup of national-title contenders.

Are you watching? I suspect most of us are not.

First of all, and this isn't entirely your fault, but "matchup" isn't a word. That's OK, because you say something way stupider in your first 2 sentences. In short, yes, I'm watching. A lot of people watched UNC/Duke. Something like 3.3 million of them. I know, because I looked it up. It wasn't hard.

Is that good? Well, it was the second most-watched show in the 18-49 demographic that night. I'd say the NCAA isn't too upset. Still, even if the numbers differ from college football, there's good reason: football is on Saturdays. Plus, you only see your team once a week.

And come fall, so many of us will scream and whine and shake our heads at the Bowl Championship Series and demand a big fat college football playoff.

Now, I ask again: Are you watching?

You know, he's right! We should all...wait, what? Am I watching what?

A month from now, college basketball will present us with the best postseason in American sports. In the meantime, we have to talk ourselves into thinking that when two of the best teams in the country face each other, it's a big game. The weirdest part of college basketball is that late in the regular season, the biggest games are the ones between two pretty good teams, not two great ones. Those are the games in which NCAA tournament bids are on the line.

Um, OK. I'm kind of catching your stupid drift. However, still, teams play for seeding and pride and shit. Beyond that, you're nullifying your own point: at the end of college football's regular season, fans you are describing only give a shit about five or six teams. In CBB, since the lesser squads have more to play for, the games are more interesting. Hence, Championship Week, which is awesome, despite the fact shitty teams are playing.

Also, I'm not sure I understand. Are college basketball attendance numbers down or something? It seems unprofessional to make such an attack based on assumptions.

Hey, that's a deal college basketball accepted long ago. The sport sacrifices four months of intrigue for three weeks of delightful insanity.

I guess it's kind of like me, sacrificing 4 minutes of zero intrigue in you overly-contrarian article for 3 seconds of delight when I print it out and take a dump on it.

But there is a lesson here for college football fans and more importantly, for the people who run the BCS. The BCS is horribly flawed, we all know that. It claims to be something it is not. BCS logic dictates that if you label one team No. 1 and another No. 2, and put them together on the field, you have yourself a national championship game no matter how you come up with those labels.

Well this is off topic. But yes, the BCS is horribly flawed.

And yet, if you replace the BCS, you have to be very, very careful. College football still has the best regular season in all of sports. If USC played Notre Dame in late November, and both teams were ranked in the top five, but you knew that no matter who won, they would both end up in a playoff, what would you have?

An awesome regular season game. And apparently, you haven't watched college football since 1991. Notre Dame sucks now, pal.

Some people, and this may sound crazy, like sports. That is to say, some people, again, I know how crazy this sounds, like to watch football and basketball. It's a reason to get drunk with your friends and yell at a TV. It's awesome. Tell me, with a straight face, that if someone said, "hey, turn this crappy UConn/Pitt game off. I mean, who cares until March, right?" you wouldn't kick them where their balls should be. Your argument is like someone saying, "what are you doing, watching a movie? Why? This will have no effect on the British Open champion, you know."

Basically, your life isn't a fucking BW3's commercial. Sometimes games aren't of utmost importance. Still, watching UNC/Duke in February is still exciting for those of us not completely burnt-out on sports. But hey, that's the deal you accepted a long time ago when you became a sports reporter.

Duke-North Carolina, that's what. There are those that argue Duke-North Carolina is the best rivalry in sports. I love Duke-Carolina, but come on: How can it be the best rivalry in sports?

You watch too much ESPN. Go on.

When was the last time Duke knocked Carolina out of the national title hunt, like Florida and Florida State have done on a regular basis? How can UNC-Duke be the best rivalry when bragging rights are often split in a given year? I don't know what the state of Alabama would do if Auburn and 'Bama each beat each other in football one year. Probably just shut down and spend a year in collective therapy.

By your logic, about three games would matter a year. The SEC Football Championship, the Big 12 Championship, and USC v. some shit-ass team out west. I hate to belabor the same point, but some people like sports. And watching others compete. Because college athletes are good. And dunks are cool.

I like college basketball. But I don't truly love it until March, when the best teams play with genuine tension in the building. And since everybody complains about college football's postseason, maybe we ought to realize there is a tradeoff here. College hoops is on the other side of the coin.

First of all, define "not genuine tension." I would say that there was genuine tension in the UK/Florida game, and probably 20 others since conference play began.

And there is no going back. Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim actually wants to expand the tourney. Boeheim has been on that kick for several years and seems to think a 128-team field would be just great. I understand why Boeheim feels that way -- his team would be a lock to make the tournament every year, and a 128-team field might save some coaches' jobs.

A 128-team field is stupid. Good call.

Hey, coach. While we're at it, why keep score in the regular season at all? Just let the kids play for the thrill of it and see if they can still get a TV deal.

Oh, haha, you're just being humorous. LOL.

You know, you have a really terrible argument here. Do you know what makes it worse? I'll tell you: lack of research, lack of cohesive argument, and lack of solution to the "problem." Seriously, do you want a 12 game college basketball season?

I assume this was rapidly thrown together as the typical, "hey, that Rosenberg sure takes some crazy stances" article.

My Noodle's In Over-drive

2009-02-19T09:43:00.003-05:00

Guys, I've got a great idea. Seriously, this will turn the blog into something of legend. It's going to knock your socks right off! You'll probably shit your pants. Oh man, you're going to be blown away. Ready?

We'll do a Mt. Rushmore of sports! I know, right?! OK, hear me out. Everyday I'll point my webcam at the blue screen I've devised in my apartment. In the background, will be a blank Mt. Rushmore (creepy, right?). Then, in my khakis and golf sweater (because I'm just one of you!), I'll awkwardly lean forward and shout at you. Oh man, this will be epic. The best part is, it's a really original idea!

Wow. I thought Reilly going to ESPN was a sell-out move, but I had no idea it would be to this degree. I don't give a shit who's on Mississippi's Mt. Rushmore. There is no Mt. Rushmore in Mississippi. It's pointless. Can't this feature be web-only?

I know of railed on this before in this space, but good heavens, enough with the subjective lists, ESPN. I don't know if you're to blame or the idiot citizenry that can't watch TV without being able to constantly interact with Jay Fucking Harris.

Maybe UK's Dumber Than I Thought

2009-02-19T08:12:00.003-05:00

Gillispie speaketh:

"It (no Patterson, Meeks not scoring 168 points) makes (the margin for error) smaller, but it doesn't make excuses for guys going to the wrong spots," Gillispie said. "We've played a lot of games already. We're making some mistakes where guys go to the wrong spots.
"It all comes back on coaching, No. 1, period. But you're out of a timeout and they go exactly to the wrong spot when you draw the play up for them -- that's where your margin for error is destroyed."

Uh, yeah. First of all, bravo! Not a single double negative! Secondly, does anyone not believe this? Can't you see Gillispie explicitly telling Perry to stand on the low block, and then watching his lanky ass wander to the elbow?

Maybe he's right. Maybe he has a team of morons.

Ohhhh man, did Stevenson ever suck!

2009-02-18T18:55:00.003-05:00

I'm not right about everything, and I asked almost everyone who reads this (Tommy and Evan) last night, but I will ask it again, "Can we all agree now that Perry is terrible?"

I hope he makes a big, fat liar outta me, but I don't see it happening. It's shameful that, in the absence of Patterson, he couldn't be the guy to step up and handle the inside. He has hands of stone, rarely gets in good rebounding position, and sells out for the blocked shot EVERY time (the last two go hand-in-hand).

Also, I'll go ahead and take the bullet for Gene here, but the officiating sucked bad.

-The Galloway foul on the rebound made NO sense. He took the ball away from the rebounder cleanly and was whistled for a nice hustle play.
- I know Deandre is out of control and probably a loud mouth, but the series in which he got two off the ball fouls in TEN SECONDS was as blatant a power-trip as I have seen in a while.
- Sticking with Liggins, his charge on Ogilvy wasn't even close. If sliding on your knees through the lane is "getting position," then I guess Ogilvy got there.
- Meeks was completely mugged late in the game when he got two tries from point blank. His first shot was blocked cleanly, and they then proceeded to hit him in the face on the second try.
- 15 of their first 30 points were from the stripe. And don't tell me they were taking it to the rack every time. When a white guy fell, somebody was getting a foul called on them. End of story.
- AJ Stewart, although late to the spot on defense most of the evening, had a phantom and-one called against him early on.
- Look. They shot 40 fuckin' free throws. It's VANDY...they ain't that physical.

Would we have won? Probably not. But, I will agree with Gene, who texted last night at one point, that the calls were "weird." Plus, say what you want about Billy, but Stallings is the whiniest bag of shit in the conference...hands down.

Let the People Speak!

2009-02-18T10:49:00.002-05:00

It's getting ugly on the fan front, and people are starting to really go after Gillispie, Stevenson, Harris, and Porter.

The one retort I consistently see is some wise-ass saying, "OK, you guys can keep bitching about the SEC Coach of the Year. Give him time!"

Being the SEC COY is like having the best ass at Centre. Nice, be proud, but once you look around, it's not that impressive. I mean, who else is it going to go to? They all suck. The great paradox of the situation is that if Gillispie had really coached well last season, he probably wouldn't have won. Had we entered conference play with 3 losses instead of a million, 12-4 would've been fine, but not great. He was rewarded for not being as shitty as he was at the beginning of the season.

Let's Be Professional About This

2009-02-18T10:06:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure how the AD and head coaches interact, but I have an idea. I assume that, once the season ends, they talk about the direction of the program, some goals, some regrets, and what they can do moving forward. I could be wrong, but I'm probably close.

With Gillispie and Barnhart, I don't see that dynamic. I imagine the athletic office being very somber, Gillispie entering Barnhart's office, and both men sitting and staring at one another. After several tense minutes, Barnhart will rise and shut the door. At this time, they will both loosen their ties, relax, and laugh maniacally. Because what the fuck?

I doubt this would ever occur, but I don't think that it would be unfair for Barnhart, once the season ends, to call Gillispie to his office and force him to watch film.

First, he'd pop in the VMI game, and say, "Billy, what the fuck?" Then the Ole Miss game. Then the Mississippi State game. Then last night's game. Hell, he may even show him some tape from games that UK won. All the while he'd ask the same question, "what the fuck?"

As in, what's our plan? Is it really for Meeks to score 45 every game? Because that's how it looks. Meeks is great and deserves the ball every possession, but we have to have some other plan if he's stopped. I know last night was more difficult without Patterson, but still, there have to be other options.

After discussing the team's play, I'd imagine they'd have to go into the personnel issues. As in, why does Ramon Harris play more than Galloway? Why does Michael Porter play more than Liggins? Why does Michael Porter play point guard? Why didn't Harrellson play more against Vandy? You know, perhaps Liggins wouldn't play with his face on fire if he knew he was allowed more than 3 minutes or 1/2 of a mistake. It's very confusing, Billy, because it's so arbitrary. You understand, don't you?

Gillispie would then offer some variation of "aw shucks" and cry. We'll be going through this same cycle next year. We still have not improved a bit since day one of 2007.

If You Need a Confidence Boost, Play Notre Dame

2009-02-17T07:55:00.003-05:00

So, cheer sheets. Absurd, yes? Duke does it, Notre Dame does it,other people probably do it, and it's sad. The fact that students must be given cues to cheer is pathetic. Duke was notoriously burned a few years back, but they continue the practice of scripting spontaneity. Notre Dame, apparently, does the same thing. And let me tell you, playing in South Bend must be hell.

I suspect cheer sheets began when confused students entered a basketball arena for the first time and asked for their syllabus. If you pay attention to the crowd at a Duke game, you'll notice that 98% of it is either Asian people, squares, or broke chicks. Eventually, the 2% that remains---which consists of kids from Jersey---decided to type up a guide so that this fours eyes stops bustin' my bawls abouts this, c'mon! I'm watchin' Greggie go dick-out here, ands alls yous askins is abouts our clap formation! It's clap-clap-fist up!

Unless the ND students' plan was to render USF players ineffective by taunting them with really long strings of facts from their media guide bio and niceties, this was the worst attempt at rattling an opposing team in history. Where did it go wrong?

Eladio Espinosa: "Frosh started 10 games but only averages 2 points. LAME."

First of all, and I guess this goes for all of them, are these to be chanted? What can be gleaned from this tidbit and used to "jeer?" 'Nice 10 starts as a freshman, loser. (fist pump, high five).'

Mike Mercer: "Blew out his ACL two years ago while playing for Georgia. Ask how that knee feels."

Mercer: Uh, fine, I guess. Thanks for...asking. What's this all about, anyway?

Chris Howard: "This junior has already been a father for five years! Sophomore year of high school."

That just seems inappropriate.

Gaby Belardo: "6-2, 180 pounds"

This could have just as easily been, "Division-I athlete." THE GUY'S FUCKING NAME IS 'GABY.' If you're planning to be curt with this one, pouncing on his size is not the way to go.

'He's only 180 LOL!'...'Ha, what's his name?'...'Don't worry about it. He's done!'

B.J. Daniels: "School of heckling lesson 1: kids named B.J. are the easiest targets ever. Also, he plays quarterback for the Bulls football team. Played in two games, rushed three times for two yards total."

'Your name means blow job...OK, now what?!' He was also a freshman QB on a pretty good team, and played in a couple of games. I'd assume he's proud of that. School of heckling lesson 2: don't compliment the people you intend to embarrass.

Justin Leemow: "Plays a pretty weak game. Shoots 23% from the field and 44% from the stripe. Yucka."

'We'll just call him yucka. He'll understand.'

Alex Rivas: "Transfer from Pratt Community College brings an intimidating 2 pts. and 4 boards to each game."

He plays fourteen minutes a game. He's a sub.

Ryan Kardok: "Now walk it out. Walk it out. East side walk it out, west side walk it out (sorry, he's a walk on)."

'Why you sorry, brah?! That shit's the tits!' So you're going to serenade this guy with a popular rap song? It would take at least 20 seconds of a bunch of white kids embarrassingly rapping before anyone understood what the song was referencing.

USF team huddle before the game: 'Why's Ryan crying?'...'Did you not hear the chant a minute ago?'...'No, what happened?'...'They sang 'Walk it Out.'...'So?'...'He's a walk-on.'...'Oh. Right.'

Dominique Jones: "Soph is team's best player. Give him as warm of a welcome as the other Dominique [sic...maybe] J. (hatred)"

I guess they hate Dominic James? Or someone else named Dominique. 'OK, boo the best player. You know, I think we're on to something!'

Mitch Emory: "My man mitch has only played one minute this year. Maybe if he had a sweet slogan like our governor he might be able to lobby for more minutes."

First, you're heckling a kid that plays a minute a game? Second, they have no fucking clue who Mitch Daniels is. This "jeer" would require you briefing the opposing team on local politics before the game.

ND students: 'OK, Indiana's governor is named Mitch Daniels. His slogan is 'My Man Mitch.'
USF team: 'OK. Why are you telling us this?'
ND students: 'Oh, you'll find out. (high five, high five, scream of 'yucka!')'

Jesus Verdejo: "Don't mock this kid's name or his father might smite you."

No Jesus Shuttleworth joke?

Augustus Gilchrist: "When he scores Augustus is known to thump his chest and say, "Strength and Honor."

Is he now? So, what are you guys going to do with that?

Aris Williams: "This kid shoots an embarrassing 31% from the free-throw line! 10-32! That's horrendous!"

That is horrendous. Again, how will this be fitted into a quip?

Ajayi Mobolaji: "This is Ajayi's third college. Hope he finally fits in here. 44% FT."

Thanks for the update.

What a bunch of fucking nerds.

Before I Forget...

2009-02-16T18:21:00.003-05:00

Alternate title: Before Gillispie Fucks It Up.

I'd be remiss if I didn't express my satisfaction with both the game plan and execution Saturday. We defended, scored (well, Meeks scored), and ran an actual offense at times. A few times in the first half I noticed that we were calling plays after they set up their offense. Do you know what that means? We scouted! I suspect Gillispie figured that, without Patterson, he'd have to do some actual coaching.

We were in a similar situation as Louisville when they got shit-on in South Bend. Granted, ND is better than Arkansas, but UL is better than UK, also. I was afraid they'd take all their frustrations out on us. We didn't let them, and we kept it from even being close. So, holy shit, bravo.

Step Fucking Nutsac Brothers Drumset Ha Ha But We're 40!

2009-02-15T10:25:00.004-05:00

That may as well have been the title of Step Brothers, because it was basically the crux of every joke. And John C. Reilly sucks. And is not funny.

I reason:

Gratuitous Sex Jokes: I am not a prude, nor am I high-minded or even smart. However, the jokes in this movie were pathetic. How many times will this Apatow guy go back to the dick/pussy joke? We get it; people have sex, and sex jokes are funny, but you punched yourself out in Superbad. And his annoying little habit of making the joke go one step further is just that, annoying. Usually, his little quip isn't funny to begin with, so when it lasts an extra 3 minutes, it's infuriating.

Manufactured Jokes: This trend began with 40 Year Old Virgin, which is hilarious, but came to a head in this shitty piece of shit. Apatow, to me, is the guy that thinks of these great zings!, but lacks the artistic creativity to insert them at the appropriate time. Instead, he just lumps them all into one script, and hands that script to Reilly and Will Ferrell and says, "here, make a joke about kissing Kenny Rogers on the mouth, and we got a hit!"

Adding Fuck Doesn't Always Work: I agree that adding fuck before phrases or words can sometimes be funny or effective dramatically. However, when you add it to every single line, it loses its luster, so to speak. We get it, even old people say fuck.

John C. Reilly Licks Camel Penises: OK, that was sort of funny. Still, this guy, is not. He wasn't in that Ricky Bobby movie, and he wasn't funny here. He tries to play the same old, tired schtick as Ferrell, and he's about half as funny. He is fast becoming the Rob Schneider to Ferrell's Sandler. He's less funny than that Tex asshole from Anchorman. 'Have some chicken, maybe some sex. OH MAN I TOTALLY LOL'D!'

Forced Dialogue: This is a comedy. I know. But would it kill you to sort of base the dialogue in reality? People never, ever talk like that. Ever. For one, no one is quick-witted enough to drop a perfectly executed 45 second "quip." That's why they're quips, or one-liners. Also, you can't make characters too insane or removed from reality. If you do, people can't draw from their own experiences. The funniest part of the movie was when they acted normal at that really big event that got no build-up so it didn't make sense in the movie's context, because this film had...

Zero Plot: Again, I don't intend to be the Ebert of Rant-tastic, but what was this movie about? 40 Year Old Virgin had a point, Superbad had a point, Ricky Bobby had a point. Again, this was just like Apatow's joke cemetary: a place to get all his hilaaaaaaaaaarious jokes to the world. Or Ferrell's jokes, for that matter. A lot of them had his stamp on it, so maybe I'm unfairly giving Apatow the business. Ferrell's falling off. And I yield to a man much wiser than me to explicate such a controversial stance. You can go ahead and ignore the part where he says John C. Reilly's hilarious.

'Oh Look, He's Swinging a Bicycle': Awful.

In closing, the chick from Clifford is a hot old woman. Clifford. Now that's a movie!

I Don't Care What the Stats Say

2009-02-14T17:51:00.005-05:00

I watched the game at Arkansas, and the Razor is not getting it done. My man TDunk22 (now known as playgalloway) is an idiot, I'll grant you that. But, he put up a post about Gillispie not playing Galloway enough at Arkansas. Now, he worded it poorly and was trying to get a rise out of everybody, and he did. But, almost to a man, every person that posted was RAVING about the play of Ramon Harris.

So, I go over to another UK blog that Gene writes for, and sure enough, the ringleader on that blog said that it was "one of the best games Ramon has played" (sic).

What game was I watching? Harris sucks bad, and if I were Galloway, I would transfer and tell Billy to shove it up his ass.

Yeah, we won. But, this game may have been fool's gold again (UT game) because if Meeks doesn't have a superhuman effort each game, we will fuckin' lose with Ramon out there.

P.S. Perry sucked again.

P.P.S. People on message boards are usually stupid, but I dare you to read this thread and disagree with what he says. (Please ignore the misspellings.)

This One's for You, Gayvis

2009-02-14T15:17:00.000-05:00

I'm Gonna Do that Thing Gene Does

2009-02-13T21:49:00.004-05:00

OK, so I was reading the Readers' Corner in the Sports section today, and I don't know who's screening these things, but I can't believe this is the one they picked. Here is the full letter. Hopefully, someone else read this and thought it was woefully stupid. Here goes (his are in bold):

Title: Current Wildcats are 'Team Tapioca'

The 2008-09 Wildcats have earned the moniker 'Team Tapioca' with their play.

Ohhhh, I'm intrigued.

They are soft, mushy and too sweet for their own good.

Too sweet, huh? I don't know what could possibly be viewed as 'sweet' when referencing this team. Even when succeeding, they scrap for everything they get.

Unflavorful, unappealing and too easy to prepare;

Two things: I just thought you said they were 'too sweet.' How the fuck are they all of a sudden 'unflavorful?' It's either sweet or bland, dickface.

Second, teams aren't 'easy to prepare.' You don't prepare teams. If a coach is preparing a team, then wouldn't it be good if they were easy to prepare? What you meant was they're easy to prepare for, but you don't prepare for pudding, do you, dipshit? So your analogy sucks.

...uncoordinated, awkward, and downright yellow in color;

Tell me one time in your life when you described pudding...no, fuck it, any food, uncoordinated.

And apparently we're 'yellow in color.' Had he said just yellow, I get it, we're scared. Instead, you fucked it up by saying yellow in color. Not one Asian. No idea where that came from.

...easily burnt when heated and frequently tasteless.

Burnt when heated I guess means when it gets tight we get burnt...fine. But again with the tasteless. He could've avoided all this ambiguity by just striking the 'sweet' line, but he stuck with it.

Because they are so simple, no adjustments are ever needed.

I lose him here. We don't adjust, or the other team doesn't need to. First off, people sure as shit adjusted when Meeks started to explode, and now teams may have to figure out Galloway. Plus, how do you adjust pudding?

And because there is little else like it, there is no substituting.

This guy means 'There is no substitute.' But, again, it wouldn't make sense in the basketball analogy. And, WE SUBSTITUTE ALL THE FUCKIN' TIME. Billy G takes constant heat for his odd sub patterns. And who is ever like, "Wow, tapioca pudding is one in a million. There is no substituting." That sounds retarded.

They get old quick (got it), are easily stirred (got it), and often give you a headache (lost me).

If tapioca pudding gives you a headache, then I ate a shitload of it the night of my bachelor party.

They miss the mark well over half the time.

When has pudding ever not satisfied your expectations? It's pudding. If you don't want it, don't spoon it onto your plate at the salad bar. And UK shoots 49% from the floor for the season. The stupid analogy works on neither level.

Always leaves you with regrets and cursing under your breath.

If pudding makes you cuss, you need counseling. Again, it's pudding. Don't eat it if you don't like it.

And when they are enjoyed, their consumption will cause many people to break something.

If they are 'enjoyed,' then people like what's happening.

You don't 'consume' basketball.

And, again, when has pudding ever made you break something?

They are 'Team Tapioca.'

Ahhh, the ol' Bozich move. Repeat your topic in the last line as if you've reinforced it.

Well, that's it. This dipshit thought we would forget his analogy throughout this ridiculous diatribe, but he needs to realize the readership of a metro newspaper isn't as deficient as his dumbass grandkids are.

Woody Paige Is Not Impressed By Chumbawumba

2009-02-13T20:18:00.005-05:00

No introduction needed. Woody Paige is stupid. OK, a slight introduction:

Woody - You were pretty hard on Jodie Meeks and his 54-point performance against Tennessee. Would you have been a little more enthusiastic if it weren't against your alma mater?
-- Tom Buschermohle, Louisville, Ky.
Tom - I wasn't hard on Meeks. I just said I didn't think it was that big a deal. And it had nothing to do with Tennessee. I saw Pete Maravich do it several times. I saw several other players accomplish the feat. And it doesn't matter what I think, anyway.
I was accused by Kentuckians of being biased against Kentucky basketball. I spent a year, almost every night, with Adolph Rupp, and I came to have the utmost respect for the program (except that Rupp was so late to recruit black players), and I loved Dan Issel and Louie Dampier, for instance. Just show me, Jodie, that you can do it again. One-hit wonders don't impress me.

First of all, Buschermohle is made up. No question about it.

Now, for Woody's asinine answer. He didn't see it as a big deal. Besides, crappy ol' Pete Maravich did it all the time. Do it again, Jodie, if you want to impress Woody. Go out on the road and score 54 against a good team...again. Then he'll be impressed. Woody's right about one thing, though: what he thinks doesn't matter.

Also, are we to assume that Meeks hasn't had an impressive season without the UT game? Had he gone for 30, he'd still be one of the country's top scorers.

I think the media, as a whole, reacted properly in the aftermath. It led Sportscenter, people kind of freaked out about it, and he got a ton of deserved praise and attention. However, if Stephen Curry would have scored 54, ESPN would still be digging themselves out of a pile of their own man-juice.

He HAWKED on my burger...

2009-02-13T12:21:00.002-05:00

I'm sure we all remember the scene from Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd and Harry are in the diner. Remember how Lloyd just cowers there whilst Sea Bass comes over and punks out Harry? I imagine Peter Farrelly, pre shoot, coaching Jim Carrey

" now your motivation here is complete and total fear...imagine that you someday have to make a sequel to "The Mask"...too scary? Okay, your only concern is getting out of this diner in one piece."

I think about that scene, then I think about Bud Selig. The similarities between the commissioner and the "We Got Worms" boys actually extends past the apparently negligible IQs and the four dollar haircuts. On Monday, A-Rod was like Harry in the diner. He was scared shitless, having to face the music all alone, for he alone lost control of the salt (in this case a metaphor for his poor decision to apparently take Juan Gonzalez as a career role model). Anyway, in both instances Harry/A Rod each got reamed by stupid, inbred rednecks (Sea Bass/Roy Oswalt).

And, if you recall, Lloyd's next line to Harry is "boy, you really wimped out". He says this despite the fact that when given the opportunity to step up and do something to change his untenable situation, Lloyd just punks out and cowers, pointing his finger at Harry, while steadfastly avoiding eye contact with Sea Bass, or the members of his incest posse (again, here I just wanna remind you, Roy Oswalt is an uncle fucker). Lloyd has the audacity to accuse Harry of being a pussy, while ignoring the fact that his own lack of action makes him every bit the pussy that Harry is. You guys see where I am going with this? (That's right, fuck Roy Oswalt, but there's more!)

I would love to say that Bud Selig is a moron, but he's not. He's a lawyer, and a very rich and successful one at that. This fact makes it even more mind boggling that Selig could ever think that this whole steroids thing would just blow over. It is a cliche' by now to say that Selig buried his head in the sand for the first what seven or eight years of the so called steroid era? Still, the fact remains that for whatever reason, Selig chose to just look the other way for as long as he could get away with.

Now, A-Rod, the supposed great hope of baseball is forced to go public and admit that he used something. Like five years ago. Back when it was not illegal in baseball. And this silly bitch has the nerve to say, initially that Rodriguez would be punished for this. For allegedly failing an allegedly anonymous test, that was somehow leaked by somebody, multiple years after the fact. It seems to me that is an awfully big Pandora's box to be opened by such a pussy.

Let's not forget that Selig's big ideas for change in baseball was the winner of the All Star Game gets home field in the playoffs. This guy is no Judge Landis, he's not even Judge Reinhold. He's not even Judge Reinhold when he was playing himself on Arrested Development. Selig saying he was gonna punish A-Rod for this is akin to Robin Ventura saying that he could have taken Nolan Ryan, he just felt bad for the old coot. Nobody even comes close to believing that bullshit. Am I the only one who perceives a difference between tough penalties for J.C. Romero, and the now decade-long maypole dance that Selig, Fehr and Orza have been doing around the bulbous head of Barry Bonds?

And now this morning, no doubt to the relief of A-Rod, the reluctant but fair commissioner has decreed that he shall show mercy to the once golden-boy. I guess the loss of his status as baseball's chosen one is punishment enough? Selig would have us to believe that he chose to cease punishing Rodriguez once his status as the Icarus of MLB was cemented. Like he had some other heavy-handed recourse in mind, but opted to go with mercy. Obviusly Selig never heeded the words of Geddy Lee, becasue in choosing not to decide, Selig has consistently mistaken this for making a choice (RUSH-Free Will-Neil Peart is a f-ing GOD).

I guess it makes sense. I mean I know I could not live with myself if I knew that I had squandered the chance to restore the integrity of today's sullied game back to what it was in the glory days of the Black Sox, segregation, the rampant alcoholism of Whitey and the Mick, Fidrych pitching whilst trippin his balls off, the spitball, the vaseline ball, the nail-filed ball, or the cocaine addled days of Doc and the Straw? Let's not forget the union letting J.R. Richard die a homeless addict living under a bridge, Pete Rose, John Rocker, and those original Diamondback's uniforms.

Selig is never slow to remind anyone who will listen that he inherited this problem. Steroids were in baseball before his tenure as commisioner began, and their influence will no doubt out live most of us who call ourselves fans today. In no way does that exonerate Selig of any guilt for his consistent inaction. Gambling existed pre-1919, but Landis never cried that it was not his fault that the Sox fixed the series. I cannot help but view the detached and self servicing brand of "leadership" that the heads of baseball have provided in these times as being the true legacy of steroids in baseball, because just like in that diner, everybody is now just trying to protect their own asses at any and all costs.

Have You Guys Heard About the Rift Between Bloggers and the Media?

2009-02-13T07:00:00.004-05:00

Yeah, big-time. They are, like, totally pissed at each other.

Anyway, I don't plan to drone on about this forever, because, if I do, I will sound like a self-righteous douche who's really proud of himself for pursuing a master's in journalism. Trust me, it's ten times easier than Centre. I'd rather be a self-righteous douche who's proud of his Centre degree. Or something.

OK, I'm not recounting the Will Leitch incident with Buzz Bissinger, suffice to say, though, that some mainstream media guys don't get blogs/bloggers. Bissinger, literally, couldn't distinguish between a blog post author and the commenters. If you haven't seen it, watch the video. It's almost kind of sad. Leitch played it perfectly, though, allowing Bissinger to shout himself out and look like a complete psycho.

Thursday, Chris Mottram was featured on Scott Van Pelt's radio show. Van Pelt, as you may or may not know, has a bit of a history with Deadspin. To his credit, SVP was pretty cool about the ordeal. Regardless, he had Mottram, who blogs quite well here and here, on his show today to discuss blogs and pros blah blah blah (go here for the audio). It was pretty much the same old shit, except SVP played a clip from Mitch Albom, who was on the show prior to Mottram.

First, a word about Albom. He's certainly one of the cheesiest columnists in the country. He does decent work, though he did get himself in a little trouble for fudgin' a story. Still, he's a professional, and he deserves respect for his body of work in the journalism business.

Albom, on the show, discussed bloggers and their lack of schooling and experience. To him, bloggers are a batch of mean-spirited kids with laptops, essentially. His main point is, "hey, these guys didn't do shit to get here. I got my master's from Columbia. They're just any guy with an Internet connection." (I'm paraphrasing, but he mentioned Columbia for sure.) He also attempted to juxtapose blogging with being an ill-informed tax man. As in: 'you wouldn't let just any asshole do your taxes, would you?'

No, Mitch, I wouldn't. But, like everyone else who bitches about blogging, you miss the point. And, it's especially ironic coming from you, the same man who wrote quite possibly the shittiest novel ever. How would you have liked Pat Conroy shitting on your attempt at expressing yourself creatively? Bloggers don't exist to supplant mainstream journalists from their jobs, you nitwit. It's merely a different perspective on similar events. John Clay can't say, 'man, Gillispie's a fucking joke.' But I can. At risk of sounding melodramatic, it's people exercising their right to speak freely.

Through it all, people that like blogs will read blogs, and people that like shitty columns will read the newspaper. Isn't that proof of a thriving democracy? I can't understand the disdain by mainstreamers; is it completely rooted in jealousy? Or is it folks like Mitch Albom that take themselves entirely too seriously? You write about sports; we're all watching the same games, fella.

You're right, though, Mitch, any asshole can have a blog. Hell, look at what you're reading. However, people read Deadspin. Why should A.J. Daulerio and Rick Chandler do anything differently? They have their own audience. You don't have to like it, Mitch, just stay out of the fucking way.

'Fuck This Place, I'm Cold as Shit'

2009-02-12T21:04:00.001-05:00

"Nah, Lumpy. The snow belt's at Seymour, not Evansville. I told you to bring extra socks!"

time slips away, leave's you with nothing mister but boring stories of...

2009-02-12T16:01:00.004-05:00

A wise man once said earlier today on this blog;

Obviously a subtle jab at the rest of the HOF coaches, who, after inducted, sit naked in a small room and list their achievements...

So, here I am...naked, small room, reviewing my achievements...all that's missing is the hall-of- fame credentials, but as I paraphrase Meatloaf, three out of four ain't bad...

1. Led the 1995 Kentucky High School State Champion football team in onsides kicks recovered. Actually, I'm not sure that was recorded as an actual stat in Ky high school football, then, now or ever. Anyway, I had two of them in one season. Wait, do post-season stats count? If so, then i led the team with two. If not, well then i guess you could say that I led the team in regular and post season onsides kicks recovered, with one (each).

2. Was allegedly the first player selected in Germantown Baseball 15 year old free agent draft in the year 1993. Believe it or not, there is no way to Google these results. So again all I am left to go on is the word of a meth-mouthed "coach" who told the entire team on the first day of practice that we would win a lot of games because we had had the first pick in the draft, and with that pick he selected me. Most of the details of that season have been subsuquently supressed by my subconscious. Legend has it that I made a vow to not wash my uniform that season until we had a win under our belts. To this day I blame my persistent case of crabs on that baseball uniform.

3. Beat Mike Tyson. I did this the hard way. That is to say I did this on Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. No code. From Glass Joe, through Mr Sandman, Super Macho Man, all the way to Kid Dynamite. This was post ear-biting, but pre -facial tattoo. After Buster Douglas, but before Klitschko, or Tommy Morrison, or God, who the Hell even cares.

4. Was the only five year starter in the HISTORY of my fraternity's softball team. And that's big because LOTS of those guys need to squeeze four years into five. So it's kinda like not only being a dumb jock, but a jock among dumb jocks. Ya know what they say, when in Rome, the one-eyed man is the king of the bears that shit in the Pope's hat. Go on an' marinate on that for a minute.

5. The 2007 Kings Among Men season/post season. Magical. Beyond words. Transcendant. It goes without saying on one level, because despite all the tongue in cheekiness of this, the fact still remains that ANYBODY who even has any chance of reading this whatsoever was there.

6. Once I beat a kid in NCAA Football 07 on Xbox Live. I think he was like seven. Or maybe it was a chick. Anyway, the game was close for a while, but then he/she got bored and laid the controller down, and man after that...the rout was on.

7. I was there the day that a kicked ball in kickball actually traversed through the net of a distant basketball goal. The ultimate playground urban legend (that includes YOU Earl Monroe). I am lucky enough to say that I still call that titan of a kickballer one of my very closest friends and he remains an inspiration to me as the years go on. I salute you my friend, for bringing meaning to our otherwise dreary lives that grey-grade school day so long ago!

I'm sure that Bick will be on here in minutes, drudging up the legitimacy of my tennis ball baseball career home run record, arguing that a nine year old could have hit homers over the short right field porch. Which works out well, because once nine-year-olds started to play with us, they proved that they could...oppo. The point is, don't hate the player. It never was my fault that i had so much dong as such a young man. If the powers that be wanted to use me as their meal ticket to put butts in the seats at out t.b.b.b. games, who was I to question why? I was a victim in all this. Anyway, all sadness aside. Don't cry for ME, Argentina. The point is, we here at Rantastic are putting our best foot (feet?) forward and turning our faces to the rising sun of a new day. Just like Mark McGwire, once a hero, then villified for our prodigiuos power. Now who wants to see me crack a few dingers?

Gillispie's Stupid Philosophy, and How It Won the Game For Us

2009-02-12T09:39:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess that title is wholly hyperbolic. I don't think Gillispie's toughness mantra is completely stupid, and toughness wasn't the sole reason we won last night. Still, the blind reliance upon "out-toughing" guys is idiotic.

For instance, Ramon Harris can be as tough as, say, Grrrrreg Paulus (now with extra grr!). It doesn't matter, because he looks like a person surprised by an over-inflated basketball when he dribbles. It never cleanly meets his hand. And to label him a defensive stopper is an insult to Craig Ehlo. Point being, he and Porter can be tough as calculus, they still can't compete with guys like Calathes. Hell, did you seen Greggie try to man up Ty Lawson Wednesday?

As I've mentioned previously in this space, Jay Bilas described what it meant to be a "tough" basketball player in a recent Insider column. Unwittingly or not, he simply described a good, smart player. Like, say, a Nick Calathes or Jodie Meeks. Basically, there's a stark difference between being Allen Iverson "tough" or Jordan "tough" or Kobe "tough" and being Paulus "tough." To be sure, I have zero qualms about continuously using Paulus as my example of a not-tough player.

Despite all my bitching about the absolute vacancy inherent to the terminology, I grant that toughness may have won us the game last night. Conversely, toughness may have had a hand in losing it for Florida, as well. Down the stretch, Parsons and Calathes really choked at the line. There's no other way of saying it. They choked. The new blogger at KSR made a great point (though I don't know if his post is live yet or not, still, I'll share with some of my own embellishments): Dykes talked incessantly about all the "adversity" Calathes has been through. Like, playing for a HS powerhouse or starting every game in your career at UF or having your career in the NBA laid out before you. Sounds like a dream life to me. Point being, as hard as Calathes has probably worked to get where he is, I doubt he's encountered any real "adversity." Until last night, when he stepped to the line with a chance to tie the game in a loud-ass gym full of rednecks, and choked. The point Hunter makes is, yeah, he fought through all this "adversity," until he ran into some actual adversity.

My point is buried somewhere within that paragraph, but you may need a fucking bulldozer to unearth it. Basically, as I sit here and watch Greggie P. and listen Vitale and Patrick verbally fellate him for his hustle, I think of a player like Meeks. Guys can look hardcore with their skinned knees, constant screams urging "let's go!," and dives into the crowd when the ball bounced out of bounds a full second prior to the leap, but are they tough?

Tuesday night, with the game and season on the line, everyone in the Arena knew that UK's only shot to win lay with Meeks. We were down 6, and Patterson was on the bench injured. He hits a three, then drops in a hanger from the elbow, and, as Bick said, willed in a 25 footer that was tipped out of his hands (or so says Calathes) on the way up. I'm not saying a guy like Calathes can't make that play, because he can. I am saying, though, that even with all the shit we've been through with Gillispie, this toughness racket may not be so bad after all. Because, against Florida, Meeks showed that even if he wasn't playing on the same level with Calathes for most of the night, he wasn't going to lose that fucking game.

Mea Culpas (That Means "Sorry")

2009-02-11T21:15:00.001-05:00

So, last night was emotional for just about everyone, and I feel like I have to "unload my wagon," as Sheriff Bell says in No Country for Old Men, so here goes:

To Jodie: I said you had no heart. What the fuck was I thinking? Everyone in America knew you were taking that shot, and Calathes played picture-perfect defense, and you still willed the ball in. Not to mention the fact that you never ever showboat or draw attention to yourself. Rare.

To Pat Pat: I made a blog post about you and completely jinxed you. Watching you lie on the floor writhing and screaming in pain is what I assume it would feel like watching one of my kids get hurt doing something. I don't know, don't have any.

To T-Dubs: I wish I owned a pair of your blue shades where we are always on the verge of 15-0 runs and 80-yard TD drives. But, alas, I am not the optimist that you are, and I bailed on our boys immediately after Patterson went down. That was foolish, and I was wrong. Still, if Patterson misses any time, we will feel it.

To Perry: I'm sorry, but I hate looking at your dopey face. I can't help it. I wish I liked you, but I never will. Still, you were serviceable and didn't screw up too much. But, you deserved to get stepped on after that retarded foul on Parsons shooting a three.

To Miss Edwards: I hate having to apologize for our retarded coach, but do you guys remember third grade? If you had a crush on a girl, you would constantly make fun of her, throw shit at her during lunch, and just be an all-around pain in the ass because you had no other way of making yourself relevant in her life. That's about my only theory here. Billy is a third-grader. And he looked like shit in that interview. Christ, get him into make-up.

To Jimmy Dykes: I'm sorry that I ever thought you were a good color man. The UT game had us all fooled. We were displacing some of the joy of that game onto you. You are truly terrible. When you said that it didn't matter if the Hodge incident was intentional or not is where you lost me. How the fuck is it about anything other than intent? And, your buzzwords and phrases are annoying. There's no such thing as a "good" turnover.

To Ramon Harris: I'm sorry that you play. That lay-up you attempted that hit the top of the backboard was beyond explanation.

To Michael Porter: I'm sorry that people boo you. You stepped up big time, fella. Somehow, Porter doesn't get Tommy's blanket optimism like the rest.

To Harrellson: I'm sorry our defense is designed around you covering Calathes 40 feet from the basket. You put forth a yeoman's effort.

To Galloway: I'm sorry our coach is an idiot and you haven't taken every single one of Harris' minutes this season.

To Train: I'm sorry, but I whole-heartedly disagree with your Meeks / Sosa analogy. When Meeks took the three, every UK fan thought, "Thank God." When Sosa shot, every UL fan thought, "Shit."

And some unrelated to UK b-ball:

To Seanemac: I'm sorry that my Ipod always has the artist you want and none of the songs that they are most known for. I am working hard on this, so that when you choose Bruce Hornsby, "The Way It Is" will be an option.

To Dean Wormer: On a related note, I'm sorry for calling you frequently, saying, "What's the one Beastie Boys song that starts, "This is the first song off our new album..." or "What's that Clapton song with the guitar solo?" You are the guru.

To Higdon: I'm sorry about your favorite college football squadron. At least you got tailgating.

To Gene: I'm sorry that all your truly funny, insightful posts are relegated to this blog, where only ten people read them.

Well, that's about everybody that reads this. If I missed anybody, tell me what grinds your gears, and I'll hit you up with some sort of condolences.

Oh yeah, to Calathes, I'm sorry the ref called that terrible foul with .6 seconds left that forced you to become the goat for your pathetic team. You deserved better.

You Said It, Dick

2009-02-11T21:13:00.001-05:00

The scene: 16 minutes left, first half of the UNC/Duke game. Scheyer had just attempted to take a charge (big surprise) against Deon Thompson. There was no call, and Dukies were sprawled everywhere. Hansbrough picked the ball up and Texas ping-ponged it through.

That ain't the story (though watching play stop to attend to a writhing, uninjured Scheyer was sickening). As ESPN cut for break, you could see K giving the refs the business, as per usual. When the telecast returned, they replayed K in the ref's ear, and they also showed Roy Williams barking at his team in the huddle.

Vitale (I'm paraphrasing): "Two super-competitive coaches, though their philosophies may differ."

That is to say, one teaches where one bitches. Vitale then went on to rave about K being a HOF-er because "he competes for the now, and doesn't care about past accomplishments."

Obviously a subtle jab at the rest of the HOF coaches, who, after inducted, sit naked in a small room and list their achievements.

some old bullshit

2009-02-11T10:50:00.004-05:00

Apparently the Cubs are among a handful of teams interested in signing Kris Benson. I am gonna rephrase that to say that the Cubs are among a number of teams with some interest in signing Kris Benson. Really? Something here is fishy. Can't you just see Jim Hendry pulling "Kris's" mask off a few days into Spring Training, only to have Mark Prior (who was under the mask the whole time) say ruefully, "And I could have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you snooping kids (talking to Ascaino and Samardzija)...-hey by the way, did u guys know he actualluy played FOOTBALL...at Notre Dame??? How did we not know that? That's a really high profile program still, right?
Anyway, Kris Benson? Wow. I heard that Tommy John just had surgery, so maybe he's available.

super doucher

2009-02-11T10:38:00.003-05:00

Ya gotta check out "Kissing Suzy Kolber" today...great piece on Ben Roethlisberger bein smart. Or Maybe it's an extended joke about people whose brains have been turned to mush by repeated concussions. Either way, it's funny to me because Ben Roethlisberger is a mouth -breather who seems to speak only in coachspeak and football cliche's. Also, if any of you laugh at this, you are racist against people with brain damage resulting from concussions. Shame on you. But I can get away with it, like Train and Sean with their famously self-deprecating anti-Lebaneese jokes

I Guess Calathes Just Wasn't Tough Enough

2009-02-11T09:09:00.003-05:00

You get an up close and personal view of Galloway's foul in this one. And yeah, what's he doing swatting? Calathes threw his arms out, but that's a really bad play.

Also, Forde has a solid column about the game, even saying that Rupp's never been louder. He also says that Patterson's day-to-day with a sprain.

Meeks explains the shot, saying that when he leapt, he cramped, then Calathes tipped the ball, so Meeks was forced to hoist it from his shoulder. So, yeah, probably lucky.

Basically, Just Me Bitching In Real-Time

2009-02-10T20:13:00.027-05:00

The best way to describe this UK team is through the power of metaphor: these Cats are like a teenager. One day, the teenage son, of whom you're so proud, gets caught taking bong rips and listening to Zappa with that fucking kid that always looked like trouble to you. Now, you don't love the little shit less, you just can't look at him the same. Maybe in a few years, when he proves that he's not a douche bag. But not now...not as long as he hangs out with that creep.

You can guess who the "creep" is in that scenario. OK, I'll give it away. It's Sean.

Hey, if you're on-board with this damn thing, let's get some comments going! It's much easier that way. (I'll delete this request when the game ends and there are like three comments, and one from that spammer who offered me a scooter.)

I don't think we're going to win, and my incessant bitching will be public. Still, Calathes will have a field day if Porter is matched up against him. So, in the words of Principal Skinner: "Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong."

***

You know, I've always seen games in the Big 10 with a final score of 50-47, I guess I've just never thought about the actual execution of such a game. This MSU/Michigan is god-awful.

If you need help killing time before the Cats, watch this. Sure, the body of work in that game is amazing. Raucous crowd, stifling D, Matt Walsh and Roberson shitting themselves; but watch some of the plays. See Hawkins locate Estill well-positioned on the intermediate break. Watch our defense switch, help, and pressure the ball relentlessly. Watch us hit fucking shots.

Thank goodness that shit-show is over. Oh god, our game's about to start. See you at the under 16!

Sorry, me again. Hubert says we have a chance!

6-4, 15:24 1st half

OK, we've learned some things: Stevenson can't pass, Stevenson can rebound (all of a sudden), Harris is awful. Oh, and Meeks is good. And if I have to tell Steph who #5 is one more time...

We look OK. A little lost on offense, but fine. Bick's boy needs to get his shit together under the basket. He can't be missing jump hooks from that close. Especially since we rarely get the ball to him down low.

12-6 Gators, 11:08

The turnovers never cease being frustrating. How are we still this shaky with the ball in February?

Porter just went to the basket parallel to the ground, backwards, and got a block call. No matter, as he bricks two free throws.

Calathes is very good. And if we don't figure out how to a) hang on to the ball, b) stop the ball after we turn it over, and c) fucking score, this will be a blowout.

News flash: Ramon Harris and Michael Porter shouldn't play. This is fixin' to get ugly. Or even fugly.

22-18 Cats, 5:29

Ooh, Dykes in the tracksuit. Me likey.

That's a good play off a timeout! "Hey, inbounder, just chuck it in. No one defends these. Go!"

Fuck it, I'll take some banked threes at this point. And a Stevenson J. We're back!

Well, nevermind. Calathes is tough...and 4 inches taller than Porter...who can shoot! This is turning into an actual basketball game!

You know, Porter made a bad pass. But could Stevenson be any slower to the ball? It's like every player has one quirk that creates turnovers, and together, their a well-oiled mistakery machine.

Meeks is having some shot selection issues and still no Liggins. Hell, would you pull Galloway and Porter at this point?

Speaking of non-scorers sticking it, Porter's wife is pregnant.

Hey, is it easier if I just post sentence by sentence? This feels disjointed still.

26-22 Cats, 3:10

That's a great shot late in the shot clock for Patterson. He has to score there. And Galloway is awesome. Whoops., spoke too soon. Still, he's going to have "growing pains" because he never fucking plays.

Memo to Cat fans in Rupp: pump fakes are legal. Other than that, I love the zeal.

Question: was our press break just now Porter and Stevenson against four? That won't work.

30-30 at half

And 14 turnovers later, Liggins is in. I tell ya, Bick couldn't have been more wrong about Patterson thus far.

That rebound by Galloway on the baseline that led to the Harrellson three was something that we haven't had this season. I am officially on the Galloway bandwagon.

Block on Calathes: awesome. Jodie being Jodie on the break: predictable, and not awesome. Not locating Calathes: pathetic and sad. Again, we take a lead, and let it slip away immediately.

Thank god for Calathes' relentless hustle and quick hands!

We are clanging some free throws. Jeez.

Well, that could have been shittier.

Oh wow, Jeannine's got some balls. And Gillispie is again a dick, and not answering the questions. "Take away his vision?" Like, blind him?

Wow, he's a total dick. And was stopping Calathes not a priority? He needs to learn how to first, speak, and second, speak to the media. It's not hard, and it's not bullshit questions. Just answer them.

Here, lemme teach ya:

Jeannine: Coach, Calathes is better and smarter than everyone on your team. Why can't your dipshit staff figure that out?
Gillispie: Well, dadgumit, he's a great player and he's gonna get his points. We need to find him and transition and keep him away from the basket in the half court. But, like I said, he's one of the best player's in this league. We just need to keep him under control.

That's embarrassing. He is only advancing the KY-is-a-bunch-of-backwards-assholes theory. What a sore fucking loser...even when he hasn't yet lost. Have some class, fuckhead.

As we all know, these first four minutes will tell the story. Don't worry if you forgot, Dykes will surely remind you. Patterson needs to get going, which means we need people who can get him the ball...like Liggins and Miller and Galloway. Yay Galloway!

38-35 Gators, 15:56

Well, Calathes begins the half wide open. Maybe Billy should listen to Jeannine and pay attention to him.

Oh no, Harris has three! What will we do??? Good god, Harris just let Calathes walk to the basket. He's out of fucking control...get him out. Why is he shooting so much?

Is Dykes referring to "when to whoa and when to go" right now?

Hey, Stevenson, that was awesome. Do that for the rest of the game. No, not that. As per usual, Stevenson reverses our fortune.

How is a tall, white guy a bad free throw shooter?

Wait, what the fuck is happening? Ahhh!!!...he did that shit...on accident...maybe...well, maybe not. He's tossed. Interesting...No, he did that on purpose. What a douche. Gotta love Porter, mixin' it up!

Ya know, Jeannine, it's not hard to see a 6'9'' human laying on the floor. He did it on purpose. He can act all benevolent after he realizes that he got caught. Fuck him. Let's get a mean on. (Editor's note: we won't get a mean on. We'll roll over like we usually do.)

50-47 Cats, 9:23

Well, Ramon is over-matched. And he's our "defensive stopper?"

Is Patterson hurt? He's playing awfully bad.

Seriously, what else needs to be seen? Start the guy over Harris. Well, that was a questionable pass.

Jesus, he's tough. I take it all back, Harris. He's beating everyone. And what the fuck is Dykes talking about "best game face?" That belongs to Bob Knight.

Meeks needs to learn how to take good shots. Like Porter, who's pure, all of a sudden. Or Calathes, I suppose.

Again, Galloway can play. I feel like I can talk all the shit I want, too, because I've been calling for him all season.

Thanks to Disney, I see that Calathes is owning Stevenson.

Porter just flailed a rebound to Patterson.

Whoa, we're winning. Meeks just flailed a lay-up to Patterson. This is bonkers!

54-52, 7:19

Patterson's hurt. Fuck.

Well, shit, let's show UF how tough we are, Billy. And I'm not patronizing you. I'm serious. This is where toughness actually matters.

You know what, dammit? Just fucking win.

Ew, we put them on the line awfully early.

Meeks can't hit shit. Wow, Harrellson's aggressive, that's for sure. And noodlin's for UL QB douche bag losers. Not Harrellson!

60-56 Gators, 3:19

Just tie it up tight, so you can't feel anything...

Look, guys, we can't keep putting Calathes on the line, especially when he's dribbling 30 feet from the basket. And, Perry, great board, but you don't have to shoot in the post.

I predict a Willis Reed-esque return for Patterson.

Whoa, what a bail-out. OK, guys, let's figure this shit out. Make your damn free throws.

We need to tighten up defensively and rebound. I know it's hard without Patterson, but we have to do something.

A Stevenson three is not what we needed there.

Guys, seriously, can we shade other defenders on him? He's dominating everyone.

We get it, Nick Calathes called you sir. Stop telling the story, please.

Too many damn passes. I find it nearly impossible to pull out a win here, men. I hope I'm wrong.

64-63 Gators, 1:17

My, the comments section is getting a little chippy.

Oh dear, we needed that, Jodie.

I hate to be that guy, but that was a cheap foul on Harrellson against Parsons.

A toughness battle, eh!

OK, time for the Meeks show.

Grrrrrrrr...again, cheap foul.

Jesus. Oh man, that 3 from Meeks looked good.

Well, it's pants-shittin' time. I like our line-up here.

65-65, 29 seconds

Jeez, Nessler. Calling Parsons' three a little quick.

Oh great, Jodie's hurt.

Pure fucking clutch. Meeks is awesome.

Ohhhh wow. A foul. Wow. OK. Wow. Just, really? A foul? That was a rugby scrum.

Well, Jodie takes this shot from anywhere.

12 seconds

Oh dear. someone other than Jodie may have to take the shot...

68-65 Cats win.

Holy fuck! Double holy fuck. Well, Christ.

Fuck you, game face. Love it. I love Calathes as a player, I really do. And he seems all class. But he's shitting the bed. Aw dammit, I kind of feel bad for the guy. Still, he wasn't fouled.

You know what, though, the ball never fucking lies.

As a post script, I'd like to say that Calathes' final miss was my favorite. Just a missile into the glass. We'll talk more tomorrow.

I Believe Porter and Galloway Will Contribute

2009-02-10T19:12:00.003-05:00

Not sure why, I just think Galloway can pass in transition and Porter will hit a couple threes in the first half. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I have a feeling Ramon Harris will still suck, though.

still not rubbin it

2009-02-10T16:18:00.000-05:00

All this steroid hoopla has produced a laundry list of side effects. There are ones that are well documented (shriveled testes, back hair and the puzzling relevance of people like Tom Verducci). First off, let me say that for my money the term "side effects" has an undeservedly bad rep. I mean, sure, cirrhosis is a side effect from drinking, but then again so is being sexier and funnier. Smoking may give you cancer, but it also just makes you look so damn cool. It's times like these when i reflect on the sage words that Mrs. Garret used to so softly croon to me..."You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have...the facts of life".

Sure it's tough to see our heros like Chuck Knoblauch, Guillermo Mota, and Jay Gibbons have their names drug through the mud. It makes me weep to imagine how many kids sadly chose to abandon their longstanding habit of arguing over who gets to be Paul Byrd whilst having a wiffle in the back yard. But being an eternal optimist, I say that there are some good things that come from this.

I know that I, for one, prostrate myself daily to the Gods to thank them for bringing the personage of Rusty Hardin into my life. Hardin is taking a break to defend Clemens from his regular lot in life, which is, I believe serving as the Platonic Form for sanctimonius, self -righteous asshole. This is the only guy who could put Roger Clemens' disillusionment in the shadow of his own. Hardin has said on record time and again that any evidence that suggests his client used PED's is patently false, and has been fabricated by Brian McNamee. This is the greatest legal defense stratgey ever.

I can just imagine all other lawyers in the world having a Happy Gilmore moment and saying, "That's it, I should just make assanine and paranoid blanket statetements that exonerate my client while simultaneously inferring that anyone who is not in agreement with us is a liar, a backstabber and a fraud. Oh, that, AND I should just hit the ball in the hole on the first shot every time".

Without getting too political here, does it really surprise anybody that Roger Clemens (an ardent Bush supporter) would hire a guy like Rusty Hardin to be his lawyer? This is the take home version of the "If You're Not Wth Us, Your With the Terorists" game show. These guys are in effect, putting their thumbs in their ears and screaming "la la la...i can't hear you" whenever anybody disagrees, or God forbid provides some kind of evidence to support a contrary opinion. It's kinda like tryin to explain a pass interefernce call on a UK secondary player to Toots, but in this case Toots looks and sounds a lot like the love child that Creed from "The Office" had with Jerry Jones, and the UK secondary player statutory- raped Mindy McReady.

And where would we be without ESPN on all this? Thank God I can tune in at basically any time of the day onto the Deuce and hear Mike Golic's opinion on steroids in baseball. It's this kinda ridiculous excuse for "synergy" that is responsible for abomonations like Cowboy Troy ( the Big n' Rich version, not the unsolvable connundrum of how an Oklahoma redneck would up at UCLA before quarterbacking the world's douchiest sideshow to three Super Bowl wins). It surely takes a little bit of moxie to admit to this, but save us the sugar coating. Yes you were injured, yes, the steroids helped you recover. But in my mind saying that you used steroids soley to recover from injury is akin to saying that you go out to bars that are frquented by known road whores because you are lonely and want to settle down and get married. Sure, I mean if one of those road whores winds up being really wealthy or double jointed or something, you might eventually marry her, but you first picked her up because you knew she was a road whore and you wanted to get laid. In this way "recovery from injury" is euphamistic for "younger/healthier/more talented guys were gonna take my job", ( so i cheated). In both instances, the easiest route has been taken to achieve a goal that was set out of self-interest, to serve a self-fulfilling purpose.

I think that the crux of the issue here is the culture that surrounds baseball. We need look no further than the old mantra that says when you get hit by a pitch, you at least wait 'til you get to the dugout before you rub the now-surely bruised and vericose point of contact. This is conventional baseball wisdom, but nobody entreated Anquan Bolden not to acknowledge his fractured orbital. We are used to metaphors that portray Butkus and Nitschke and Ray Lewis as "warriors". The most imtimidating baseball players are the power pitchers, and their intimidation factor is greatly discounted by the fact that you are supposed to act unfazed if you get drilled by a fastball from one of them. Nobody would question the toughness of an NFL player who requires assistance to get off the field after recieveng or delivering a vicious hit.

Surely, the six-month long grind of a major league baseball season is a tremendously daunting proposition, I think everybody would acknowledge that. But if that is true, then where is baseball's analogy to the famous Kellen Winslow game? All I can come up with is Cal Ripken, Jr who only needed what 16 plus consecutive seasons without missing a single game to earn similar status to what Winslow got from playing a transcendant ONE? Maybe Brett Favre's consecutive games started record is a better analogy here to use in conjunction with Ripken, but honestly, I think that Favre's record is only the equal of Ripken's. That is to say that I don't immediately give the nod to Favre because his is the "tougher" of the two sports. I grant you that any given football game is most likelly clearly more physiclly intense than any given baseball game. Combine that attitude with the public's still dominant and incorrect assumption that most MLB players used steroids to gain superior strength and speed (like a football player might), versus the fact that the greatest gains steroids make for most baseball players is not in their skill but in their conditioning, and it is easy to see why so many baseball players are villified for something that we more or less have given NFL guys a pass for for so long.

Tonight's Match

2009-02-10T14:56:00.001-05:00

I'm going to do the old version live blog of tonight's game. A post during each TV timeout and halftime. I like that better.

A-Roid

2009-02-09T20:41:00.002-05:00

OMG, has anyone thought of that yet?!?!!?!

I was going to post something about A-Rod, and as I bounced around the web (looking for something better than what I could write, apparently), I found this article on Baseball Prospectus. Read it.

Here's an especially stimulating excerpt:

“Of course, the screaming is about the screamers. The loudest voices on the evils of steroids in baseball are in the media, and there’s probably a dissertation in that notion, because for all that we have to hear about how greedy, evil players have ruined baseball by taking these substances (and then playing well, according to this selective interpretation; no one’s ripping Chris Donnels these days), the reason we’re talking about this in 2009 is that so many “reporters”—scare quotes earned—went ostrich in 1999. We hear every year around awards time that the people closest to the game know the game better than anyone, because they’re in the clubhouse every day, and they talk to everyone, and they have a perspective that outsiders can’t possibly understand. For those same people to do a collective Captain Renault, which they’ve been doing since beating up players for this transgression became acceptable, is shameful. Take your pick: they missed the story, or they were too chicken-shit to report it. In either case, the piling-on now is disgusting."

Well, yeah. There's really not much to add to that. The media has been far too eager to jump on this as The Thing That Fucking Ruined Everything. Tagging Rodriguez as baseball's "last hope" is laughably short-sighted. Sure, he'll break Bonds' tainted record with a tainted achievement of his own. Still, baseball, I think, will persevere.

He's an asshole, though, and he deserves all the shit that will be coming his way.

All These Authors...

2009-02-09T19:43:00.001-05:00

...and only videos! This one is very hilarious.

Soccer Just Got Way Cooler

2009-02-09T11:34:00.000-05:00

Sweet.

OK, it sucks again.